Summary: Tonks finally gets a chance to talk to Molly. Meanwhile Remus is amongst the Werewolves. Find out their thoughts in this chapter.
A Bit of His Past
By: She-Elfgirl
Chapter 6
A Howl By The Moonlight
Tonks was sitting in the kitchen of the Burrow staring blankly at the clock where all the Weasleys were currently in danger of death. She had arrived about ten minutes ago. Fortunately it had been Ron opening the door to her, if it had been Bill or one of the twins she would have been outside for ages while they have made fun of her. Well Bill wasn't all that mean to her but sometimes…
It had been two days since Tonks had decided to go to Molly in search of counsel about Remus. She had been there the day before in hope of getting Molly alone for a talk but she hadn't gotten the opportunity, so she had come back that same afternoon and was now waiting for her friend to join her in the kitchen. Ron had told her that Molly had gone upstairs after starting to prepare dinner; apparently she had had urgent matters to resolve away from a certain French guest in the Burrow.
The day before, when Tonks had been there, she had met Remus before talking to Molly and she had left without having the chance to even see her, nevermind talking to her. She had been there mainly because Molly had invited her for dinner, and she had decided it would be a good occasion to set a conversation.
Now that she thought about it Molly was inviting her for dinner a lot lately and, every time she had accepted, Remus had also been invited… could Molly have possibly been doing it on purpose? Of course it was a natural thing to do, inviting a couple of friends for dinner, ecspecially the ones who had nobody else; and Remus was a friend of the Weasleys and he had no other place where he was welcome… no other family. As for herself, Tonks knew that Molly was worried about her because she did nothing but cry or show unhappiness lately; it was no surprise to anyone since everything was going wrong in her life nowadays.
But somehow Tonks suspected that Molly was doing it intentionally, inviting both Remus and her to the Burrow. And, strangely enough, she hadn't warned her that Remus would be joining them the day before as she usually did. Tonks had actually strong suspicions that Molly somehow knew that they had been fighting and that she wanted to help them to settle things right. Tonks was actually starting to think that Molly was up to something concerning her relationship with Remus After all she had shown suspicions towards their bond and also interest in seeing them together.
Anyway, the day before she had wanted to take the opportunity to talk to Molly but her friend had been too busy upstairs and, according to Ginny, she hadn't wanted to be interrupted. Tonks knew for sure that Molly had been only escaping from that French girl… Fleur her name was, Bill's fiancée. But she hadn't wanted to disturb her anyway so she had decided to wait.
Ginny and Hermione had kept her company; Hermione had arrived the day before and had a lot to talk about her holidays. Tonks had simply been there listening to their conversation. Both girls had been mostly making fun of Fleur and laughing at their own jokes but she hadn't joined them; she actually hadn't smiled even once along their conversation. To tell the truth she hadn't said much the whole time they had been there.
Tonks had perceived, by their exchange of meaningful looks, that Hermione and Ginny were worried about her and it was normal actually, after all she had always been very enthusiastic about jokes and she had always laughed a lot. They were probably thinking that she was down and gloomy because of Sirius; they might even have guessed that she felt guilty for what had happened to him. And they would be mostly right in their assumptions. Well, of course she was very sad about her cousin's death, but what presently hurt her the most was Remus and his stubbornness.
In any case she hadn't told the girls the real reason of her sadness, it was better this way, she didn't want to expose Remus or herself to further commentaries. Hermione and Ginny were cool but Tonks needed advice from somebody older and far more experienced.
When she had seen him standing at the entrance of the room she suddenly hadn't known what to do. After all she had come to talk to Molly about him and there he was as if he had apparated from her thoughts.
He had looked so thin, so gloomy, so… unhappy when he had examined her closely, taking in her different appearance. She had seen it in his eyes… she had seen so much grief. But he kept his stupid resolution of being apart from her, making them both suffer to no end. And then he had asked her if she was all right, of course she wasn't but she hadn't said it out loud in front of the girls.
He had said he was fine but she knew he had been lying since she had noticed that he was thinner than usual, more sorrowful, he obviously hadn't slept well lately, just like her, and he looked even more ill than usual. While studying his features Tonks had perceived that he had been very surprised at her sight; he clearly hadn't been expecting her presence at the Burrow that day, which added to her suspicions about Molly's true intentions. Of course, he had been avoiding her ever since they had talked about their feelings towards one another whilst she, on the contrary, not only had tried to get close to him but she had also been fighting with all her strengths for their love.
Anyway, after seeing him Tonks had given up talking to Molly. Their conversation would have to be transferred to another day, there was no way of her getting a chance to pour her unhappiness to Molly with Remus around. She then had decided that the best thing to do was for her to leave right then so to not bother him with her misery. She had felt all of a sudden very angry and extremely hurt just by being near him; and she had abandoned the room after a brief and discreet excuse feeling saddened tears prickle her eyes. She had known that if she stood there she would cry and she hadn't wanted to explain herself to the girls, she hadn't been ready for that, not yet.
In fact, when she had passed Remus she had been on the verge of tears and she hadn't even been brave enough to look at him. But then, when she had been about to leave, she had heard his soft voice from behind her, calling her once again by her given name and she hadn't found the strength to ignore him and depart. So she had found herself closing her eyes briefly at the pleasant sound of her name on his lips; it felt great and familiar hearing him calling her that again. Even so Tonks hadn't wanted to face him and she hadn't looked back, instead she had kept staring at the closed door; she had still been angry at herself, at him, at the whole world that had decided against them.
While they exchanged a few words she had felt her anger growing hot inside of her, ecspecialy when he had shown concern. Of course she knew he was truly worried about her but that was only infuriating her more. And not even the fact that she was also so worried about him would calm her down right then. How dare he love her so much and still ignore her that way. She knew that Remus had been only trying to talk to her, that he wanted to help her cope with her own pain but she had still been extremely angry and bitter and … if he didn't want to be with her then she had decided that she wouldn't talk to him just then unless it was strictly necessary, no matter how immature that might seem. The truth was that she had felt too distraught to have a conversation without fighting and she was so tired of fighting with him.
But when she had heard his plead for her to look at him; and when she had felt him approaching, startling her when his hand, gentle and warm, closed around her arm… she hadn't resisted it and she had turned slowly to face him. Yet Tonks had been unable to look him straight in the eyes; she hadn't wanted him to see the tears in hers and she hadn't wanted to see his pain. Although it was his fault if they were both grieving; he was the one avoiding her; he was the one that was finding excuses, not her. But she hadn't wanted to see his unhappiness nonetheless; she loved him too much for that and she had enough with her own pain.
Somehow they had gotten so close that she could feel the warmness of his body distracting her of her fury for a moment. He had lifted her chin then and, when their eyes locked during what seemed like eternity, she had seen her misery reflected in his eyes and she had suspected from his tormented expression that he must have seen his grief mirrored in hers. But of course he had kept persisting in his stupid excuses and her fury had grown even stronger as they had yet another fight. She understood his worries for her, she felt the same concern about him but she didn't agree that they had to be apart for fear of losing each other. It wasn't fair and she would never accept his excuses; she would fight to the end for this love.
Remus had been so caught up by the moment that he had unconsciously caressed her arms and her hands, rubbing his fingers to hers in a way that… she had felt shivers. She had closed her eyes aching desperately for him to surrender to their love but then, all of a sudden, he had ceased the touch, breaking her heart one more time along with her hope. She had wanted to destroy all his stupid resistance, to convince him that he didn't need to be alone, that she wanted to be with him but he wouldn't give in.
Tonks had felt unbelievably grateful to him, because of his worries about her safety, because he wanted to protect her from any harm… she knew he would always protect her against Greyback. And she had felt incredibly touched when Remus had said that he didn't want to lose her, that he would be able to… to kill Greyback for her. Although Tonks didn't want him to kill anyone for her, the only thing she wanted was for him to reconsider their situation.
But still his excuse was not even worth a second thought. Remus was putting so much effort in keeping her away from his life that he wasn't making sense at all. How could he have thought that she would stop persisting with him because of Greyback? To start with she knew full well, although only technically, how to deal with a Werewolf. And, even more importantly, she was not afraid, ecspecially with Remus by her side; she could fight Greyback with him. She had really meant it when she had said that she would rather die than grieve for him. She couldn't bear the thought… if he… if something happened to him she would perish of mourn for sure. She had been so furious with him for bringing up just the mere possibility of him to… so furious that she hadn't been able to hold back the tears anymore.
He had been about to kiss her then, she had felt it tingling in her skin. For one brief second she had felt her hope rise again from the depths of her being. But she should have known he wouldn't have kissed her as much as he wanted it. And as much as she wanted it herself, as much as she needed it she had been too hurt to close their distance and kiss him only to be ignored again. She was always touching him on purpose, before that day, she enjoyed touching Remus as much as she could and whenever she'd got a chance but… that day, even though her heartbeats had been out of control, even though she had wanted it with all the force of her essence, she hadn't done a single movement to kiss him. She just wouldn't be able to endure being rejected again so soon.
Feeling utterly miserable Tonks had used her last remaining strengths in trying to convince him, to bring him back to reason but to no effectiveness. Although he had been playing with her hair, although she knew he had been deeply hurting himself with each word of refusal, he wouldn't back out from his decision. Tonks had been running out of strengths by then, her anger had faded and she only felt sad and tired and… insecure; not from his love, which she knew for sure he strongly felt for her, but about his confidence in her capacities. She had needed to know if she wasn't good enough for him. But the confusion she had seen in his features, when she had let him know her thoughts had shown her that he truly believed in her capability, which was somehow a relief.
Then Hermione had entered the room interrupting them. Remus and herself had been very close to each other and she had still been crying; but strangely, in that exact moment, Tonks had not been really worried about what Hermione would think of them. She had just apparated home, feeling incredibly sad and weak. Once there she had collapsed in her bed, crying bitter tears until she had fallen asleep from tiredness.
Tonks was awoken from her memories by the sound of voices coming from the living room. Feeling startled by the sudden interruption of her thoughts she dried her tears quickly so that whoever was coming wouldn't see them, she hadn't even noticed she had been crying. Tonks was still trying to compose herself when, two minutes later Molly entered the kitchen muttering furiously to herself.
"What have I done to deserve this?" she said summoning a large spoon from a shelf with her wand.
"Something wrong Molly?" asked Tonks worriedly, using a soft tone of voice but it startled Molly who apparently hadn't noticed her silenced presence.
"Oh, hi Tonks… nothing's wrong dear." answered Molly softly although she was stirring the onion soup, that had been boiling in the stove, quite aggressively. "Just that Fleur." she continued through greeted teeth. Tonks waited but Molly didn't improve so she decided to keep on.
"You can talk to me if you want to." she said sympathetically. She had perceived ever since the beginning that Molly wasn't at all satisfied with Bill's future marriage to that French girl, Fleur Delacour. Tonks didn't know her very well but Hermione and Ginny hated her literally and in fact she didn't seem to be a very nice person.
"Oh dear I'm sorry, Ron told me you were here but I was so busy that I almost forgot about you." she chuckled nervously while spoons, bowls and goblets flew and set themselves in the table at a gesture of her wand "Dinner's almost ready; you're staying aren't you? After all yesterday you managed to leave without even saying hello to me." finished Molly in a strange tone of voice and Tonks suspected that her friend knew why she had left so soon the day before.
"I just…"
"But well of course you hadn't the chance to see me, dear." Molly interrupted Tonks while she gave her a knowing look. "So don't worry about that, you'll compensate today." apparently Molly had assumed that she would stay. But, although it smelled good, Tonks couldn't find the appetite so she decided to decline the invitation. She would talk to Molly and leave right after.
"Well I…"
"It's not that I don't want to, you know, but… well they are so young to get married and…" interrupted Molly changing the subject so fast that Tonks felt a little dizzy "… and there are so many nice girls for whom Bill could be interested in!" finished Molly distractedly. Tonks frowned a little at that sudden commentary, but then suddenly Molly smiled. "Oh, no dear, don't worry I was not thinking about you. As nice as it would be to have you in the family I know you have… let's say other person to think about." Molly was now looking at her intently, as if waiting for a response but Tonks stared at her wordlessly while thinking about what to respond. She was, in fact, there to talk to Molly because she was sad and grieving for a love that, for all that mattered, was unrequited. She also wanted to tell her friend about her loosing of powers, her metamorphosing problems more precisely. And she was in seek of counsel; but now that she had a chance she couldn't find the words at Molly's honesty. Anyway, Tonks cleared her voice discreetly, her friend was still waiting so she decided to talk at once before she had time to regret it.
"Molly I…"
"Oh, how I hate Phlegm!" Ginny stormed into the kitchen looking profoundly exasperated and followed closely by a very annoyed Hermione.
"She is so… so full of herself." agreed Hermione crossing her arms brusquely.
"Ginny, don't say those things and don't call her that." protested Molly weakly and Tonks suspected that she was only playing her part as a mother reprimanding her child but that she actually didn't mind Ginny's words about Bill's fiancée.
"Hey, Tonks!" greeted Ginny with a relieved grin, choosing not to retort to her mother. Tonks gave them a very brief and sad smile thinking that she wouldn't be able to start her conversation with Molly with the girls around "You've just saved us!" Ginny suddenly grabbed her arm and pulled her off the chair.
"What?" she asked completely caught by surprise.
"Come on Tonks, let's talk a bit, Phlegm's not staying with us if you're there." continued Ginny enthusiastically.
"Thanks a lot!" she retorted ironically trying to smile but failing miserably.
"Oh, you know what I mean." said Ginny grinning broadly and, although Tonks didn't quite get the reason to why Fleur didn't like her, she followed the girls. Anyway they wouldn't leave her alone with Molly if she didn't do what they wanted and she needed to talk to her without any kind of interruption.
"Tonks was talking to me." said Molly hurriedly when Fleur floated happily into the room and Tonks looked back at her apologetically. In that precise moment she tripped in a chair that fell at Fleur's feet and chaos was unleashed.
"Autch, watch out! Can't you zee what'z in your path?" she said furious although there wasn't a real motive since she hadn't gotten hurt.
"Sorry!" said Tonks nonchalantly. She should probably be embarrassed but she felt very numb lately towards everything that wasn't related to Remus. Only he could make her feel, without him any kind of emotion just didn't seem to make sense anymore. She felt empty and cold… so cold inside.
"She didn't do it on purpose." defended Molly harshly.
"But she could 'ave hit mee" protested Fleur angrily although Tonks was still not in the least worried about her complains. She hadn't done any harm and couldn't quite comprehend why Fleur was so furious with her.
"There's no need to make a fuss over such a little thing" muttered Hermione while glaring at Fleur.
"Oh, just ignore her!" whispered Ginny and dragged Tonks out of the kitchen and up the stairs to her room, followed closely by Hermione, and leaving behind a very upset Fleur and an extremely annoyed Molly. Ginny closed the door of her room quite angrily.
"Thank goodness!" said Hermione sitting in her bed "I thought we would never get rid of her"
"Me too, she's just so awful, Phlegm that is." stated Ginny making a sound of pure frustration.
"I totally agree." said Hermione nodding vehemently. Tonks was listening to the girls, barely interested, while thinking in the best way of getting Molly alone for a talk.
"She could 'ave hit mee."sneered Ginny in an almost perfect imitation of Fleur's accent and both her and Hermione laughed hard at that but Tonks didn't even smile. A few months before she would have probably found the situation quite humorous but right then she simply didn't feel like laughing "I wonder what has gotten into Bill to choose her for his Fiancée."
"Why is it that she doesn't like me?" asked Tonks sitting on Ginny's bed. She wasn't really curious about that but she had this feeling that they would let her go sooner if she settled a conversation. The thing was that she really needed Molly's counsel but she didn't want to disappoint the girls, and they were counting on her company.
"Oh, come on Tonks, you don't know?" said Ginny exasperatedly. Tonks waited silently trying her best to hide her lack of curiosity. If she was to tell the truth she couldn't care less about Fleur and what she thought about her. She had so many problems to face; Greyback, Death Eaters, Voldemort and… Remus, so many problems that Fleur's opinion on her seamed to be a very insignificant thing. "She's jealous of course" Tonks stared astonished at Ginny after her unexpected statement and she could see, by the corner of her eye, Hermione nodded her agreement "Yes, absolutely jealous… I mean, your friends with Bill and Mom likes you more than she likes her of course… well everybody likes you more than they like her actually.
"Except for Ron!" said Hermione bitterly.
"And Bill." added Tonks with a relieved sigh but the girls must have get the wrong impression for they were both looking at her intently.
"You really like Bill, don't you?" asked Ginny grinning. "Please tell me you do!"
"Well, he's my friend, of course I like him!" said Tonks evenly. Both girls exchanged doubtful looks but none of them insisted on it. "Well believe me he is my friend and I'm happy for his marriage. I truly hope he and Fleur to be very happy together." she said seriously not wanting the girls to misunderstand her.
"All right, I guess I'll have to believe in your word." said Ginny obviously disappointed "But mom likes you anyway and Phlegm's jealous, that's why she doesn't like you." she finished matter-of-factly. Tonks didn't say anything for a while pondering in Ginny's words. It was not like she cared about it but, at least, it made sense now why Fleur was always mistreating her.
"When will Harry arrive?" she asked anxious to change the dangerous subject that involved her love life. She certainly didn't want the conversation to get to the man she loved and she suspected that, if they kept discussing her friendship with Bill, they would get there sooner or later.
"I think he'll arrive tomorrow." said Ginny calmly "At least that's what Dumbledore said."
"Just as long as he doesn't go drooling over Phlegm. Ron is always doing it" said Hermione resentfully.
"Ron, and what about Harry?" protested Ginny distractedly "Did you see him during fourth year? He concealed it better than Ron, I admit it, but he was always staring at her."
"I know but… Oh Ron is so stupid sometimes." finished Hermione closing her hands furiously on her lap.
Both girls started to complain about boys and their stupidity towards love related issues. For a while Tonks remained there silently, hearing everything they had to say about Ron and Harry's idiocy and even something about this Dean and Viktor Krum, whom they seemed to have in high regard.
She was used to that, Ginny and Hermione seemed to have found a confident in her and they went to her every time they needed some advice or even just for a talk about boys. They actually seemed to confide in her most of their secrets and she had felt contented with it, flattered even; and she had always listened to them and often offered counsel. But now, who was she to give advice if she couldn't even get the man of her life who, she was sure, was downright in love with her. Apparently she was a complete failure in what concerned to romantic issues, she thought dryly.
"Men are just silly sometimes, you know?" she said when she perceived that the girls had finally stopped talking and were staring at her waiting for her reassuring words. "They just can't see what's in front of their eyes." she sounded a little bitter but the girls seemed to have taken no notice, lost as they were on their own love problems.
"Do you reckon that Ron will grow up someday?" asked Hermione in a low and depressed tone of voice.
"Of course he will." Tonks tried to sound amused but she failed completely "And let me tell you one thing, to both of you, don't you ever, ever give up on the men you love, okay? Someday they will have to give in." she finished more to convince herself than the girls but it seemed to have had the desired effect on them because both, Hermione and Ginny, were beaming now.
"You see why you are so much better than Phlegm, Tonks?" said Ginny grinning to her "It's so good to talk to you! You know, it's strange to talk to my mum and…" she made a sound of frustration "Phlegm is just so… annoying… I wouldn't ever talk about boys with her."
"I agree with Ginny, you always have good advice, Tonks!" stated Hermione cheerfully.
"I do what I can, although I don't know if my advice is that good." she said with honesty. Tonks was feeling extremely down while thinking that her own counsels didn't work out with her. But then again her situation was very different from the girls'. Hermione liked Ron who was too silly to understand her feelings and, instead of asking her out, he was always crooning over Fleur. But Tonks knew that he was a nice boy and that he liked Hermione; he was just this natural oblivious boy, but he would come around someday and realize how he felt for Hermione. And Ginny… although she wouldn't confess it Tonks knew that she still liked Harry more than she showed. She talked a lot about this Dean with whom she was dating but… Tonks was sure that it was nothing more than a good tactic to get Harry's attention. She was sure that he would notice Ginny pretty soon; ecspecially because he didn't have a girlfriend at the moment.
As for herself, she was in love with a man that was doing his best to avoid her and she was running out of ways of trying to make him understand the importance he had in her life. And, although she was sure that there was no other woman in Remus' life, she just couldn't find a way to break his will. She wasn't the kind of woman to use jealousy as a method of getting a man's interest and, besides, probably he wouldn't feel jealous or, even if he did, nothing would change between them. No matter what she did he wouldn't ever surrender because he didn't want to hurt her… only he was hurting her so much.
"Tonks, Tonks are you listening to me?" Ginny interrupted her thoughts and she gazed at her in confusion. "Thinking about Bill?" asked the young girl in hope.
"What? Oh sorry… I… I liked chatting with you girls but… well if you don't mind I'll just go downstairs now…" Tonks said completely out of the blue. She stood up nervously and perceived that Hermione was watching her worriedly.
"Are… are you okay Tonks?" she asked timidly and it seemed like she was trying to decide if she should ask her something else; but in the end Hermione closed her mouth and waited for an answer. Tonks knew that she wanted to talk about Sirius, they had tried to bring the issue up a couple of times but she didn't want to talk about it. She suspected now that Hermione had come to the conclusion that Remus and her had been talking about Sirius the day before, that he had been consoling her. She could perceive that the girl had no idea about hers and Remus' complicated relationship. "I'm fine, don't worry. I just reckon I'd also like to talk to Molly a bit and… I think she would like to have my company for a while." she explained managing to give them a faint smile and the girls seemed convinced; Ginny was even smiling now.
"You're right I guess she probably needs someone to make Phlegm go away… and I guess you're the right one to do it." she joked and both her and Hermione broke into a fit of laughter.
"Well, anyway… you know you can always count on me." said Tonks, again without smiling and she left the room hurriedly with the clear impression that, at least Ginny, was hoping that she somehow became interested in Bill. If they really thought that she could fall for him, they could not be more distant from the truth.
Tonks actually stood around for dinner but she barely touched the food and Molly kept insisting on her to eat but she just couldn't do it. The only thing that she wanted right then was to talk about Remus; she needed someone to help her, to offer her a solution to all her problems. After dinner she was starting to wonder when she would have an opportunity to talk to Molly alone because it was proving an almost impossible task. She was about to give up and go home when Fleur started to talk loudly about her plans for the wedding, which annoyed Molly so much that she ruined her knitting. When her complaints became louder than Fleur's rambling everyone got it as a cue to go to bed.
Tonks knew it was her chance and, in fact and despite the lateness of the hour, Molly asked her to stay and keep her company until Arthur got back home; he was working late every night according to her. Tonks followed her to the kitchen while Molly complained vehemently about Fleur.
"Do you want help, Molly?" she asked feeling a little awkward standing there motionless while her friend ordered the kitchen.
"No, thanks dear just sit down, all right?" She complied feeling all of a sudden uncertain of how to start a conversation. It was not an easy thing to do, talking about her emotions, ecspecially because she was feeling very down. Well at least she wouldn't have to put up with Molly trying to hook her up with Bill like the girls.
Molly, who had kept complaining, finally looked back after leaving the dishes washing themselves on the sink and, when her eyes met Tonks' sorrowed features she paused suddenly.
"Oh dear, you wanted to talk to me, didn't you? I understood it before dinner, I'm so sorry if I forgot about that." she said worriedly "It's just that Fleur… well nevermind. You're so sad and you haven't eaten properly at dinner. I'll get you at least a mug of tea.
"No, Molly it's not necessary really!" said Tonks but Molly wasn't paying her attention as she was hurrying to prepare her tea.
"I'm getting very worried about you, Tonks" she continued hastily "Do you want to stay for the night, dear? I'm sure we can arrange space and…"
"No Molly, thanks but… I just want to talk."
"All right!" Molly filled a cup of hot tea and put it in Tonks' hands. She then smoothed her old green dressing gown and waited patiently. Tonks was gathering her courage and she was about to speak up when Molly interrupted her thoughts.
"I did it on purpose, you know?" she said tentatively "I have been inviting you two for dinner so that you can talk.
"Excuse me?" Tonks glanced at her friend confused.
"Oh Tonks don't be silly, I've already been your age, you know? Besides I have seven children and all of them have suffered for love already, though they wouldn't ever admitted it to me. I know the signs, and I know for quite long that you two are much more than just friends. I perceived you must have had a fight because suddenly both of you started acting quite coldly and strangely towards one another. That's why I haven't warned you lately every time I invited him also, I was afraid that you and him wouldn't want to come and meet each other. No, don't interrupt me, let me finish." said Molly when Tonks opened her mouth to talk "Yesterday I tried again I invited you both for dinner. That's why I was upstairs, to let you be together alone… that and to escape from that Fleur but she found me anyway and I had to listen to her nagging me with her plans for the marriage… I mean… oh, you know what I think of her. Anyway I wanted you two to meet and talk to each other… alone.
"Who… what are you talking about, Molly?" asked Tonks suddenly uncertain of what to say in face of Molly's honesty. She had been right about her, she had done it on purpose.
"Who? Remus of course, who else could it be?" answered Molly with a small knowing smile. Tonks stared at her blankly for one second and then she fixed her gaze on the mug of tea. When she felt a hand on her shoulder she looked up again and found Molly's sympathetic eyes. She had sat at the table across from her. "I know you came to the Burrow today to talk to me and here I am. Now what's happened, why did you have a fight, did you tell him how you feel?"
Tonks thought hard for a minute, two days after her decision she finally had a chance and she was not going to pull back.
"Oh Molly!" she released a tormented sigh and wiped a tear from her eyes. "It's been so hard, he has been pushing me aside and he doesn't let me come close to him. And… and I feel so bad and powerless and I love him so much…" she trailed off gazing tearfully at her friend.
"Oh dear, you're in love, I knew it." Molly patted Tonks' hands nervously. "I suspected that for a long time ago and I don't blame you. It is not very difficult, when you come to think about it; he's quite charming, you are both young… it's the most natural thing to happen, ecspecially between good friends as yourselves. Now tell me what went wrong?"
"I… I… well, I told him how I feel and well… not that he has confessed or anything but… but I know he loves me back Molly, I know!" finished Tonks firmly knowing that she was not making much sense but… she had so much to say. Tonks had her speech planned but suddenly she couldn't remember her words, all she knew was that she needed to talk, to tell someone how she felt, she needed comfort and help… she needed a friend.
"Of course he loves you back!" said Molly soothingly reminding Tonks why she had chosen her for a confident "Now tell me everything from the beginning, dear. What happened when he found out about your feelings?"
"All right, I'll try." she said feebly "You see when I told him how I feel he… well he practically told me that he feels the same way but… he just… he just refuses to let me be a part of his life, to become a part of my life, he just…" Tonks sighed, a tremulous and poignant sigh.
"I see." Molly said softly "But what I don't understand is why is he being so stubborn for I know for sure that he loves you. Well, probably he's afraid of hurting you somehow because he is a Werewolf and…
"Yes, that's exactly what he said." interrupted Tonks sadly "He said that he can't be with me because he is a Werewolf."
"I knew it, silly man, do you care about that, I mean, the fact that he is a Werewolf?" asked Molly patiently as if she already knew the answer.
"Of course not!" retorted Tonks indignantly.
"I thought so, have you told him that?"
"Yes!" whispered Tonks gloomily and she covered her face with both hands "I don't understand why he is reacting like this. He said that being a Werewolf is a too risky thing for starting a love life, how stupid is that… so what if he is a Werewolf?" said Tonks fiercely, her voice muffled by her hands.
"That's ridiculous, if you ask me, I mean if you both take care nothing could happen." Tonks lifted her eyes thankfully to Molly.
"That's exactly what I told him, Molly!" she said feeling comprehended for the first time "I don't care if he's a Werewolf, I love him and that's all that matters to me… but I guess that's not enough for him."
"It is enough, believe me!" assured Molly steadily "I'm sure that your love is very important to him as it is the fact that you don't mind if he is a Werewolf. He's been through so much prejudice in his life that I'm sure that it means a lot to him finding someone who accepts him… to find a woman who accepts his whole being.
"Maybe you're right but anyway…"
"You are very important to him, Tonks. Don't you ever doubt it." interrupted Molly firmly and Tonks fell silent for a brief moment trying to decide what to respond to that, seeing as she was extremely depressed at the moment.
"Well, I don't know Molly…" she finally said "… my love is practically unrequited he…"
"No it's not, I'm sure Remus loves you." persisted Molly yet again.
"I know he loves me, that's not what I meant…" said Tonks tiredly "I mean, he barely shows how he feels and… he still has to utter the words… yet I know how he feels. But the fact is that he doesn't care about me and my feelings." she finished bitterly.
"Of course he cares but…"
"His newest excuse is Greyback, can you believe it? Remus is afraid that Greyback comes for me if he finds out about our involvement." she laughed bitterly "Like I couldn't deal with a useless Death Eater…"
"Which is a ferocious Werewolf." interrupted Molly with a frightened shiver and Tonks frowned at her "He's not like Remus dear, I've heard that this… Werewolf, this Greyback kills people… children mostly and bites them for pleasure. I mean, I understand Remus' worries Tonks, he loves you deeply and it's more than natural that he fears for your safety what with all those deaths and vanishings that had been happening lately. Think about it, Amelia Bones, she had an important position in the Ministry and… and Emeline Vance, she was a member of the Order of the Phoenix…
"I know, I'm worried about him too" said Tonks, her voice quivering "he's risking a lot being with the other Werewolves and I'm terrified but he doesn't care about me and my fears and…"
"Oh dear don't be unfair, he cares so much about you that he prefers to be alone than to risk hurting you." stated Molly, interrupting her complains. "Although I have to confess that he's been acting ridiculously in my opinion. You love him and he loves you, I can't see where the problem is. I mean, his reasons are valid but… but I honestly think that you could find a way to be together through all of this."
"Thanks Molly, it's great to know that at least you understand me" said Tonks feeling a little less unhappier "Merlin, why does he have to be so stubborn?" she finished digging her fingers nervously in her hair and Molly stared at her for a second with a very serious expression on her face.
"I'm so glad that you think this way Tonks, I'm really glad." she said slowly "I always knew you were the right woman for Remus. I understood you two had a bond ever since the beginning and just watching you together is enough to see that you were meant to be. It's… you two connect in a way that… I don't know, I guess it's something magical.
"You can tell that?" said Tonks and she even managed a faint smile "You know Molly, you're absolutely right, Remus and I… we have a powerful bond. We'll never be separated, no matter how much he tries." Molly smiled pensively.
"I know I've encouraged you to be with him, but I did it because I really think he deserves a girlfriend. I know you are the right one; you are nice, brave, joyful and… most importantly, you love him." Molly paused studying Tonks' features that were amazed at her words "I don't regret what I've done, not even a little bit. I know he is going to give in sometime, love always wins. Now, drink that tea. Maybe I should have made you a hot chocolate instead. Do you want me to prepare one, it will make you feel better." she finished in a soft tone of voice and Tonks felt hot tears streaming her eyes again.
"No, Molly, thanks. It's not necessary but… Remus would have said the same thing." she stated sobbing a little bit while her heart ached in sorrow.
"Oh dear…" said Molly even more worried and apparently clueless of what to do or say to calm her down.
"It hurts Molly, I love him so much that it hurts when he's not around."
"I know, I know" said Molly soothingly.
"Maybe… maybe I'm just not good enough, I'm just…"
"Don't be silly Tonks, I've just told you that you are the right woman for Remus; and he knows that you're the right woman for him. He loves you; maybe he just needs some time to get used to the idea that he, no longer, needs to be alone.
"But Molly I…"
"He is really difficult with girls, you know?" interrupted Molly changing the subject abruptly "I've heard countless of stories told by Sirius." they both fell silent at the name Molly had pronounced. Tonks mind was filled with images of her cousin's joyfulness; all the times he had made fun of her and Remus… and she had to hold back her tears again. It was all so unfair he didn't deserve dying after spending so much time in Azkaban for a crime he hadn't committed. He deserved to be there with them, still joking about Remus and her maybe he could help somehow.
"You were saying Molly?" asked Tonks with a sad sigh after clearing her voice.
"Oh, yes well he commented with Bill and Arthur about Remus' life during his school years and used to make jokes about him…" Tonks smiled briefly, it was so typical of Sirius rambling about everybody's lives "… anyway he told that Remus was far more popular amongst girls at school than he knew or even suspected.
"Oh, I've heard some stories too!" Tonks said feeling suddenly more than a little annoyed by the issue but she tried to conceal it.
"Yes, well Sirius was not one to keep his mouth shut, you know?" Molly smiled shaking her head "But the thing is that Remus was always nice to everyone, extremely polite, handsome, the most gentle, kind and respectful of the group of friends and so distant…" Molly seemed to be lost in her thoughts as if she was talking alone and Tonks found herself agreeing with each of Remus qualities. He was all that and so much more, no wonder that girls liked him at school, no wonder she had fallen so deep for him "… He didn't perceive it and, anyway, he wouldn't let many girls come closer to him because of his problem but many of them fell for him." suddenly Tonks felt a prang of strong jealousy just to imagine all the girls who had been even near Remus, whether they were classmates, friends or… girlfriends.
"I see." She said harshly not managing to avoid the bitterness on her voice. She had never felt so jealous before, so possessive of someone.
"Oh, but with you it's very different, he loves you and he can't conceal it as much as he tries to." Molly said knowingly she had paused in deep thought and Tonks felt her heart leap at her motivating words. She waited in silence not daring to say anything in fear of not finding her voice "Do you remember last year when we were talking about Remus and his love life, that day you went to pick Harry from his relatives' house? You were telling me that he wouldn't ever look at you and he interrupted my retort." Tonks nodded silently, her heartbeats accelerated with the sweet memory of that day "Well, I was going to say that Remus looks at you yes, and quite a lot if you ask me." Molly smiled at her wickedly and Tonks drew in a deep breath "Oh, yes Remus always noticed you, a lot really… the times I caught him observing you discreetly… and I actually think that he is a little jealous of Bill, can you believe it?" Tonks smiled half-heartedly still trying to control the drumming of her heartbeats just to know that Remus had always noticed her, that she somehow had ever been different from other girls to him.
"Honestly Molly, Remus jealous of Bill?" she said although she was feeling flattered by his supposed jealousy "Bill is my friend and he is going to get married."
"I know" Molly said a little bitter "but it's what it seems. Although he doesn't have reasons to be jealous seeing as you love him and Bill… well Bill's got himself bewitched by a half-veela." she finished angrily.
"Well, anyway the fact is that Remus doesn't want to be with me." said Tonks sadly after clearing her throat "And Molly the worst is that I'm loosing my powers. I can't metamorphose anymore." she finished weakly.
"Oh dear, it's normal that you're losing your powers." said Molly sympathetically after a pause "It's sadness doing her job. But don't worry about it; you still such a beautiful young lady and you will recover as soon as…"
"But what can I do, what can I say to make him understand?" asked Tonks knowing that she sounded desperate "He's the reason why I ended up this powerless and he's the one who can heal me, only he's not willing to and I don't know what else to do, I just don't know, Molly." she finished with a loud sob.
"Oh dear, I don't know what to tell you, I wish I could change his mind." said Molly kindly.
"I guess he had made up his mind already, he'll never let me be with him." A single tear rolled down her cheek and Tonks wiped it with the back of her hand.
"Whatever you do Tonks, never give up on him." pleaded Molly anxiously "Please don't do it, that would only destroy you both."
"Never, I'll never give up on him." said Tonks firmly lifting her eyes to Molly so that she could see the sincerity of her statement.
"Good, because he deserves your kind of love, you just need to keep insisting. He can't resist forever, now can he?" Molly gave her a small, encouraging smile.
"I hope not." said Tonks gloomily.
"Merlin this is insane, Remus is only making you both suffer with his absurd actions." continued Molly and Tonks nodded taking a sip of her already cold tea. "Well, of course he will come around when he sees what he's doing to you because of his stubbornness. You just wait, when I talk to him he'll…"
"No please! He wouldn't understand Molly and he is going to be upset with you." interrupted Tonks hurriedly.
"Remus is like my younger brother, you know? I've lost Gideon and Fabian many years ago and I kind of adopted him when we met." explained Molly half-smiling "I want the best for him; I know what's best for him. I'll talk to Remus and bring him back to reason. He'll have to listen to me… He'll listen to me, I'm sure" she finished resolutely with a reassuring smile.
"No Molly please, he'll think that I asked you to do it, which I didn't as you full well know… Merlin, I'm talking nonsense now." Tonks closed her eyes for a brief second.
"All right, all right dear." said Molly hastily to calm her down "But you can talk to him… maybe one of this days when he's coming for dinner."
"No, I can't, I don't know how I'm going to react if I'll see him again. I'm not sure if I can endure his indifference one more time." whispered Tonks, her voice crackling in dismay "Besides I don't want him to see me like this again. He'll just think I'm weak, I mean this plain brown hair… he knows I would hardly use it unless I couldn't change it. And… and… I have so much work to do Molly, I barely have time for these… reunions. It's the Order and the Auror work, you know with all this Death Eater activity, Aurors are much needed." these were valid excuses but what worried her the most was that she was afraid that Remus wouldn't come if she was there. He needed this family more than her; he was so completely alone, he had nobody else besides the Weasleys… and her. Although he wouldn't accept her love, she thought feeling a lump forming in her throat.
"Alright, it was just a suggestion but think about it please" asked Molly softly. Tonks fell silent fixing her stare in the mug of tea, all the while feeling Molly's worried gaze on her.
"Thank you for listening to me Molly, I really appreciate it. You see, I'm not talking to my mum because…" she swallowed another sob but she felt the need to explain herself to Molly "… because I don't even know if she'd approve my feelings and… and right now the less I need is more impediments, I've had enough with his resistance."
"I'm sure that your parents will respect your choice Tonks but, anyway you came to the right place because I know you both very well and I can try to help you." she said in a comforting tone of voice "Although right now I really don't know what to say to soothe you. I wish I could help you more effectively.
"Well, you made me feel better Molly but…" suddenly three knocks on the door startled them both. Molly got up hastily and headed towards the door.
"It can't be Dumbledore already." she muttered furrowing her eyebrows "Who's there?" she asked nervously but Tonks felt strangely calm and numb "Declare yourself!"
"It is I, Dumbledore, bringing Harry." answered the familiar voice of the Hogwarts Headmaster and Molly opened the door at once.
"Harry, dear! Gracious, Albus, you gave me a fright, you said not to expect you before morning!"
"We were lucky," said Dumbledore ushering Harry over the threshold "Slughorn proved much more persuadable than I had expected. Harry's doing, of course. Ah, hello, Nymphadora!"
"Hello, professor," she said still sitting at the table, clutching the large mug between her hands. "Wotcher, Harry." she finished smiling forcibly at him. Any other time, she would have been very happy to see Harry but right then she was just emotionless.
"Hi, Tonks." greeted the boy. She knew that Harry had noticed her different appearance, she looked tired, apprehensive, colourless, gloomy and even ill, but she didn't want to think about it just then.
"I'd better be off," she said quickly perceiving that Molly and her had been talking for a long time and that it was late. She didn't want questions asked by Harry or… even worse, Dumbledore so she stood up and pulled her cloak around her own shoulders. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly."
"Please don't leave on my account," said Dumbledore courteously "I can not stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour."
"No, no, I need to get going," she said, not meeting Dumbledore's eyes so that he wouldn't see how miserable she was feeling inside "'Night"
"Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming?"
"No, really, Molly… thanks anyway… goodnight, everyone."
She hurried past Dumbledore and Harry into the yard. A few paces beyond the doorstep, she turned on the spot and de-apparated to her home knowing full well that she had left behind a very troubled Molly, a suspicious Harry and… probably a knowing Dumbledore.
Remus was looking at the pale sky in great awe. It was almost nightfall, full moon night, and fellow Werewolves were swarming the hidden valley just above the cave where they had been living. Everybody was talking excitedly about the upcoming full Moon. But for Remus it would only be another tough night, without even the comfort of having someone waiting for him to heal his physical and mental wounds when the night had ended; the comfort of having Nymphadora waiting for him. And he had only himself to blame, after all he had done everything in his power to push her out of his life and probably, this time, he had managed it. He had never seen her so defeated like the last time they had talked, she hadn't even tried to kiss him, like she had been doing every time they had met lately, he thought feeling all the more unhappier.
Last Sunday when he had been at the Burrow he had been eagerly expecting to see her but she hadn't been there. Remus knew that he and Nymphadora shouldn't see each other but he couldn't stop himself from wanting to be with her, to see her even if only from distance. But she hadn't been at the Burrow that day and he hadn't seen her since their last fight at the Weasley's home. He missed her so much and he was so worried about her, about her safety. He couldn't help but wonder how she was, what she had been doing lately, how many dangers she had had to put up with all those Death Eaters on the loose.
What worried him the most was that she was so down lately, because of him. Their entire situation seemed to have weakened her because she was loosing her power and, as fighter as she was, with her defences lowered she might get herself caught and that was his great fear. If something happened to her he… well he had meant what he had said back then about Greyback. He would kill any person who dared harming her in any way but… that would not be enough to comfort him. He would be completely and irremediably shattered and nothing nor anyone would ever be able to mend him if she…
That was why he rather not having her in his life, that would only put her in more danger, so he was putting all his effort in keeping her away. He had joined the Werewolves again without even saying goodbye to her and he hadn't sent news to her ever since, not to anybody anyway, it would be something like a give away. But he thought that not sending news to her meant more, he wanted to end her grieving, to make her forget him as much as it hurt him… as much as it tore him apart.
The laughter of a bunch of Werewolves near him brought him back to reality. Remus heard their plans for that night and shivered inwardly at so much cruelty. Greyback was marshalling Werewolves for Voldemort. Most of them were happy with his encouragement for them to kill at will; others were just interested in a better life which, they believed, would come when Voldemort got the power. Remus had tried his best to dissuade them but only two seemed to be unsure that day. He sighed in frustration; when Dumbledore had asked him to do the job he had accepted it immediately and he would do his best to fulfil the task but it wasn't easy to gain their trust. It was being really difficult to talk them round especially because he was not very trustworthy, having clearly lived among Wizards. Besides almost all Werewolves were at Voldemort's side; they believed that their marginal life would improve under his rule. Greyback had convinced them that they deserved blood and was encouraging them to seek revenge against normal people. It was not easy to dissuade them seeing as the wizarding laws were strict and rigid against all Werewolves, good or bad, as Remus full well knew.
He had had done all he could that afternoon but now it was time to go; with the approaching of the night he didn't want to take the risk of being free to harm anyone in his Werewolf form. He would have to leave as soon as possible so he searched a hidden spot under a dense group of trees and de-apparated discreetly to the only place he could remember to be the safest of them all. Remus waited until his eyes were accustomed to the gloomy place just to see that he was standing in a dusty and dishevelled room. The whole place was decaying; the paper on the walls was falling down, the floor was dirty and the furniture was broken and destroyed. He hadn't been to this place for a long time, his old refuge, the Shrieking Shack.
He had been using random places to lock himself during the full moon but that night he had wanted to go back there, to the house that he had used as a hideout when he was just a boy. Remus had a profound loathing by that shack, it was connected to the worst part of himself, but yet it remembered him of the good times he had had with his friends. And he needed to recall something good, something that soothed the pain of having destroyed a life, the life of the most perfect human being on earth. Even there, in that shabby and gloomy place, he couldn't stop himself from thinking of her, Nymphadora was in his mind every second of every day. What hurt him the most was watching her grieving, she didn't deserve this. That bright and happy woman, who he hadn't seen shed a single tear before Sirius had died, was always crying lately and he had done it all by himself. He was nothing but a monster belonging to the gloomy side of the moon, even in his human form he only caused destruction around himself; ever since he was just a boy. Dumbledore had spread the word that the house was haunted but it was him, Remus, who had frightened the villagers with his howls. He had been the one destroying the shack with each and every transformation. He had done it, his irrational self actually… the werewolf who, not having anyone to hurt, had harm himself and destroyed that whole place.
He was still the same inconsequent he had been when he was a boy, he had had fun with his friends while a Werewolf, knowing full well that something could have been wrong and that he could have bitten someone. And now, an adult man, he had fallen in love and permitted that a young lady fell in love with him, knowing perfectly well that this love was impossible to concretise. Remus was becoming even more frustrated and miserable than ever and he knew it was because of the approaching moon. And the fact was that being inside that place was not helping him at all. It brought him awful memories of his school years, those days when he hadn't had Wolfsbane potion to help him, just like now. Those days he hadn't had Nymphadora by his side… just like now. Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm down. Searching his memory for something good he remembered that day just before Christmas when his attachment to Nymphadora became absolutely impossible to ignore.
Flashback
Remus was sitting in his bed at Grimmauld Place, his hands hiding his face; that night it would be full moon and he was not feeling so well. Since he had left Hogwarts, Snape hadn't found a reason to prepare him Wolfsbane potion and he wouldn't ever ask, unless he knew somebody close to him was in real danger. That was why Remus had been searching for a new place to recluse himself during each and every full moon; and that was what he was about to do, he had to leave for his hideout. It was December, Christmas was approaching and the kids would be arriving soon for the Holidays. But they were not at risk; the full moon would be gone before their arrival. He didn't want to stay at Grimmauld Place, even with all the spells in the world, because he was afraid of harming Molly or… Nymphadora… she was always around. Suddenly a soft knock on the door brought him back to reality.
"Come in." he said weakly but whoever was in the other side must have heard him because the door fell slowly open and, in a flash of pink hair, someone tripped into the room. A beautiful someone, actually, in fashionable jeans and lime green blouse.
"Nymphadora!" he almost shouted feeling all of a sudden extremely startled. Hadn't he just been thinking that he wouldn't like to harm her? What was she doing in his bedroom, that day of all days?
"Hi, Remus!" she answered with a large smile " Sorry, I didn't want to bother you… and I'd never guess I would scare you all that much." she laughed brightly and he felt that familiar stirring he use to feel whenever she laughed, or smiled, or…
"It's not that." said Remus trying to push his thoughts away "It's just that tonight it's the full moon and you really shouldn't…"
"Oh, don't be silly Remus, I know it's the full moon, but honestly it's noon what can possibly happen?" she laughed again, her laugh was the most genuine he had ever heard in his life, and he tried to ignore his strange feelings. "Anyway, you know I'm not afraid of you." she finished cheekily.
"What are you doing here anyway?" he asked feeling even more worried at her boldness.
"Do I need a motive to visit you?" she joked lightly but when he waited silently, becoming more tense by the minute, she continued, smiling as she went "Well in fact I have a motive, are you happy? I was hoping you hadn't left for your hideout yet. I'm here exactly because of the full moon, just so you know." said Nymphadora more seriously giving him a concerned look and then she smiled, her most innocent smile, and he felt his heart warm in the spot. She had that power of making him feel good no matter what the situation he was living.
"Are you insane?" he said profoundly apprehensive while he shook away his more than dangerous thoughts. "After all what are you still doing here, it's too risky. And in fact I was about to leave to other place, I can't stay in this house now, can I?" he finished totally alarmed and he stood up to leave but she grabbed his hand to stop him and he felt the expected shivers running through him; it happened every single time they touched, although he couldn't explain why.
"Yes you can!" she kept on, smiling mysteriously "You see, I've brought you something." Nymphadora handed him a goblet that, only now he had noticed, she had been holding between her hands. "I meant to give you this." He grabbed the steaming goblet and sat back on his bed staring at her confused.
"Wolfsbane?" he asked sensing the recognizable unpleasant smell.
"Yes, it's Wolfsbane potion!" she answered smiling proudly.
"Where did you get it? You told me you didn't know how to do it and actually it's to complicated" he said feeling all the more puzzled.
"Well, as I told you before, I'm not all that good in brewing potions, for which I blame my professor… Snape, you know?" they both laughed at that. "But well I've bought it, since your dear friend and my favourite professor Snape is not willing to prepare it for you anymore since you left your teaching position at Hogwarts" she said jokingly and Remus stopped laughing all of a sudden at her words. She had bought him Wolfsbane, why? He thought numbly "Now seriously go on, drink that thing."
"Why did you do it?" he asked feeling at the same time flattered and astounded at her gesture "It's not easy to find and it's far too expensive… and… and it's not really necessary. I just need to find a place to hide and…"
"It's not necessary?" she sighed impatiently "Honestly, Remus of course it is necessary, look I know it hurts… the transformation, I've read about it, I've studied about it also and I don't want you to suffer so…
"Well…" he paused uncertain of what to say, as his heart was full of emotions caused by her kindness… her gentle words, her… presence. Nobody had ever been so worried about him and he felt so… grateful to this young and gentle woman. Suddenly he felt the urge to hug her small frame, to kiss her hands, to…
"I can't do this…" he said decidedly "you shouldn't have worried Nymphadora, I don't deserve it, I…
"My name is Tonks and why are you saying those stupid things?" she asked fiercely and Remus perceived that she was very angry, she rarely corrected him nowadays about the use of her name.
"I'm not worth it you know. It's just…" he paused with a sigh "You can't go and buy Wolfsbane every time I need it. I mean I appreciate your gesture Nymphadora, I truly do and… no one has ever done this for me before… well Dumbledore did but… it's… it's different we had to protect the students, but you…" he shook his head trying to organize his thoughts "I'm not going to drink this." he finished while placing the goblet over a table.
"Why?" she asked simply, her voice trembling in emotion, her beautiful eyes filled with tears.
"Please, try to understand Tonks…" he began tiredly hoping that her tears wouldn't fall. The last thing he wanted was to see her crying "if I drink this now you will insist in buy more and more and I just can't depend on you forever."
"Please Remus, I know you don't want help and you certainly don't need charity… but I'm not doing this because I feel sorry for you or whatsoever. I'm doing this because…" she trailed of, breathing heavily, and he waited anxiously for her to finish the sentence "… because I… I like you very much and I am your friend and… and you deserve it, you worth it, so don't say you don't. Now listen to me I want to help you and I don't want you to suffer so please, please let me do something for you, even if it's just this time… now drink that already" she finished suddenly unsteady, even somehow embarrassed at her outburst. Remus stared at her momentarily speechless. Nobody had ever done or said anything like that for him, anything so altruistic so… sweet. And he was being washed by a warm feeling, a strange sensation of fulfillness, something he had never felt before. Nymphadora was looking at him nervously and he took a deep breath. She had talked in a soft voice and there were still tears in her eyes, her pleading words were still ringing in his head… he couldn't deny her anything right then, ecspecially because she had asked in such a sweet and passionate voice.
"Well I… I guess I…" his voice caught in his throat and he grabbed the goblet instead, staring at it silently.
"Well the moon's almost out. I'm not leaving before you drink that so if you don't do it in about…" she paused checking her clock "… the next six or seven remaining hours you'll transform with me here and all dangerous, remember?" she pointed out jokingly. Remus looked at her, a renewed beautiful smile lightening her soft features, and he was ran by an unpleasant shiver just by imagining that dreadful image of her being there when he was transforming; so he drank the potion at once, draining the goblet without even pausing to breathe.
Nymphadora had kneeled at the bottom of his bed while he drank the potion, watching him closely while biting her lower lip in great concern.
"This is awful you know?" Remus shivered and grimaced while gazing at the still steaming goblet and then he gave her a soothing smile.
"I can imagine! They told there's nothing we can do to make it taste better." said Nymphadora still very worried "Is it true, I mean couldn't we add some sugar or something?"
"Unfortunately not!" he laughed trying to light their humour for she seemed sick of concern by then.
"But it's better than feeling the pain of transforming, isn't it?" she added still staring at him anxiously and he smiled warmly feeling a lurch on his very heart at her kind words.
"Don't worry about me, I'm already used to the transformations." he whispered throatily smiling thankfully to her.
"Oh, but I do worry about you, and I don't want you to suffer anymore." she caressed his hair softly and he couldn't help but to shut his eyes at her gentle, warm touch. She was so close to him that she was making him feel light-headed… he would love to lean forward and… Remus opened his eyes brusquely in order to push away that thought that had just occurred him. Feeling slightly embarrassed of his own thoughts he carefully withdrew a little from her; but she seemed to have taken no notice because she didn't move. It was not the first time that the thought have crossed his mind… kissing Nymphadora but he erased it almost immediately. It was stupid really, she was his adorable friend who had just done a wonderful thing for him and he only wanted to thank her.
"You better leave now, I want to be alone when the time comes." he said after a brief pause during which he had tried to make his voice come out clear. Although he had failed miserably, when he had talked his voice was drenched in emotion and his heart was still thudding hard in his chest.
"Why, you have taken the potion, I could keep you company for tonight…"
"No." shouted Remus terrorized but he regret it immediately when he saw the hurt expression on her face "I'm sorry Nymphadora, I would love to have your company, really, it's just that I would prefer if you didn't see me transforming.
"But, why?" she asked indignantly.
"Let's just say it's not pretty to see!"
"I know that, but at least you wouldn't be alone" she kept on stubbornly "And besides it's not the transformation I want to watch, I just want to be with you. At least once you could have someone by your side without the risk of hurting anyone."
"No, Nymphadora it's too dangerous and…" he trailed of trying to find something to discourage her from staying "… you might never want to look at my face again after presenting such horror.
"What? Nonsense." she laughed brightly at his words "First of all there's no risk, and watching your transformation wouldn't ever change my opinion to bad, if something I would like you and respect you even more." Remus stared at Nymphadora in wonder; he felt more flattered than he had ever felt in his life and his voice caught in his throat by emotion. In a world where people were afraid of even being in the same place as him, the man; she was willing to spend the night beside him in his Werewolf form. That was so much more than he had ever expected from a friend let alone a woman. He wanted to tell her how much that meant to him but he couldn't quite find the words.
"I appreciate your gesture Nymphadora, I really do; but please try to understand, I'm afraid for you and I'm not willing to try this, all right?"
"Oh, but I really want to stay, please let me stay just for tonight" she begged, a bit of fascination in her tone.
"No, and that's my final answer."
"All right." she finished clearly disappointed "If that's what you really want.
"Yes it is, thank you!" he agreed feeling greatly relieved with her agreement. Nymphadora stared at him for a brief while studying his tired features and then she smiled warmly.
"All right I'll go, but don't you think I'm leaving this place tonight." His heart sank in utter dismay.
"What? You can't…
"I'll be spending the night in Grimmauld Place Remus, and that's final." she stated obstinately "Molly, asked me to stay because Arthur's out in the Ministry veiling; Sirius' a bit depressed and she thought I could keep you all company. She's under the impression that I could cheer you all up. Anyway, don't tell anyone but I'm staying for you" Nymphadora laughed brilliantly and after a brief hesitation she kissed his face tenderly, warming him inside.
"You shouldn't…"
"If you need me I'll be downstairs." she interrupted giving him the most beautiful smile and he smiled back dizzily.
"Just leave now… Nymphadora…" he teased as an escape of his own odd feelings.
"Tonks!" she corrected now jokingly before she made her way to the door.
"And I don't want you to buy me Wolfsbane anymore did you understand that?" he tried to sound harsh and firm but he only achieved to sound tired. "I'll take care of myself as I always did"
"I'll try to remember that Mr. I'll be good all by myself." she laughed at her own joke but the only thing he could think of was that she was leaving and he hadn't thank her properly.
"Nymphadora, wait." he called out anxiously.
"Yes, Remus!" she said, looking back at him and he felt the urge to smile at the hope he saw in her eyes. She really wanted to stay… to stay with him.
"Thank you, I'll never forget what you did today and what you were willing to do… for me." he whispered and she smiled happily making his heart lurch yet again.
"It was my pleasure!"
"Oh, and… Nymphadora!" he called out when she opened the door. He felt that he needed to say something to compensate her. He wanted to show her how much her gesture had meant to him, how much her friendship meant to him, how much… she meant to him. But he couldn't find the words and a lump had formed on his throat as he stared at her, waiting half-way out the door, a look of curiosity on her face. He knew he had to say something, she was waiting for an answer so he said the first spontaneous thing that came to his mind.
"I like your pink hair!" he said surprising himself with his commentary, yet he wouldn't retrieve from what he had said.
"You like it, really?" she asked smiling gleefully while running distractedly a hand through it and Remus felt his breathing catching on his lungs at her delicate gesture.
"It's nice and it suits you." he answered, his mouth dry at his own admission.
"Thank you!" she smiled again candidly and he watched her leaving with a strange feeling of emptiness. For the first time in his life he would have loved to have somebody's company during the full moon, not just anybody, Nymphadora's company, although he wouldn't ever let her stay and he felt guilty just to have thought about it.
He suddenly didn't trust the potion anymore, he was afraid that it failed, that she would still be at Grimmauld Place… that he would harm her. He would never forgive himself if he somehow harmed Nymphadora, he couldn't stay there anymore. He left his room noiselessly and headed hurriedly downstairs and left Grimmauld Place, de-aparating right after to his planned hideout. He would not risk harming her, not her, the one person who had just made the most touching gesture somebody had ever done for him.
End of Flashback
The increasing gloominess inside the shack brought him back to the rough reality. The day was fading quickly outside the blocked windows and Remus was starting to feel the usual nervousness that preceded his transformations. He walked through a door on the right side of the room that led into a gloomy corridor. He passed the hall and started up the decrepit stairs to the upper floor leaving footsteps on the dust. All the doors upstairs were closed but he chose a particular one; it led into a bedroom, the same bedroom that he had used to rest once in a while before transformations. The room was exactly as the last time when he had been there with Sirius, Harry, Ron and Hermione a few years ago; it had a magnificent four-poster bed with very dusty curtains.
Once again Remus let the memories flow as he took in all the details of the room but now he could only recall the bad moments. He was in an extremely bad mood. So many things were wrong in his life; his remaining best friend had died; he couldn't convince the Werewolves; and he wasn't supposed to have fallen in love with a woman like he had done but now he needed her comfort more than ever. He needed Nymphadora, sweet, gentle Nymphadora, more than ever. Just the recalling of that day when she had asked to stay with him while he was transformed, although harmless, was enough to warm his heart. She had bought him Wolfsbane although he hadn't asked a thing; she hadn't been afraid of being with him in a full moon day and he knew she would have stayed if he hadn't forbidden her. Remus should have known that day that he would love Nymphadora forever, but he hadn't been able to understand that just then. All he knew now was that after that day he had decided to buy her a good Christmas gift, because from that day on his feelings towards her started to insinuate with much more insistence. He knew now that, if not before, he had loved her utterly and completely from that day on.
A single weak ray of light which was entering in that gloomy place from a hole in the window let him know that the day was almost giving in to night… the moon was almost out. Remus rubbed his tired eyes as he felt the familiar anger taking control. Never in a million years he would give in to this love but he wasn't able of not thinking about her. He had avoided to let people come too close to him, he had avoided friendships and had not been successful with it; he had gained the best of friends and for what, James and Sirius were gone and Pettigrew was a traitor. He had avoided to let girls come too closer but he had lowered his defences… he had lowered them to Nymphadora because he hadn't been able to get away from her, he had been attached to her at their first touch, his first glimpse of her actually. He had let her come too close, he had let her become part of his routine, part of his life… he had let their friendship and their liking for each other to grow into something much more powerful, much more incomprehensive, to turn into love, the one thing he had run off his entire life. And now, because he hadn't been able to resist her charm, he was letting her down. He could have dealt with loving her unrequitedly but he simply couldn't deal with her love for him, with their love for each other. …And he had fallen so deep, he had never felt so deep, so strongly for anyone. She meant so much for him, he loved her more than anything in the whole world. Her smile had been the one thing who had kept him sane while living his miserable life amongst the other Werewolves; he had kept alive because she had asked him to.
The full moon was out there now, he felt it in his very skin. The pain of transforming was starting to overwhelm him and he knew he had to keep Nymphadora out of his life because, although his spirit remained untouched, his body would always be cursed under the everlasting moonlight. The wolf's instincts were taking control now while the excruciating pain of transformation coursed through his body and he wanted to rip off his own skin, maybe if he harmed himself he wouldn't be able to harm her. His last rationale thought was for Nymphadora, wishing that she would always be safe from him and then… forgetfulness.
Outside the shack the full moon was shining bright in the starry sky. It was a warm and perfumed summer night. But down in Hogsmeade, a legend is about to arise; for whoever might have been in the streets could have heard, cutting the peaceful silence, an agonizing howl by the moonlight.
A/N: So, have you enjoyed this chapter? I truly hope you all did. Anyway please, and I really mean please, please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeease, leave me a review . I'd love to know your opinion. This story has now more than 2000 hits, that's awesome.
Well, finally I got to use the British version of one of the books; fortunately I have the HBP copy so I think this time I got the canon speeches right ;). I had been translating them all and it wasn't an easy task :D.
I'm really sorry about the delay on this chapter but I've been very busy lately, hope you are able forgive me .
I really want to thank again to all my readers and especially to my reviewers:
A very, very special thanks to ellsiethecow, Lowri (bluekiwibubble), Wishing For A Love Like This, Ginny (Blackolives10); for keep reviewing this story, you are all awesome ;).
I also want to give a big thanks to Pipa (Unreal Wanderer) and Erin (Rivendell's Evenstar); keep reading and reviewing please.
And thanks also to Lylemma, slightsav, LDY-RBZ-BBALL4, Teenage Metamorphmagus, Rogue-aka-Nettie and Deb-lil; for either adding this story to your favorites or story alert lists, or adding me to your favorites or alerts. Hope to hear from you all soon .
And finally of course I have to give a very, very, very special thanks to Courtney (Princessdza), for all her awesome reviews and all the help and support. Thank you ever so much for editing this story and for helping me to improve my English ;).
Sorry I have just one last note :), I have been invited to become a Staff Member at the C2 created by Lostinsidesaveme; it is called "Harry Potter Challenges" and the Forum is awesome so if you all please check it out, it would be great. I'm sure you'll like it as much as I do ;). Thanks also to Abi (Lostinsidesaveme) once again for inviting me to join the Staff.
Well, to all of you the readers who are enjoying this story, I'll ask again, please review this chapter. I would be forever grateful :).