Disclaimer: Unfortunately the characters still don't belong to me; they are property of J. K. Rowling :). I have only borrowed them to create this unpretentious plot ;).
Summary:
Remus put a barrier between Tonks and himself and now she is enduring her pain alone so she decides to talk to Molly. But what if, instead of Mrs. Weasley, she meets someone else at the Burrow? The first part of this chapter is, once again, from Tonks' POV and the second from Remus'. Please read and enjoy ;).
A Bit Of His Past
By: She-Elfgirl
Chapter V
A Rainbow Fading in the Dusk
Tonks woke up that morning feeling as miserable as she always felt lately. She had only seen Remus twice at the Burrow after their talk in her house almost two weeks ago and he had barely spoken to her. Tonks sighed unhappily and left her bed heading to the bathroom to look at her own image in the mirror. The strange girl that was staring at her from the glass did not surprise her. She was thinner and looked older than she was, after all she wasn't eating nor sleeping well these days. But the worst of all was her hair… it was still mousy brown.
"Look at my hair!" murmured Tonks to herself grabbing a lock and studying it. She then squinted her eyes using all her mental strength to change the colour of her hair, but nothing happened, not even a little shade appeared. "It's so dull, what can I do to change it?" she finished her voice trembling and she felt renewed tears prickle in her eyes.
It had happened in the morning right after their discussion, Tonks had woken up with her boring colour of hair; she had tried desperately to change its colour ever since but it was useless. And it wasn't only her hair; at first she had started to have difficulties in changing her features but now she was really incapable of metamorphosing herself. She still had most of her powers but she could no longer change her appearance.
Why was this happening to her of all people, she had never failed a metamorphism before and, as clumsy as she was with anything else, she had always been quite good at magic? The only explanation she could come up with is that it was her disappointment and grieving in not being able to have Remus.
Tonks sat back on her bed and hugged her knees crying silently. She couldn't hold back the tears anymore, in less than a month she had lost her cousin, the man she loved, her most precious powers and consequently a good part of her self-confidence. This wasn't fair, she hadn't done anything wrong, she wasn't a bad person; and she had done everything to convince Remus to be with her, she… she… Tonks had never felt so sad, so disgruntled, so… defeated. She started sobbing clutching her knees in a fierce attempt to ease the pain. She loved him so much and his words had caused her to feel worse than she had ever felt in her life.
Tonks looked at her closed window, the air was misty outside because of the Dementor activity. When Voldemort had gotten back to his full strength assuming his return he had unleashed the Dementors and they were everywhere disseminating despair and unhappiness. Tonks remained there feeling the tears running freely down her cheeks for a long while. She had been crying a lot lately and she had never been one to cry. It had been like this ever since their argument. She had cried so much when he had left that day, so much. She knew he loved her and would never make her suffer deliberately. She also knew that he thought this was the best for her but she had never felt such excruciating pain. With all his protection Remus was making her suffer more than anyone had ever done.
Tonks was aware that she had been bold when she had told him exactly how she felt; when she had forced him to see the truth; when she had tried to make him decide for a relationship… when she had kissed him. But she wouldn't regret it. Remus was the man she loved and she needed him by her side. Why did he have to be so stubborn? Why wouldn't he just give in? Why in the world did he have to keep insisting in all of that nonsense… all of those reasons that he considered convincing for not being with her?
Tonks had felt so much angst back then and she had screamed at him of course, she thought unashamed. She had earned that right, hadn't she? After all she had never felt so frustrated in her life than when Remus had told her that they couldn't be together. When he had left she barely remembered having tumbled to the sofa, covering her face with her trembling hands and crying all her bitter tears. She had felt so bad; she had suffered so much; she had felt so… lost and cold and hopeless.
Tonks started to sob uncontrollably, she felt so lonely. She couldn't help but wonder where he might be and in what conditions, she hadn't heard news from him for several days. After the day of their discussion Remus had found an easy way out in his work. She knew he had been amongst the Werewolves again. Moody had informed her because Remus had left without even saying goodbye.
She was so worried about him, about his safety. If Greyback discovered what he was trying to do, spying among Werewolves to turn them against him, he would be furious. Tonks knew that Remus was so much a better wizard than that hideous Fenrir Greyback, but he was a treacherous Death Eater and the other Werewolves were still by his side… She couldn't help but worry about what could happen to her love if the Werewolves decided against him.
She wanted so much to be there by his side fighting against Greyback. But Remus had decided to push her away from his life and it seemed there would be no turning back. He had been so cold and distant the last times they had talked to each other and it had broken her heart into a million tiny pieces. Tonks had actually started to question herself about many things. Why would Remus want to be with her, even if he loved her? She was all fingers and thumbs and only caused chaos around her, she thought miserably; she couldn't even metamorphose herself anymore, she was completely useless.
Tonks shook her head vehemently. She had always been self-assured, she had always faced her problems bravely and that wasn't about to change just because the man she loved wasn't able to understand that they were meant for each other. She was trying to convince herself but she was still sobbing miserably. It wasn't a very easy thing to do, being confident without having a hint of hope.
And the worst of all was that she knew he loved her as much as she loved him. It would be so much easier if she knew he didn't love her, at least he would have a real reason for letting her down and the grief would be easier to bear; but this way… Yes he was older than her but that was one of the things that had captivated her the most ever since the beginning; He wasn't rich but she didn't care about it, never did; and what about if he was a Werewolf?
Of course she knew he only wanted to protect her but this was so unfair for them both, why wouldn't he perceive that? Besides she didn't need his protection, Tonks thought proudly. She was a good Auror, capable of defending herself and he knew it, he had chosen her for a member of the Order of the Phoenix. Furthermore he would always find a place to hide during the full moon, there was no risk and there was still Wolfsbane. And, most importantly, she trusted him and she honestly didn't care about his condition, Werewolf or not he was still Remus Lupin, the kindest and most gentle man she had ever met.
As valid as his reasons were for himself she didn't agree with them and never would. Why was he putting so much effort in keeping her away from his emotional life? Why was he so alone? He didn't deserve that; he didn't need to do that. She then remembered when she had done her first important task for the Order of the Phoenix, to escort Harry from the Dursleys to the Headquarters. That day Molly had said some things that had made her attachment to Remus grow even stronger.
FlashbackTonks was stealing glances towards Remus. He was giving instructions to Hestia Jones and Dedalus Diggle about their mission that night. She couldn't help but notice how incredibly handsome he was and how his serious expression made him look even more attractive then usually. He was still very young although he appeared to be ill and tired given to his constant transformations into a Werewolf. His greyinghair, his old and tattered clothing, everything about him remembered her of how brave he was for enduring so many adversities. And she felt incredibly attracted to him, and not only attracted, she cared about him, a lot more than just a friend would do, she thought with a half-smile.
She had liked him instantly, of course, he was a nice man, kind, handsome and he helped her joining the Order of the Phoenix; and she felt totally fascinated by the fact that he had been a member of the Order for so long… she sighed softly. Tonks knew she had been quite obvious in her attraction to him on their first meeting but the fact was that she was too frank, she liked him and wanted him to know about that. But she also wanted to make a good impression of herself so she had decided to withdraw a bit more so as not to sound too involved; after all he wasn't any foolish boy and he might not be receptive to her.
That same night they would be setting Harry free from the Muggle house of his relatives. This was her first really important mission to the Order of the Phoenix, rescuing Harry Potter from the Dursleys' home and she was very eager to prove herself. Besides Remus was a friend of Harry and was so worried about him, which made her feel even more anxious to help the boy. And moreover, this way she would get to know Harry Potter sooner.
Poor boy, she thought sadly; Harry had been locked up with his aunt and uncle for several days after fighting some Dementors and receiving a letter from the Ministry that put him at risk of being expelled from school. And he of all people who, she had grown up believing, was the kid who had saved them all from Voldemort.
Harry must had been very frustrated, ecspecially because none of his friends had been allowed to give him any explanation about what had been happening in the Wizarding world in the past days. She would be too if it had happened to her.
Her thoughts returned quickly to Remus. As soon as they had resolved that they were going to pick Harry, Remus decided to go in the mission, because he knew the boy quite well, and started to organize everything. Tonks was the first to offer to accompany him but she barely had time to say she wanted to go because he had already chosen her for the task, giving her the opportunity that she needed to really affirm herself inside the Order of the Phoenix. Tonks had quite appreciated his gesture, though it was a professional one of course. She knew he wouldn't have chosen her if he didn't honestly believe in her qualities, and she had been very proud of herself especially because he was a member of the Old Crowd and therefore much more experienced than her in the fight against Voldemort.
They were now at GrimmauldPlace waiting to leave while they arranged the last details. Nothing could go wrong and they had to certify themselves that they would not be intercepted or followed by Death Eaters.
"I'm so worried about Harry!" Tonks jumped slightly when a voice spoke up from by her side. She had been admiring Remus so intently that she hadn't heard the steps approaching. She looked in confusion at Molly and watched as the woman's eyes travelled from her face to Remus with a brief smile of understanding "He is very handsome, isn't he?" asked Molly after a brief pause as if distracted but she was examining Tonks closely and she knew that her friend was truly interested in the subject. "Remus that is."
"Very!" answered Tonks as lightly as she could manage. She had never been shy but the beats of her heart increased suddenly at her own admission. She couldn't show insecurity or Molly would suspect her even more, so she gathered all her courage and continued with a soft smile "And not only is he handsome, he is also a great person."
"… And the best of it is that he is available!" continued Molly tentatively looking sideways at Tonks and her heart skipped a beat in anticipation "And if you want to know my opinion a girlfriend would do him very good."
"Do you think he's got someone in mind?" asked Tonks calmly after a studied pause; but she was biting her lower lip worriedly and Molly smiled knowingly.
"He's a loner, you know?" she said laughing brightly at the nervous expression on Tonks' face when she did not answer her question directly. "But he shouldn't be, he is such a good man, good-looking, charming… don't you think dear?"
"Absolutely!" answered Tonks a little breathless "I always said that." She finished watching Remus tenderly; he was now talking to Moody, a determined yet soft expression on his handsome features. She was feeling somehow relieved because Molly hadn't mentioned Remus having any love interest towards any other woman.
"He has been alone for so long now and I really think he needs a girlfriend but not just any girl…" continued Molly fiddling with the sleeves of her robes all the while looking at Remus. She furrowed her eyebrows worriedly and then watched Tonks again with a soft smile, "He really needs someone to take care of him, to love him no matter how many problems he has due to being a Werewolf. What he truly needs is a nice, brave, young lady to bring joy to his life… You aren't interested, are you dear?" asked Molly suddenly, an anxious tone in her voice.
"Wwell…" mumbled Tonks and she paused uncertain of how to respond to that unexpected question without compromising herself too much.
"So are you interested or not?" persisted Molly, her obvious curiosity softened by an amused smile.
"Which girl wouldn't be?" answered Tonks evenly but she couldn't avoid a brief sigh. In lack of a subterfuge she had decided to tell the truth and she was still half-dreaming about Remus when Molly interrupted her thoughts abruptly.
"Then what are you waiting for?" she asked happily.
"Oh, Molly, do you really think that he would look at me?" asked Tonks, her heartbeat accelerated in hope. Molly stared at her thoughtfully for a brief while.
"Well to tell you the truth I think that he…"Time to go!" said Remus loudly, interrupting their conversation while approaching them hurriedly.
"Yes, yes, you go then…" agreed Molly ushering Tonks for she was still waiting for her answer. "I'm so worried about Harry, poor, poor boy."
"But Molly…" started Tonks anxiously but Mrs. Weasley didn't listen to her for she was already leaving the room.
"You all have fun without me!" said Sirius begrudgingly. He was clearly upset that he had to stay behind "And bring Harry back to me in one piece!"
"I still think I could go!" said Ron to Lupin who smiled warmly at the young Weasley.
"You know you can't go, only the members of the Order can!" he told him half-amusedly.
"I wish we could go with you." said Hermione gazing worriedly at Tonks "Take care of Harry for me, all right?"
"Ha… yes!" she answered distractedly.
"I'm sure you're going to like him, Harry is very nice." added Ginny knowingly.
"We must go right now!" informed Moody harshly "There is no time to waste."
Tonks left Grimmauld Place with the others but she was only thinking about what Molly would have to say; she had been interrupted and didn't have the chance to finish her precious sentence, leaving her curious and very anxious. Molly had apparently forgotten their issue in the light of what was happening but Tonks hadn't. Could Remus possibly be… interested in her? Why did he have to interrupt Molly right when she was going to talk about his feelings? She thought with frustration but feeling hopeful all the same.
Tonks walked by Remus' side while they were searching for a de-apparating point and she was giving him covert glances. He hadn't shown any emotional interest in her yet, but he was ever so nice, more than nice actually, he was warm and kind and made her feel useful and appreciated. Yet she felt a little insecure around him, he was so much more intelligent than herself, so much more powerful and experienced.
Tonks was anxious to ask him some questions now. She used to ask him all about himself but tried not to sound very eager, she didn't want him to feel awkward around her. Right then she really wanted to know if he liked somebody and, most importantly, if he could possibly like her. When she was about to ask him something to break the silence she understood that they had arrived to the de-apparating place and kept her mouth closed.
The first thing she noticed when they apparated to number 4 Private Drive was that it was dark and silent inside the house. Tonks took a step forward but Remus closed his hand around her wrist to stop her from making any noise before he could certify for himself that the house was empty. Any other person and she would have protested vehemently but this was Remus Lupin and when he touched her she felt a jolt of electricity run through her arm from the wrist where his hand still lingered. She had never felt this way; only he made her feel like this, ever since their first touch in the Ministry at the beginning of summer.
She looked up at him earnestly, forgotten about the indignation of having been stopped. Just then he looked back at her and freed her nonchalantly but she believed to recognize a hint of embarrassment or something close to that in his soft eyes.
"They are not here!" assured Tonks after clearing her throat discretely as she opened a cupboard a little interested. "The Dursleys received my letter so they must be very far away now and… oops!" with a crackling noise a dish shattered on the floor of the kitchen because she had hit it in her frenetic gestures. "Oh, sorry!" she asked looking apologetically at Remus but he smiled warmly at her and she felt relieved. Only Moody appeared to be upset with her, nobody else seemed to have given much importance since they were all used to her clumsiness.
"Nevermind the dish!" said Remus still smiling openly at her "I'll fix it for you!" with a simple gesture of his wand the dish was in one piece again and Tonks laughed feeling all of a sudden very well. He was so warm, patient and gentle with her; she had never met anyone like him… and she had never been so caught-up by anyone before, she told herself with an inward smile.
Everybody was talking out loud now about the Dursleys' house but Remus started immediately searching for Harry.
"You know, I don't like these Muggles… these Dursleys, but Muggles are not all like this." said Tonks grabbing Remus' arm to call his attention and relishing in the sensations that that simple gesture had brought to her. "You know, although my mother is a pure-blooded Witch my father is a Muggle-born, and my Muggle Grandparents were cool."
"You don't have to apologize over Muggles, I'm halfblooded too." said Remus enthusiastically, understanding exactly what she had meant.
"Really?"
"Well most of us are actually, aren't we? And there's the good and the bad amongst Muggles just as amongst Wizards." Tonks smiled relieved and happy because she knew another thing about this charming man. The more she knew about him the more she liked him; it was inevitable.
Remus and Tonks kept walking through the house searching for Harry with the others behind them until they passed the hall and started up the stairs.
"He must be in one of this rooms." said Remus and only then Tonks realized she was still holding his arm and released him in order to let him use his wand. With a serious expression that didn't let her know if he had taken notice of her rushed gesture, Remus tried the doors at the top of the stairs. "Look this one seems to be locked; probably it's Harry's room and he must be in there." He supposed looking briefly at Tonks.
"Don't tell me that they have left him locked in his room!" she said absolutely scandalized. That would be an inhumanity she couldn't even begin to imagine.
"Well I guess they actually did." answered Remus gloomily as he unlocked the said door with is wand. Tonks couldn't help but admire his attitude he was, as always, extremely calm and unperturbed. It was unnerving how he could be so under-controlled even in a stressful situation.
As the door opened slowly they all waited in silence, Tonks was really expectant to see Harry Potter for the first time. She had heard so much about him, the boy who had saved the world so many years ago; and Remus seemed to really have him in high regard.
Suddenly a shadow appeared at the top of the stairs and a boy, certainly Harry himself, showed at the frame with his wand at the ready. Auror reflexes, thought Tonks somehow amused, the boy would be a great Auror and very useful to the Order of the Phoenix in the future, she was sure about it. She wanted to see how he was like but the hall was gloomy and she and all the others who haven't met him, or barely have talked to him stared fixed at Harry's obscured features.
"Low your wand, boy, before you take someone's eye out!" said Moody in his hoarse voice. Harry seemed to show some acknowledgement but he didn't low his wand nevertheless and Tonks would have really found it a little amusing if the boy had hit Mad-Eye with a nice 'rictusempra spell'. Moody was actually in need of a good laugh, besides maybe that way he would be a little less paranoid.
"Professor Moody?" asked Harry seeming unsure and a little shift from Remus told Tonks that this was in fact the boy; The Boy who lived.
"I don't know if you can call me professor" howled Moody "I didn't have get the chance to teach a lot, did I? Now come down here we want to see you properly. Harry lowered his wand slowly but didn't move from his spot.
Tonks knew from Remus that Moody was supposed to have taught Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. But he had been attacked by Barty Crouch Jr who had stole his place, using Polyjuice Potion, and had tried to kill Harry; so it was quite natural that the boy was suspicious of Moody. Not mentioning that nothing in her colleague inspired trust, always with all those suspicions and obsessions, he seemed to be crazy. Deep inside he was a good person but…
"It's all right, Harry. We are here to take you with us." said Remus with his quiet voice a little hoarse and she felt a nice shiver running through her. The change in Harry's attitude was obvious.
"Pprofessor Lupin?" he asked incredulously as he obviously recognized Remus' voice "Is that you?" Tonks felt so proud of Remus right then, he had the respect and belief of no other than Harry Potter. But the boy should really like him and follow him; Remus was a natural leader and mentor though he wouldn't ever believe that he could be that important to people around him.
"Why are we all here in the dark?" asked Tonks for she was getting impatient to see Harry's face. He didn't move nor did he show any particular sign at her voice because he obviously didn't know her. "Lumos" she declared. The tip of her wand illuminated the hall with a magical light. Then she turned her attention to Harry. He was there, on the top of the stairs looking at them, blinking because of the sudden light.
The Members of the Order were all joined together on the stairs observing the boy intently and Tonks was one of the most interested of course. She was only a little girl when the Potters had died so she had grown up hearing about this boy. They haven't met at school so she knew nothing about him apart from what she had heard from Remus, Molly and his friends; or what she had read about him in the newspapers, nothing flattering in the last weeks to tell the truth. And now there he was, black hair, green eyes, thin, not very tall… so this was the famous Harry Potter? Ginny was right he seemed to be nice, she decided immediately.
Some of them, like Dedalus and Hestia, were so curious that they looked as if about to jump to get a better sight of Harry. Poor boy, thought Tonks impatiently over the behaviour of her colleagues; although she also felt much curiosity. Remus was the one who was closer to Harry and Tonks was almost side-by-side to him so she could see his handsome profile; he was smiling openly at Harry who, although visibly shocked, was trying to return the smile.
"Oooh, he is exactly how I have imagined!" she said enthusiastically without being able to restrain herself anymore "Hi, Harry!"
Some people started to make comments about Harry's resemblances to his parents to Remus while Moody stole the boy suspicious looks, the paranoid kind.
"Are you sure it's him, Lupin?" he grumbled at last "It would be wonderful lookout if we took a Death Eater with us feigning it was him. We should ask him something that only the true Potter could respond. Unless someone had brought Veritaserum." Tonks felt the urge to laugh at her colleague's statement. Veritaserum honestly, of course this boy was Harry Potter, if Remus said he was than he was; his word was more than enough for her.
"Harry, which form does your Patronus assume?" asked Remus patiently.
"A stag." answered the boy nervously.
"It's him Mad-Eye!" confirmed Remus lightly. Tonks knew that Remus had taught Harry how to do a Patronus, Sirius had told her, and she was so proud of him for his great doing. It wasn't an easy thing to do, teaching a 13-year-old school boy how to perform a good Patronus. And Harry must be, in fact, a great Wizard for he could really do it perfectly, or so she had heard. At least Hermione and Ginny talked about his deeds in awe, and they must know what they were talking about being, as they were, his friends and had experienced having adventures with him.
Harry finally descended the stairs putting the wand in the pocket of his jeans and had to hear Moody's idiotic recommendations about the Elementary Rules of Security in Wands and something about not putting the wand in the back pocket of trousers. Tonks rolled her eyes but of course Moody had to see her with that creepy eye of his and protested loudly. Not that she actually cared; all that she was really interested in was that Remus seemed to have found her gesture quite amusing for he was smiling knowingly at her. Then he turned to Harry, stretched out his hand and greeted him.
"How are you?" he asked observing the boy closely and Tonks stared at them very interested now.
"Wwell… Harry looked around at the group of curious people that were watching him avidly "I… you are very lucky because the Dursleys left some time ago…" mumbled Harry.
"Lucky, eh!" exclaimed Tonks amusedly "I attracted them away from here. I sent a letter by the Muggles' mail communicating them that they had been selected to the "Best Treated Suburban Garden of all England Nomination" she finished proudly and was rewarded by another friendly smile coming from Remus.
Harry showed interest in leaving the house as quickly as he possibly could. Remus explained to him that they had to wait but they would leave as soon as the sign to advance was unleashed. He took Harry to the kitchen while he explained to him that they couldn't go to the Burrow; and Tonks and the other curious members followed them. In the kitchen Remus decided to finally introduce the Members of the Order of the Phoenix to Harry; first Moody who Harry was supposed to know better, or should have anyway.
"And this is Nymphadora…"
"Don't call me Nymphadora, Remus!" she protested with a shiver. Though her heart had leapt while perceiving that she had been introduced directly in second place, as if she was someone really important in the Order of the Phoenix or, even better… important to Remus? Despite her protest, deep, deep inside Tonks had liked listening to her given name said by him. She probably wouldn't ever confess to anyone but herself, but she quite enjoyed the sound of her name on his lips, it almost sounded gorgeous "My name is Tonks!" she finished firmly ignoring her thoughts.
"Nymphadora Tonks, who prefers to be called by her surname." persisted Remus jokingly.
"You would prefer it too if your silly mother had called you Nymphadora." complained Tonks feeling amused and annoyed at the same time.
Ignoring her last statement Remus introduced all the others and Harry kept nodding his head in a greeting. The poor boy seemed to be feeling the centre of all attentions on stage and that seemed to be disturbing him a lot.
After Remus and Moody had explained parts of the plan to Harry, Tonks started a dissertation about the cleanness of the house and Muggles overall and Remus smiled indulgently at her making her heart skip a beat, or several, she wasn't sure about it. As Harry started to ask some questions about what had happened and about Voldemort Moody cut him off while the expected chaos occurred amongst those who feared that name. At least Moody was right on one thing he said, it wasn't good to talk about those things in a Muggle house; it was dangerous.
Remus asked Harry to pack and Tonks offered immediately to help him in her vivacious manner. She was the youngest and, therefore, the nearest to Harry's age. She thought that, right then, he needed that, someone like her to whom he could more easily relate. And as much as she liked Remus' company she was there on service for the Order of the Phoenix and she wanted to prove herself worthy. She didn't want him to regret having chosen her for the group and for the task itself; she wanted him to be proud of her. Besides this way she would have the opportunity to get to know Harry Potter better.
She felt more than saw Remus' soft, amused smile and she laughed at him before following Harry through the hall and up the stairs. She surveyed everything with much curiosity and interest, making comments on Petunia Dursley's exaggerated neatness and on Harry's, more normally dishevelled, bedroom. Harry started immediately to throw books and clothes into his trunk but Tonks stopped in front of the mirror on the wardrobe and judged her image critically. That day she had decided to have her short spiky hair coloured in a strong violet tone. But now that she was thinking about it, she didn't like it all that much.
"You know, I think that violet is definitely not my colour!" she thoughtfully examined a strand of hair "Don't you think that it makes me a look a little ill?" Harry growled something but she was too concentrated in what Remus thought about her hair to notice what he had said. "Yes it does!" she decided and after she had concentrated her hair became the exact shade of bubblegum pink she had been thinking about.
It was much better now and she thought amused in what would Remus think when he saw her again, while admiring her new look in the mirror. Harry showed much curiosity about her changing and she explained him what were Metamorphmagus while he stared at her perplexedly. He seemed very impressed by the fact that she was an Auror and she was even more proud for being one, relishing the fact that The Boy Who Lived was actually admiring her capabilities.
"I bet that sometimes you would like to hide that scar, wouldn't you?" she said staring at it. She supposed that all his interest in Metamorphosis had something to do with that.
"I would, er, yes I would!" he agreed thoughtfully and Tonks felt sad about him. He deserved to have had a good life amongst the other Wizards but instead Harry had lived a miserable life in a Muggle house where he was not welcome. He was like Remus in a way; they both have endured too much suffering in their lives.
Harry's questions had managed to distract her a little bit but she couldn't stop thinking about Remus and Molly's words about him. It would be so wonderful if he felt as attached to her as she felt to him. Tonks had perceived he liked her ever since the beginning, just like her actually, but it could merely be concern and friendship. However she felt absurdly attracted to him and wanted to believe that he felt the same for her, as illogical as it would be. After all why would a man like Remus be interested in such a silly girl like herself?
Suddenly she remembered about the luggage and what Remus would think of her if they got delayed. With a feeling of guilt she helped Harry with her wand. The poor boy was packing everything with his bare hands because he was not allowed to use magic at home and moreover after being already warned; with the problems he already had with the Ministry he didn't need more.
Tonks arranged the luggage awkwardly apologizing for her clumsiness in domestic spells. After certifying themselves that nothing was missing, not even Harry's precious Firebolt, they returned to the kitchen where Remus was sealing a letter to the Dursleys. He smiled at Harry's protests concerning the lack of necessity of leaving that letter and about having to return the upcoming summer. When Remus' eyes met her, Tonks saw a brief, covert smile on his lips at her new look. But that was it; he showed no other sign of acknowledgment. But she changed looks so many times that it was difficult for anyone to show surprise, hence why nobody had made comments.
Finally Moody called Harry and camouflaged him; she found it a great idea, even coming from Mad-Eye. Moody explained the plan to Harry, trying to terrorize him with his paranoid theories that someone might be killed during the mission. And Tonks protested while she was tying Harry's luggage and the birdcage of his owl to her own broom. Moody ignored her but at least Kingsley contradicted him, he had much more sense of things in her opinion. She was still waiting for Remus' support though, but he was too worried with the mission to pay much attention to the conversation. It was him who warned them all about the signs being unleashed. Tonks looked up to see the red sparkles in the starry sky of the night; it was time to leave.
They all flew in line to Grimmauld Place without further problems, apart from the ones caused by Moody's suspicions. Once on the ground Remus helped Tonks carry Harry's luggage and she felt grateful, ecspecially because she had got a chance to touch his hands purposefully when she said it wasn't necessary. Of course he helped her anyway and she was quite enjoying being able to touch him harmlessly.
She had finally met Harry Potter, she had proved herself worthy of the Order of the Phoenix, Professor Dumbledore was awaiting her, Remus and the others for a meeting in the ancient house of the very relatives who had despised her mother and renounced her parentage; but the only thing she could think of was that Remus Lupin had been, was now and would be with her for a long time.
End of Flashback
The noise outside the window shook her to reality, though miserable she felt, Tonks still had to work. And she had worked a lot lately as an escape of her unhappiness; but somehow she couldn't find the strength to leave her bed just yet. Tonks had never been a morning person but Remus had been the reason for her to leave her home happily every morning ever since they met.
He had always made her feel special, she thought recalling that day at Privet Drive, even now that he had rejected her she still felt special. Tonks knew he was grieving without her, yet he was worried with her safety only, more than he was worried with his own life and his happiness… and hers also even if not intentionally.
But why, why did he think she was safer away from him, everybody was in danger those days. And what if he was a Werewolf, she trusted him and besides HE had invited her to become a member of the Order of the Phoenix how could he not trust her capacities. But then again presently she was not even able to change the colour of her hair never mind doing a good defensive spell.
As hard as she tried she wasn't able to change anything in her looks anymore and that was so depressing. Besides she was risking her job if she kept failing her transformations.
Tonks gathered all her remaining courage and got ready for work all the while still thinking about that day in Private Drive. Remus had been so nice with her, as always actually, although he had never lost that annoyingly beloved habit of calling her by her given name. In fact she had grown so accustomed at him calling her Nymphadora, it felt so personal, so special that she had felt pretty annoyed with him when he hadn't used it during their row days before.
Molly was right; he needed a girlfriend. And not only a girlfriend, Remus needed someone to take care of him, to love him as much as he deserved. And she wanted to take care of him, always wanted, even before she realized how much she loved him, she thought tearfully. And, although she would always complain about that, she really wanted him to take care of her.
Tonks left for work without any other delay. She knew she had to eat but she wasn't hungry. She was feeling very down and just thinking about food was enough to make her ill.
She had to find a way to put an end to his stubbornness. Tonks knew Remus wouldn't give in any sooner, yet she wouldn't give up on him either. He sure was decided and a fighter but she was too, and was not going to give up on him, never. She needed some advice, though.
Tonks wasn't sure to what would be her mother's reaction; she was afraid that her mother would think like Remus, and she would rather not have that problem right now. Molly, on the contrary, had said something back then. She had told her that he needed a girlfriend and she had made some insinuations about Tonks and Remus when she had caught her observing him with admiration.
Molly would be a good listener, she was sure. They hadn't talk about it since then, Tonks hadn't wanted to persist in the issue any longer. She had been uncertain and rather doing things her own way; but now it was all or nothing.
That was it; she was going to talk to Molly. Yes, she was going to have a conversation with her… as soon as she got a chance, decided Tonks feeling slightly better when she spun on the spot and disaparated.
Remus apparated in the back yard of the Burrow late in the afternoon. He had been invited for dinner and he was already late. He thought he had been making progress with some Werewolves but it came out that they were just interested in why he was so civilized, which was a dangerous issue to discuss with them. Finally he had achieved to delude their suspicions about him and had been able to leave. Molly must have been very worried about him by now.
To tell the truth she seemed to be worrying about him more than usual lately, probably due to what had happened to Sirius and his more than constant trips underground with the other Werewolves. He had been working very hard in the last days, he wanted nothing more than to erase the pain, to forget Nymphadora's hurt expression at his painful words, her tears, her sobbing. Their discussion had occurred almost two weeks ago but it killed him every time he recalled that day.
Remus approached the door of the kitchen and knocked three times sensing movement inside the house right after.
"Who's there?" asked a voice just a few seconds later "Declare yourself!"
"Remus Lupin!" he said tiredly.
"Who… oh that dangerous Werewolf, I'm not opening just so you know!" answered the amused voice.
"Bill, ask me the question already… I'm in no mood for this kind of jokes" said Remus trying to sound amused but his harsh voice betrayed his state of mind. In other circumstances he would have laughed, but these days he didn't find any reason to smile; not when the woman he loved was so depressed because of him, not when he was causing her to suffer.
"Oh, someone's very bad-tempered today!" answered Bill with a light chuckle and Remus laughed only a bit. It was difficult though, he had been very down lately. He knew that this was nobody's fault, the fact that he couldn't be with Nymphadora, but he felt so deeply miserable that he wasn't capable of showing joy anymore. He had been extremely polite to everybody but the others knew that something was wrong. Perhaps they thought it had something to do with his mission amongst the Werewolves; anyway he wouldn't deny it or else he would have to tell the truth and that was something he didn't want to do.
"Please Bill, your mother invited me for dinner, she must be worried with my delay. Besides I had a bad day and I'm tired; just ask me the question, please!" asked Remus with a somehow exasperated sigh.
"Right, Remus. Now if it's really you, tell me, why are you so upset?
"Bill!" he reprimanded "That's not the question we agreed on."
"Alright, alright! This is just so boring the question won't prove a thing; you could be a Death Eater in disguise with the information; or you could be under the imperious course or…
"And you really think a Death Eater would catch me alive?" asked Remus starting to find the situation a little amusing.
"Or you could be an Inferi…"
"Ask!" commanded Remus now laughing.
"Alright, I'll ask the stupid question but don't think that you'll convince me with your answer." said Bill laughing loudly "Now, who was your Potions teacher? And what kind of question is this, anyway?
"Horace Slughorn! And I thought nobody would be expecting this question." answered Remus shrugging his shoulders dismissively.
"Liked potions, did you?" asked Bill ironically.
"Not really, and Slughorn wasn't my favourite teacher either but he's better than Snape, anyway." joked Remus feeling slightly better now.
"Anyone is better than Snape." answered Bill and they both laughed "Now it's your turn." continued Bill Weasley obviously enjoying himself"
"Alright!" Remus sighed deeply, feeling annoyed all over again "What's the name of your bride?"
"Lovely Fleur Delacour." answered Bill dreamily "Well, I guess I can let you in now" he decided at last and Remus thanked it, he really had had already enough that day.
"I think you're a little infatuated with this marriage, don't you think?" asked Remus with a hint of unhappiness in his tone of voice when finally Bill had opened the door for him.
"Perhaps, but that's a good thing, isn't it?""I don't know, but you should really change your question it's too obvious."
"Not really, not everybody knows I'm going to get married, besides I trust you to never get caught." Bill laughed at his own joke but Remus shook his head with a serious expression on his face. "You should do it too, you know, marry someone that is, you are getting bitter." continued Bill with a low and provoking chuckle this time, as if he knew something Remus didn't.
"You know I'm not allowed to get married." he retorted resentfully.
"That means you would like to?" remarked Bill with a smirk. Remus didn't answer to that difficult question. Well of course he would love to marry the adorable Nymphadora Tonks but that was out of question and… "Now tell me, are you upset because a certain beauty had stolen your heart and you are not brave enough to take a chance on her?" finished Bill with a large smile but he was gone before Remus had got a chance to retort. Now he was sure that Bill knew about Nymphadora and himself, everybody seemed to know anyway. Well it wasn't all that difficult coming to think about it, after what Sirius had hinted; and they were acting quite different around one another lately.
Remus was still smiling sadly about his friend's daring when he entered the living room. Hermione and Ginny were there, talking and laughing about something, but his heart almost stopped beating when he saw that they were not alone. Nymphadora was sitting between them and he forgot all his exhaustion at the sight of her. His smile disappeared slowly from his lips when her sad eyes met his and he took in her appearance.
He knew that Nymphadora was completely recovered from her injury in the Ministry yet she looked older and thinner. Her hair was still brown, it seemed she couldn't change its colour anymore and, though she looked quite beautiful, gorgeous really, in her natural look she was so colourless and gloomy. This wasn't the young woman he had met a year before, he thought sadly; the colourful, amusing girl had disappeared giving place to a weary and unhappy woman.
Remus wasn't expecting her presence in the Burrow that day. He had avoided Nymphadora as much as possible and it had been difficult enough seeing her those two times after their discussion; watching her misery; perceiving her pain. But of course Nymphadora was a friend of the Weasleys too and she had the right to talk with Ginny and Hermione whenever she wanted to.
"Hi girls!" he said sullenly, trying hard not to fix his stare on the beautiful woman with such sad eyes lingering painfully on him "Hermione how's your vacation been?"
"The same as usual, professor." she answered smiling at him.
"Tonks, everything's okay with you?" he asked slowly, feeling a lump forming in his throat when he saw her hurt expression. Stupid question, of course she wasn't alright and he had only himself to blame.
"Fine! How are you, Remus?" she asked melancholically and he detected also a hint of irony in her words. He took his time observing her mournful features before answering her question. Nymphadora seemed so worried about his state as she ran her eyes swiftly through him. He really had to restrain himself to not advance on her and hug her tight until all the pain of the last days had disappeared.
"I'm… okay!" he said at last with great effort for he was very far from being okay. "Ginny, is your father at home?" he asked suddenly after clearing his voice; he needed to distract his own thoughts away from Nymphadora.
"He hasn't arrived yet, he is working very hard at the Ministry, you know?" answered Ginny worriedly.
"Yes, these are difficult times but…"
"Well girls, I loved talking to you but Molly isn't coming down and I have so much work to do tomorrow." said Nymphadora, interrupting him half-heartedly with a forced smile towards the girls.
"But weren't you suppose to stay for dinner?" asked Ginny sounding very disappointed. She and Hermione were really good friends of Nymphadora. It felt natural since she was so youthful and he admired her for that.
"Yes, but I'm so tired, my head is exploding and I'd rather sleep a little." Remus knew she was lying, and the girls seemed to know also by their exchanging of looks. Although he hoped they didn't know he was the reason she wasn't staying.
Nymphadora rushed pass him through the door, without even glancing at him, after she had waved carelessly. Remus had seen tears in her eyes, which broke his heart one more time. He didn't want her to leave on his account and he barely noticed he was following her until she reached the door.
"Nymphadora!" he called anxiously. She hesitated with her hand in the doorknob.
"What?" her voice was a little harsh and tearful and he ached deeply with it.
"You shouldn't leave because of me, I should leave!" said Remus sadly.
"Why, I don't want you to leave, I must go that's all." she retorted still not even looking back, though he could feel the rage and sadness in her usually soft and cheerful tone of voice. "Besides I would not be able to eat." she added low, obviously she didn't mean him to hear her only he did and his heart sank in dismay.
"You're not eating properly, are you?" asked Remus worriedly.
"What do you care?" her hard words were hurting him more than anything in the world; even so he kept talking.
"Don't be unfair with me, Nymphadora; you know how I care about you." he said feeling completely disgruntled "And you look ill, you're not taking care of your health." he persisted urgently.
"I could say the same about you!" she whispered sadly.
"That's not important!" said Remus firmly although her disturbing words were still ringing in his ears "It's you we're talking about."
"It is important to me!" she paused for a brief moment before she continued "And I'm perfectly able to take care of myself, thanks!" she finished angrily still facing the door.
"Look at me!" again without noticing Remus had made his way towards Nymphadora and grabbed her arm. She stood still for a second and then, very slowly, she turned to him. Yet Nymphadora didn't look into his eyes she was staring at the floor and he could sense she was about to cry. He resisted the impulse to engulf her in his embrace but before he could stop himself he had lifted her chin instead making her look deeply into his eyes. And the pain he saw in hers was enough to kill him more efficiently than any curse. "I would like so much to ease your pain." he barely whispered.
"Well that doesn't matter now, does it? It doesn't matter how much I am suffering as long as I don't waste my life in a Werewolf, the man I love, who is so idiotic that he can't understand that I'm not alive when he's not near me." she exploded bitterly, breathing hard because of her fury. He lowered his eyes slowly. They were so painfully close now that he was breathing her soft flowery scent and he could barely resist the need to kiss her.
"We've been through this before Nymphadora, you know my reasons, you only need to accept them." whispered Remus averting his eyes from hers so that Nymphadora couldn't see his anguish.
"Oh but I won't, I will never accept this situation." she murmured, all her body trembling in angst.
"We can't do this!" said Remus decidedly, while he grabbed her shoulders steadily, running his hands inwardly up and down her arms in order to calm her down. Nymphadora closed her eyes when he reached her hands, rubbing her fingers until he noticed what he was doing and pulled apart apprehensively.
"Please Remus, I love you so much! I don't care if you're a Werewolf, listen to me!" she held his face endearingly and, gazing deeply into his eyes, she finished softly "I don't care!"
"We should see each other less times." he murmured unhappily after a brief pause trying to organize his thoughts "This is only hurting us both even more.
"Don't close yourself in a shell, I want to be with you." pleaded Nymphadora weakly; she seemed to have run out of strengths to fight by now.
"I'm used to be alone" murmured Remus after regaining control of his breathing and recovering his voice he had lost because of her last words. "and anyway I don't have anyone else so…
"You have me!" she interrupted sounding deeply hurt; and her soft hands left his face "And the Weasleys and Harry too; and I want to take care of you; we can take care of each other."
"No, we can't, that would be too risky." refuted Remus softly.
"But why? If we are careful enough nothing bad is going to happen. You always find a place to hide while transforming anyway; and if you were to attack me you would do it if I was or was not your girlfriend." finished Nymphadora firmly. Oh, just the sound of that last word of hers was filling his head up with beautiful images of how wonderful it would be to have her in his life; nights spent by the fireplace, taking her breath away with long kisses; trips to Hogsmeade; spending everything until his last remaining knut to buy her Honeydukes sweets…
"Can't you understand, this is not just a question of me anymore?" he reasoned trying to put himself together.
"No, than what's your excuse now?" he could sense that Nymphadora was loosing her remaining patience.
"Greyback!" he said in a puff of air "If he would ever find out about you and I he would go after you. And if he gets you I'm lost but not before I have finished him. It might take me a lifetime but, if he dared touching you, I would kill him even if it was the last thing I did." finished Remus fiercely and her eyes lit up a bit. "That's why we can't be together, I don't want him to get anywhere close to you.
"I can fight him, I…"
"You don't know him." said Remus waving his head sadly "Can't you understand? If Greyback finds out about whatever it's happening between us he is capable of… he can… can try to harm you, he can…
"I'm not afraid of him and anyway I'm willing to take the risk. I love you Remus and we've been through this conversation before." she finished impatiently.
"Well I don't want to take the risk, alright!" retorted Remus angrily "Look at what happened to Emmeline Vance and to Amelia Bones, they are dead. And what about all those other people who have disappeared lately. Can't you see I don't want to loose you?" Remus' voice broke in the last words and he closed his eyes for a brief second.
"I'm not afraid…"
"Look Nymphadora, please try to understand you are a half-blood, an Auror and a precious member of the Order of the Phoenix, these are enough reasons to be pursued by Death Eaters" explained Remus looking intently at her "don't put yourself in a more dangerous situation by staying with me; ecspecially now that I am fighting directly against Greyback.
"I want to fight him too!" protested Nymphadora sternly.
"No!" Remus almost shouted in horror "No, please! I don't want you to get involved, this is my fight." he finished more softly. The last thing he wanted was to see Nymphadora fighting Greyback, the most hideous Werewolf alive.
"Your fights are mine too!" she retorted firmly "I love you, how many times do I have to say it before you understand what that means?"
"I don't deserve your affection." said Remus desperately "You shouldn't be so attached to me, I have a very dangerous life, I'm taking a risk everyday and I could be killed anytime because…"
"Don't… don't you say that, don't you dare talk about you dying!" she demanded in a low and enraged tone of voice and he could see that she was trembling furiously.
"That's a possibility!" reasoned Remus sadly.
"No it isn't, you're better than any Death Eater." she said through gritted teeth.
"I'm dealing with Fenrir Greyback!" he whispered putting his hands in his pockets.
"You're much better than him. He can only harm you if you let yourself go, don't do it Remus!" she pleaded with her fists nervously clenched and he felt incredibly flattered with her trust in his capacities "If you… if something happens to you I won't stand it. I would rather die in your place than staying alive grieving for you. I love you so much!" she finished with a loud sob while running one hand softly through his hair, tears running freely down her face. A strong rush of emotion washed over Remus, almost making him falter, at her meaningful words, her trembling voice, her sad tears…
In a second his hands were cradling her face and his lips mere inches apart from hers. He stopped himself just before he did something he would painfully regret. Remus swallowed hard at her beautiful vision. Her perfume was imbibed in his senses and he could feel the heat of her rapid breathing in his face; the temptation to close their distance and kiss her was almost unbearable. Remus tore his eyes away from her lips while still fighting against his impulses. She was still crying silently and didn't move forward which he painfully thanked. They couldn't kiss each other; it would be insane and would only hurt them both even more. Why did she have to be such a soft talker, her words had been playing havoc within him. Her worries about him, her pleads… her endless love for him were everything he had ever wished for; yet this had been forbidden to him the day he had gotten bitten by a Werewolf.
"I've told you I don't have anything to offer you so why do you insist?" he asked throatily playing distractedly with a lock of her hair.
"And I've told you, you're everything I need! You have everything I want." she retorted tiredly "I need your love, that's all I'm asking for, give me your love Remus."
"We can't do this!" he said after a long pause and released her hair, trying his best not to caress her face.
"I'm so tired of crying Remus, you have no idea what I've been through in the last days." she whispered, her voice quivering as she pulled her hair with both hands making a sound of pure frustration. He knew exactly how she had suffered because he had felt the same agonizing pain lately. However he gathered all his remaining common sense so as to comfort her in the best way he could.
"That will pass and you are going to be happy again as you deserve." he assured, grabbing her wrists and pulling them down to stop her frantic movements.
"No, I won't! Only you could make me feel happy and you know it." she didn't sounded furious as before she only sounded hurt, sad and unhappy and that made him feel even worse. If she was angry it would be better for her state of mind. Anger was not a good thing but sadness was worse, it destroyed every bit of self-confidence in people. How he wanted to end both their grieving; how he wanted to grab her face and kiss her forever, making her realize all his dismay "I would like to know what I did. I have objected each and every one of your stupid reasons but you still persist in keeping your distance… I just want to understand why. Am I such a weak person that you can't be with me? Because that's the image you seem to have of me, a weak woman unable to fight both our wars." Remus felt shocked at her words.
"What are you saying… that's not the image I have of you." he muttered confused "I honestly believe in your capacities… and… it's just that my reasons are more than valid, though you are still unable of accepting them. But this… believe me Nymphadora, it's not your fault, I…"
"Mrs. Weasley is calling everybody for dinner." said Hermione at the door and she looked compassionately at Nymphadora for she was trying to dry her tears hastily. Remus tried not to think about what Hermione would understand from the situation she had just presented.
"Sorry I have to go, apologize to Molly for me, please!" she said sadly to no one in particular and left without even saying goodbye; but he couldn't complain since he had done the same after their last talk.
Remus saw Nymphadora leaving with a pang of unhappiness in his heart. He stood there hearing the voices coming from the living room but he couldn't avert his eyes from the door she had just closed. What had happened to the bright girl he once met? She had always had a strong character, a unique personality but now the light had gone.
He had felt shocked when he first had seen her after their discussion, her eyes had lost their usual light, her hair was mousy brown and lifeless; but what had shocked him the most was the sadness he had perceived in her, she had always been so joyful and now… She couldn't even metamorphose like before, he thought sadly; she used to be so funny with all those disguises. He knew she liked to change and suspected that she couldn't do it anymore and worse, he knew that could happen due to emotional upheavals and he had the hurtful impression that he was the responsible for her loosing her powers.
He still was shocked now and he felt a lump on his throat just remembering the expression on her face before she left the Burrow. Remus felt so bad for Nymphadora, she wasn't this sad woman, she was the brightest human being he had ever met… she used to glow more than the sun reflected on clear water. Had he done all of this to her? Had he destroyed her joy, her happy smile… her youth? The guilt he felt for what he had done to her was almost unbearable but he couldn't retrieve now, if he did so they would both regret it. He would just have to hope that Nymphadora would recover her happiness soon.
"Come Remus, dear!" said Molly from the threshold of the door behind him. She looked relieved because he was there and Remus remembered suddenly that she must have been worried about his safety, and that he should have talked to her sooner. But that fact had remained hidden in the back of his head after he had seen Nymphadora. "Where's Tonks?"
"She couldn't stay for dinner." said Remus painfully and he perceived something close to deception in Molly's eyes. Could she possibly have done it on purpose? Had she invited them both for dinner with the intention of making them talk? Sure enough Nymphadora had been there and he was too, but at the same time she was also a friend of the family…
"Have you talked to her?" asked Molly in a strangely innocent tone of voice, which made him suspect her even more.
"Yes, we've talked!" he admitted in a whisper but Molly heard him. She smiled patiently at him and didn't insist on a further conversation over the issue.
"Well, come on, you must be hungry!" finished Molly ushering him forwards.
Feeling too weak to protest Remus joined the others in the living room, where they were awaiting for dinner, knowing full well that he wouldn't eat that night. He missed Nymphadora and her bright laugh, he would love to see her smile again. She used to be so colourful and vivacious, amusing him during the meals at Grimmauld Place. But now, because of him, she was nothing but a shadow of what she once was, a star with no light … a rainbow fading in the dusk.
A/N So have you enjoyed this chapter? I hope you did; I have a great responsibility here, with such great reviews I have the obligation to do a good work :).
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