Fluffy thongs and BBQ tongs
Chapter four
"No." Harry snorted between giggles. "It's the fluffy thong society."
"Does that mean you and Miss Granger are also members?" Snape asked. "Maybe I could borrow one of yours sometime?"
Harry stopped giggling at once. "I don't actually have any...but I was thinking about getting Draco one for Christmas, is there a particular store you would recommend?"
"Well..."
"Stop it both of you, we don't have time for this." Blaise interrupted. "But my favourite store has to be-"
"No, you three can discuss this later." Hermione said quickly as she heard more footsteps. "RUN"
Hermione and Blaise ran in one direction and Harry and Snape in another.
Draco's hole...in the wall was coming along quite nicely. Maybe it wouldn't take hundreds of years, maybe just a couple of millennia instead.
Ron was hyperventilating in a serious way, Draco could feel Ron's...problem against his knee.
"If you come on my knee Weasley..." Draco paused, soft footsteps were heard and a faint meow.
"Was that you Weasley? Don't start purring please!"
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh." The red head hissed but it was too late
The cupboard door was flung open and the most hideous sight meet their eyes. Filch was standing there with nothing but a sliver fluffy thong covering his...
He had found a rake and...what was that...BBQ tongs from somewhere. He wore a menacing grin as he clicked the tongs together. Click Click
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." Draco screamed forgetting Ron and the fact he was stuck, he yanked at his shirt that was caught on a nail and a horrible ripping sound signalled the fact that Draco's shirt had been ripped from his body and was now sprinting down the corridor as fast as he could.
Ron couldn't move, he never had this sort of...problem before.
Draco chanced a glance back and saw that Mrs Norris had appeared from somewhere and was preparing to pounce on Filches thong, properly mistaking it for a mouse.
He saw no more as he rounded a corner.
Harry and Snape were running down a corridor they didn't care to take the time to recognise when they crashed into someone running in the opposite direction, sending them all sprawling on the floor. Harry was glad to see he had landed on top of Draco, what he wasn't very happy about was the fact Snape was on the top of them both.
"Filch..." Draco yelled. "He got Ron...and Mrs Norris by the looks of it."
"WHAT?"
"And Ron has a bigger problem."
"What could be worse than being caught by an aroused Filch."
"No I mean he has a BIGGER problem."
"Oh...OH...we have to help him."
"I'm not going back...Filch has a rake...and BBQ tongs."
"Oh...Professor..."
"Don't even think about it Potter."
"So you're going to let Filch have his way with a student...and a cat."
"He won't...he's just going to induct Weasley into the Fluffy thong society."
"You mean that actually exists..." Harry couldn't help but break down into noisy fits of laughter.
The other two stood there staring at him.
"What's wrong with you Harry?" Draco asked giving the other boy a confused look. "Most teachers are members...I didn't realise Filch was but..."
"You mean...under all the teachers robes...EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"Well not ALL teachers...I think the only exception is Professor Flitwick."
"You mean that, Dumbledore...OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD...EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"Yes his personal favourite has to be fluffy blue sparkly thongs."
As Snape spoke Draco listened intently actually rather interested while Harry stuck a finger in each ear and chanted over and over again: "I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening."
"What kind does Lupin prefer?" Draco asked. Harry gave him a disgusted look. "On second thoughts I don't want to know."
"Good choice, that is something I REALLY didn't want to know about my godfather."
Snape leant down and whispered in Draco's ear so Harry didn't hear: "He likes a wide range but when forced to pick he always goes for the brown fluffy one with the antlers coming out at the side but it is rather difficult to conceal under robes, or so he tells me."
"Ok, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW."
Meanwhile, Ron had managed to crawl out of the cupboard and was trying to drag himself and his heavy load down the corridor.
"Must get away, have to get away" he panted to himself, urging himself on "Im too young and innocent to die!"
"Wait...I'm NOT innocent now am I? Oh god I was molested by Malfoy, and his evil knee! And now I'm about to be ravished by Filch and his crazy cat...speak of which...where..."
That's when he heard a screech from behind him and someone yell something about "Pulling the fur out" .
Ron rolled over onto his back and copped an eyeful. Filch was flailing about swatting at Mrs Norris who was now clinging to the silver thong with one paw and was hissing and spitting viciously.
Filch started throwing himself at the wall face first trying to dislodge the cat but all he was achieving was to grow a rather large ugly lump on his forehead.
Ron took the opportunity to get up and scuttle off, leaving the chaos behind him. Just as he was about to run around the corner he heard a last wail form Mrs Norris as she came flying through the air and began skidding along the floor on her stomach, claws scraping the floor as she went.
"Poor cat" Ron mused as he escaped, leaving Filch to recover his missing fur and pull out the matted strands that Mrs Norris had drooled on.
Hermione and Blaise were still running when Ron came crawling around the corner, sweating and groaning loudly.
"Oh Merlin! Ron!" Hermione rushed forwards and began helping him until she noticed his...problem...
"What have you been DOING!" she yelled, dropping him and letting him bounce painfully on the floor.
"Malfoy...cupboard...he got stuck..."
"DON'T TELL ME ANYMORE!" She yelled
"He lost his shirt! It was horrible!"
"I'm sure it was" Blaise winked
"Filch...cat...thong NO FUR!" Ron stammered "Mrs Norris ripped it off!"
"RON SHUT UP!"
He began shaking in fright "But he still has his rake...and his...his...TONGS!"
That's when the familiar click click sounded from further back in the corridor and Ron grabbed Blaise by his trousers, pulling him down so they were face to face
"Run!" he whispered "Before he catches us all!"
And then Blaise's trousers slipped, and fell down around his ankles.
"Oh god, I forgot I was wearing the disco thong" he muttered pushing Ron away from his privates and attempting to pull his trousers back around his waist.
"He has MIRRORED BALLS!" Ron squealed
(AN: Authors kack themselves...we didn't NOT discuss whether "pissed" or "kacked" would be a better way to describe our hysterical laughing fit...)
Blaise had a thong which, unlike the others, was covered in tiny little squares of mirrors, just like disco balls.
Blaise sighed, replacing his trousers and grabbed Ron to pull him to a safer hiding place. Hermione just stared, open mouthed, at Blaise
"Who knew Slytherins were so damned Horny!" she exclaimed in amazement.
"AHA!" Filch had found them. His thong was slightly ruffled and off centre but he was still carrying his rake and tongs which he was clicking in glee.
"I WANT MY SNAPEY SNICKLES!" Blaise whined as Filch approached. Hermione took action and pulled him and Ron behind some coats of armour that stood around a corner and out of sight.
Filch quickly followed but he couldn't see where they had hidden. Mrs Norris seemed to have given up on her quest for fur and was no where to be seen, obviously licking her wounds.
Finally Filch gave up and turned on his heel to go in search of the others.
Unfortunately, all three were in the perfect position to see more than they wanted to when Filch turned around and Ron groaned.
"Why does it have to be thongs? Cant it be granny pants?"
"Granny pants aren't sexy" Blaise grunted
"What? And Silver thongs on Filch ARE?"
"Granny pants would be less so..."
"Really? I'm not so sure..."
Hermione in the meantime ventured back out into the corridor, checking that Filch had gone.
Chapter four … what did you think, you know the drill!