In grey wolf land evermore

4th Age 7

Raven's POV

Late summer.

The morning was already sweltering under the trees, and the sun baked hot on the patches where it reached the forest floor. The sky was clear blue, and there was not even the faintest hint of rain, not a single cloud, not even a light breeze.

I paced the clearing, debating whether I should get into the shade under the trees, go to the near lake or – whatever.

Gildor had complained about the weather last year calling it the most colourful names I had ever heard applied to climate. Today, I was inclined to agree with him entirely. The heat was unbearable even unfurred. I cursed under my breath. The sun burned on my skin, and that served to annoy me even more.

"Raven" Nightchaser greeted me from the shadows, wearing his calm shaman-faced smile. I had no doubt that was intended for me. Nightchaser felt wickedly amused whenever he could irritate me. That calm smile always served as fire to dry tinder. I glared at the shaman, narrowing my eyes against the bright sunlight.

"Nightchaser" I said "From the look of you, you have been watching for some time"

"And failed to see the cause for your pacing" Nightchaser left the shadows and surveyed the clearing, his eyes sparkling "What are you trying to do? Wearing a circular watercourse into the earth? You should walk from the lake to here in that case. We could all benefit from that then"

I remained silent.

"Well?" the shaman asked.

"Well what?"

"Well, what are you pacing for?"

"You suggested a water-course"

Nightchaser grinned "And have I been correct?"

"I don't know. I have not yet reached water level"

"Are you intending to?"

I sighed in exasperation "I could have run across the forest just as well"

"You did not" Nightchaser was thoroughly enjoying himself.

"Obviously not"

"Why not?"

"Why?"

"Why why, or why not?"

"Nightchaser, damn you!" I snarled. I shook my sweat-damp hair back in annoyance and stared at the shaman "State your business and then leave me in peace"

"Talk" Nightchaser said unperturbed "I want to talk to you"

"Well, then do, for heaven's sake. And talk sense. But do not expect me to join in"

That was about as far as I would, or could, go with Nightchaser. I tended not to turn my fury on the shaman and rather walked away.

"You did not run across half our summer territory because-?" the shaman ventured.

"I said do not expect me to join in, Nightchaser. That included answers" I snapped.

"Alright" Nightchaser conceded defeat "I will give you the answer myself – you are not all over the place trying to wear yourself out and instead you're cooking in this hot spot because you cannot leave"

"And pray, what do you expect now?" I asked angrily "I have no power against-" I broke off. Of course the shaman had me where he wanted.

"Say it" Nightchaser challenged. I snapped my mouth shut and stared at him, trying to decide if I had better leave now or see how Nighchaser went on.

"Say it you see you both facing only waves"

I didn't say it. I couldn't. I was so angry with him, with me, with the damned circumstances that I could hardly breathe. He could have asked no worse question.

Nightchaser's POV

I could afford to rile Raven like that, but I needed not have been shaman to sense the force of his flaring anger right now. Raven had changed in the long time away from the clan. I had only expected that, even more so with Niy'ashi's death. But the point where he lost control of things was decidedly lower at present than I could ever remember it having been. For a moment I thought I might have gone too far.

"Right" Raven snapped then "And I must stay here, if I do not want him to-"

I watched him, but Raven turned away

"I may be shaman" I said quietly "But I cannot read your soul, Raven, or his, for that matter. That is why I asked you to say it. Well, at least you have confirmed my assumptions"

"Your assumptions" Raven echoed "So. What.do.you.want, shaman?"

"Not to give you advice or I-think-you-shoulds. I want to remind you of something"

"Nightchaser" Raven snarled "I do not want to waste non-existing patience on solving shaman-riddles"

"It is no shaman riddle" I said thoughtfully "Though to you it may be such. Have you thought of ashi'khair?"

"What?" Raven frowned "Why should I turn wolf? I just told -"

I raised a hand to interrupt him, a little amused "You have spent so long a time among the outlanders that you do not listen correctly" I chided gently "Look for the images as well"

Raven closed his eyes for a moment, reaching for shreds of self-control "All right" he said slowly "And who else should turn wolf, then?"

"I did not say ashi'khar, someone should turn wolf. I said ashi'khair"

That was a vaguely different mental image. Raven fixed a dark gaze on me. He crossed the distance between us to stand before me. Had he been wolf at the moment he would have bristled. I was about the same height as Raven so he had the satisfaction of actually conveying his irritation and threat much better than when he tried this on Gildor, who was as tall as Hurondil and had our eyes level with his chest "You are too cunning to risk your life such, shaman" he hissed softly.

"I am" I returned his gaze. In this, I had the confidence of a wolf in his own territory "You have that power"

"I have not! And much less the right!" Raven turned away abruptly.

"Kela'shin"

I could not remember ever having ordered him by his true name. Raven froze. I took hold of his arm and turned him around "You have that power" I repeated "As for the right - that is for him alone to decide. You mean so much to each other. Think of it, Kela'shin"

"Explain yourself" Raven whispered tightly. I could feel him fight the urge to push me back.

"Myself? That would be a venture indeed" I laughed softly. It was too good a bait, but Raven was in no mood to appreciate it "But the meaning of my words, happily" I continued before he could virtually explode "Nobody here has ever had that power, Kela'shin" I said urgently, willing him to understand "Because no one ever got into such a situation as Niy'ashi's death posed to you"

"It is not.a.power" Raven hissed angrily "I would not have survived at all if Gildor had not been there. If anything, it is a failure, a liability!"

"No!" I suppressed the wish to shake him. He would kill me, probably, if I did "You may have died, yes. But you did not! Remember what those humans said? Fate goes ever as fate must? He was there, and now you are both here! And because Niy'ashi's death left you as you are you could initiate another soulbond, you could even take another's fёa through the change with you!"

Raven stared at me for what seemed an eternity "What right do I have even to tell him this, Nightchaser!" he hissed finally, clenching his hands, too taken aback to pull away "It is bad enough as it is for him, I simply cannot start speculating on some diffuse possibility! He is Elda! His partner is in the West, shaman! I cannot even think of binding him to – to a wolf!"

"You could not" I agreed "But he can. Look at you two!" I took a deep breath "Let me speak Quenya for a moment and maybe you see what I mean without fearing I would manipulate your mind. You're shielding so tight it makes my head hurt.

The hröa is subject to the fёa, as you prove yourself every time you change. If someone would give his fёa into your power who is not a changer, if he gave all control to you, you could pull him through the change! You have the power to do that! You are strong enough a changer!"

"And what would he have, shaman? A wolf body without any idea how to control it? And his fёa? He can change his body, yes, maybe, but his mind does not change! He would still have to go!" Raven dropped his voice to a hiss because he would have shouted otherwise "Did it ever occur to you, Nightchaser, that I may not be worth such a choice, if ever anyone were going to make it? There are unending years to come, do you think a wolf could fill them!"

"Damn, Raven, think!" I growled "I have had years to try and test if my interpretation of ashi'khair is correct, and Kelehan proved me right though we could not actually do it. But I am talking about you and him, not an exemplary case! If you soulbind, all that you are, wolf, will leave no place for the sea!"

Raven took a breath to retort but was cut short.

"Is that true?"

We both spun around. Gildor stood at the edge of the clearing, his arms crossed tightly before his chest. Raven stared at his friend in shock, obviously unable to decide if he was glad that Gildor had heard my last words or not. Gildor crossed over the clearing to stand beside us. Like all of us in this hot weather he wore only a loincloth and his unbound hair glittered golden in the bright sunlight. Kil'tor. Desert Lion. His own people had referred to the stars in naming him, but in Ashi'kha, that was his name. And rightly given. I had seen desert lions once, when I was very young.

"Is that true?" Gildor repeated sharply, looking from me to Raven. Don't you dare raise false hopes his eyes told me.

"It is" I let go of Raven and inclined my head slightly. I had intended to tell Raven first, make him believe the truth of what I said, but now that the Elda had turned up – well, fate goes ever as fate must. After all, Gildor was less hampered by as relentless and unforgiving a view of himself as Raven.

"The final decision lies with…the one he would be taking with him. If there is the slightest hesitation, it will not work. The fёa can not be forced" I could have said more but decided it was better to absent myself now. Gildor, too, listened very well to what I said. What I knew about fёar I knew from Hurondil and him. He would figure out what was needed. And that was my only chance. To save both of them. Give them a chance to save themselves. I did not know what Raven would do if ashi'khair failed, if Gildor still had to leave. I only knew he would not be Wolf Clan any longer.

Raven's POV

I watched him go, then looked at Gildor desperately.

"That is it" Gildor said quietly, as if suddenly understanding something "That is what they all sensed and no one could place, Glorfindel, Galadriel, all of them -. Not the change, not that you can mind-kill, that. And not even you knew -"

I shook my head, feeling as swept away and overwhelmed as never before. Not even doing the Hawk Dance in Rivendell, the first night after hundreds of years of not seeing one of my people, had shaken me so much. I wanted to get away, think this over. Realize the consequences for us. If it worked. If it failed.

"Tell me!" Gildor demanded when I moved backwards. He caught my arm and held me back. I wanted to tear loose. I knew he was stronger than I if it came to pure strength. I clasped his hands, suddenly feeling unable to stand upright any longer. The immensity of what Nightchaser had suggested registered with me. Of what he asked of Gildor. What he thought I was. Gildor kept me from falling and went to his knees with me.

"You can't do that" I whispered "You can't even consider that! You must not! You are – you have – you have kin in the west. You are Elda! You cannot give that up for – for – a wolf!"

"Maybe not for a wolf" Gildor said softly "But a raven?"

"Don't" I whispered "I can't do – not enough"

"What you can't is cross the sea" Gildor interrupted "What I can't is stay. Not this way, Raven. I am only Brother Wolf. You-" Gildor breathed deeply "You can turn Brother Wolf into a real wolf. You can fight the sea after all, Raven"

The sun was burning down hot on us. I could feel it heating my hair, sting my back. My tanned skin looked dark against Gildor's. Clutching his hands I felt his rapid pulse and finally found the courage to look at him. I tried to shake my head "Silmarusse-"

Gildor looked haunted, but he had the same decisive expression he got when hunting Orcs. His dark blue-green eyes met mine with wolfish directness.

"We are not married, Raven, remember?" he said quietly "That is what our decision was about"

"I would never dare to ask that" I said, so softly I could barely hear myself "No one could ever ask such a thing-"

"But it can be given, do you see?" Gildor shook me slightly as I reflexively turned from his stare "Do you know how often I wished I could change, in the last years? How much I want to stay here? How much I want to stay with you! Would you take it, Raven?"

Gildor's POV

Dusk.

Nightchaser stood beside me quietly, looking at the slowly darkening sky. It turned from a brilliant red to pink and slowly into a clear deep blue.

"You have given that thought?"

The idea was too immense to try and think it over. If I tried reason, I only ran in circles, a wolf trying to catch his own tail. Do it, or do it not. I looked at Nightchaser, remembering the first time I had met the shaman, in Imladris. The approving chuckle at my decision to 'think like a wolf'. How little had anyone thought – .

Raven was right, one never knew what the shaman saw and what he didn't. But at the moment he was obviously thinking of the same night.

"You are carrying your wolf way to the extreme" Nightchaser smiled gently, taking my hands into his "Forgive me if I must talk business now. None here has ever done ashi'khair. Kelehan and K'ashi have tried some things, but short of a soulbond we won't get anywhere. And he is not willing to bind himself that way, without reserve. It will all depend on you and Raven. As I said before, the slightest uncertainty and it won't work. Not even if you give all control to him can he force you through the change if you do not will it as well"

"I must try" I whispered "We must at least try"

"You cannot know your heart fully" Nightchaser said finally "But you are right, you must try"

Dusk deepened.

The air grew only a little cooler, but a slight breeze came up.

"I would not have ever mentioned ashi'khair if I were not pretty sure you have a fat chance" Nightchaser said finally into the soft sounds of the balmy evening.

"What can go wrong?" I asked softly.

"Nothing that would cause more harm than the realization that our ploy can not be made to work" Nightchaser said with conviction "You cannot be caught in the middle of the change or something in that direction. Nothing can harm your fёa from the outside either"

That failed to soothe me. Whatever he meant, his formulation told me there were things and occasions where that could happen. I pushed it out of my mind.

"What you must master alone is your wolf body. Remember, all of us are Ashi'kha. We are wolves in a way. No one can change your fёa. You remain as you are. You will not have a wolf's mind to cope with all sights and sounds that come with wolf perception. You must learn to be a wolf afterwards. Remember that so you don't panic then"

I had wondered what it must be like, to be a wolf. To have a wolf's body. Ever since that night in Rivendell, sharing that with Raven. But I had never thought about it with the knowledge that it was, now, entirely possible.

"How do you know about that – ashi'khair? About what it does? You mentioned Kelehan"

Nightchaser shook his hair back and looked up at me with a crooked smile "It's my business to know such things. But no" he added "Saka'nor and I puzzled over the ancient songs for years. Ashi'khair is described in several, though seldom in the same words or the exact steps. It always refers to – people – outside the clan. When Kelehan joined us and learned our language I did some more thinking and he was willing to listen and add some of his own knowledge. We decided ashi'khair was what I explained to Raven this morning – turning someone else wolf" Nightchaser paused "Worry about that when the time comes" he said "You know the wolf quite well, it will not be such a shock as it could be"

We still did not leave the clearing. I waited for him to move, and he most certainly for me.

"I tried to outwit the Valar once already" I said quietly after a while "It did not work, and Silmarussё paid for it"

Nightchaser cocked his head. He was about Raven's height and had to look up slightly "But we do not attempt the Valar" he said with a smile.

Sly, I would have called it, but somehow the shaman managed to make it not look so "The fёa is in control of the hröa. Maybe in the Ashi'kha more still than in your people. The…skills and purposes may have shifted during the starlit dark, and they certainly will have in Aman. There is a literal side to what I said, Gildor, about taking your wolf-way to the extreme. The basic power is your own. Only the way is what Raven must show you"

Nightchaser paused "We will not do magic as your people would most surely call it. That is why the two strongest changers in the clan will take guarding roles. With Raven you have definitely the strongest changer as leader already. Ha'tanar and me will only intervene when either of you loses the focus without intention"

There was something that had troubled me much more than the thought of getting into a furred and fanged, four-legged shape "And Raven? What if…if the change does not affect the sea? – Or worse, if I…if it only draws him into this as well?"

"The change will not affect anything about your mind" Nightchaser said "It is a…side-effect to what Raven and you will be for each other, a skill that comes as a consequence. You said you can feel his presence anchoring you here, in time. If the – the call of the sea would affect him as well, he would have realized it long before. When you soul-bind, the strain will be gone. You will be…anchored in yourself, so to speak"

Nightchaser looked at the sky for a moment "Shall we go?"

I took a slow breath. Useless to think. Just do it.

"Yes" I said.

I followed the shaman to the place they had chosen. It was a small patch of grass in the shelter of a huge fallen tree. The moss- and fungus-grown bole was so thick it reached up to our hips. The tree would probably take as much time to rot away as it had actually stood in the forest. Raven was there already, together with another Ashi'kha I remembered having seen sometimes but not really spoken to. He perched on top of the tree-trunk, but Raven knelt in the grass at its foot. He had his head bowed. His hair was so long by now it touched the grass in which he crouched. I was sharply remembered of the day I had first seen him, with Caladur's clan. I had thought him beautiful then, and I did so now. I went to him, and knelt opposite him in the grass. Raven looked up. He held out his hands slowly, and I took them. Nightchaser and Ha'tanar sat down on either side of us. I swallowed dryly, feeling my heart start to race. Raven held my gaze a long moment 'Ready?'

I nodded slightly and closed my eyes 'I am'

I was acutely aware of the two Ashi'kha and tried to fight nervousness. Raven alone would have been a different thing. I held on tightly to his hands, feeling them slender and calloused in mine.

'Ignore them' Raven whispered into my mind 'It is only us. The two only guard now'

After my thoughts had run in vicious circles with me all day and gnawed and dug at my decision it felt now as if all circling abruptly ceased. This was the way. This was right.

If ravens could not cross the sea, at least the gull could try to become a wolf.

'It is almost like making love, you know' Raven had keyed his sending to me alone, and I was very much glad for that because I felt myself blush. I dropped my shields and felt Raven do the same. It was so easy to release the hold on my shields, I thought with relief. But to let go of the final ones was harder. Lowering was not enough, they had to be gone.

We both hesitated 'If we do this now, we are bound' Raven tightened his grip on me 'I must take over from here then. If you are willing'

Soulbond. We had avoided it over all the years. I had always avoided it, Silmarussё had, Glorfindel had. Raven had. And here we were, on the edge of doing just that. It had been painful, in Lorien. We had gone right to the edge, where we were now, almost, and then backed away. Raven had relinquished all his shields then, not I. This, we would do together.

"No one expects you to take Niy'ashi's place" Nightchaser had said "But only the void he left makes it possible for you two to repeat it"

'I am' I dissolved all protections around my fёa, neatly and in the blink of an eye. I heard Raven gasp, but could not concentrate on the outer world any more. In answer Raven simply let go of all his powerful shields at once, including his inmost protections. That was not neat, and they vanished with a mental pop, the shock making us both reel. I felt steadying hands on my back, murmuring, and slowly the diffuse pain receded.

The principle of fёaraika. Fёa and hröa backlash upon each other.

'Couldn't you have done that gently, just once?' I asked Raven wryly when I could think straight again.

'Sorry'

It was strange, and very disconcerting to mind-speak without shields. Strictly seen, I thought, this was mind-speech no longer. We were still Gildor and Raven, and yet almost one. The almost made the difference to before. There was nothing anymore between us, yet without depriving either of identity or freedom.

Instead of frightening, that felt right. Powerful. And it was different from fёa-raika. It took us some time to sort through the moment.

Wolf and Raven. Wolf-Raven. Raven-wolf. No matter. Kela'shin.

Raven tugged at me, seemed to move forward though there were no directions anymore. The wolf was there, strong, completely alien, and still –

'I know him – you - '

'Yes' Raven's fёa, wild and strange and yet familiar closed the final distance between us 'Come with me?'

I tried to discern the feelings. I felt like standing on a high ledge, with firm rock at my back. The sea was rushing in my ears, roaring like a stormwind. Raven waited, hovering somewhere, anxious. I tarry I suddenly realized I must go with him now or never. Unfamiliar territory. I knew Raven, knew Raven-wolf, knew the wild wolves. But there was no border here – wolf and Raven were one, just as he and I were one.

I tried to centre myself, let go of any perception I still maintained to the outside world and felt Raven taking over…everything.

My world, whatever that was at the moment, turned upside down and inside out, twisted and writhed. I lost all control and orientation of who and what I was and went with flow, concentrating on Raven.

It took me a long moment to realize things had shifted. I was caught somewhere. Frightened. 'You are not!'

'Raven!'

'Of course'

I felt incredible relief wash over me. Raven's presence shifted things into perspective. The wolf was self-centred. If you took everything away, all conceits of the fёa, simply everything, the wolf was still the wolf, still himself.

The wolf would survive, Raven had said once, everything, even all alone. He rested in himself, needed no leader, no support. But that was the wolf alone. That Raven had also said. I need someone – always.

Defining the opposite.

'Lie still' Raven ordered calmly 'Control your senses. Don't open your eyes'

I tried to catch my breath. Eyes? I wondered. I did not have eyes. Why not? I was somewhere out of my body, it seemed.

Raven was hovering near, so was the wolf, but all seemed foggy. A while passed during which I coldly assessed my constitution. I was not out of my body. Slowly I became aware of breathing, hearing, of the world around me. Just when I thought I was sufficiently aware of myself my connection to Raven cleared 'Scent' he ordered, keeping my mind on an objective in the swirl 'Tell me'

'Grass' The strong smell of grass, earth, forest, all split up into a myriad of scents he had no name or even concept for. More scents – not of growing things. Very close.

'Nightchaser' Raven supplied 'Ha'tanar' Raven was somewhere, and yet completely with me. Another scent –

'Me' Raven stated with a chuckle 'Now listen'

I was still – somewhere. Not in the spirit world, but not yet completely in the real world. Nightchaser said I could not get stuck.

'You are not. I am only holding you back. Please, stop fighting me. It is really – draining. Listen now'

Had I been able to, I would have blinked 'Too many sounds'

Raven moved even closer offered a connection I would never have given credit of being possible. I listened with someone else's ears, but also understood with someone else's mind. The sounds were as uncounted and sharp as the scents. The rustle of grass, insects moving in it, the breathing of the two Ashi'kha, the sound of several birds and wind – it was overwhelming. I wondered what Raven was doing. How he was balancing all that.

Combined with scent the sounds slowly resolved into something coherent.

Night. Summer. Leaf forest. Unfurred. Furred. Rotting wood. Grass.

Here. Now.

I was alive.

The sudden realization jolted through me with a force like lightning. Earth. Forest.

As opposed to sea.

To Time.

'No no no no' Raven grappled with me 'This is right, take more time, wait, follow me'

I sensed Raven loosening his hold, giving me more room – I was lying on the ground – why that?

Raven caught my wondering 'Change' he whispered wearily 'Changed. It worked. Take care now. Nightchaser -. I am going to let you go'

Raven did. I felt that he lost his hold more than intending to release it. It was like falling, though I remained aware of lying flat on the ground. Something was wrong – no – other – there was a hand over my eyes. Another hand moving over me.

'Nokashi' The sending was not Raven.

I focused on it 'Nightchaser'

'Yes' The shaman sounded serene 'Before you do anything, follow my hand'

'I can't see'

Nightchaser chuckled 'Not with your eyes. This is what wolf feels like'

The touch even was strange. Fur. Oh gods -

"A wolf, I thought myself-"

A song of power, Raven had said.

'And so you don't fear the night, pay attention now' Nightchaser ordered softly, relieved 'A golden wolf. You made it, Nokashi'

Slowly, as Nightchaser carefully passed his hands over me, leaving no place out, the meaning sank in and things fell into place and reality. Desperation warred with elation for a moment. I looked for Raven, and found him at once. I felt and scented the black, sensed the soft thud-thud on the smooth forest floor as the wolf walked over and stood before me. His breath was soft and warm on my face – muzzle. I am wolf.

It is gone –

I gasped, sucking in my breath. What was that –

'Breathe careful' Nightchaser said 'The wolf breathes differently. Now you can anchor yourself in time. You are free as a wolf. And this path will always be open to you. The sea…has lost it's power. That is it'

'I can change at will!'

'Like one of us' Raven confirmed 'Because you have enough power in and of yourself. You only needed me to pull you through the change the first time, and maybe a few times more after this'

I wanted to get up, say something, embrace him – you won't have a wolf's mind to cope with the wolf's body – that was too true. I was acutely aware of – paws. Fur. A long muzzle. Bones and sinews that were set differently. Sounds. Nahar's balls, ears that could be – swivelled. A tail! Even my heart seemed to be beating differently. Breathing and all senses were different – yet somehow the shock I had expected and feared remained muffled.

'Because you have known me so well through all this time' Raven could hardly conceal his own elation.

Nightchaser finally took his hand off my eyes 'Vision is the most disconcerting thing with the change' he explained 'It helps when you get all else straight before'

I blinked. It should be night, yet everything looked as if it was early dusk. I saw grass blades and a number of different herbs just in my line of vision. An ant walked up a blade of grass. The forest behind was curiously foggy. With sight alone, that was.

I felt Raven's mind nudge me, and put sound, scent and sight together, giving me a complete, true picture of the surrounding land. Time of year and of day and night determined that, as well as the weather, the plants, the animals living here – countless things. That could not be analyzed, only accepted as a whole.

I moved my head slightly. For a moment, my vision seemed to be stuck, the new picture forming with slight hesitation.

'Colour…comes later' Nightchaser said quietly 'Your eyes do not change. Not really, that is. It just takes time to adjust'

The black. For the first time I saw him now with wolf eyes. Stunned, I stared at the black, and the black stared back with an equally paralyzed look.

Akh, and maia. Black and silver, that was what Raven had said once, when talking about an Ashi'kha legend. Light and dark counted, not the colour – but black was unchanging. Even to the wolf eyes therefore, the black was still black. The concept of Raven acquired a completely different meaning to the wolf. Not only sight, voice and aura, but scent and – something else – determined it.

'You are beautiful' Raven stated suddenly. The sending was keyed again. Mind-speech worked the same for wolf and elf, at least in my case, it seemed. With Raven, there was a shift when he was wolf.

I gave up trying to pinpoint anything. I was alive. Raven's desperate annunciation of wanting to fight Valar or sea hummed in the back of my mind. My wish to be able to do this. To run with him, be with him, and be this for him-.

'We made it' I would have shouted had the wolf been able to.

'Yes' the black nudged me with his muzzle. He made a curious hop, like a bucking colt and pounded his forepaws down in mock leaps, ducking so that his ribcage almost touched the ground 'Let us run' he urged 'Get up. Run!'

That was easier said than done. I sensed Raven reaching for a connection once more. It had been easy for us before. Now it worked without thinking about it at all. If I shared Raven's awareness of the wolf body it was easier to understand my own. I got up slowly, suddenly remembering how clumsy the black had looked when Raven had turned wolf inside the cottage in Eregion. Four feet were incredibly difficult to coordinate. To stand securely on paws even more. The theory of how wolf anatomy corresponded or diverged from elven was well known to me after years with the changewolf. But the practice of being suddenly inside a wolf body was…

'Steady' Nightchaser laughed and held up his arm to let me lean against it 'Take your time, Raven won't burst if he has to wait a little more'

I looked at Nightchaser, suddenly unable to form a clear thought. The shaman smiled and looked at me. There was something like deep respect in his gaze 'We only guarded' he stated 'and kept your connection from breaking once. All else was yours and Raven's power alone'

Nightchaser helped Ha'tanar up.

"Prey to thy fangs" he said, smiled, and the two Ashi'kha walked away from the clearing quickly.

I stood in the middle of it, wondering what to do with four legs and a tail, and thought that would pose a problem. Hunting. Prey-

'You do not need to hunt or kill as wolf if you do not want to' Raven said soothingly.

'But how…if my mind…I am still the same, how can…a physical change keep me from…keep the sea –'

The black crossed the space between us 'Because I have…we have changed together' he said slowly 'And we are soulbound…I cannot explain. Does it matter? It is – the combination of what we are – I think'

The black looked up suddenly with a mischievous glint in his eyes 'Fate goes ever as fate must. And now move! Or do I have to move you?'

He attacked, wrapping his forelegs around my neck and wrestling with me as I had seen the wolves play before. I found myself on the ground more often than not, wobbling unsteadily to remain on my feet and swishing a tail that refused to move correctly in an effort to keep my balance. I couldn't even think of using my fangs, so much simply gauging the next motion took my whole attention. Raven did not give me time to ponder anything, which was probably the best way.

When the black broke up the fight and called to me to 'Run with me now!' I followed, carefully, feeling incredibly powerful. Everything about the wolf was made for speed and power. Everything seemed perfect. Everything worked the way it should, muscles, easy breathing, a sharp awareness of everything around us without the effort of scrying.

The wolf was power. The wolf was perfect. Nothing bothered me this way, in the wild, no cold, no bad weather. If this was even remotely like what the wolf was to Raven, I now fully understood how he had been able to call the change wholeheartedly a gift.

And how he could be so terrified even supposing he might lose the power of shifting -

We ran, easily, side by side, long into the night. I had dreamed of this. In my sleep, in daydreams, I had longed for this. It was as good, better, than all I had imagined. I did not know how much time had passed during and after ashi'khair. It was still dark. Raven stopped, and so did I, breathing the mild night air deeply. It spoke of dry grasslands beyond the forest, of dust and on the whole, of summer. I felt tired now, as deeply exhausted as I thought I had never been before. For a moment, I seemed to hover between furred and unfurred perception of my body, losing balance when I tried to consciously adjust my bearing.

Raven turned from his survey of the land, moving back against me so I would not fall, and looked back at me worriedly 'Are you alright?'

I blinked, catching my balance again. Mind-speech now carried much clearer hints of the underlying mood. I sensed deep worry, even fear.

'Yes' I said 'I am…only tired. But not' I probed for the restless, nagging feeling 'I am not weary' I had never dared to hope I might be able to say something like that, ever. And here I was, a wolf – and knew I was free, truly free of the sea.

'Raven-' I stopped, unable to put anything I felt into words.

The black stood close, resting his head on my shoulders. It was strange, to stand here with Raven, to scent and feel him at the same time so sharply, four-legged, furred, and finally sharing in the wolf's undisturbed sense of one-ness with the land.

'He is gone' Raven whispered 'Sauron is gone. The land is free. You need not…fear its shadow anymore if you share in it'

'No' I dared to confirm that after a while. Carefully, I lay down, folding the wolf's legs with an unsettling mixture of familiarity and utter strangeness. We were in the middle of a meadow, and a wide, empty night-sky stretched above us. A high haze blanked out most of the stars. There was no cover here, and yet I did not feel exposed.

Am I still myself? I wondered, unable to decide if I felt terror or a certain cool detachment. I am not wolf either.

Raven flopped down beside me with the ease of being wolf 'You have shifted your shape' he said 'By the will of your fёa. Nothing else. And you are a magnificent wolf' The black looked at me, his eyes glittering in the darkness.

'Come' he nudged me after a while 'To the water. Look at yourself'

We trotted behind each other, Raven in the lead. A considerable time before I knew where the water was I scented it. It was a small pond, still in the night. The black skidded down into the hollow and drank. He looked back over his shoulder 'Come' he said 'Drink. Look'

It was as much Raven as the wolf who spoke. I hesitated, then descended the bank carefully.

And looked into the water.

The wolf that looked back at me was – once more, I failed to put a word to it. Paralyzed, I looked down at the still surface, the reality behind the reflection taking my breath away. Raven appeared beside me, a black shadow reflected in the water. I stared at the two wolves.

'You like what you see?' The black glanced at me slyly. After a moment, he turned and leaped up to the edge 'I know a place to sleep'

I cast a last glance at the reflection, then turned to leap and the power of the wolf's legs carried me easily to the top of the hollow. Slightly abashed I looked back down to the water.

The wolf was power. I would have to remember this.

Raven trotted a short distance through the forest and halted by a huge pine, the branches of which reached down to the ground. We crawled under them and found ourselves in a sheltered spot, the floor covered with dry pine needles. The black curled up around me 'Sleep. We can change tomorrow'

'How?' I asked uncertainly 'How will it work?'

'The same way back that we turned wolf' Raven was amused 'But it will be easier. And it will get easier with every time you change'

'Is that true? It…the change will be at my command…just like…?'

'Yes. We…have all the time we wish for whatever we – want to do. Feiran tan'ha asharai – ann laís annan' Raven added after a moment.

We can run as packmates – while the stars live. It sounded really good.

To my own surprise I actually fell asleep.

When I woke the black lay beside me, like so many times before. I looked at him for a long, weird moment before allowing my mind to acknowledge the events of the last day. I had expected apprehension or something equally deterring, but for now I only felt wild elation. The early morning was cool and smelled spicy, with a hint of dryness and heat already in it. Sleep seemed to have made my control of the wolf body much firmer, though the whole thing still remained unsettlingly strange. For a terrible moment, I feared it might be a one-time feat, something that would go back to normal once I changed back with Raven.

I stretched my muzzle towards the black, wanting to wake him but also sensing Raven's exhaustion. When I looked down, I saw my own legs, a wolf's legs. Yellow-red fur. To have no hands was frightening, in a way. To move like a wolf continuously told my brain I was moving wrong. But it was a glorious sensation, a glorious knowledge. I did not feel weary at all at the moment, rather as if I should jump up and run forever.

The black woke, stretching and yawning. I stared at the imposing fangs for a moment. Reminding myself that I, too, had such fangs now. I doubted I would ever become as skilled a hunter as the black, let alone manage to kill anything by actually using those fangs. But that did not matter at all. A world without sea – that was what counted.

'I do not want to change back'

'We need not. What do you want to do?'

'I don't know…' What did you do as wolf when you were not sleeping or hunting actually? I wanted to run.

'Then run we will. Bet you can't catch me'

'That's not fair!'

'But fun!'

I could catch the black, I found out after a while. That was not only satisfying, it was positively exulting. The black wolf's unconcerned demonstration of breakfast dampened my spirits a little. I watched the mice-hunt from a safe distance, as well as the black's short meal. The wolf's nose gave an unsettling immediacy to the scent of mouse and warm blood, and I definitely did not feel up to coping with that just now.

You are considering it, I realized with an involuntary shiver suddenly. You are truly considering it!

We spent the midday heat resting under a few bushes facing a wide meadow above which the air flickered, looking out across the piece of grassland. Towards dusk River joined us suddenly. The young wolf was grown up by now, but he had become more massive in the shoulders. He stumbled over his own legs trying to approach at a run and at the same time keep lower than me, almost crawling, and whining excitedly. Raven, careful not to irritate the excited lead wolf, ducked his head onto his forepaws and mentally prompted me to half-rise and accept River's appropriate submissive greeting. After that confirmation the wolf jumped on me in a frenzy of wild excitement, nipping and growling to rout me out for a game. Mercifully Raven intervened and did not give River a chance to let out his exuberant display of joy with me. Instead he himself pulled the pack leader out into the heat and wrapped him in a wild, snarling play. Occasionally, River would interrupt their tail-chases and bound back to me, licking my muzzle and emitting a high-pitched whine. More than being with the black this was disconcerting. River took things as they came, including Unfurred turning Furred. But to receive my ashk'nor's respects now directly wolf-to-wolf was a little frightening. I had no idea what the proper wolfish reaction should be except a certain measure of arrogance befitting the higher ranking. Always before, River had bestowed those tokens of respect on unfurred as the representative of a wolf.

Changewolves and wild wolves were different – I had been with the black and with River long enough to vouch for that. Yet to face the wild River as wolf suddenly…

'He will not cross any line he respects when you are unfurred' Raven read my unspoken worry when he paused in stumping the stronger but less cunning River into the ground 'Only remember when you play with him, nip back when he bites. Use those fangs of yours. That are the rules of play'

Play, kata, the Ashi'kha said. It put all conventions of rank and place out of force. In kata there were only equals. That was the implication of the Ashi'kha term, and it reflected a great deal of their way of seeing things – the hunt was a play, and chances of winning and losing were equal. Prey never was only prey – even a mouse's teeth could cut a wolf's muzzle most painfully. Wolf-clan distinguished between onakata, the play of hunter and prey, katarella, the play of words between friends and in discussions, and arancha'kata, what they translated as love-play. I closed my eyes briefly. My mind supplied information I considered very unimportant right now. When darkness fell, I started feeling really hungry. The black wisely refrained from offering me mice and lay down beside me, resting his head on my shoulders. River hovered near, but for once kept a distance.

'Ready?'

'I think so-'

Raven hesitated before calling the change 'Do you want me to lead once more?'

'Yes' I said quickly and with relief 'It is like I know where I want to go and what the place looks like, but the way there is all…twisted'

Raven was used to fling himself through the change in a second, both to minimize the time of vulnerability while he changed and to heighten the surprise-effect when he changed during a fight. It was an invaluable asset to be able to shift in an eye-blink after all.

This way, he had to take more time, and shift consciously. That was extremely disconcerting, even for him who was Ashi'kha. I was relieved.

We lay still for a moment as we came out of the change. Raven shifted his position slightly to hold me close 'Are you alright?'

'I…think so. Yes -'

River stood beside me looking down into my eyes. I dearly wished to know what was going on in the wolf's mind, but to ask 'what are you thinking?' was not a question the wolf would be able to answer. For the time being I was absurdly grateful Raven was taking time with his changewolf-business, remained where he was and did not let me go.

Without fur, everything seemed to be closer, with much more potential to hurt. Sensation of touch seemed too be heightened severely, the touch of naked skin unwonted and foreign for a moment.

'That fades with time' Raven assured me quietly 'It is like this when I change after being wolf for a very long time. Unfurred can be…frightening'

Macha'san. A soulbond was not there to deprive either part of identity or freedom. One could shield against the other. If we did not, it was like this. I shivered slightly, but this was Raven. No reason to doubt, or to fear. After all, it was two-sided.

'I seem to think it sometimes felt…wrong to you. Like, when you came to Imladris the first time'

"Yes" Raven confirmed quietly "Sometimes I thought I…I thought you were right and I should have stayed wolf"

"Well, I'm glad you didn't"

Raven smiled "Yes, so am I. Shouldn't we send River to fetch us something to eat?"

"Shouldn't we send him to fetch some clothes?"

"Why? It is warm, the grass is soft, and there are no ants"

I laughed softly. At least Unfurred could laugh. A wolf could not, not this way "Do you want to sleep out here again?"

"I am hungry! Let us go back to the camp"

"Like this!"

"Of course. This is-"

"Wolf-clan, I know" I sighed "Very well. Let's get it over with"

Raven held out a hand to pull me up, smirking a little.

"What are you grinning at?"

"Get up"

I took Raven's hand and got to my feet – and found myself clutching his shoulders to keep from stumbling "Whoa, curse it, what's that?"

"The reason why I was very glad to ride when I came to Imladris. Two-foot is a lot different from four-foot" Raven laughed as he steadied him until the ground stopped swaying "That also fades with time, though"

"Bastard. And you were waiting for this little performance"

"Of course. I can't let you fall, can I?"

We walked slowly through the night, River trotting beside us silently. It was not far to the camp, but we took our time.

"You" I decided after a while "are a very mean wolf"

The summer of this year was long and hot. There was little rain, and the grass lands and forests were dry. The Ashi'kha were worried, and kept constant patrols up to keep a wide range of land under their watch and, if possible, control. One stray Orc, one inattentive trader with a camp fire, and all their land would go up in flames.

So far, no one had even come near our territory. Autumn was now approaching, and the winds picked up. Finally one evening, welcomed by all, the first rain began to fall, driven across the land by rough winds. We returned from the last patrol at dusk, with the first drops of rain. To avoid the great cave we made for one of the smaller overhangs near the central summer camp which we had turned into our private lair. Thanks to Ashi'kha discretion, we were left completely alone when we retreated there. Which proved incredibly useful in every respect.

Raven changed as easily as pulling on or shaking off a garment, several times a day if he wished. I still came through the change shaking and with wobbly knees. At least I now needed Raven's guidance only to find the initial direction of the change. Once I had that, I could pull through alone.

It also continued to be a shock shifting from one mode of awareness to another. What the wolf lacked in colour and sometimes clearness of vision he made up by hearing and scent. I shook my head slightly, taking in the much brighter colours of the surrounding forest after the change back. Raven knelt behind me and took me in his arms.

"Well, Little Wolf?" he asked "Getting used to being Real, Big, Bad Wolf?"

"Really big, yes" I laughed "About the bad we can argue"

Raven snickered "About the bed?"

"Hm" I leaned against him "That also merits consideration"

"If it continues to rain, we'll have the worry of fire off our minds at least"

"So. Was that a threat?"

"A simple statement" Raven grinned and added "On further thought – take it as a promise"

"Well" I said much later that night "I see I will have to try hard if I don't want you to get much too far ahead of me in other things than the change"

Raven laughed softly "Is that so?"

"Hm. I'm working on it"

"See. We are not idle" Raven stretched comfortably.

"What are you working on?" I teased "The next Orc trap? Or your plans for the next patrol free night?"

"You" Raven snickered "I'll manage my plan, don't you think? Now that you can fur, I have doubly the chance"

I narrowed my eyes "I know your imagination knows no bounds, wolf. But I can't believe it works that dirty"

"Heavens" Raven burst out laughing "We had that in Lorien. But now that you mention it…that could be…interesting. We're wolf-clan here, after all. Ouch"

I cuffed his side soundly "Raven, you are-"

"A wolf, yes. Before you get into 'dirty', 'unbearable', 'impossible' and other niceties. And so are you, wolf, so do not bother. Actually, I was thinking of something else"

"Oh. Surprise. And what, if I may ask?" I put on my best now-I-am-really-intrigued-face, blocking Raven's half-hearted swing at my head.

"Mice" Raven said innocently "I am hungry. So I was thinking of mice. And I swear, I will get you to eat them one time. Toasted or not"

I roared "You little half-furred bastard. You will pay for that!"