The Weight of the World

Kirsten felt the sand brush against her face as she stood on the beach again. She was by herself for a second time. She saw the red rose floating on top of the water. She stepped into the water's edge, the cold water icing her bare feet, and picked up the red rose. However, one by one the petals fell off. The sky went from day to night and day again within seconds and kept repeating. Time was passing quickly and the rose was dying in her hands but there was nothing she could do. As she looked down into the water where the petals fell at her feet that black hole lingered again. Before the last petal unclipped itself from the rose Kirsten stepped into the black hole and fell down…

Kirsten groaned. "Ahhh!" Her head was splitting. Her alarm clock was continually beeping so she flung her hand out to the side to turn it off but accidentally knocked over a photo of her and Sandy on holiday in Mauritius. She jumped onto her side. "Oh!" She said looked down at the broken glass and scratched photo on the floor. She scrunched up her face before looking at the clock at her bedside. "O ssssshhit!" Kirsten whined. She was going to be late for her physiotherapy appointment if she didn't hurry up and get ready. She only had 20 minutes until she had to leave.

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"Kirsten have you been eating properly since I last saw you?" Her physiotherapist asked her.

"Uh I don't-I don't think I've not been eating."

"You don't think?" Dr Paul probed her.

"Look I'm fine. I'm tired- maybe I haven't been sleeping normally but…" Kirsten shrugged. "I don't think there's any reason to worry."

"Well I'm sorry Kirsten but I am worried. Do you know what your weight is?"

Kirsten thought. "I haven't stepped on scales pretty much ever but I think probably… 8, 8 and a half stone give or take a few pounds." She said calmly.

Dr Paul raised his eyebrows. "7 and a half stone." Kirsten was a little surprised. "Oh." She said.

"That's clinically underweight for your height and you're way out of your BMI and since I saw you for the first time last week, you've actually lost 8 pounds. Is everything ok at home?"

"What you mean since my family was in a bomb attack, I was paralysed or since my husband hasn't been conscious for 11 days?" Kirsten asked scornfully. Dr Paul sighed uncomfortable. Kirsten shook her head. "I'm sorry."

"That's ok." He paused and folded his arms. "If you don't want to talk to anyone professional then I advise you take my words seriously, Kirsten. If your body becomes malnutritioned then the less and less likely it is you'll have the chance of making a full recovery." Kirsten looked up at him. She felt so insulted. She didn't even notice she wasn't eating. She thought she looked a little under the weather but not 8 pounds under. Kirsten sighed and nodded.

"You want to run into your husband's arms again don't you?" He asked her rhetorically.

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Kirsten next made a visit to Sandy. But when she went into Sandy's room he wasn't lying in his bed. In fact, the bed was made and the room looked cleaned out. Kirsten panicked. She rushed to the front desk. "Where's my husband? Sandy Cohen? Where is he?"

"Mrs Cohen, your husband was taken to have another CAT scan." The receptionist said.

"Oh." Kirsten said. "Again?" She asked.

"Yes." Sandy's usual doctor answered from behind her. "We were worried he was having minimal brain activity."

"And?"

"And…we were right." He paused. "I'm sorry Kirsten, Sandy hasn't made any improvements since he arrived at the hospital and he may never. Judging on the lack of in the last almost two weeks nothing seems hopeful."

No. Was all Kirsten could think. No, no, no, no, no, no… Kirsten had been holding onto the hope that she knew was there all this time but that all crashed down now. She didn't know for sure if Sandy was going to pull through.

"Uh…can I see him?" She asked.

"I'm afraid not. We're going to be running a lot more tests today. It may take a while. It's pretty hectic around here. Come back tomorrow." He told her.

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Kirsten was trying to calm her mind by reading a book in the living room when her mobile phone rang. She looked at the front of it and saw a picture of Seth and she smiled greatly. "Oh hi sweetie." She said with relief.

"Hey mom. How are you?"

"Ugh. I'm so glad you called. I have had such a bad day but I'll tell you about it later when you and Ryan get home."

"Uh mom, haven't you looked outside?" Seth asked her.

"At what?" Kirsten said, moving over to the windows.

"The storm!" Seth said. "It's like the worst rain in 25 years!"

"What?" Kirsten opened the curtains. "Oh no!" Kirsten sighed. "Well I don't want you and Ryan driving in the rain."

Seth could hear the disappointment in her voice and felt very regretful. "But hey we'll drive through as soon as the bridges and roads open again."

"Ok." Kirsten said. "Stay warm won't you?" Kirsten told her son motherly.

Seth giggled. "Of course mom. Ryan and I will see you and Georgia soon. I love you mom."

Kirsten smiled. "Love you too Seth."

Kirsten's hands were trembling.

"Mum what's wrong?" Georgia sat down on the coffee table in front of her mum.

Kirsten scrunched her face up, gritted her teeth and made tight fists trying to make her hands stop shaking. She didn't want Georgia to see her like this. Georgia put her hand to her forehead. "You're freezing." She said feeling Kirsten's sweaty forehead. "You've really broken into a cold sweat." Her hair was even beginning to get moist. "What's wrong?"

Kirsten relaxed her face and looked down. She got very fidgety; swarming her hands over her legs, still trying to stop herself from shaking. Georgia asked her again. "What is wrong?" Kirsten shook her head and avoided any eye contact. "Are you ill? Do you feel sick? Should I call an ambulance?" Kirsten shook her head again. She mumbled 'no'.

"Then what? What is it?" Georgia was getting frustrated which made Kirsten more self-conscious. Georgia softened up. She took hold of her hands. "Mum, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

Kirsten took a breath. "I need a drink." She said shakily, terrified.

"Ok I'll get you some water but after we're talking about this."

"No, I mean…not that sort of drink."

Georgia sat back down in front of her. "What?" Georgia asked surprised but concern in her voice. "I'm sorry." Kirsten said.

"No, mum, it's ok. You've done nothing wrong. You're panicking that's all." Georgia held tightly onto Kirsten's hands. "You don't need a drink. That's not what you need, ok, having a drink won't help make this any easier. But you can talk to me. You don't have to be the strong mum all the time; you don't need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I know how hard this is for you."

Kirsten remained silent, her shaking slowly wearing off and nodded. "I know dad was your rock, and he always will be, but while he's not here I can be your mini-rock." Kirsten smirked. "I'm your Pebble." Kirsten smiled.

Kirsten looked up. "Thank you. You shouldn't have to deal with this."

"That's ok." Georgia said sweetly. "You should probably cool down, eh? C'mon, I'll draw you a relaxing bath."

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"Ryan I need your help." Georgia said down the phone.

"What's wrong? Are you ok? Is it Sandy? Is Kirsten ok?"

"I don't know. She almost had a relapse tonight Ryan." Georgia said quickly.

Ryan was taken aback. "I didn't think Kirsten would…slip up. Even with this."

"Well the truth of the matter is it might happen. As much as it kills me to admit it, that's the way it is." Georgia said a little spitefully.

"Don't be mad at her."

"I'm-" Georgia slumped back into the couch. "I'm not mad at her. I just don't want to let that happen to mum. I love her too much to watch her suffer…I don't want to be where you have already and I'm sure you don't want to be again." Georgia said strengthening her tone.

Ryan took everything Georgia said in and she was completely right that Ryan couldn't bare watching Kirsten fall apart again. He took control.

"Alright Georgia if she wants a drink give her something strong; Orange juice or something; something that will stop her cravings. Don't let her leave the house. Where is she now?"

"I put her in the bath."

"Good, right, well hopefully she has calmed down then. When she gets out keep a close eye on her but don't aggravate her. Seth and I will be there in a few hours, ok?"

"Ok…Ryan?" Georgia said softer. "When it first happened was it like she changed so much she was a totally different person? I mean she seems to have her life all together but tonight she was just a mess."

"We tidied things up once and we can do it again." Georgia nodded to herself. "I'll see you in a few."

30 minutes later, Kirsten hadn't come out from the bathroom and Georgia began to worry. She knocked on the door of Sandy and Kirsten's bathroom but there was no answer. "Mum?" After a longer moment of no answer Georgia decided to peek in and then enter. When Georgia widely opened the door she sighed as sadness and condolence dropped from the pity tree. Kirsten was dead to the world slouched on the bathroom floor near the toilet.

Georgia picked up a cloth and run it under warm water. She crouched down in front of her mum and wiped what was left of apparent sick off her chin. Kirsten never moved a muscle. Georgia ran her hand delicately from Kirsten's forehead to her cheek then pulled up the strap of her vest pyjama top. "Oh mum…" She said softly.

Ever since they had come home without Sandy, Kirsten hadn't been taking care of herself properly. She wasn't eating much and she almost never slept. Georgia was the one trembling now. Since Kirsten hadn't been eating it was worrying that she was throwing up. Would she have made herself sick? Maybe the saying 'worried sick' wasn't just something people said.

At least she's asleep. Georgia thought. She honestly had only slept a mere few hours in two weeks. She'd been so busy trying to keep herself busy and looking after Georgia even though she insisted she could look after herself. The unbreakable Kirsten Cohen had been broken. In the morning Georgia would be sure to pick up the pieces but until the sun rose, she would be at peace and free from all her demons.

Georgia scooped her mum up in her arms. Georgia struggled to position herself at first. Kirsten's weight was no problem; less than what it had been two weeks ago; light as air; but she was a lot taller than her daughter. Georgia was considerably shorter than the rest of the Cohens.

She did however manage to carry her 5'7 mum to her bed without dropping her or waking her up. She laid her out on her back gently and pulled her covers over her.

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The TV screen flashed and late night MTV blinked off. "Well that was a load of shite." Georgia mumbled to herself. She yawned and looked at the clock. 0:34. She couldn't keep her eyes open any longer. Before she went up to her room she went to check on her mum again.

She quietly opened the door but realised the side lamp was on so she popped her head in. "Hey…" She said softly.

Kirsten smiled. "Hey sweetie." She put her book down.

"You ready to talk to me yet?"

"You aren't my therapist." Kirsten said with a warning smile.

"You don't have a therapist!"

"That's because every Newspie goes to see theirs at least three times a week. They're addicted to their therapists who are ironically probably helping them overcome some kind of addiction and eventually after your therapist start convincing you to go three times a week you're starting every sentence with 'my therapist says...'"
Georgia nodded. "My therapist says that's common fear." Kirsten titled her head then laughed. Georgia giggled too.

"You don't have a therapist because you don't need one." Georgia said. "But you scared me tonight…and I'm afraid if you don't talk to someone you'll break down again, and I might no be there to save you."

Kirsten smiled so moved by her daughter's compassion and support. Georgia was very mature for her age. She was definatly lucky to have her in her life. "Ok, for you, I'll talk." Kirsten said. Georgia shuffled closer. "Good." She said. "But first, no more not taking care of yourself. You eat proper meals, three times a day, we'll eat breaky and dinner together. You can't survive on coffee and that minging cranberry juice you're attached to." Kirsten smirked. "And you'll get some sleep. Whatever it takes. I know where you keep your address book, I can call the Newpsies in a second; I have the power." Kirsten laughed. "Ok, I promise. I'll try to do all those things."

"Good. Thank you. Now, what's on your mind?...Ok stupid question. I'll rephrase." Georgia thought for a long minute no clue of what to say or the right way to ask any sort of question. She gave in sighing and slouching her shoulders. "Just tell me something, anything."

Kirsten frowned looking down at her wedding ring her limp legs stretched out in front of her. She looked up. "I get cold at night. That's why I can't sleep. Usually your dad would put his arm around me and hold me closer and" Kirsten smiled occasionally as she reflected "maybe leave a flurry kisses along my neck." Kirsten grinned and traced finger along her shoulder and neckline. "And his warm breath would heat me up." Kirsten stopped deep in thought. She looked up at her daughter and said "I just miss him" frankly.

Georgia nodded. "I know, so do I." she took a breath. "See I knew you could do it; since the moment I met you I've had faith in you."

"C'mon, slide down." Georgia said and Kirsten did in her bed and Georgia climbed under the covers with her. "I'll keep you warm." She switched out the light and for the first time in a fortnight Kirsten slept peacefully all through the night.

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"Don't worry Ryan I am positive this will take us back to the main road."

"Positive huh?" Ryan said sarcastically. "That's what you said an hour ago. I'm tired and Georgia and Kirsten have probably gone to bed now. It's 2 am."

"I told you we should stick to the main road but you had to take a shortcut!" Seth shouted.

"I took a shortcut!" Ryan retorted. "You were the one who wanted to go this way!"

"Uh not if memory serves." Seth snapped.

"If I was driving we wouldn't be lost like this." Ryan said under his breath.

"Who says we're lost?" Set asked.

"Look genius if you don't know where you are or where you're going that means you're lost!"

"Ah! The main road! See I told you we'd find it!"

Seth swung the front door open then popped his head in. "Hello?" He whispered. He waited for an answer. "Hello?...Make a sound if you can hear me." He whispered.

Ryan pushed passed him walking into the house. Seth swiftly followed him in and quietly closed the door behind him. They looked around and no one was in sight. There was no TV or music on up or downstairs either. It appeared that no one was around.

"You think they went to bed?" Ryan asked.

"That's what I'm hoping." Seth said still worried about what Ryan told him about his mum. "Let's check for Georgia first." The boys went upstairs but she wasn't in her room or anywhere else upstairs.

So they went downstairs to Kirsten's room. They could see there was no light coming out of it. Ryan slowly opened the door. They walked in and round to Kirsten's side of the bed. They stood and smiled.

Kirsten was curled up in a ball on her side facing Georgia who was very close to her and also in the same position facing her mum and their hands were linked. "I think Georgia took care of everything." Seth said.

"Your mum looks ok." Ryan whispered. "Sleeping."

Seth sighed a little. "She's ok." Georgia slowly opened her eyes when she realised her brothers were there. She smiled at them and mouthed 'hi' then fell back asleep again.

"C'mon." Ryan said walking away. Seth kissed his mum's forehead then followed Ryan out of his parents' bedroom and they too went to get some sleep.

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With a bright sigh Kirsten wheeled herself into the kitchen the next morning. Her face lit up when she saw two of the most important people in her life in front of her. "You're here!" She shrieked with a grin.

Ryan and Seth put down their coffees and went over to Kirsten. They looked at each other slyly standing before Kirsten who was confused. After a second they whisked her up out of her chair and popped her down on the kitchen island. Kirsten giggled. "Hi sweetie." Kirsten said delightfully as Seth embraced her in a hug. As Kirsten looked at both of her sons in front of her she felt as thought she was up on cloud nine. She kissed Ryan's cheek as he went in for a hug too. "Hey Ryan."

Ryan hugged her tightly. "Kirsten."

"It's so good to see you." Kirsten said. "Are you staying for long?"

"Probably head back tomorrow night." Seth said.

"Well good good. " Kirsten said chirpily. "Are the girls around?" Ryan shrugged. "We're here to see you and Georgia. Sandy too."

"Where is Georgia?" Seth asked.

"Still sleeping." Kirsten answered. "I think she's exhausted. She had along day yesterday." Kirsten said but didn't really have intentions of telling her boys about exactly what happened last night. Ryan and Seth didn't want to force Kirsten to admit to it though. They would see how she was today before they made any drastic moves.

Georgia woke up an hour later and they boys sat down to talk to her while she ate breakfast and Kirsten was in her bedroom getting dressed.

"You ok, GG? After last night?"

"I'm fine." Georgia answered perfectly honest.

"What happened exactly?" Ryan asked.

"It…it was almost as if she was going through detox again, I guess." She shook her head. "I think she's just uberly stressed and she worked herself out. You know dad isn't doing so great and the physiotherapy hasn't made much improvement. She hasn't been swimming in a while."

Seth stared into space. "We should be here Ryan. I mean us leaving can't be any help to mum either. She should have her sons around her."

Georgia frowned. "I think mum knows in the long run you can't stay here. Uni and what not."

"Yeah but she can't put this all on you."

"She's not!" Georgia answered back. "She's not putting anything on me."

"Well she wouldn't tell us about what happened last night." Seth retorted.

"What reason does she have to? So she could keep you both out of college? So she can worry you? So you can put her back in rehab?" Georgia snapped.

Ryan touched Georgia's shoulder. "Ok, calm down. Look…the only person who can tell us what really is going on is Kirsten. It can't just be stress that set her off last night."

"Well…she's been having these dreams…" Georgia hesitated.

"What dreams?" Seth asked.

"Well I don't know really. But she's on a beach and there's a flower. No a rose! And she picks it up but then it dies. I don't know…I think she thinks she's the angel of death or something." Georgia said frowning.

Seth mused. "That'd be an interesting story to write about in English."

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"Hey boys." Kirsten said with a smile as they walked out onto the patio where she was reading.

"Mum we need to talk."

"Is something wrong?"

Ryan and Seth exchanged 'you start' looks. "We just have to be sure that you're ok before we go." Seth said.

"Yeah, Georgia told us about last night." Ryan added.

"I thought she would. She should, you're her brothers." Kirsten said.

"Yeah and you're her mum and you scared the hell out of her." Seth said and Kirsten bowed her head. Seth stepped forward. "Look, we're not mad." He said softly. "Just concerned. We don't want to have to spend everyday worrying about you relapsing."

"That's a huge burden for a 15 year old to carry." Ryan said awkwardly.

Kirsten lifted her head. "I know, I-I know! I swear to you both it's never going to happen." She said frustrated.

Seth sat down on a chair beside Kirsten. "That's all very well to say but the only way you can guarantee that is if you tell us what made you lose control last night."

Kirsten sighed and thought hard before she spoke. The moment she said it, the moment Kirsten opened her mouth she knew she wasn't thinking straight. Sadly things just happen that couldn't be explained easily.

"I'm tired and," Kirsten shock her head "I miss you boys. And I miss the feeling of walking in new shoes and cleaning and getting my own mug out the cupboard." Seth and Ryan sighed, never realising how frustrating it must be to not be able to do the simplest of things.

She looked down. "And I miss your dad so much." She welled up in tears. "And I love him so much and I just want him to come home." She broke down in tears, falling forward into her knees, covering head face with her arms. "I need him to come home."

Seth looked at Ryan pitifully whilst rubbing Kirsten's back. He pulled her round into his chest and hugged her. "We all do mum."

"I'm sorry." She wailed. "I love him, I miss him, I miss him, I do…."

"I know, mum, I know. It's ok." Ryan knelt down in front of Kirsten and took her hand, squeezing it tightly.

Kirsten never knew she had so many tears to cry.

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Kirsten decided that night, if she couldn't see Sandy then she would write him a letter.

Dear Sandy,

Take me back to the place where we first met. Take me back to the good old days when we had that puppy love and we'd sneak out of class, play on the beach and have sleepless nights in our small Berkeley apartment. When you would hold me and suddenly everything would be ok.

Take me back to when we had our little Seth - He was the tiniest thing we ever decided to put our whole lives into but that was a time when we had no regrets.

Honey you have no idea how much I need to see your face right now. Just to catch a glance of you smiling at me would make all my fears melt away.

Take me back twelve days, baby, before the evil met the good. Honey take me back to the good old days.

I love you… I love you. I am in love with you. I am in love with you, baby. I can't get tired of saying that. And I couldn't get tired of hearing it. I love you more than when I first met you.

Baby they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but it just makes mine break. And I'm breaking down. And I know I've only got myself to blame but you see I thought I'd always have you with me. Nothing ever prepared me for your absence.

If you could see me now…I'm twirling my wedding rings, I'm shaking my head, I'm crying, there's words I refuse to believe and words I can't speak; only to you; I'm scared. I don't want to say goodbye to you Sandy. I won't say goodbye. I'm not going to…and I won't give up. No matter what the doctors say. You wouldn't give up on me and you're the stronger one.

And despite all the doubt, I am forever telling you that I love you; I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

All my love,

Kirsten

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ok so I knoooooooooooooow this took f-o-r-e-v-e-r to update. Apologies. But I've already got half way, possibly all the way through the next chapter. And you WILL know what happens to Sandy so breathe deep and relax now. I iddn't plan doing a letter; my fingers just kept typing lol. Please tell me what you think. Thanks for all the great reviews.

Kiki xoxo