Disclaimer: I don't own MtG or related titles and characters. Just this fic. And if there are any TV shows with any resemblance to this fic, I don't own that either.
Whose Turn is it Anyway?
"Hello and welcome to Whose Turn is it Anyway!" Eladamri begins. "We've got yet another great fic lined up for you tonight, so let's introduce tonight's contestants! Don't you wish we were older, it's Kamahl! Cat scratch fever, Mirri! The most unlucky goblin in the multiverse, Kiki-Jiki (Mirror-Breaker)! And the obligatory bashable character, Chimney Imp! Yay!"
"Obliga-what able?" Chimney Imp asks.
"If you've never read this fic before, these four randomly selected characters are going to play some games in vain attempts at being funny. At the end of each game, I award them points based on arbitrary decisions; the points don't really matter, it's just some more stupid humor. That's right, the points are just like Phage's IQ, they are completely unnecessary." Eladamri continues. "Our first game tonight is called 'Whose Turn?' - yes we have a game named after the show. This game is for Kiki-Jiki and Kamahl. They're going to act out a normal scene, except that they must use both lines on the papers I'm about to give them somewhere during the scene. The scene is that Kamahl's uber-ping ability was just redirected back to him, and he doesn't have much longer to live. Whenever you're ready, you may begin." Eladamri hands a piece of paper to each contestant.
"My goodness," Kamahl begins. "Is that what I've been doing to creatures? I'm a monster!"
"Don't be so hard on yourself," Kiki-Jiki replies. "It's not like you've ever done to anyone who didn't deserve it. Besides, as our controller would say in this situation," Kiki-Jiki reads from the paper: "I am Iron Man!"
"That's all well and good, but how is that supposed to help me?" Kamahl inquired. "There's only a fireball that I caused flying towards me at slightly-less than instant speed. And despite it all, I can only think of the final words my father told me before he died:" Kamahl reads from his paper. "Take two and call me in the morning."
"You never did take your father's advice, did you?" Kiki-Jiki asks.
"I took the two," Kamahl admits. "But I never called him in the morning! If I only had had a quarter!"
"It'll be alright, man." Kiki-Jiki says. "As I always say:" he reads from his paper. "There's no place like home!"
"You're right." Kamahl says. "There is no place like home."
"Of course not," Kiki-Jiki replies.
"I haven't much longer before my own fireball incinerates me." Kamahl says. "Please, tell my wife:" he reads from his paper. "What do you do for money honey?"
"Y'know, I've always wondered that myself about your wife…" Kiki-Jiki says.
Eladamri presses the buzzer. "Nice job, 250 points to each of you. Next game is going to be 'Let's Make a Date!'. This game is for all four of you. Mirri, you're the guest on a dating show, and you have to ask the contestants questions and try to figure out their secret quirk or identity. And…go!"
"Oh I'm so excited!" Mirri begins. "I haven't had a date in years…well, bachelor number one…"
Kiki-Jiki (Dralnu in the middle of raising the dead): "What is it woman? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Make it quick!"
"Ooooh…you sound dangerous. If I were any other creature type, which would you like me to be?" Mirri asks.
"What kind of question is that, woman?" Kiki-Jiki replies. "Zombie, of course! Then I could raise and reraise you all night loooong!" Kiki-Jiki moves his arms up and down in front of him.
"Sounds fun. Bachelor number two, I like long walks on the Yavimaya Shores. What do you like to do in your spare time?" Mirri asks.
Chimney Imp (Gerrard, thinks he sees Volrath everywhere): "I like to kick evil people in the gonads! Especially if it's my jerk of a half-brother! Wait, is that him there?" Chimney Imp attacks one of the cameras. "Nope, not him…"
"You sound…easy." Mirri smirks. "Number three, if you were my controller, what would you have me do when I didn't have summoning sickness anymore?"
Kamahl (Crovax during his midlife crisis): "I'd send you to the Killing Fields, that's what I'd do! I've been needing to take more of a personal interest in my work. I mean, I've been a good dictator, right? I don't know, I just have this feeling I could've done so much more killing…"
"That's…nice. Bachelor number one, if I were favorite ice cream cone, what flavor would I be?" Mirri asks.
"Chocolate. It's the closest color to black." Kiki-Jiki replies. "Now cease pestering me woman!"
"Okay, fine. Jerk. Bachelor number two, if you could fight any villain in the Magic multiverse, who would it be?"
"VOOOOOOLRAAAAAAAATH!" Chimney Imp answers. He goes crazy and mockingly attacks Kamahl. "Not so big without your mask, huh? But wait! You're over there!" Chimney Imp mockingly attacks Eladamri, then pretends to have been stabbed in the heart. "Aaargh, I am defeated. I wish I didn't suck so much." He falls down.
Mirri raises an eyebrow. "Mmkay…bachelor number three, I want to avenge a family member's death before I die. What goals do you have before you die?"
"Before I die," Kamahl responds, "I want to achieve immortality! Maybe then my pathetic rule will have some meaning and my subjects will remember me! Wait…I've got it! I'll slaughter them all! Then they'll remember me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Looks like you've got your work cut out for you. Can you guess who they are?" Eladamri asks Mirri.
"Bachelor number one is…a necromancer trying to raise the dead?" Mirri guesses.
"Close enough, he's supposed to be Dralnu!" Eladamri answers.
"Number two is Gerrard, I know that much…and he's bent on killing Volrath." Mirri says.
"Close, he sees Volrath everywhere." Eladamri replies.
"Fine. Number three was hard…he's an evil dictator in his midlife crisis?" Mirri guesses.
"Which one?" Eladamri asks.
"Probably Volrath or Crovax…" Mirri says.
"Crovax! That's right!" Eladamri congratulates her. "Good game guys, 11,253 points to each of you. Our next game is called ninety-second alphabet. This game is for everyone but Kiki-Jiki. The contestants are going to act out a scene, but every line has to begin with the next letter in the alphabet. The starting letter will be K, and the scene is Chimney Imp walking in on his controller, Kamahl, summoning another creature - Mirri. And…go!"
"Krovak's Torch, it was a long day at the office today, and…what the heck is this?" Chimney Imp pretends to put his coat on a hanger.
"Luckily, this isn't what you think it is." Mirri says, acting coy.
"Mageta be praised! With you back, I won't have to settle for summoning her!" Kamahl says innocently.
"Not to contradict you, but you've already summoned me…" Mirri says.
"Obviously I settled for you only because he wasn't around," Kamahl says, wiping sweat from his brow.
"Pardon me, but still, WHAT THE HECK?" Chimney Imp whines.
"Quiet! Can you hear the rats in the attic? They're quite annoying." Kamahl says randomly.
"Rats? That's not good," Mirri says, following Kamahl's lead.
"Shush! I don't hear any rats!" Chimney Imp adds.
"That's only because you suck." Mirri smirks.
"Untimely demise, you're going to get yours now!" Chimney Imp scolds.
"Very mature you two…now I don't know why I ever summoned either of you!" Kamahl notes.
"Why would you summon someone who sucks so much, anyway?" Mirri laughs and points at Chimney Imp.
"Xanthic Statue! That's the artifact I was thinking of when I summoned Mirri!" Kamahl shouts.
"You were thinking of a statue when you summoned me?" Mirri glares at Kamahl.
"Zounds! Would you two stay on topic here? I thought you enjoyed summoning me!" Chimney Imp interrupts.
"Actually…" Kamahl starts.
"Before you even try defending that master of sucking…" Mirri interrupts.
"Cripes, Mirri! At least I didn't die for a human!" Chimney Imp responds.
"Duh! Only because no human likes you!" Mirri replies.
"Everyone just shut up already!" Kamahl yells.
"Fudge! Now you've annoyed my controller!" Mirri comments to Chimney Imp.
"Gerrard was your controller too, and look how that turned out!" Chimney Imp responds.
"How can I express that I like summoning both of you?" Kamahl asks, desperately seeking a response.
"Interesting thought, summoning both of us," Mirri seems intrigued by the idea.
"Just so long if you've got the mana, that's fine with me!" Chimney Imp agrees.
"Kill me now…I wish I did!" Kamahl says. The other two proceed to mockingly beat him up.
Eladamri presses the buzzer and says, "Two hundred points to each of you! That's all the fic I have patience for tonight, so I'll see you next time!"