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Whose Turn is it Anyway?

"Hello and welcome to another edition of Whose Turn is it Anyway!" Eladamri begins. "We've got a great fic lined up for you tonight, with stars such as: I can't believe it's not dead, Squee! Don't even think about it, it's Patron Wizard! Alleluia, Serra Angel! And still recovering from wounds since the last fic, Chimney Imp!"

"I better be getting overtime for this," Chimney Imp complains.

"If you've never read the fic before, these four dunderheads are going to try making up some funny stuff for you to laugh and point fingers at. At the end of each attempt, I'll award them points. The points don't really matter, it's just another attempt at being funny. That's right, the points are just like Worship in a deck without any creature production…they just don't matter." Eladamri continues. "The first game we're going to play tonight is called Super Heroes. We'll begin the game with Patron Wizard as a super hero who must respond to a crisis with the aid of his super hero friends. Since this isn't in front of a live audience, we've already selected the crisis and Patron's super hero name prior to the fic."

"Please don't let it be something stupid," Patron Wizard hopes. Eladamri opens an envelope and pulls out a card.

"Okay, the crisis is that there is no more mana in the world, and only you," Eladamri starts, but laughs. "Captain Constipation can save the day." Eladamri falls over laughing. "HAHAHAHA…whenever, HAHA you're…ready…heehee, whoo." Patron Wizard just glares at him.

"Urza's ghost! According to the crisis monitor conveniently placed in front of me, there's no more mana in the world! I hope my super friends get here fast!" Patron Wizard starts off, then winces. "I really gotta get this taken care of, but I really need to go!" Serra Angel hops onto the scene. Patron Wizard starts again, "Thank Karn you're here, Conclave Zealot Girl!"

"It's part of my duty! Speaking of which, have you ever considered switching your allegiance to the Conclave? If we could get enough supporters we could end the world of suffering in all its forms! Omigosh the world's mana supply is gone?" Serra Angel says. "We can't do this by ourselves, we'll need the help of our friends!" Squee comes onto the stage. "You made it, Mr. Knowitall!"

"I would've been here sooner, but Urza needed some help in some calculations." Squee begins, adjusting invisible glasses on himself. "How will we ever get the world's mana supply back?"

Patron Wizard, still wincing and now holding his butt, says, "I don't know…now where did I leave my medication?"

"In the Conclave, there is no sickness or need for medication…" Serra Angel suggests. Chimney Imp arrives on the scene.

"It's about time you made it," Squee exclaims. "We really need your help, King of Sucking!" Chimney Imp stares balefully at Squee for a moment, then pretends to suck on Squee's head.

"It's a good thing I'm not a brain sucker, else I'd die of starvation!" Chimney Imp mocks. "I've got an idea," he starts sucking on Patron Wizard's arm, then releases, "but I must leave you to enact it!" Chimney Imp leaves.

"I will assist him, after all, I do know everything." Squee says, fixes his invisible spectacles, and follows Chimney Imp.

"Even if the crisis has yet to be averted, I must be off to convert more people to the greatness of the Conclave! Toodles!" Serra Angel also leaves.

"Well, it seems the crisis has been averted now, one way or another. Now I can cast a spell to help with my 'problem.'" Patron Wizard also leaves. Eladamri laughs for another few moments, then wipes his eye.

"Hoo…a thousand points to Captain Constipation!" Eladamri concludes the game. "That was fun. Our next game is my personal favorite, Scenes from a Hat! We got a bunch of suggestions people would like to see here in this hat, and our performers have to act each one that I pick out. The first topic is: Things you probably shouldn't say to Urza."

Squee: "So…how 'bout that war you started?"

Patron Wizard: "Would you tell your wife I left the money on the dresser? Thanks."

Serra Angel: "Is that Mishra behind you?"

Eladamri presses the buzzer and says, "The next scene is: How the Whose Turn characters spend their breaks."

Chimney Imp, pretending to type: "I do not suck monkey balls, and I wish you would stop saying I do! Send…to fic writer."

Squee, talking as he acts it out: "Head comes off, head goes back on. Head comes off…"

Patron Wizard, in a thinking pose: "I wonder if there was a way to make hundreds of copies of me…yes…then I would be unstoppable! Hehe…"

Eladamri presses the buzzer. "Next topic: Things you wish your controller would say to you."

Squee: "This turn, I won't sacrifice you to something."

Chimney Imp: "Well lookee here! I found a use for you!" Everyone laughs.

Eladamri presses the buzzer. "Next topic is…Creatures you wouldn't want to get stuck on an elevator with."

Squee holds Chimney Imp's arm and motions toward him with his other hand.

Patron Wizard, pretending to be smothered by something big: "Um…Mr. BFM…"

Eladamri presses the buzzer. "That will be all for that game for tonight. Fifteen points to each of you for mediocre performances. Our next game is called 'Restricted Lines.' It's a fun game where we have three of our characters act out a scene, but two of them only have two lines they can ever say during the scene. This game is for everyone but Serra Angel. Chimney Imp, your only two lines are 'That can't be healthy' and 'I wish I was dead.' Squee, your lines are 'I've got to disagree' and 'Can I touch it?'. Patron Wizard, you are a controller discussing battle tactics with two of your footmen, when an Autochthon Worm is seen heading towards your side of the battlefield. And…go!"

"Okay, men, as you both can see, there is a really big worm heading our way," Patron Wizard starts.

"That can't be healthy…" Chimney Imp replies.

"It's not. Now…" Patron Wizard continues, but Squee interrupts.

"Can I touch it?" Squee asks.

"Of course you can't touch it! It'll eat you alive!" Patron Wizard scolds.

"That can't be healthy," Chimney Imp adds.

"Now, I think our best chance is to counterattack from the rear…" Patron Wizard begins.

"I've got to disagree." Squee says.

"I don't care if you disagree! I'm the controller here, not you!" Patron Wizard replies.

"That can't be healthy." Chimney Imp says.

"It's healthy enough! Now listen here…" Patron Wizard yells.

"I wish I was dead," Chimney Imp notes.

"Keep wishing, and it might come true!" Patron Wizard shouts.

"I've got to disagree," Squee adds.

"You just might be dead too if you don't stop disagreeing with me!" Patron Wizard scolds.

"That can't be healthy." Chimney Imp chimes in.

"No! Death is not healthy to you, but it'd be very cleansing for me right now! Now this worm is about three feet in front of us…" Patron Wizard's eyes open wide in fear.

"I wish I was dead…" Chimney Imp says with a trembling voice.

Eladamri presses the buzzer several times. "Great game, 40,001 points to Patron Wizard and Squee."

"What about me?" Chimney Imp complains.

"I was going to give you 50,001 points, but since you complained, you get a 50,000 point deduction to that score." Eladamri replies. "Wanna question the host again?" Chimney Imp shifts uncomfortably.

"Anyways, that's the fic for tonight! Hope you had as good of a time as I hoped. See you next time!" Eladamri concludes.