Expectations

Chapter 5

"There," Dr. Nelson said. "You can see it."

"Yeah," Christie agreed, although Jim could detect some doubt in her voice. "So that means…?"

"Your babies share a placenta, which means they are identical twins."

"Oh," Christie said blankly. "That's nice, right Jim? Kind of fun for them to look alike."

"Yeah," Jim agreed, his hand tightening around Christie's. "Do we know what they are yet?"

Dr. Nelson sighed and Jim assumed she was looking at the monitor as she thought. "At fifteen weeks it is possible to determine a gender with a decent amount of accuracy, but your twins are not cooperating today. Maybe next time."

Christie laughed. "Taking after their father already, huh?"

"Can we listen to the heartbeats again?" Jim asked.

During their appointment a couple of weeks before, hearing those heartbeats for the first time had been the most thrilling moment of the pregnancy for Jim, making those two lives real to him in a way Christie's expanding middle could not. Jim had been looking forward to this appointment so he would get a chance to hear the swooshing heartbeats again. The Doppler machine that picked up the sound had already been used at the beginning of this appointment, but Jim couldn't leave without getting to hear it again. It seemed only fair, when everyone else was able to look at a jumble on a screen and see his twins sharing a placenta.

"Sure, Jim," Dr. Nelson said with an audible smile. "Just let me finish up with this ultrasound first."

"No problem. Hey, is it normal for her to be getting big so fast?" he asked. "It seems like it came out of nowhere."

"Twins, Jimmy," Christie reminded.

"It's very normal," Dr. Nelson confirmed.

The no-nonsense sound in her voice always made Jim picture her as a thin woman in her forties with short brown hair and square glasses. He also saw her with a humorous twitch at the mouth that meant she sounded harsher than she was.

"And I've been wanting to ask," Jim began, feeling a flush spread across his face. "Are there many of us? Blind fathers? Have you had any experience with that?"

"I get blind parents in here every now and then," she said, her straightforward tone setting Jim at ease. "Not too often, but it's always fine. Their kids get born just like everyone else's."

"The blind husbands are in the room when their wives give birth?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"I thought maybe they got in the way or…" he let his voice dwindle foolishly to a stop as the flush spread across his features again.

But Dr. Nelson pretended not to notice. "They do fine. Cut the umbilical cords and everything. They don't pass out at the sight of blood, which is always a plus. Now I'm getting the Doppler ready again. You can buy one of these, you know. Listen to their heartbeats whenever you like. Let me find a twin to listen to…there it is."

Jim leaned forward eagerly as the sound of the swooshing heartbeat filled the room again.

"Wow," he said, smiling at Christie. She squeezed his hand back, which meant she was returning the smile.

"Now, Christie," Dr. Nelson said, a new firmness in her tone. "You'll have to start coming in for weekly ultrasounds after this."

Christie's hand, already in Jim's, clutched tight. "Why?"

"Is everything okay?" Jim asked.

"Everything is fine," the doctor assured them. "It's just that now that we have confirmed that they share a placenta, we need to be monitoring the babies for TTTC; Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome. It's something that can happen when twins share a blood supply. One twin can get too much while the other gets too little. It's relatively rare, but we have to keep an eye out for it to be safe."

Jim nodded. "Okay. Weekly. We can do that."

The appointments were starting to pile up. Jim wondered if Christie might consider dropping their sessions with Esther for a bit now that they had this new commitment. Hegot more out of their visits with Dr. Nelson anyway and found himself wishing they could sit down with her and talk about their marriage. She seemed more readily able to grasp what they needed than Esther was.

"I can't believe they're identical," Christie said as they headed out to the sidewalk together. "How exciting!"

"There was a thirty-three percent chance of that happening," Jim pointed out. "But it's nice we get to know now. Even identical twins don't always share a placenta."

"Have you been doing internet research?"

"I have."

"I'm dying to find out what they are."

Jim grinned. "Now I'm picturing them as boys. I don't know why."

"But you were so sure you were getting a girl vibe early on."

He shrugged. "I know. I can't help it if they keep switching. What do you want them to be?"

"Healthy."

"Me too."

Christie tugged on his hand, which meant she wanted him to stop walking, and then he felt her arms around his neck and they drew together for a kiss. "I can't believe it," she said again. The happy tone in her voice was strong enough to bring a lump to Jim's throat.

"You okay to go to work now?" he asked, kissing her forehead and then pulling apart so she could look him in the eye. "No morning sickness?"

She laughed. "I feel great!I haven't had morning sickness in a couple of weeks and I have more energy than I've had in a long time. I feel ready to start getting baby stuff and decorating and figuring out where we're going to put everything in our apartment."

"Looking forward to that," Jim said, managing a small smile.

"I am looking forward to that. We'll make it all work. Anyway, we'd better get going now. We're late enough for work as it is. You okay finding your train from here?"

"I know where it is," Jim said, nodding. "And Hank never forgets anything."

The new kind of preoccupation that had filled his mind lately when he was alone came upon him as he made his way to work. That swooshing sound, first from one baby, then from the other, came to his mind and he replayed it, smiling to himself over the thought. Would Christie mind if he bought one of those things? She would undoubtedly grow tired of him following her around, searching her belly for the best places to find heartbeats, but maybe he could make himself pathetic enough to convince her. "You got to see the ultrasound," he might try saying. "You have a picture of it up on the refrigerator and can look at it whenever you like. Please let me listen." Christie might go for that argument, Jim decided. She might not even mind him following her around so much. Didn't she once say she wanted more attention?

"You're in a good mood today," Karen said as Jim took his seat at his desk.

"How can you tell?" Jim asked. It was a real question. Jim didn't know how to gauge the vibe he was exuding.

"You're glowing just a little bit," Karen said, laughing.

Tom laughed too, startling Jim because he hadn't known Tom was even at his desk. "You're radioactive. What's going on, Dunbar?"

"I just heard heartbeats," Jim told them as he set up his desk for the day, ready to do paperwork. No phone calls that morning meant no new cases, so Jim wondered if he might actually have a quiet day for a change. Time to get caught up.

"How is the baby doing?" Marty asked.

Everyone at the squad knew Christie was pregnant by now, although Marty hadn't blabbed as far as Jim could tell, but Jim had only told Karen that Christie was carrying twins. Now seemed as good a time as any for full disclosure.

"Everything looks really good," Jim said, looking toward Marty's desk. "Christie is feeling much better and the babies are—"

"What?"

"Babies?"

The reactions of Tom and Marty did not disappoint.

Jim shrugged. "Well, yeah. Twins. Didn't you know?"

Marty clicked his tongue. "And I thought one was a lot of work."

Tom gave a low whistle. "You really dodged a bullet there, Jim," he said, obviously not thinking of how odd it was to be using that particular figure of speech with Jim. "Diapers, baths, getting them dressed, feeding them, you don't have to do any of that and she can't even make you feel guilty about it."

Jim started to smile along with Tom, but as the meaning of the statement sank in, he felt his expression change. There it was again, and from Tom, no less. Wasn't Tom the one who had assumed Jim was exempt from doing paperwork because he was blind? And now Tom was similarly excusing Jim from taking any responsibility for caring for his own babies. How could a blind person participate in such things? That was the way Tom thought. It would have made sense, coming from Marty, but knowing Tom still viewed him in this way was disappointing.

Jim tried to get his smile back before responding, but wasn't sure he quite managed it. "I would never leave that all to Christie."

"So you bringing in some help?" Tom asked. "A nanny or something?"

"No, I'm the help."

"Is that safe? Aren't you afraid you might step on one or—or drown 'em or something?"

Jim didn't even know how to respond to that and was relieved when Karen did it for him.

"Blind people have kids all the time," she pointed out. "Sometimes both parents are blind."

"Don't get me wrong, Jim," Tom said, sounding subdued. "You'll be a great dad. You'll take care of them by working. By supporting them financially. That's a lot right there. You don't need to be worrying about all that other stuff, right?"

Things like this came up all the time—especially on the job. Little nagging comments that made Jim cringe at night as he tried to sleep. People doubting him, underestimating his abilities. He had developed a thick skin, learning to allow his actions to prove people wrong as he kept his mouth shut. But this wasn't about his job, or even his manliness. This was about his ability to be a father and Jim found he couldn't let it slide without saying something.

"I'm just going to be a normal dad, Tom. I'll do whatever needs doing."

"You'll be fine," Marty said.

Jim turned toward the sound of Marty's voice, bracing himself for something snide. "Yeah? How do you know?"

"All those things parents do…they're half asleep half the time anyway. You get so you can change a diaper with your eyes closed. No big deal."

"You changed diapers, Marty?" Karen asked, sounding skeptical. "I have a hard time picturing that."

"Oh yeah. I helped. I didn't actually change a diaper with my eyes closed, but Dunbar could do it."

Jim smiled at the unexpected confidence Marty seemed to have in his abilities. "What makes you say that?"

"I'm assuming you shave yourself, right?"

Jim frowned. "Yeah."

"Right. Your wife dress you?"

"No."

"Well, look at yourself." He stopped to laugh. "Sorry. But I can tell you you're a well-put-together guy. If you can do that, you can take care of a baby."

"And you know, Jim," Karen added. "You already have the most important thing down. You're willing to help. That makes you better than a lot of dads right off the bat and I know Christie will appreciate that."

Jim nodded toward her to show appreciation, but he couldn't add anything to what was said. Karen's reassurance and even Marty's gave Jim the feeling everyone assumed he was doubting his own ability to be a father and were trying to make him feel better. In a way it was even worse than when Tom practically said Jim couldn't do it. Tom may have had his own doubts, butJim could just look confident and prove Tom wrong and everything would be fine. But once people started to assume Jim was doubting himself…

Putting his earpiece in, he opened his laptop and sighed.