To dream of Wolves

Orocarni, 4th Age 7

Gildor's POV

Summer. The whole forest sweltered in the heat. This region seemed to be ruled by extremes only. It was either freezing cold, stormy and rainy, or broodingly hot.

I knew it was not true, but at the moment I fondly imagined I was right. If I shut my eyes and simply listened and breathed, the forest remained as visible as if I had seen it in the glaring sunlight. Resin and dry needles scented every slightest breath of air. Last year's dry cones popped softly as they were baked dry in the unrelenting heat. There was no sound beside that. The clan slept the day away, and even the birds seemed numbed. Drowsiness hung over the whole land.

It was a day to spend sleeping in the shadow, to get up at dusk, play, and go hunting. So much the wolves had told me this late morning, when I had crossed their resting place. I had come here across a high ridge, and far below I had seen the even lands glimmer in the sun, a haze of hot air flickering above them.

I placed my hands flat on the dry, needle-strewn ground beside me. Even in the shadow, the forest floor felt warm. I tried to imagine sitting on the surface of a world that was, as the old books said, globed amid the void. It was a vain try. In any case, the idea did not confirm me that there was a purpose to all things, it only recalled to me that the seas were round and that there was only one way that was straight.

All sounds, scents and sights here were the opposite of sea, yet it haunted me. Even when I slept, I either heard crashing surf or was followed by enticing, half seen half experienced visions of wolves. Neither dream served to give rest. The first only left me with a feeling of hollowness and loss, the second ever more with longing. Wolves were around me all night and all day, and even in my dreams. I knew their appearance, their smell, the way their fur felt. I could imagine a wolf, down to the tiniest hair on the muzzle. Once I had shared Raven's and the wolf's mind, left my own body behind in a trance to almost be a wolf myself – I could do that again anytime, but more and more I realized that would be the worst I could do. It would only make the loss greater.

Amid the spicy, thick air of the mountain forest the sea seemed to reach for me, the lands narrowing and bringing the far shores to the foot of these mountains on which the clan lived.

…

High, dark cliffs stand tall above a crashing, black sea that seems to stretch into the distance forever and melt into the sky. At the cliffs' feet shines a small, silver light, and high above stars glitter. They seem closer and brighter than ever. There is no moon. Gulls call, swift grey shapes in the gloom.

There is a bluish glow beyond the cliffs, spreading like the early dawn light, but no sun rises. The light becomes brighter, turning from blue to golden, blinding, then revealing wide plains covered in high green grass that flows in a soft wind. In the distance, another mountain range rises, its highest peaks covered with snow. Between the sea-cliffs and the far mountains, at the end of the plain, a circle of white walls sits, surrounded by lightly wooded hills.

White walls –

- You cannot fight it forever. Why do you torment yourself with things you can never gain, creatures you can never understand wholly?

- I need time. I will understand then. I can be part of them. I listen

-You are alone. You will always be alone, in the end. The sea will cut you off always. Do you hear the waves? Listen to them

- I hear. But I am not alone. I have Raven. Do you hear me? Do not repeat in words what the sea tells me day and night!

- Raven cannot fight the sea for you. He said so in Lorien, you knew, and you still know. You become a ghost of your own memory, of your own wishes. Wishes you cannot make real!

- You yourself said we should look for the crossings in the path. I am still looking.

- Yes. Do not look until it is too late, though.

- Go away, Altariel! I did not ask or seek counsel. I did not wish to…

-…to see the west? No, you did not want to. But your fёa does, and you brought yourself here. I merely gave you a nudge in the right direction.

- The direction you wanted. And I am in control of my fёa!

…

Heat. Resin. Bark. Tree. Quiet, heat-filled mountain forest. I forced myself to relax, to calm my pounding heart. I swore under my breath. Curse the damned Eldarin heritage, curse the sensitivity, curse the sea, curse it all for conspiring to take me there! Anger had broken the minute connection, and it still coursed through me. Damn Galadriel and her unceasing nosiness! Igot to my feet but did not walk away. It was useless. I could not escape anything. Curse her for always being right!

The light fell in bright shafts through the gaps in the canopy. Insects danced in the beams, and the thin, tough forest grass formed patches in those places where the light reached longest. Pink foxglove grew abundantly here, looking almost otherworldly in the glaring sun. I stared at a large, waist-high stand of it. The Ashi'kha of course did not call it foxglove. Lom'ashi they said, wolf-tongue. Just for what reason. I could not remember.

Look for the crossings in the path. And damn, I would do that!

The soft thud of paws made me turn. River bounded through the trees and leaped up at me, pushing his muzzle under my chin and licking my mouth. Odd, I thought briefly, but then had to concentrate on the wolf. River felt very much real and alive after the disconcerting vision. He dropped to all fours again, his tail raised, and looked back at Raven who followed more slowly. River examined the plants, trotting in circles and keeping his nose to the ground. I watched him with wistful admiration for a moment before turning to Raven.

"Well", he said, watching me "You look like you saw ghosts"

Raven said it carelessly, looking away into the forest with a wolf's all-encompassing interest into apparently empty land for a moment. The Ashi'kha way of saying answer me as you will, or not at all.

"Not ghosts" I said darkly after a while "Galadriel"

"Ah. She of course is not a ghost -" Raven glanced at me knowingly, then dropped his eyes "That means-"

"Trouble" I finished. Even in this heat the unbidden vision had made me shiver. I leaned against Raven, relieved to find myself back in reality, familiar sights and scents. Trouble. Raven had his own cares, though the greatest part was shared trouble. That means – the sea. Time was running. We could not be together day and night, and yet we could not be apart either.

"Speaking of which- what happened to you?" I asked.

"Me?" Raven smiled crookedly, wryly "River happened to me. Keep that in mind, will you?"

I pieced that together slowly. You can never understand wholly echoed hollowly in my memory, nastily. I can understand, I told myself stubbornly. I had learned, and I would keep learning. I could read the signs. The signs…River had greeted me first today, River who always waited respectfully for Raven to approach me. One of the wolf-laws that applied to us as well, here, just as Raven had handled it long before we had ever come to Wolf Clan. My connection with River was close, but the wolf had always accepted Raven as second after me, in wolf way had always waited his turn. We were a pack of three, and the order had been clear. This was definitely a complication!

"How did it happen? How could it happen?"

Raven shrugged "Just as the pack goes. He was biding his time, I knew. He is fighting for the lead. The current leader will have a hard time soon, the two brothers between him and River will not long stand against River. I thought he might attack me next, and he did. Well, he won. Now that he has me out of the way, he will tackle them"

"What will you do now?"

"Nothing" Raven shrugged once more "My position in the pack is not vital to my survival as long as we are with the clan. I can live with bottom rank just as well. I only want to be part of the pack"

The clan's main pack consisted of seven wolves, and when he was furred, Raven held the fourth rank after the leader, just above River. He had attained that rank as wolf, fought for the position and, I knew, also fought with River some time ago when the young wolf had pushed his two siblings back to become the fifth in the pack's order. But Raven's prevailing against River within the pack had been transferred to our pack of three and the way of unfurred. Now, the changed order on wolf-level would have to be accommodated as well.

"That means I will have to be careful of who of you I touch first in the future, according to your rank?"

"Yeah" Raven grinned "He won't claim my place, though"

Place and rank. Two very different concepts in Ashi'kha, and wonderfully suited for double-edged word-plays. I smiled weakly "One more trouble"

"Hm. No" Raven glanced at me "One more chance to act wolf way"

"You don't seem particularly disturbed by this…change"

"If you are referring to River – no. He did nothing I did not expect, after all"

I watched the wolf thoughtfully. River's fur was lighter than that of the other wolves, and the black markings on face and back stood out in stark contrast to the rest of his coat. He was hardly visible in the current light in the forest, especially if seen against the sun. He was one of the few wolves who could disguise himself in glaring light as easily as Raven at night. River hunted by day mostly – khai'ashi the Ashi'kha called wolves like him, day-wolves. If he had the choice, Raven always chose the night. Moonless night especially, when he would be invisible.

It was all so frustrating – things could be perfect. Instead, time slipped through our hands while we grappled for handholds to gain a few more moments. With an effort I turned my mind back to the present conversation "The pack has grown large. All pups of the last litter have survived until now. Your pack will have a hard winter feeding itself, even if they keep to the clan"

Raven shrugged "River will have to prove his leading abilities. I will not try and keep my place in the pack over the snow season"

"That means you will hunt with them and not insist on your prey?"

By now I could read between the lines when wolf-business was concerned.

"Next summer I can attach myself as last wolf to the pack again. That is enough"

"Hm…River will be in for a number of fights then in the next few days. At least with the brothers. The current leader is what – ten?"

Raven smiled briefly "Twelve. He and his mate are positively ancient by wolf standards! He won't gamble a comfortable age as the clan's oldest wolf on trying to defeat River. The two will probably leave the pack without a fight and stay with us. But River might let them stay on, too. I don't know, we'll see"

That was not usually the way, but Wolf Clan's pack could afford a bit of difference "Do you think he will challenge me as well, then?" I asked uncomfortably after a while.

"Hell, no" Raven looked scandalized "He chose you as ashk'nor. Even if you could fur and would take a wolf's part in the pack, he would never touch you. This is out of wolf-business completely"

"Hm" I did not feel convinced "You know, those teeth of his are awfully sharp. And he never used them against me in earnest"

"He never will"

"He did against you"

"Yes but I am part of the pack. That, firstly. I also was furred, and I was willing enough to try a fight, and I faced him on wolf terms and not as ashk'nor. There won't be much change here, except that you should remember to acknowledge him first to spare me a few nasty nips"

I shook my head "Well, I asked for it, didn't I? What with all the wolf-way thing"

"You did" Raven confirmed with a grin.

River drifted back towards us, his mottled coat giving the impression that he rippled across the ground like light and shadow combined. In his sparse summer fur River looked much thinner and long-legged than in his massive winter-coat. He reared up against me once more, enjoying his new privilege, then brushed by Raven's legs and invited us both for a stroll through our territory. The streams had grown thin in the lasting heat. The ground around them was muddy and pockmarked by wolf paw-prints. Yet the water still ran clear, and Raven dropped unceremoniously to all fours to drink, waiting pointedly for River to quench his thirst first.

"Aren't you thirsty?"

I had been watching them thoughtfully but not approached the stream "No"

Raven waited for me to cross the water "Did she curdle your appetite so much?" he asked.

I grinned briefly "I had a good breakfast. But she would have, yes…You know" I added abruptly "Your wolves keep following me, even at night"

Raven stared at the densely grass-covered ground we crossed "So you dream of them…like – you was one"

"Sometimes I wish I needn't wake from those dreams" I stared at River trotting a little in front of us "I wonder…what I would give for such a chance. But there is not terribly much I have to give. I…sometimes I am not sure if I am dreaming about wolves in general, River, myself, or all at once. It doesn't seem to make a difference. But then…that is the only time I don't seem to hear those damned waves"

For a while, I had thought it would be enough to be around the wolves, to see them, to be able to touch them…to have the black there. But now…now I felt impatient and disgusted as Raven sometimes did in what he then called his clumsy and soft unfurred form. But he knew the difference – he could change.

"You know" I said "I have tried and pretended I am a wolf. It…does not seem enough anymore, just pretending"

"You are not just pretending" Raven said after a while "No way. You have seen that wolf there? Do you think he would guard you with teeth and claws and boil in the hot springs with you if you were 'just pretending'? No"

"No he wouldn't. But…it is not enough for me. To dream of wolves is not enough"

Raven winced "I never thought you would ever envy me the demon-hound" he said at length "You know, I feel so foolish. Here we are, companions and lovers for years on end, and all I can think of is this stupid remark! I go about shifting and changing at will and you are caught in that body of yours"

I had to smile "Neither did I think that. But some people take awfully long to learn"

"Yes, I know, I am the best example" Raven said remorsefully "I'm still too dense to say something intelligent to you. Im sorry"

Raven stopped and I turned around to face him, puzzled.

"I'll go with you" he said abruptly "If you can't stay, I come with you. They can't swap me out of the boat or something. Whatever They do, They must let me go with you"

"Stop" I interrupted him "Right there. Don't ever think about it. You have the wolves. They are your chance. You cannot give that…you cannot give yourself away for nothing They could give you back"

"I would have you, you cursed rockhead" Raven snapped "I can't give you a chance to change, but at least I could do that"

I fixed him with a stare that would have frozen a bucket of water from top to bottom right here. Raven snapped his mouth shut. I could not say if he was making things worse instead of better, spouting impossible suggestions and plans. Making it worse, perhaps, in tempting me to break a resolve I would ever after rue having broken. To think of going there with him…No.

"Raven, I don't want to go there with you. I want to stay here with you" I said finally "Silly dog. You have no idea what you are talking about"

Raven glanced at me "Maybe not. I have absolutely no idea. But I will happily try. And I sure remember you saying something like happy goes lucky"

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