Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, Mario, Goombas, Toads, Koopa Troopas, U of Goom, the Mushroom Kingdom, and/or the Linnaean taxonomy system.

Lesson 1: The Shroomkin

All right, kids of all species, are you ready to start your lessons? Good, because I'm going to be putting some stuff on the board. You'd better take notes…

Actually, before I put stuff on the board, I'd better tell you what group of species we'd be learning about. Today, we'll learn about what's commonly called the Shroomkin. This consists of two members: Toads and Goombas. I'll write the taxonomy of this order here:

Kingdom: Animalia

Phylum: Chordata

Subphylum: Vertebrata

Class: Mammalia

Order: Mycona

Actually, there are two members from outside the Mushroom Kingdom in this order: Myconids and Funganus. But, since they are not in the Mushroom Kingdom and are not highly studied in here, I won't say much about those.

I'll be writing the rest of the taxonomy on Toads and Goombas right now. Write those notes!

Toad

Family: Myconidae

Genus: Basidomyca

Species: fugu

Goomba

Family: Mycetidae

Genus: Cremini

Species: adamantine

The Toad's genus is Basidomyca because it looks a lot like a mushroom, and those come from a taxonomic group called Basidomy…oh, forget it. I'm not good with fungi. At least Shroomkin aren't fungi. Toads share this genus with Myconids, which look a lot like smaller, naked Toads with mono-coloured caps.

The Toad's species is fugu because it is poisonous, and its poison works in much the same way as the fugu blowfish's: it's in its blood. Luckily, Toads are immune to their own blood, but no other species is totally immune. Spikoopas, Clubbas, and other members of the Deinoidae are partially immune, so they experience nausea, vomiting, and headaches for a month instead of dying within three days like all other species. Oh, and Toad blood is safe to handle, as long as it doesn't contact your tongue or any open cuts or sores. By the way, if the blood gets into your bloodstream by injection or stabbing, you're also doomed.

The Goomba's genus is Cremini because they look like those small brown mushrooms you find in grocery stores. However, a Goomba's flesh is rather tough, and the head is not to be eaten if you don't want to have your stomach scarred by shards of minerals. It is the only member of this genus.

The Goomba's species is adamantine because Goombas have the ability to make their heads nearly diamond-hard (or at least conundrum-hard). Actually, the Mohs scale hardness of a stiffened Goomba head is 9.3. A normal Goomba head's hardness is only 6.1. How do they do that? Goombas have special muscle cells that contain a special fibre that hardens and thickens when it contracts. They also feed on special minerals that are absorbed in their special intestines. These minerals help make up those fibres. You'd be wise not to get in the way of a Goomba's head.

How did the Toad and Goomba evolve these adaptations? Back way before the Lakitu found the Cloudsheep, Toads and Goombas looked very much alike. They also lived in groups called clumpers. They were both commonly eaten by Mangorrhea, Rumarki, and other semi-prehistoric predators. However, the two of them fought off those predators in different ways. Toads burrowed themselves in the ground and disguised themselves as toadstools. They also developed a fatal poison in their blood so whoever tried eating them would not eat them again (and so the toadstool disguise was more plausible). That worked very well against the omnivorous and pack-living Rumarki.

Goombas had a different approach. Though they often stood their ground and behaved like innocent brown mushrooms, they also had a deadly weapon: their heads. If a mushroom-eater or Rumarki got too close, they would jump at the predators and ram them with their rock-hard heads. They often smashed their skulls against the earth after they made their jumps, though. Some ancient Goomba back then inherited the ability to digest hard minerals and integrate them into its muscles. Combining that and its natural head-muscle-contracting abilities, it had a harder and more shatterproof head. That Goomba was more likely to survive a jump at predators, making it more likely to find a mate and have children.

Wrote all that down? Good, because class is dismissed. You won't have more time to write that down. Tomorrow, I'll be doing Koopa Troopas, Paratroopas, and Lakitus. Hope to see you then!