Disclaimer: I don't own Queer as Folk.

A/N: This is not a Lindsay/Brian story, though you may think so, it isn't. I spend most of my fanfiction days thinking up ways to pair two guys up and make it believable, and what would be the point of spoiling a good thing when the guy/guy action is already laid up in front of you, wrapped up in a neat package with a silver bow, ripe for the picking?

This is set in season four after Brian comes back from Ibiza. This was originally intended to be a Brian confesses to Lindsay that he has cancer (insert drama and angst here) but that idea got washed away with the tide. This turned out to be more of a reflection fic, with Lindsay pondering the mystery that is Brian Kinney after he confesses to her than he has cancer. The drama and angst will be left for another day :D

Summary: Lindsay thinks about Brian and comes to the conclusion that beneath his cold exterior and less-then-desirable attitude, she would not have him any other way.

Perfection.

"I have cancer."

It was as if the world stopped turning at that exact moment. I bet Brian would have taken pride in that fact. It was so like him, to believe that the earth revolved around him and whatever stunning, jaw-dropping news he had decided to break to people at that time. I always knew it wasn't true though. Brian might have always made himself out to be this ignorant, narcissistic, pompous ass, but I've always known better. Just like I should have expected something like this from him.

God. That is so like him! One minute, he's being his usual, snippy, sarcastic self, then the next, he's telling you that he's got cancer. Just dropping the ball (figuratively speaking) on you like it wasn't all that big a deal, like it didn't matter. I hate when he does that. I hate it that sometimes he says things like it wouldn't matter to us, his friends. I hate it that he can be so nonchalant about something as big as … cancer. I can't even believe I'm saying that word in context to the name.

Brian Kinney has cancer.

It's almost a surreal thought to grasp that the indestructible Brian Kinney has contracted such a thing. I know his dad died of it, and that it can be genetic in some people, but this was just unfair.

I know what Brian thought of his family, of his dad. He used to clue me in a few times during a drunken, stoned romp in college; I never really got the whole story, but enough to understand what life at his house would have been like. Michael and Debbie have more knowledge about it, Brian used to say that whenever shit at his house got too bad, he'd always have one place to go. So, the natural bet would be Debbie, seeing that he and Michael were and are best friends, that and the fact that everyone ends up at Debbie's house one way or the other.

It's sad to accept that the only thing his father had left him was this disease. Even in death, he had managed to torment Brian. I can't really say much more about him. He had always been kind of nice to me, and even to Gus. To know that the same man that had held Gus with so much kindness was the same man that used to beat on Brian when he was small, and now, for the encore, he left Brian something to remember him by.

It was so unfair. But as Brian would say, shit happens. Deal with it and move on.

You know what? I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to forget about it or move on all while knowing that Brian had decided to keep something as big as this a secret from the people who care about him. I don't want the thought of Brian being in that operating room alone. The image of him going under a knife, strangers cutting into him like a piece of meat … like what Mel and I had been doing at dinner at the same time. Knowing that he had come out of surgery, only to wake up to an empty room. He was alone, when he should have been accompanied by us. The people who love him and care about him the most; to have Justin there by his side and take care of him. God only knows how Justin's dealing with this, poor kid. Sure, Brian would have hated people there to coddle him and smother him, but there were times when he just had to suck in his gut, heed his own advice and deal with it.

There were times when I wish that I could just hate him. That I could just do like Mel and sweep all his troubles under the rug and forget about it. But I can't. I can't hate him, I can't ignore him and I can't not worry about him … he's Brian. He's always there when I need him, and I will be here when he needs me, even though he'd rather bite his own tongue than admit it. Because, whether he likes it or not, I love him, and I always will.

I have him to thank for practically every good thing that's happened in my life. If it wasn't for him, I would probably never have come out of the closet, and ended up marrying some, uppity, upper-class stiff with a stick shoved up his ass. I wouldn't have anyone to tell my troubles to, to console me and give me the strength to walk in the face of society again. I probably would never have met Mel and, of course, without Brian, I never would have had Gus. Heck, Mel and I wouldn't even have a wedding if it weren't for him bringing all the guys together, giving us the rings. He even offered us his ticket to Miami for our honeymoon.

The honest truth was, I didn't really want him to go, but at the same time, I did. He had done a lot for us already and he deserved to go to Miami and fuck all the hot guys he wanted. So, I told him to go. That's one of the reason's why I can never hate him, or agree with all the negative things people say, because I've seen that side of him. The side that probably only Michael and Justin have seen. It's not something you can explain given the limitation of the human language, but it's just as well; Brian always prided himself in being above mere mortals.

It wasn't just me that depended on Brian, the others do too, even though they'd be as willing to admit the truth as Brian would be. Ted would still be wallowing in his own self-pity and probably jobless, or still working at that singing Italian restaurant, had Brian not offered him a job at his company. That's twice Brian's helped him with a job, just before he made it big with his porn site, which, if Brian hadn't made a divine intervention, he's be going to prison for. And just look at him now; he's back, and better than ever.

And Emmett, well, he told me during brunch one afternoon, that Brian had been the one who had told him to get over Ted, and it was because of that simple truth that he had managed to get up on all fours and get on with his life. Michael ... well, what is there to say about Michael and Brian that hasn't been said before? If there's anyone Brian would show that he cares about him, it would be Michael, though, sometimes, I'm not sure whether it's the right thing or the right way he's gone about to do it. Like with what had happened at Michael's thirtieth birthday party.

Even with Debbie, who sometimes complains about him and his bad influence. She knows, he knows and everybody on Liberty Avenue knows that she thinks of him just like a son.

Last, but definitely no least, Justin. They've been though their up's and down's, just like everybody else. But I know that Brian really loves him, even if he denies it, rattling on about his 'no commitment' policy. He has been doing less of that since lately, particularly, since the Ethan saga, and somehow, no one tries to take the piss out of him using that one. I think he appreciates it. And from what Justin's friend, Daphne told me about the prom, it was indeed a sight to be hold. How I would have loved to have been there to witness it. Makes me think back on my own prom with fond memories.

I'm not trying to make out Brian to be some sort of saint, even though sometimes praise should be given where it is due, but it's the truth. Brian cares for all of us, even though he would never say it a loud.

So what makes him think that we'd do nothing if he was in trouble? We helped him with his business after the incident with Stockwell. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that I already know what the answer is, and it has nothing to do with money. Oh, Brian ... why won't you ever change?

No ... I take that back. I don't ever want you to change. If you did, then you won't be Brian Kinney, the asshole everyone loves to hate and can never get enough of, anymore. I want you to stay that way, imperfect (in your own opinion) or not, you're still you, and to us, you're already and will always be perfect, just the way you are.

The End.