This is Ganondorf's personal diary. If you are reading this and are not Ganondorf or one of Ganondorf's many other physical manifestations, you will be boiled alive over a slow fire. Thank you.
May tenth
Rose from the dead today. Of course I was never dead to begin with, really. Just trapped in a circle of flame with my robes flapping. That got old fast, I can tell you. Why were they flapping? Was there wind? Or was it just the Sages' way of taunting me a little more? It's enough that they wont let me enslave the entire country and spread darkness over all eternity: now they have to give me annoying garments! What kind of beings are these Sages?
Aside from that, rising from the dead is an awful bore. All the dark mutterings and the relentless homage paid by mindless servants, groveling, groveling, groveling. For once, I'd like to see a mindless servant not crawl in, bowing so low that his head scrapes the tiles. My linoleum dining room is ruined, to say the least.
May twelfth
I am currently working on my DARK EVIL PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD BWAHAHA again, which has run into a rather unfortunate snag. Every time I come up with a DARK EVIL PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD BWAHAHA, it seems that ridiculously dressed Hero of Time shows up out of nowhere, bearing not only the Ocarina of Time, but the Song of Time, the Tunic of Time, the Slightly Uncomfortable Hot Green Tights of Time, and who knows what else—ah, yes, the Master Sword. I suppose that one isn't lucky enough to be part of the Time series…that's probably why it is wielded by a mute elf wearing a dress.
A dress! I have an idea! What a foolproof plan! My new DARK EVIL PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD BWAHAHA is going to be: Kidnap Princess Zelda, come up with elaborate dungeons that will drive Link to the brink of insanity (And I to the brink of bankruptcy, but it is worth it) and when the two lovebirds meet, (as is their wont) I will throw a BALL OF LIGHT at Link, which he obviously can just send back to me by hitting it with his sword, but he is too stupid to notice that, of course. WHAT GENIUS! Now I am all a tizzy with excitement. I must go play piano now.
May Twentieth
Had dinner with Dark Link today. Surprising to notice how much has gone on between my visits. I suddenly feel unclean.
May Twenty-ninth
I have been trying to write my memoir again, but I am still stuck at my birth. How could I even exist, logically speaking, if all of the Gerudo are women? Is it some form of—wait, I don't want to think about that. I DON'T want to think about that, dear Goddesses, now I need to take a shower again. Excuse me.
Back. Will kidnap the princess tomorrow. Screw formality. I'm sick of making dungeons anyways. I'll just cover the entrance hall with mousetraps and catch the Hero of Time that way.
Ta!