Expectations

Chapter 2

"I have to admit I'm surprised to see you here again, Jim."

Jim gripped the armrests of the familiar leather chair, turning his face toward his best guess at where Dr. Galloway was, but then his hands relaxed and dropped into his lap. This was no longer about keeping his job. Jim could trust the kindness he sensed in this man, could feel comforted by the low, calming voice that never shied away from the truth, even when it hurt.

For some reason, he hadn't been able to tell Christie about this appointment. A week of living with her fertilized and implanted bliss was enough to prove he would have to find a different way of figuring out how to feel about this child. His child. It still felt weird to even think those words.

"Yeah," Jim said to Dr. Galloway. "I—well, I want to run something by you. Get your thoughts about what I should be doing."

"I'm flattered you think I can be of such help to you," Dr. Galloway said, a smile in his voice. Some people had more audible smiles than others. Jim thought he could always hear Dr. Galloway's smiles.

"I need to at least try," Jim said, smiling back. "You see, Christie told me something last week and I need to know—"

"This is about Christie?"

"It is."

"Sorry to cut you off here, but I thought you and Christie were going to a couple's therapist now. Remember, this isn't my area of expertise."

Jim frowned. He had been wondering if this would come up, hoping Dr. Galloway had conveniently forgotten about couple's therapy.

"I know. We were going to—we still plan to, but we went that other way you said first and it—it worked. That's actually part of the problem. See, it was so successful that we forgot about taking certain precautions when—"

"What other way? What are you talking about?"

"You told us to have fun."

Dr. Galloway sighed and Jim could hear him tapping the arm of his chair. "You had fun?" he finally asked, but the patience Jim often heard in his voice sounded like it required more effort than usual to sustain. "You did understand, didn't you, that I was suggesting a place to start? Something to keep you sane until you were able to talk it all over with someone more qualified than myself to deal with…"

"That's just it. We tried to figure out what to do and then Christie signed us up for these ballroom dance lessons and—"

He stopped at sound from Dr. Galloway that was probably a stifled laugh but that could have been the choke that comes when water goes down the wrong pipe.

"I know," Jim said sheepishly, assuming he was interpreting the sound correctly. "That wasn't exactly my first choice. But she really wanted us to do it. It wasn't about the dancing. It was about taking the time and about me making an effort so—I did. We did. It was…fun. Not something I plan to pursue, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There's this one song that will always be stuck in my head now, but…it was mostly positive. I think I got kind of good at it."

Jim ended with a self-conscious laugh. The mental image he had of himself dancing was probably as funny as the one that had caused Dr. Galloway to practically laugh aloud.

"So you danced, you enjoyed it—"

"I wouldn't say enjoyed…"

"I thought that was what you were saying."

Jim smiled and shook his head, feeling more at ease than he ever had in that office. "I enjoyed the time with Christie. Just doing something like that together. It got us more in sync than we've been before. It rekindled something."

"This all sounds very positive, Jim. I'm not really sure what it is you think I can do when it comes to your marriage, though. I still think you need to be going to that therapist I recommended—or someone else. Why come to me?"

"You weren't shy about bringing my marriage into it when you were supposed to be doing my psychiatric evaluation," Jim pointed out. "Let's just pretend I never came in here with Christie and go with the approach you were using then, all right? That's what I need here."

"So you want me to approach your marriage from the perspective of how it affects you as a cop?"

"You did more than that."

Jim could hear a sigh coming from Dr. Galloway. "I guess it can be interpreted in that way," he admitted. "Okay, I'll do my best here. Before we go on, I have to ask. How are things on the job?"

"Really good," Jim said, nodding to emphasize the point.

"You know I won't be writing any more reports—unless I see something too extreme to ignore, which I don't anticipate happening in your case. You can say whatever you want. You always could."

"I know that. It is good, though."

"Even with Detective Russo?"

Jim laughed. "Even with Marty. I stopped carrying the gun, you know."

"I thought you might decide to do that. What made you do it?"

"A lot of things. A case we were working. Marty. Karen agreeing to partner with me even without the gun. Everyone was supportive and it—it just seemed like something I had to do."

"Marty was instrumental?"

"Yeah. He confronted me about it without being the complete asshole he usually is and he made some strong points. And he said I had earned my place in the squad even without a gun—especially without the gun, I think."

Dr. Galloway made a noise like he was puffing out his cheeks. "Wow. That's surprising. Did he also tell you you were like the son he never had?"

Jim rolled his eyes. "Since when are you the smartass here?"

They both laughed, Jim feeling a kind of connection he had never expected to feel with someone he had never seen. He used to wonder how he would be able to connect with the faceless people he was going to be meeting for the rest of his life. No eye contact. No visual cues. None of the little things that link people together in any of the normal ways. But now he felt he knew the man across from him. Not on a personal level. They couldn't exactly be friends. But Jim understood and could even predict Dr. Galloway's reactions. He knew his various tones. He could receive the signals and interpret the silences of this man.

"Okay, Jim. Let's talk about your marriage. What happened with Christie?"

"She's pregnant."

Silence. This wasn't Dr. Galloway's usual silence, punctuated by the rustling of his papers or his footsteps pacing the floor or the faint sound of him moving to another chair or just tapping something. He was dead silent this time.

"Was this…planned?" he finally asked.

Jim sighed. "No. At least I didn't plan it. Christie says she didn't either and I guess I believe her, but…she's so happy. Would she be this happy if it was a complete accident?"

"I don't know, Jim. Maybe. So, what do you think about all this?"

"I'm—confused," he said, not satisfied with his own response but unable to think of a better way of expressing it.

"Have you ever thought about having kids before?"

For a second Jim thought that warm feeling was going to go to his eyes again, but he held it back, trying to keep his face stony. "Of course."

"What was your timeframe?"

"We talked about it when we were first married. A lot, actually. We didn't really have a timeframe."

"And since the shooting?"

Jim shook his head and sighed. "I—you know. So much was happening. No, we haven't mentioned it for a long time, except to plan for ways of preventing it from happening. Christie was doing this chart thing and it was supposed to tell her when it was safe and…after dance class one night we forgot to check. I forgot. I don't know if Christie…"

"What are you accusing Christie of doing?"

"I'm not accusing—"

"Yes you are, Jim. Bottom line here, you two always planned to have children and now you're going to. Did Christie get careless on purpose? I don't know. Maybe she doesn't even know. Is that the point here? What would you have said if she had brought up the issue with you before this happened?"

"I would've—" he stopped himself, realizing he had no idea of how to honestly answer this question. "I don't know. I might have considered it."

"Do you think she sensed your hesitation and decided to take matters into her own hands? Is that what this is about?"

"Maybe."

"Does that make a difference to you? Do you want this baby?"

Jim bowed his head. "Of course I do."

Jim heard Dr. Galloway's hands dropping onto his armrests, as if he had first raised them in exasperation.

"Why are we here, Jim?"

Jim looked toward Dr. Galloway and sighed. "Do I have to say it?"

"Ah," Dr. Galloway said in his seconds-before-reaching-a-breakthrough voice. "This isn't about becoming a father. This is about becoming a blind father."

"Not like you didn't know that all along," Jim said sharply.

"I never presume to know anything," Dr. Galloway said, and Jim caught another smile in his voice. A sympathetic smile.

"I just—I'm happy. Of course I am. But…it just feels so wrong when I know I'll never be able to…"

"To what, Jim?" Dr. Galloway asked eagerly. "You haven't been blind all that long, despite all that you've accomplished. It's okay to have these thoughts. To mourn for what you have lost. That's all a part of the process."

"I didn't want it this way," Jim said, finding his words increasingly difficult to choose. "I always thought when I had kids I would be…"

Dr. Galloway allowed the silence after Jim's broken sentence to grow between them for longer than Jim thought was comfortable.

"You thought you would be sighted," Dr. Galloway said at last. "You had a different plan in mind, but think about this for a moment. If you were sighted right now, would you be as close to Christie as you are as a blind man? The two of you were obviously having some serious problems for a long time before you lost your sight. Would you even still be together if you weren't blind?"

Several things rushed through Jim's mind at once, all of them unpleasant. Anne Donnelly, Christie leaving him, the guilt he had felt when she had returned to take care of him. And before all that, he recalled their violent spats, their misunderstandings, the distance growing between them, the feeling that they didn't even know each other.

"Probably not," he admitted. "She had already left me."

"She came back because you were blind?"

"Because I got shot, yeah."

"And she stayed because you were blind?"

"I hope that wasn't the only reason. That isn't the reason now, anyway."

"Whatever the reason, she stayed and the two of you decided to work things out. Sounds like you're even having some success at it."

Jim smiled. "Yeah, I feel like we got that fresh start you told me about."

"You seem happy about that."

"Of course I am. It feels great, having that with Christie again."

"Was it worth going blind to get that back?"

Jim shook his head. "That's a really—what kind of question is that? You think I had any choice? If I had to answer right now, I'd say, yeah. It's better to have Christie than my sight. Ask me in ten minutes, you might get a different answer. I don't know. I like to think I could have had it all."

"You did have it all once. Was life as good then as it is now? Think of everything this experience has taught you, Jim. Think of all that you've gained, including your renewed relationship with your wife. Your unborn child. Do you really think Christie would be carrying your baby right now if you hadn't lost your sight?"

Jim shifted in his seat. "Are you coming to any kind of a point here?"

"We're almost out of time so I will say this: your concerns about being a blind father are valid and your feeling of loss over not being able to see your child is completely normal."

"I didn't say…"

"You never do. Did it ever occur to you that I learn the most about you from what you don't say?"

"Well, this is all very helpful. I'm glad to be normal and everything, but a solution would be nice, once in a while."

"Sorry Jim, I don't have the instruction manual you came with. But back to my point, and yes, I do have one, you're not in an easy situation, but I feel confident this can still be a very happy time for you. I'm far more concerned about the state of your marriage than I am about the state of your vision. The two of you need to do everything you can to make sure you can provide a stable environment for your child as a team. I'm glad you had fun and reconnected. That's a huge accomplishment. But you didn't suddenly fix yourselves. You have to work even harder and you really should get into couples therapy as soon as possible. I know this means a lot to you or you wouldn't be here talking to me about it."

Jim nodded, trying to take it all in. "Okay," he said, standing and reaching for Hank's harness. "I understand. I will make sure we go to that therapist but…does that mean I can't come to see you about this on my own if I need to?"

"That would be fine, Jim."

"Thanks," Jim said, heading for the door.

"Jim?"

Jim stopped and turned at the doorway. "Yeah?"

"Congratulations."