I don't own FMA. I however, own the "21 to kill a man" conversation.
"You are aware that Edward's birthday is coming up, right?" Riza casually brought up the topic to her commanding officer.
"Who?" Roy sounded rather lazily, glancing half lidded up from behind his newspaper (he had almost been asleep).
"Fullmetal."
"Ah. Right. You know he has the stupidest-" Roy began, ready to bad on the teen's first name again.
"Yes I know sir." Riza interrupted. "You think "Ed" is the dumbest name since your own middle name…" She smirked.
Roy's eyes opened up wide, and the already pale-skinned Colonel seemed to pale just a bit more. It was a clear look of terror as he mentally began to asses the situation…. No… she couldn't have found out.
"How do you know that?" Roy said in a slow, carefully enunciated sentence of shock, eyes still wide with fear and newfound respect for the sharp-shooting First Lieutenant.
"Unlike you Sir," Riza now fought to contain her very pleased smirk. "I spend a lot of time in the filing cabinet, Colonel Roy A-"
"SHUSH!" Roy commanded, waving his arms about like a trout out of water. A rather frantic trout out of water at that. "Think of it like Voldemort—the Name that must not be said."
"Sir that would be, "He who must not be named"." Hawkeye corrected him. Roy was terrible with literary allusions, or comparisons, or even… well… reading in general. Riza then made a face, and gave the Colonel the once over. "Harry Potter?" There was a long pause as Roy looked at her puzzled.
"What?"
"Really?" Riza raised an eyebrow, and turned back to her work.
"What?" Roy said, now feeling a bit self-conscious. "Besides the actual novels, the slash fiction can be pretty durn amusing." He shrugged, folding his paper, purposefully. The purpose was of course to find something to do rather than just sit there like an idiot.
Riza blinked and looked back at Roy.
"What was that?"
"Hmm? I didn't say anything." Roy played.
"I could have sworn…" Riza trailed off and turned back to her desk, looking at the wall and then shaking her head.
Mustang 1, Hawkeye…. 10 billion. Roy said. He was very proud of his one point.
"Anyway…" Riza said, having recovered from hearing something. "Fullmetal's birthday is tomorrow. He's turning 17. I think we, as an office, should do at least something for him."
"17? You sure he's not turning 12?" Roy drawled, rather unimpressed.
"Positive." Hawkeye sighed. Talking to this man was getting really… really annoying as of late.
"Well coulda fooled-"
"Yes Sir, I know. He's as tall as a 12 year old. No, were not getting him stilts. No, we're not going to make a public announcement of his height. We're not going to measure him, and were certainly not giving him a gift basket of milk. We're also not going to give him a uniform specially tailored for his height, there will be no little kid birthday favors, and you will not raise all of the door handles and knobs above his reach." Hawkeye said with annoyed rapid speed.
Well shit… Roy blinked.
"But… why?"
"Because, you're just going to provoke him, and frankly, I don't want to clean up the mess." She said pleasantly.
"Have you that little faith in me, Hawkeye?" Roy asked, appalled.
"No. I just have that much confidence that Ed has one helluva short complex." She paused, and then shrugged. "And very violent ways of expressing himself."
"He should try the whole "serenity now" phenomenon." Roy giggled. Yes. Giggled.
"Sir, stop watching Seinfeld. It's clearly not good for you."
"The Summer of Mustang, Hawkeye, and Happy Festivus." Roy blew her a kiss.
"Ew." Riza said.
Oh yea. She loves me. Roy smirked.
"Anyway…" Riza started again. "I digress… you, as the commanding officer should have some say in what it is."
"Get him a stripper." Roy sat back in his chair, very uninterested in the whole ordeal because Hawkeye had cheated him out of his jokes.
"He's only 17, sir."
"Then, take him to a bar."
"Once again, he's only 17. Try thinking outside the gutter."
Roy rolled his eyes, and reopened his paper. He'd think of something… and if it had to be outside the gutter she was just going to have a wait for a while before he thought of something. Roy pouted from behind his newspaper.
There was a knock on the office door, and Breda came waltzing in, depositing another stack of paperwork in front of Riza… which she would ultimately deposit on the Colonel—from there it would never be seen again. Being the Flame Alchemist really had its perks in the workplace…
"Breda what are you wearing?" Hawkeye snorted, daintily of course. This perked Roy's interest, and he peeked out over his newspaper. Breda was wearing a pirate hat and an eye patch.
"Lost a bet." Breda grumbled and turned around slumping considerably in his gait, giving the Lieutenant and Colonel a great view of the bright pink feather tucked into the hat.
"Hold up there, what bet?" Roy asked, now thoroughly amused and intrigued. Any one of his underlings suffering so had to mean a great story. He was a sadistic bastard, and he loved every minute of it.
"Havoc bet me on New Years that there was a National Pirate Day. He was drunk, so I took it."
"We have a National Pirate day?" Roy asked, furrowing his eyebrows.
"Apparently." Breda gestured to the hat and eye patch, sighed, and departed.
"You think the Fuhrer… because he has a…" Riza began, not quite finding the will to finish either statement.
"If I answer yes, does that qualify as treason?" Roy raised an eyebrow in response to the whole situation, and glanced at Riza.
"I wont tell if you wont."
"Then yes. I think so." Roy sat back in his chair, as did Riza, both of them highly disturbed. There was as long pause of contemplation between them.
"Remember when he gave Edward a melon?" Roy asked Riza, eyebrows furrowing even tighter.
"Yes I do."
"Yeah…"
"No kidding."
There was another long pause.
"Riza, don't you think I'd look dashing in an eye patch?"
"No."
"Too bad because I'm getting one in episode 51."
"Sir, you just mentioned melons, we're in the mangaverse and we don't know how that ends."
"Well, then I rescind my melon statement."
"You can't, its already typed." Hawkeye pointed out. Smart as a whip that one. Roy thought.
"Well then…" Roy struggled for a word. "Hush."
"I think we should get along with the plot, Sir." Riza said after a moment.
"Yeah… about that…" Roy said as a marvelous idea came to him.
"Just think, Brother. One more year and you can vote!" Al said excitedly. Ed looked at his brother with a look that said, "One more word and I break out the can opener". "Um… and buy cigarettes and pr0n?" Al amended.
"Who cares about that!" Ed cackled, wringing his hands together maliciously. "One more year and I can kill a man."
"No you cant."
"I cant?"
"Everyone knows you have to be 21 to kill a man, brother."
"Really?" Ed stopped in his tracks to glance at his younger sibling in surprise.
"Yup."
"Well shit." Ed said, rather miffed, scratching the back of his head (and yet slightly amused that his brother knew that you had to be 21 to kill a man).
"Anyway," Alphonse began, his voice as chipper as always. "It's just another milestone of the road to maturity." He said wisely.
"What? Are you saying I'm not mature?" Ed said, practically aghast. "I'm the most fuckin' mature kid in these here parts! I became a State Alchemist at 12! They might as well let me drink and kill a man, I'm way more mature than half of these suckers and I'm half their ages…" He defended quite arrogantly as he purposefully knocked a stack of manila envelopes off of Havoc's desk with a crash. Ed once again, cackled.
Al nearly face-palmed. His brother was such a shit…
"Right…" Al managed to answer, for lack of a better reply. "So then," He began, turning to conversation to a more "plot friendly" direction. "If you're mature, then why are so angry that you are one year older?"
"Because." Ed crossed his arms, continuing his way down the hall toward Mustang's office. He glanced around, and stopped—making sure he was out of hearing range of his arch nemesis, Colonel Needs-to-fuckin'-die. "I'm 17 and…" he made another check of his surroundings just in case… "I'm-not-as-tall-as-I'd-like-to-be." He said very quickly and just above a whisper.
Al was in a state of shock as he stared down at his temperamental blonde brother.
"Did you just call yourself—"
"SHUSH!" Ed demanded rather frantically, with hand motions. "I did NO SUCH THING!" Al tried to hold back a laugh. Ed got rather… animated when he was trying to justify himself. It was hilarious. "What I merely commented upon was that I could be taller. In no way did I ever say that I was sho—"
"Finally accepting your stature Fullmetal?" Roy commented snidely from his position, leaning against the doorframe of another office.
"SON-OF-A-BITCH!" Ed yelled grabbing his hair and throwing himself to the floor in agony, where he rolled around a few times growling like a rabid cougar.
Roy merely grinned rather smugly and stepped over Fullmetal and went back to his office. Thank you Mother, for my incredible sense of timing and a terrible middle name… Roy thought.
When a rather disheveled Edward dragged himself back to a standing position, Al just stared at him, wordlessly for quite a while. Meanwhile the rest of the office went back to their cubicles after the display…
"Nice, Ed." Was all Alphonse could say. He of course was thinking, Dear God do we really have the same mother?
"Yanno Al…" Edward said dangerously. "Sometimes maturity is overrated, kay?"
"So then 24/7/365?" Al said before thinking, instantly regretting opening his mouth.
"DIE YOU TRAITOR TO THE NAME OF ELRIC!"
Al took off running, clanking all the way. And Edward was sprinting as fast as his short little legs could carry him in hot pursuit of his brother.
"I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WILL BE FILED WITH TUNA BY THE END OF THIS! YOU HEAR ME! I'LL WILL TRANSMUTE YOU INTO A TRASH CAN! OR MAYBE A MAIL BOX! YOU WILL BE THE NEXT HOOD ORNAMENT ON THE FUHRER'S CAR, YOU GLORIFIED LUMP OF REYNOLDS WRAP!"
"Sir, why are you grinning like that?"
"Oh nothing, I'm just so impressed with myself its disgusting." Roy said, placing himself into his chair, and propping his feet up on the desk, hands behind his head.
"You know, Sir, 'Pride goeth before the fall'…" Hawkeye advised.
"Hawkeye have you finished Blue Birds Illusion yet?"
"No, why?"
"Because Ed becomes the Homunculus Pride, not me."
"Really?" Hawkeye put down her pen. "How does that happen?"
"I kill him." Roy cackled.
"Bull shit." Riza snorted, then picked her pen back up and began sorting papers like wildfire again, stifling laughter every once and a while. "You, kill Ed, that's hilarious…"
"Shut up." Roy pouted, yet again. But then remembered his devilishly witty gift he had for Edward, and it simply puffed his ego right back up to max capacity. "Moneypenny, do be a dear and call Fullmetal in here? He might still be rolling around in the hallway."
"Right away 00-Lazenby." Riza quipped right back. Roy was horror-struck.
"Right through the heart, Hawkeye, right through. Not even Roger Moore?" He struck his chest for dramatic effect.
"Not even Timothy Dalton." She said, standing to go do her master's evil bidding.
"But-" Roy clasped his hands and rested them on his desk. "I bet you think I'd look dashing with an eye-patch, don't you?" He tried again. Riza stopped, turned around and regarded him with her fiery amber eyes, she quirked her head and smiled a bit. Roy's eyes began to sparkle with hope.
"Nope. Not at all." She said pleasantly, and then turned and walked away.
"SHE-DEVIL!" Roy called after her.
Edward walked into the office and saw everyone standing around Roy's desk at attention. Alphonse was a few steps behind him. Ed was quite convinced he had never been in a fouler mood. Ever. Never ever.
"Yeawhut?" He demanded of the room of soldiers. "I'm busy?"
"I got busy with your mom last night." Breda snorted.
"Token Breda "Your Mom" joke, check." Both Ed and Al said at the same time.
"Moving right along…" Roy began.
"That's what she said." Breda snickered (still in his pirate uniform).
"Will you shut up?" Roy glared at the dog-hating soldier.
"Your mom said that in-"
"Christ on a bike…" Roy moaned loudly.
"Why the FUCK am I here?" Edward yelled above the cacophony that was getting a running start.
"A belated "Happy Christmas" Short Boss?" Havoc offered. He was still a bit hung over from new years, and no one really noticed him on account of his mind was running a bit slow…
"What the hell are you British now?" Roy balked.
"OMFG zeppelins." Edward paled suddenly and looked horrified, and then returned to normal (as normal as Ed could be…). Everyone stared at him.
"Um, I think you're clairvoyance is acting up again, brother."
"Oh my God is he clairvoyant?" Fury said excitedly, nearly jumping up and down.
"No," Ed said pleasantly. "I've just been reading spoilers."
The group let out a collective groan.
"Fatty over there gets an eyepatch." Ed gestured.
"Dammit." Riza cursed. Roy winked at her.
"Moving right along…" Roy said, rather pleased with himself.
"Happy Christmas, Ron!" Havoc suddenly blurted, then looked confused. "No one here is named Ron…"
"Wow…" Ed and Al said at the same time in pure unadulterated disbelief.
"Harry/Draco 4 eva!" Roy said quickly and kissed his fist and held it in the air for a split second before returning to normal.
"Wait, what?" Falman said (never to be heard from again).
"Ew." Ed drawled out. Al merely pretended to look confused.
"I don't get it brother…" He said keeping up his cover of innocence.
"I knew I heard you-" Riza began.
"ANYWAY," Roy boomed, scaring the glasses off Fury. "I hereby bequeath Fullmetal's 17th birthday present on behalf of the Amestris Military." Roy stood and held out a very nice black leather portfolio case, with the national emblem emblazoned upon it in silver leafing.
There was much "oooh-ing" and "aw-ing" from the hung over Havoc.
"For god's sake man, take Chaser© next time." Riza face palmed.
"Nice product placement, Lieutenant Hawkeye."
"Thank you, Alphonse."
"What is it?" Ed stared at it.
"Open it, idiot." Roy rolled his eyes.
Ed tentatively reached (up) and took the portfolio and examined it. It wasn't rigged to explode that he could tell, but he still frowned with a vengeance as he opened it.
Edward began reading… and Roy jumped over his desk and started running, knocking the glasses off Fury again (who had just put them back on).
"…hereby declares January 3rd National…SHRIMP APPRECIATION DAY?" Edward shrieked and took off after Mustang (who was scatting the James Bond action theme at the top of his lungs).
"ILL SHOW YOU THE POWER OF SHRIMP! I WILL JUMBO SHRIMP YOUR ASS, COLONEL SLASHY! THIS IS ALL NATURAL WILD AMESTRIS SHRIMP BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK, PUNKASS! STOP RUNNING AWAY! STAY STILL SO I CAN BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU! I WILL PRAWN YOU!"
"He must have one helluva lung capacity to be able to run and yell like that…" Breda observed.
"You have no idea…" Al groaned, picking up the portfolio.
"I really should have seen this coming…" Hawkeye sighed.
A/N:
No Shakespeare quote, but hilarity and the absolute torture and demise of the fourth wall. The "00-Lazenby" is in reference to George Lazenby, who was hailed as the worst James Bond ever (because of not only his acting, but also a terrible script and only made one movie). Timothy Dalton is usually dubbed second worst Bond ever. Roger Moore I consider the middle ground.
I also don't own Harry Potter. Or Bond. Or Chaser. And yes… there is a National Pirate day.