Logical Progression
4th Age 2, Northern edge of Ered Luin
You say her love has gone forever
And something has
Gone from your soul
It's left you so cold
Though you wish
You had the answer
The question is always untold
Always on hold
What's in the mirror
What do you see
It's a logical progression
When you think that
You lost all that time
It's all in your mind
What's in the mirror
What do you see
Lay down now and close your eyes
It's only just begun
'Cause mind and body
Flow in perpetual motion
Set free all your memories
They're tearing you apart
'Cause you know that
Love is the only direction
That reputation that you live by
Says something about what's inside
Nowhere to hide
There is no amount of heartache
That could ever
Wash over this burning
Forever learning
Look in the mirror
Will you do it all again
Raven's POV
We had passed from the Ettenmoors north along the Misty Mountains and along the hills of Carn Dum. The lands were remarkably peaceful – probably because they were so far out of the way as to be hidden. Tirion had not been here before, but I think Gildor had. Maybe not in the regions I had now led them through, but he refused to say anything. This was wolf-land, and I followed the nondescript paths in the dense underbrush which the wolves used. We stayed completely under cover that way, and like the wolves, only left the paths to hunt. Gildor and Tirion trailed behind me, which was an odd, unsettling feeling. It made me feel like I was leading, and I knew I wasn't. I did not want to. I'tan'ka was not my business.
I could tell that both were extremely glad to reach the coast, if only to leave the wet, dense underbrush. I knew I was glad just for the fact of no longer having to walk in the front. We left the wolves in the thickets, too, and I didn't like that. We had come upon a small settlement of humans, and despite a number of curious glances they had made us quite welcome in the inn of the small town. Most dealings with them we left to Tirion. The younger elf had no difficulty in getting along with either the town or its inhabitants. Gildor seemed slightly shaken at realizing how little he found the company of so many people enticing anymore. By now, I suppose, he could understand me much better when I avoided larger groups, though our respective reasons were still different.
Staying in the town was a curious mixture of comfort and stress, which was added to by the proximity of the sea. I did not care for that particular fact very much, but it nagged on Gildor, and his tension reflected on me. Even when I was with him, just walking along the shore proved a strain on his will. He loved the coast, yet more and more the feeling of being torn intruded on the simple enjoyment of the land, the shifting patterns of clouds and waves. I can describe it no better. I could sense that he felt on edge, as if waiting for a sign to leave which would not come, but I could not connect that feeling to the sea. I suppose this was one more instance where I was glad my father's heritage was weaker than Ashi'kha blood. The sea did not bother me at all in that way.
We were near the northern ice-bays and it was very cold even now in early autumn. A chill wind constantly blew from the sea. One night a fierce hailstorm passed over the land, pelting the deserted shoreline and the town with tiny pieces of ice. For three days the weather was stormy and icy cold, hail and rain taking turns in driving any merchant from the streets and keeping the fishermen on the land. I grew restless and snappish, fearing we had misjudged the weather so far north and would get snowed in here for the winter. When finally a cold and clear morning dawned we decided to move landwards again, to make for the hills of Carn Dum once more. I knew a number of sheltered caves in that region where we could winter comfortably.
One more day by the sea, now, I felt, and I would go raving mad. Wolves howled in the lands beyond, but never came to the coast itself. There were wolf-traps and fenced pens around the settlement, and the beasts were clever enough to avoid their proximity. Mostly. I saw a number of wolf-skins nailed to doors and gates, and did my best not to let my rising enmity towards these humans show. On our last day I was out of the town until sundown, scouring the dunes and marshlands around the settlement. I saw geese flying and came upon several ducks, but dared not hunt either. This was human territory, and much as I despised that, I would respect their claim on this land. When I returned to the inn that evening, Gildor and Tirion were at the table with some of the fishermen, taking their leave of them by a round of wine and beer mugs. One of the fishers was talking animatedly, and Gildor had a rather amused look on his face.
I would have retreated to the room the three of us shared had Tirion not hailed me. Gildor knew how little I relished having more than two strangers around, and remained silent. Of course, I thought, Tirion would get me into trouble again without even noticing. So I steeled myself and made my way to the table. Whatever one of the two strangers had been saying, he fell silent abruptly. One of the fishers pushed a full to the brim foaming tankard into my direction, covering the awkward silence, then coloured slightly.
"Sorry. Forgot you people have wine rather-"
I pulled the mug towards me, playing for time to make out what he had said. His Sindarin was hardly better than mine.
"It's alright" I said carefully "Beer is fine with me" At least that was true. In Rivendell, I had got a taste for beer. I knew from Fingal's and mine initial experience with traders' wine that I had no stomach for such things, but at least beer unhinged me far less than potent wine. I glanced at the gathering around the table cautiously. Most of the men here were friendly, as far as humans go and I had ever come into contact with them in the last days. Two of the fishers present I did not know at all.
"Well?" Tirion asked the fisher opposite him, obviously continuing the interrupted conversation. "And you never lived to see the end of your story?"
The fishermen laughed.
"Bermo has a lot of fancy tales to spread" one said. "In about half of them he barely escapes alive"
Bermo was not amused. "I tell you" he said. "The girl drank at the river, and was never seen again. But they heard wolves howl all night long, and it was a moonless night"
He glanced at Tirion, then at me.
"They say she ran like a wolf. Drank blood from killed sheep at night. She was a skin-turner" he nodded his head towards me "What they say of your companion"
I raised my eyebrows, hoping I did not show the shock lancing through me at that moment. Had I betrayed myself? I rapidly went through the instances I had met up with people in the past few days, wondering where they could have even guessed that. The only instance I knew I had shown more than casual interest in the wolves around the settlement was when I had suggested a distraught shepherd to ring his fence with the same flapping rags they used in wolf hunts. What kept the wolves in would just as well keep them out.
"Of Raven?" Tirion was highly amused. Gildor kept his face carefully expressionless. "What do they say? That he drinks sheep blood? I noticed none missing"
Again, the other fishers laughed.
"A skin turner, yes" Bermo persisted. "Like, out and about all night, in the darkness. Doing whatever you folk do out there. With all the wolves close. The dogs bark all night. Don't like him, too, growl when he passes-" the man broke off before it became an insult. I glanced at Gildor, who shrugged slightly and gave me a crooked grin 'I said nothing'
The man looked at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to turn wolf right there and start rampaging through the inn. Not that I would have had a problem with that. It galled me that for the greatest part of the time I had to pretend I was something I wasn't. But by now I knew how silly mortals reacted to wolves. And how merciless they hunted those of their own kind who they thought were in league with them. Wolf was analogous to demon. That was, I had gathered, the reason for the wolf skins at the doors. A warning to wolf-demons not to cross the threshold.
"If I am, I did not touch your sheep" I said, wondering if Tirion had assumed anything and shared his suppositions with the fishers. Neither I nor Gildor had bothered much to hide our friendliness with wolves during our trip here. At least I was honest about the sheep. I could not have thought of a suitable lie at that moment. I had been wolf, yes, but I knew much better than to touch anything saying 'human property'.
"Don't they also say" I asked, blessedly remembering something Aragorn had told me about werewolf-ideas of mortals "that a werewolf cannot stand his own reflection or drink fermented liquid?" I raised my polished copper mug, turning it so the candles and faces around the table were reflected on its surface, and studied it for a moment. "Cheers"
That earned me a round of laughter from around the table. Even Bermo had to grin.
"That round goes to you" Gildor said softly, grinning, as the conversation turned to other of Bermo's stories.
"You wouldn't have gone out of your way helping me out of that one, would you?" I asked grumpily. Gildor only grinned broader "Do I know what you did with their sheep?"
"If you ask Tirion, I fear he would guess I did other things than drink their blood" I said under my breath.
Gildor cuffed me into the ribs, half laughing half snarling "You are disgusting. Stop having a go at the boy, will you?"
In my opinion I definitely did not 'have a go' at Tirion – if anything, we were nagging each other. Outside the time when he was actually learning something from me, that is. In that respect, Tirion had a fine wolvish view of things, and while we had an objective, we got along well with each other.
We were three days out from the town when we ran into elves, hunters from around Lake Evendim. Gildor knew one of them. They had been in Gil-Galad's army together, and neither had been aware the other was still in Middle Earth. The group also reported there were a number of Silvan and Wild Elves near the lake, and it turned out Gildor knew several names. After some debating with himself Gildor decided he definitely wanted to meet them again, so he and I settled on the plan that he would go to Evendim with the hunters, while I would stay near, about halfway between the downs and the Evendim hills. There was a part of rocky region where I could wait and take shelter. Assuming Tirion was going with Gildor I had planned going as wolf, but then the younger elf decided he would rather stay with me.
Gildor smirked, knowing that threw me very much. At the moment, Tirion and I got along only when both of us kept a firm reign on our tempers, and most of the time I did not react to things that riled me about him only for Gildor's sake. Tirion probably did the same, fearing the time while Gildor would be gone, but still leaving me unable to fathom just why he would choose to stay with me at all.
It turned out much harder than we had expected getting along peacefully with each other this time. In addition, I was on edge because I had not hunted well, neither as wolf nor unfurred. We were hungry and had spent several nights out of cover trying to round up satisfying prey. The nights were incredibly cold and Tirion was freezing and hungry. He was yet a much worse hunter than I, and I couldn't help snapping at his remarks. He did not have Gildor's cool acceptance or his authority. Neither had he the Elda's sharp tongue to shoot back at as good as he got, so we quarrelled about simple matters more often than not. My wolf part tended to gnaw at the weakest part of the bone, and I knew I did not give him a moment rest when I had a chance to place some verbal dagger.
One icy night when it seemed autumn was ended definitely and winter had come in with an early snow I heard wolves howl again. I left the camp to hunt once more, and this time I returned with two lean rabbits. Tirion looked at them curiously as I stoked up the fire before skinning and spitting our meal. I had had my bow with me, but there was no arrow mark on the rabbits. I could see the confrontation coming when Tirion took hold of one scrawny leg and rolled a rabbit on its back suspiciously.
"Their necks are broken" he said suddenly, horrified.
"Of course" I said "Kel hunted them"
"Kel?-" Tirion's voice turned over on the word.
"Kel" I repeated. I turned to look away into the darkness beyond the fire and made a soft sound in my throat. There was a slight motion, a gleam of eyes, and Kel, a shaggy grey wolf, moved up to our place. Tirion was dumbstruck. Having seen that same look directed at me often enough before I knew his mind told him to reach for his weapon – any weapon – and do something.
"Kel" I said again. I made two quick cuts across one of the rabbits, skinned it and severed the places where the bloody skin still clung to its limbs. Then I held the skin out and the wolf closed the distance between us, coming so close that I knew Tirion could smell him and see the black pupils in the yellow eyes. Kel's fangs gleam briefly as he took the skin from my hand and disappeared into the darkness with his prize held tight in his jaws.
"It's only scraps for chewing. The skin is nothing worth troubling for, for a wolf. It is the entrails guts he will appreciate most" I said, repeating the process with the second rabbit and gutting the animals. Tirion's eyes burned into my back.
"Are you mad!"
I positioned the rabbits over the fire and cleaned my hands with snow.
"Yes"
"That is sorcery" Tirion was hardly able to speak coherently.
I gave him a cold look and snorted "Sorcery? Kel is a simple wolf. His pack cast him out, and for the winter, he is alone. We hunted together, and his share was a rabbit and the leftovers from our meal I promised to him. if you care for the guts, there they are"
"You – you promised? Do you talk to them, then? Are you – What spell - "
"Do you believe Bermo's fancies then?" I interrupted him, my temper snapping once more. "Or was it a beer too much?"
"You know as well as I that it wasn't" Tirion hissed. Only then, he obviously remembered that I had not denied the man's words and said as much. I stared at him for a long moment, caught between the attempt to try and explain and the wish to shout the truth at him. I knew I was not so much angry at him than at the whole situation, but he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, saying the wrong things.
"Have you never listened to Gildor?" I demanded "In all your talks about the fucking world and my business, did you never once listen? He spoke about the wolves, didn't he? When we heard them howl, he spoke of them, because he knew. He knows as well as I to understand them by now"
With the last I failed to keep my voice down.
"Why the hell have you never told me?" Tirion demanded wildly.
"What would it have changed! I thought you had it straight by now!"
"But he laughed!" Tirion said desperately, almost shouting as well "He laughed when he said it"
"Yes dammit, he laughed. He laughs a lot, you know?"
I fell silent before my voice broke. The time by the sea had unsettled me more than I wanted any of my two companions to know, least of all Tirion. To think that some time – soon, so damn soon – I would have to part ways with Gildor at just that boundary drove me mad. Even now, with no more than a march of four days between us I felt strained. I missed Gildor, his calm presence, the pack leader. I missed the touch of his skin, the scent of his hair. And I missed his laughter. Time passed, but not smoothly as for a wolf, time chafed past me.
And all Tirion could think about was that a wolf had hunted our meal for tonight? What was the difference if I had shot the rabbits with a bow? They were dead all the same, and the wolf's fangs had been kinder. I was not good enough with a bow to shoot to kill. Usually I only managed to bring my prey down, then I had to run and kill it with a knife. No, I definitely preferred the wolf's much more immediate way.
Tirion stared at me as if I had sprouted antlers.
"And do you remember the rest of what he said?" I hissed, loosing my restraint "I do not only talk to them. I do not only hunt with them. I am a wolf, Tirion. And he wasn't joking then, he was not talking in images"
Tirion snorted.
"What would you have me do?" I demanded savagely. "Change, so you can see I can do it when I wish? Without bat's blood and magic salve?"
"Yes" Tirion shouted back, now equally angered "Prove it, dark elf. Call your wolf"
I was on my feet in a moment and Tirion leaped up as well. I threw the blanket down and flung myself through the change. I landed on all fours without faltering and left paw-prints in the hard snow as I stepped aside. I stared at Tirion through the wolf's eyes, and the younger elf simply stared back. I could feel the wolf wrinkle his muzzle in threat, baring his fangs. Before I lost control over the wolf in my anger I turned the change back, reaching for the discarded blanket as I got to my feet.
Tirion sucked in a breath he had kept through the whole thing. I looked down at the wolf tracks beside my own. Tirion made a backward motion, and I gripped his arm.
"Look" I ordered, breathless after the quick change and shift of perception, pulling Tirion towards me so he had to look down at the tracks "It takes energy, you know. A whole damn lot. But that is it. All I need for this is my own power. No fucking flowers, no concoctions"
I felt Tirion flinch at my viciousness. It was harder, much harder, to control the wolf when I was furious, and I could barely keep myself from flinging venom at him. It was not fair, I knew, but it helped nothing. I released Tirion and took a step back, feeling suddenly weary. I did not care what the younger elf did, if he should run away. It mattered not. Except that Gildor would kill me if he came to harm.
I was prepared for almost anything from Tirion, from angry tirades to attack to verbal abuse. He might have started waving a charm around! He had grown up with humans, and that fact tended to assert itself in the most unsuitable moments. Like when he found Gildor and me that night in the ruins. Like now.
But Tirion simply stared numbly at the tracks, then at me.
He whispered something in his own tongue that I did not understand. Suddenly he crossed the distance between us to stand face to face with me.
"Why did you say yes when I asked if I could travel with you, back at the camp?" he asked, his voice shaking.
"Why should I have refused?" I returned "I would not have said yes had I not wished for your company as well. I did not say yes to eat you"
Tirion's eyes blazed, then he dropped his gaze "Well, I can imagine that"
For a long while he stood where he was, an arm's length from me. I did not move once, chiefly because I had no idea what to do. He was shaking, and I did not know if it was out of anger or with the cold. He seemed to expect to feel hot breath on his neck, feel teeth snapping at him from out of the darkness.
"You're no elf"
It was barely a whisper.
I said nothing. I could neither deny nor proof that. If Tirion meant it as an insult or a simple truth, I could not say either.
"And Gildor" Tirion broke off.
"Do leave him out of this" I snapped.
"But he sleeps with you!" Tirion knew he had said the wrong thing the moment he blurted the words out.
"So what?" I hissed venomously, taking a step towards him "That is nothing new, Tirion! Do you think he lies with the wolf, or what?" I turned and stalked some distance away before the wolf decided to sink his teeth into something – or someone, for that matter. We had laughed heartily at that notion in Lorien, but right now -.
More silence. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down.
"Decide" I said finally "Neither of us will change. So decide now"
I crossed the distance between us once more. Tirion stood rock-still, frozen to the spot with fear or stubbornness. I reached out and put a hand under his chin, forcing him to meet my eyes.
"I have not acquired this power in the last two minutes. I am the same you met a year ago. Decide if you will travel further with us, and tell me yea or nay. Now"
Tirion swallowed.
He stared at me, dropped his eyes, and looked up again when I did not release him. He was frightened and angry at the same time, the wolf told me. And furious at me for shaming him. I realized how much the wolf had been steering me. I was not i'tan'ka, but neither was Tirion. We both followed Gildor, but our order was not settled yet. Though I had not bothered about that, the wolf had. And he had seized me when I had not been wary, in my anger, and sought to establish his advantage over Tirion. Who had no idea how my furred and unfurred parts interacted. He was frightened of me, and I felt it as the wolf scented fear or sickness. I couldn't help that, and I would not pretend to try and push the wolf back. Because of him, I had survived. Because of him, I was here now.
After what seemed an eternity Tirion finally nodded.
Later that night, Kel returned to the camp. He snapped up the bloody entrails hastily, then I went a little distance from the fire him. Kel was hungry enough that he ate the last rabbit skin as well. He inspected the bones of the rabbits I had laid aside and crunched them open to get at the marrow. I held the broken ends for him to gnaw clear, and felt his rough hot tongue on my hands. He squeezed the bone with his front teeth and pulled. I pulled back, and we tugged back and forth. Alone, he was glad for my company, and I could only say the same. The unfurred world seemed much too complicated without Gildor. I could not even find an intelligent way to deal with Tirion. To turn wolf and stay the night with Kel was tempting.
We were well away from the fire, but Kel seemed intrigued. He edged closer to the flames again after a while, sniffing and looking at the younger elf. Tirion tensed and wrapped his arms around his knees, trying to suppress uncontrolled shivering.
The mean part of me was tempted to let Kel satisfy his curiosity. He would sniff around Tirion for a while, stare at him, maybe give him an experimental shove, but otherwise leave him alone. Maybe then he would see Kel was a simple wolf and not a monster.
Before the wolf came any closer to Tirion I made a soft noise from where I still sat in the darkness. Kel turned and came back to me. Tirion watched us for a while until Kel took leave of me by pushing his muzzle under my chin and licking across my face. It was an affectionate gesture and usually reserved for the pack leader. I stared after the wolf thoughtfully.
"Where is he gone?" Tirion asked uncomfortably when I returned to the fire and sat down opposite him.
"To hunt again. And then to sleep. I take the watch this night" I added. "He might return, and you will not want to meet him alone"
"Indeed not" Tirion mumbled.
The next day we finally reached a cave which at least deserved the name. Here we would wait for Gildor before going on further east. After the first snow, two warmer days of clear weather had followed. Now, winter was approaching quickly, and once it was there, I knew it would not leave the land for several moons.
I lay on the ground in the cave, watching my breath cloud in the cold air. So near the entrance I could feel the wind move, but out of the cold breeze I was comfortable with my few furs. Still I found no rest. Waiting, the wolf told me, disgusted You are waiting and worrying.
Somewhere close, Kel was still lingering. Probably he would be around all through the snow season. I would have invited him to share the cave with us, or at least his body-heat with me, but Kel sensed Tirion's acute discomfort and did not stay long when he visited.
Tirion was freezing under his furs and blankets and unable to sleep. He would have done well with Kel warming him a bit. I listened to him rolling and tossing for a while more.
Stupid boy.
I sat up and pushed two more hides towards Tirion.
"Here"
Tirion jerked his head up, sticking it out from the mountain of bedding he had heaped onto himself, looking for all the world like an unfledged nestling in an untidy eyrie. The alarm he showed irritated me extremely. I could deal with his sniping, but this sudden fearfulness drove me mad.
"Blankets" I snapped. "Don't worry, I would not even think of offering to share the furs for the risk of having you drop dead with shock"
"Stop mocking me" Tirion said sharply, though he coloured slightly.
I snorted softly. The younger elf had not been able to face me a whole week after he had found out the nature of my relationship to Gildor. That he constantly seemed to fear advances from my side was even worse. I turned away and curled up under my blanket. Tirion's humans had a funny idea of correct relations. I wondered what bothered him most, that I was also a wolf, or that Gildor had obviously chosen me as lover. The fact that I was male, or that I was dark elven.
Stupid boy.
Well, let him freeze.
Snow has not even fallen yet.
He will be surprised at the cold then-
A long time we lay silent. I could hear him shift restlessly, though Tirion obviously tried to suffer unobtrusively.
"Raven?" he asked tentatively after a while.
"Uhm?"
"I'm sorry"
I sighed silently, relenting a bit.
"Never mind"
Tirion sat up again, pushing the bedding away so he could look over the absurd heap of furs. I heard it. I was bound to react, so I pushed myself up on one elbow and looked at Tirion.
"I can't help thinking about it when you do something like that" Tirion admitted uncomfortably.
"With the humans, I heard every day how very wrong it is, and how loosely you elves saw the matter-"
"You're an elf yourself, Tirion. Though they may have forgot to tell you"
Tirion shook his head in denial "I may have elven blood, but – hell, I can't even really see in the darkness" he said bitterly.
A little light from the entrance fell into the back of the cave where he was freezing. Tirion's eyes reflected the slight glimmer.
"Practice" I said "You just have to learn to use those senses and you can do anything any other elf can do"
I sat up completely and moved to lean against the uneven rocky wall "Now what bothers you, Tirion? That you think you're only half an elf, that I am half wolf, or the thing between Gildor and me?"
Tirion looked away and stuck his knuckles into his eyes. "I don't know. All. None"
I laughed despite myself "Decide on one and see what we can do about it"
Tirion pulled his knees up under the furs and wrapped his arms around some portion of the fur heap. He carefully looked past me into the night beyond the cave entrance.
Of course. I needn't have asked.
"So the last. And what do you expect? That I would try and rape you?"
Tirion looked away and blushed crimson "You said I would be safe"
I wanted to laugh. If I had not missed Gildor so much I would not have been able to contain myself. It was hard to keep the wolf from playing a little cat and mouse.
"Hell, yes. And do you doubt it?"
"Yes. I mean, n- not really"
"Now that was a heartfelt answer" I hated discussing my private business. I forced myself to leave my place and crawled past the fire pit as the cave was not high enough to walk upright. I knelt down beside Tirion who finally met my eyes.
"Not really doubt, or not really safe? Tirion, what is between Gildor and me is keyed to what we are, who we are. Because he is Gildor, and I am what I am. It is a decision between us, and only us. Do you understand? It does not mean that either of us prefers males. It concerns only us. We both had mates before we became lovers. Female partners. And I am not going to start a collection of bed-partners"
"What do you mean?" Tirion's voice was barely a whisper.
I shrugged, inwardly kicking myself for saying too much "Just that" I said evasively. "Whenever you start to trust someone, he either loses interest, or circumstances come between you. We avoided the first very well, but won't escape the second. Joy was mortal, and Gildor will go over the sea"
"You must have known both before- well – before you…"
"I knew, yes. - Now, will you stop fearing I would do anything with you? Or to you, for that matter?"
After a long moment, the younger elf nodded. I made a satisfied sound "And now I'm going to get firewood before you freeze to death"
I was nearly out of the cave when Tirion's unsteady voice called me back.
"R- Raven"
I stopped, uncertain "Yes?" I asked guardedly, turning around again.
"Y-You said, they – would lose interest – when you – start to trust them-. Do you – Does that mean that – you are not going to trust me – because you – fear I – would turn away as well-?"
I forced my breath to remain calm. Sometimes Tirion had Gildor's keen ability to turn the tables on me in a matter of seconds. But it was different admitting something like that to Gildor than to Tirion who I hardly knew.
"That would be the…logical progression to that…reasoning" I said, hastily making good my escape from the cave.
When I returned with an armful of dry boughs, Tirion seemed to be asleep. Relieved, I poked the glowing embers into life and added small sticks, one after the other, watching the dry wood catch and the flames grow until they gave comfortable heat.
"Raven"
I flinched when Tirion spoke the name and looked up. Tirion had wrapped the furs around him that he now looked like a roll. He pushed a blanket down again so more of his face than his eyes was visible.
"Come"
I looked at him searchingly.
"Please" Tirion said "It is cold. Just – just come here"
I added a small supply of wood to the fire, then moved over to Tirion's place. The younger elf loosened the roll he was in and shifted to make room for me.
Naked skin warmed better than linen, but I did not remove my clothes to prevent any possible misunderstanding. I yelped when Tirion pulled the fur mountain into position again.
"Hell, you are freezing"
"I said it's cold"
I had no intention to sleep, and Tirion obviously could not either. After a while he spoke again "I- know I must seem foolish. Not even the wolf unsettled me so much-. But – what I said when you left - you – have not answered my question"
"I do not want to"
"Well, yes, I imagine. What if I asked you to answer nevertheless?"
I held my eyes shut "Maybe I would refuse"
"And maybe not?"
I made no answer, waiting.
Let's see if he does it-.
But Tirion didn't. Instead he said "You said you – also wished for my company. That you wanted to travel with me"
"I did. And I meant it"
"But- what if I could say that I – would not – leave you even – even when there was nothing left you could teach me? Would you trust me then?"
"Can you honestly say so?" I asked softly, turning around to face Tirion finally. As much as he vexed me I also felt an obligation to him. Maybe it was the wolf, who felt responsible for his pack-mates, maybe the elf-part decided to exhibit some decency. In any case, I felt constrained to answer truthfully this time, even if that gave my own defence a crack "I don't think so. And – I am not – strong enough to lose someone else again I have…let come close"
Tirion returned my gaze, looking helpless "Maybe you were right. I'm too young to understand an elf"
"Look" I said after a moment "You might find your path is quite different from skulking around in the wild and avoiding settlements and killing a few last orcs. There might come a time when you don't ever want to see a wolf again. You are an elf. You will find that forever becomes very long indeed. Don't try to commit yourself to one direction without knowing the other paths"
"You sound like Gildor" Tirion complained weakly.
I winced "Maybe. He probably would say something like that. But he had ages to decide on his path, and he still does not see it clear. Let us settle this for tonight, Tirion. The decision is finally yours. Because my path is set"
"The wolves -"
"Yes. 'Until the end of Arda', if you will. If I don't get the wrong end of a spear again. The sea is out of the question"
I took a breath and let it out slowly. That was what was there for the Ashi'kha. Nightchaser had said so. And I knew the shaman had been right. He had spoken a truth the Hawk had shown him, but I needed not travel the shadow paths to see the future. Wolves would always die in the slings of humans. And it was my job to see that it weren't too many. If I did it furred or unfurred did not matter at all.
"There will always be wolves, and so I will be there with them. The wild is getting smaller, little by little, since the beginning of time. And the wolves are wild, only wild. Maybe that's why we are still here, the Ashi'kha – we know both ways. Maybe one day we will have to be what the wolves were for us, in the beginning. Maybe we will have to guide them, watch over them-. But that's a long time still, and maybe it will never come. I was born Ashi'kha, Tirion. There is no real choice for me, and if there was, I would still choose this. But I cannot bind you to this way, just as I cannot bind Gildor. And neither can you bind yourself. Not yet. Do you see?"
"Yes. Maybe. Maybe not. But I still think, I – I will not go away. Neither across the sea, nor back to the humans. And what is left otherwise?"
"I don't know. But we will see. It will come, whatever we do"
"That's the wolf talking, then, isn't it?"
"Oh, the wolf has his own worries as well. But yes, that's him. Get used to it"
Silence. I thought he was trying to sleep, but then –
"You said you did not know any humans. Closely, that is. But Joy-"
Damn. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. Trust me to always say too much at the wrong time.
"She wasn't human, Tirion" I said after a moment "She was a mountain wolf"
More silence. Then Tirion groaned "Oh gods. Gods, for all the world-"
He ran his hands over his forehead as if trying to squeeze the idea out. I craned my neck to look at him. He stared at me, and I couldn't help grinning. Tirion gave a feeble laugh and shook his head "I can't believe it"
"Then don't. And for heaven's sake, try to sleep"
Tirion still shook his head, but he obeyed and closed his eyes. It was long before he finally fell asleep. Kel's head appeared in the entrance, his ears cocked. He gave a small sniff, and lay down in front of the cave. Knowing he was there, I closed my eyes as well and wished that just for once, time would pass faster.
Chapter notes:
Song at the beginning is "Logical Progression" from Uriah Heep's "Sea of Light"
Kel: Ashi'kha "sharp"
I'tan'ka: Ashi'kha leader (lit. "one-walks-first"). Actually it is a Cherokee word, Itancan, which also means "leader".Tirio