Keeper of the Songs

Orocarni, 4th Age 17

Nightchaser's POV

„You looked for me on shin'a'sha?" Raven repeated incredulously. Unlike Kelehan he was aware what desperate measure that usually was. I nodded, once.

"I did not find you. But-" I paused, and then quietly described what had happened. I did not like recalling that particular experience, and had never spoken much about to anyone save Kelehan.

"Do you think it was the same…place?"

"I don't know" I said "Malanela did not let me think much, what I did, where I was. Kelehan was guarding me. He called me back"

Raven hesitated "You…reached that…place only under…malanela?"

"Of course. I did not know you knew how to use the herb"

Raven glanced at me, and I saw sudden understanding in his face "I had no malanela, Nightchaser"

Somehow, I had seen that answer coming, but still it took me a long while to digest it "How did you do it?"

Raven shrugged "I begged a tree to watch for me and went into full trance"

Again, I remained silent. Full trance. In a state that would have required him to relive every second of his brother's death before he even came so far as to manage a trance. Using malanela was something I would never do willingly if my place as shaman did not demand it sometimes. Raven had never spoken to me of Niy'ashi's death either. I had told him what I had seen in the hawk-dream, and he had confirmed it, but he never, never mentioned his own feelings or memories in so many words.

"Could you show me that place?" I said.

He looked at me, more startled it seemed that the shaman would ask him than horrified of the idea of going back. That only came a moment later.

"I can only get there under malanela" I said "You managed on your own. And you had no one to call you back. I want to know if it's the same place"

I was not sure if I really wanted this, or if I only tested Raven. He shook his head "I do not want to go back there, ever. It was the wolf who saved me"

The wolf again. I watched him, who sat avoiding my gaze, his own eyes narrowed against the bright sunlight of morning. It was dangerous to command him. He would obey, once. And then try to avoid further contact with the one who had ordered him so as not to get into a similar situation again. He had danced the Hawk Dance with me, because it had been the right thing. The Way. But our former closeness had made it harder, much harder to take our respective parts in the dance. As shaman, but more even as the one who danced the hawk, I had to play the part of the hawk. I had to ask the raven to let go what was gone, to give it to me to fly away with. That was the dance. The Way. But it had affected us outside and after the dance. Raven had retreated from me, not completely, but perceptibly. Of course he knew that we had taken the birds parts and his distancing from me was not a result of confusing the hawk-dancer's task with myself. Still, that distance had held all the time in Imladris, and for a long while when he and Gildor had come back here, to Wolf Clan. Only gradually, and finally after ashi'khair he let down his guard towards me. He agreed to remain Keeper of the Songs, he visited me again, was willing to learn things I had not taught him before. The two brothers had spent much time with me before they had left as far-scouts, and all the time I had hoped one of them would be willing to take my place should I ever be unable to hold my position as shaman. Niy'ashi would have, but he was dead now. And though he was there when I needed help, Raven still refused to become khai'noch. The one time I had been more vehement in my insistence he had become so angry that I knew it had been a very big mistake. He felt, or maybe told himself, that he was now asked to take a position that rightfully and correctly would have belonged to Niy'ashi.

"I ask you in the old tongue" I said carefully "Would you do it again if someone begged you?"

"No" Raven said. We sat still for a while until he spoke again "I have done this once. Because I did not know what awaited me. I know no answer as to where, how, and what the right reaction would have been. It was a place where the…hawk does not come. We are not supposed to go there. What do you want there? There is nothing we could ever want to find"

"Maybe not" I said finally "I do not know what it is, where it is. But it is accessible"

"You can jump from any cliff you want, of course" Raven said dryly.

A place where the hawk does not come. He had said this without knowing the effects of malanela, without knowing how to leave the shadow-paths. Without ever having sought the shadow-paths on his own before. He had not known what he did, and yet he knew what had happened. I looked at him.

"…Let me correct what I said" Raven said after a while "I…I am whole now, Nightchaser. Maybe stronger. I would do that if one of the clan asked me for a good reason. But no more"

There was truth in his words, the truth I had hoped for but never managed to make him see. "Come with me a moment" I asked him and got up. Raven rose as well, hesitatingly. Since ashi'khair, a good three sun-courses ago, he had changed very much. Saka'nor had become a close friend to him through the times they had spent together as Keepers of the Songs. He, the singer who kept the melodies and rhythms and their meanings had learned the words of the old tales and songs from Raven who steadfastly refused to sing. Together, they made a whole that would never have been possible had he and Gildor not managed ashi'khair. Raven was no longer as I remembered him being Niy'ashi's brother, but now he had found a new kind of peace. Before, he had been of the clan, and yet no longer a member. I had realized that when coming to Imladris. Still, the only difference I saw if Niy'ashi had become khai'noch was that he would have gone about that with confidence, and willingly. I often thought about this. It haunted me. There was no one in Wolf Clan right now who could have been khai'noch, and moose did not care if the wolf attacking them might be needed by his pack. What if something happened to me? And here was Raven, as perfect in my eyes a candidate as could be to secure that wolf clan would continue to have a shaman, and he backed off. Niy'ashi had been confident, he argued, Niy'ashi had known how to deal with people. In fact, he had enjoyed being in company. None of that applied to Raven, I had to agree to that – but that was just what made me more secure he was also a right choice. The worst thing next to an overconfident healer was a self-assured shaman. Raven, I could swear, would never make the conscious or unconscious mistake of overestimating himself or underestimating people. He accused me of nosiness, of pushing too far often enough. Though he was thrice as impatient as I, I knew if ever he would act as khai'noch he would do it better than I. I just could not make him belief. When I was gone hunting or gathering herbs alone and Raven kept my place very few of the clan waited for my return if they needed any service, but went to Raven instead. And he dealt with it well. Maybe I should leave it at that, that he freely did what I could not bind him to. He had always been adamant in what he consented to do and what he refused. I did could not talk him into this, I could never force him. I could only try and see what happened if I showed him.

We went out from the camp and towards the high cliffs, climbing the hidden hand-holds up to the flat, grass-grown top. This was one of the places I went for calling the hawk. I needed not always do an actual calling, but today, as often, there was a hawk circling above the land, a bright speck in the blue sky. Raven, less familiar with the handholds, came after me. When he came here, he crossed the pine-covered top of the cliff and went down a steep path to the side, into the forest, as wolf. He followed my pointing finger as we stood near the edge of the cliff, the pines at our back. The sky was deep blue, a strong breeze rushed in the boughs, and the sunlight was so bright everything seemed outlined in black and clear-cut.

"Cha-i" I said "That is the word"

He looked at me, taking a step back without noticing.

"No, Nightchaser"

"Raven, I know you will not become khai'noch. Not yet, maybe not ever. But I want to know if you have the power of calling him"

"What would it change?" he demanded "This is too close, Nightchaser. I am not for this"

"You" I said, taking a step towards him "already do three quarter of what I do as well. You are perfectly capable of it and more. You told me there is no hawk beyond the shadow-path. No one, no one who has not been there and did not know what the hawk feels like could have told me that"

I took another step forward and Raven backed up again. He reached the edge and froze "Nightchaser" he snarled "I do not know of the hawk!"

"Cha-i" I repeated "You know the name now"

Raven shook his head, then looked back at the circling bird. I stepped back and let him come on to former ground again. He was furious. Did not show it very much. I could not say if he did this out of defiance finally, if he trusted me, or if he obeyed an order I had indirectly given. He did not move forward with confidence, rather like someone expecting failure. He turned away from me. Looked up to the circling bird.

"Cha-i" he called softly "I am asked to call you. Cha-i"

The hawk had come to me so often, in dreams, on the shadow-paths, as a living bird, but I always felt elation and deep gratitude when the wild hawk answered my call. I felt it even more now as the bird wheeled into a stooping dive towards Raven. He had not even raised his arm for the bird to land, and now did so in surprise, more to protect himself. The hawk hit his arm from below and gripped tight with sharp talons, flapping great wings to stay upright. Raven lowered his arm a little, and the hawk righted himself, once raising and slicking his feathers down again, keeping his wings slightly opened to balance. Raven stared at the bird, then at me.

"What-?"

"Khai'noch" I said "You called him, Kela'shin"

Raven stared at the bird for a long, long while. The hawk stared back at him, round and sharp eyes glittering in the sunlight. He opened his beak and gave a thin, soft but piercing call, once.

"I am…a raven, Onakir. I cannot fly higher than my wings carry me" Raven whispered finally.

"It is the Hawk's wings that would carry you" I said "This world is a dream. A raven's dream. Death is only a raven's dream. As long as the raven dreams, this world lives. But he, the hawk, he flies in and out of this dream"

So the old songs said. The raven was dreaming the world. Raven raised his hand slowly and touched the hawk's breast feathers lightly.

"And you think I can leave my own dream?" he asked gently "What happens when the raven ceases to dream? What happens when the raven dies?"

I took his arm on which he carried the hawk. The bird shifted, and placed one taloned foot on the back of my hand.

"Then the world stops" I said "Of all things, the raven will die last. And when he does, the hawk will fly with him to where there is no death"

Raven moved slightly, causing the hawk to step on my arm wholly. He looked away over the bright lands for a moment, then back at the hawk. After a long while he nodded "Very well, Onakir. I will do this. If ever there is need, I will be khai'noch. But no sooner"

On my arm, the hawk spread his wings a little, turning. I boosted him up, and he took off, sailing out over the cliff. I could not read Raven's face, his eyes, none of his final motives. He met my gaze "You think a raven is a worthy companion for a hawk then, here?"

The hawk had soared high up again, circling above us. Tension I had not known had been there suddenly left me, and my heart lifted with the hawk's flight. Things that had been suspended were completed now. The circle was whole and could turn around again.

"I do think that" I said "I do think that very much"

Chapter Notes:

Malanela: "deep sleep", an Ashi'kha herb