The dream

Orocarni, 4th Age 17

Gildor's POV

Ravens circled before the cliffs. High, white cliffs, and the birds' shadows flitted across the rocky surface like bizarre black creatures. In both directions, the cliffs went on and the sea washed over their feet. A faint, thundering and sucking sound when then water surged into caves at the edge, and retreated again. The land beyond was green, and in the far distance high mountains rose. The highest peak vanished in the clouds halfway up its height.

I knew this place. My dream-self surveyed the scene, half expecting the familiar presence of Altariel's fea. Or Altariel herself. She would surely have a thing to say to me now.

But I was alone, and was left alone. The land lay under a bright glow, though the sky was pearly and I could see no sun. In the distance, near the mountains, a large bird circled leisurely. Otherwise the sky was empty. I stood near the cliffs, on thick green grass that waved slowly in a cool breeze from the sea. I could hear the waves far below, the occasional croak of a raven, the wail of a gull. There was a wide, shallow valley before me, bordered by a forest of what looked like beeches and oaks. Tall, ancient trees with gnarled and thick trunks, the like of which I knew no longer existed in Middle-earth except maybe in wolf-clan's farthest territory. There was speck of light moving between the trees that caught my attention. But the moment I looked, the light seemed to vanish, and I saw that it was a horse with a rider. They came out of the trees at a gallop, and tore into the plain. The horse's mane and tail flowed in the wind of its speed, and so did the rider's unbound hairs. They seemed to be the only thing moving in this land, except that I could hear the surf down below and knew the sea had not frozen into stillness. I stared, transfixed, caught between the wish to flee this dream and the desire to wait it out to the end. I knew what was coming, and still could not believe it. A dream, a cruel dream, to show me once more what could never be-

Horse and rider vanished in the valley, for a moment out of my sight. But this time it was different. I heard the hoof-beats, coming closer, and then the horse crested the rise and came level with me. It slowed, tossing its head, and came towards me at a measured walk.

I took a step forward, feeling my throat close.

"Faire -"

'Yes' Her mind-voice. Just as I remembered. Bright glowing and serene, filling my mind with warmth. But in my dreams, she had never spoken, and I had only been able to watch.

'I am here' she confirmed, her eyes glittering 'And not alone'

Slowly, I raised my eyes to her rider, my heart thundering so hard I thought it must burst. I looked up finally – and into Silmarusse's face. My breath caught, and my knees went weak.

The dead did not ride in the western land, not even in dreams.

We looked at each other for indeterminate time. I saw my shock mirrored in her face for a moment. No one spoke, and only the wind rushed in the grasses. Silmarusse slipped from Faire's bare back and stood beside her. And then she smiled, a broad grin I remembered so well "You are incredible" she said "Oh flames, I wish you could have seen their faces"

I knew I gaped at her. I looked at Faire, and back to Silmarusse.

"This – is not the Olore malle"

"No" Silmarusse said easily "This is better. And you remember: if something's good, don't ask where it comes from" She gestured slightly, directing my gaze to the eagle circling far away. I shot a look at the telltale speck in the far sky. "This is all I could do. I asked a favour"

Then she grew grave, taking a step towards me "But this is no way of communication for the living. Our time like this is measured"

"Like what?" I asked faintly, unable to put sense to her words, resisting both the urge to either turn and flee or to reach out for her.

"Like this" she took my hands and gently pulled me towards her, kissing me. I could taste her, feel her warmth and her breath on my face.

"You are not dead" I whispered when we parted, looking down at our joined hands.

"Not anymore" her eyes rested on my face, and I could not say what she felt, could not even say what I felt.

"But neither am I part of your world any longer" She paused, looking towards the mountains in the distance for a moment. "That is why our lady here was called back. She was your companion while you needed her, and now she is mine again"

I let go of her hand to touch her face lightly, then embraced her again, half expecting her to fade from my arms. She held on to me hard, and after a moment Faire laid her head on our shoulders, enveloping us with soft grey mane and horse-scent.

Silmarusse drew a deep breath "You must go back. Listen to me, Gildor. All is well. We did it all right. All we did. I am fine, and I will be fine. I won't be alone. And neither will you be" Her hands were cool on my face "Go back now, wolf. Before they send you"

She smiled crookedly "I daresay we'll see each other now and then, though. Even if this was special"

"Silmarusse-" I swallowed, feeling foolish but unable to calm the turmoil of emotions swirling inside myself.

"Fare free, Brother Wolf. You paid a great price to gain what you have now" Now she smiled in earnest "And damn, I am glad you came here without fur, though"

I felt my insides do a wrenching leap "You know? How?"

"Oh we know alright" She was delighted. Faire had stepped back, and the warmth of her large body vanished. Silmarusse held on to me, though, and craned her head a little to look into my eyes "Your clan's shaman will also want to know this: sometimes, there is little difference between a hawk and an eagle. And sometimes, there is even none"

I could not bear to look into her eyes longer. Instead, I bowed my head and buried my face against her chest, in her silvery hair "I will tell him, then"

She chuckled,but when she spoke, it was soft and urgent "We did not want to bind ourselves so long ago. And still you feel you cannot be whole without me. But you must, and you can, and I know it. We both can. I have a horse, and you a raven. Know that I am whole, and want to be where I am, Gildor. Let me go. You must rely on the wolf when you go back where you came from" Her hands tightened on my shoulders "I ask you again, be able to laugh when you think of me. And I can promise you now, I will be able to do the same. Right?"

I looked up slowly, scanned her face. All the centuries I had lived, all the memories we had shared, seemed to replay themselves until now. I touched her face tenderly, then looked at Faire. Her mind brushed against mine, gently.

'She is right'

She was right. If I knew these two were together and whole, then so could I be. Even if it hurt. This was the price to pay for our ancient unbinding vow – but it could have been a lot worse. It could have ended a lot worse.

"I promise" I said finally, and Silmarusse smiled. "Maybe the Valar are fair after all, Gildor" She glanced at the still circling eagle again, and I followed her line of sight thoughtfully "And now you must really go" She laughed "Go! Go hunt!"

The pearly light grew brighter, dense as fog. Faire and she vanished from sight.

"Silmarusse!" There was so much I should say yet –

There was only pearly light, which darkened to night as I seemed to fall through it. The sound of the sea drifted away into a soft rushing. Small bright flecks of light seemed to fly across my vision and something heavy settled on me –

"Bah!" I woke with a start and a yelp. River was half leaning against me, half lying on my chest, and drew a long warm tongue across my face. Sunlight rippled through the yellowing canopy of ash trees swaying in a strong mountain breeze, and the forest floor underneath me smelled of moist leaves and mushrooms.

"River!" I sat up, intending to push the wolf away, but then pulled him close instead, pressing my face into River's thick ruff "Gods". The wolf bumped into me, emitting a soft whine.

'Come. Eat. We killed'

"You always kill. What, hm? Tell me what"

River flattened his ears 'Boar'

"Boar!" I paused in rummaging through my bedding, looking for a shirt "How many were you?"

River looked at me blankly. Wild wolves did not count in numbers and figures had no scent. He gave me a mental picture of the hunters, though. He, two others of the pack, and the black. "Sometimes I think I know why your pack is always in danger of extinction" I muttered under my breath. Four wolves against a boar. Madness. I found a shirt but before I could pull it over my head River had it between his teeth and looked at me reproachfully.

"Oh" I slowly lowered my end of the shirt. I should have thought, shouldn't I? No – I shouldn't have needed to think. I tossed the garment down and took a deep breath. To change without Raven giving me some direction was hard work.

"And you don't stare" I told River "You were born furred, grey-snout"

River led me towards the catch eagerly, trotting through the sun-flecked forest at a brisk walk. We came out of the ash trees and threaded a path along the cliffs. A few high pines grew here. They bore thick cones by now – this was a favourite place of the wolves, sunny and windy, but they mainly appreciated the squirrels that gathered here. River glanced up into the pines speculatively, but saw and scented nothing of interest. Before we struck the deer-trail into the valley there was a rustle in the top of the highest pine, and a large eagle dropped out of the wide branches. He sailed out over the cliff and caught the rising air-currents there, spiralling upward and away. We both stopped in surprise. Eagles hardly ever came into these mountains. River cast a futile glance around, suspecting an old kill the bird had raided. I knew better. As wolf, I could not see as far as unfurred, and I had lost sight of the eagle already.

River sniffed, thinking of their boar 'Not our kill. Wrong direction. Won't interfere'

Had I not been wolf, I would have smiled. No, River was right. The eagle would not interfere. They took a damn long time to interfere in the first place.

River trotted forward briskly, his tail held high in expectation. We left the ridge behind, and descended into shadowy forest again. The faint scent of boar and fresh blood wafted towards us on the breeze.

But eagle and hawk - Yes, Nightchaser would like to hear this choice bit of information. All wolf-clan would.