"I can't believe this!" fumed Eddy. He, Edd, and Ed stood in the hallway. "My scam is almost finished, and I'm not about to wait for this whole thing to die down! Now that he's such a great hero, he'll want to stop this scam! I won't let it happen! I just won't!"
"What even is your scam?" asked Edd.
"I'm not telling! All I know is that I..." Eddy noticed Ed playing with his pants. Eddy pulled them down to reveal Ed was wearing underwear with Calvin's face printed on it.
"Don't they look good in yellow?" said Ed.
Eddy was now even madder. "I've got a few hours to get rid of this bozo or the entire scam that I've been setting up that's not supposed to fail is about to go up in smoke and YOU ARE WEARING HIS MERCHANDISE!"
Eddy suddenly noticed Edd reading Calvin's autobiography. "Sorry," Edd smiled innocently, "but it's really very interesting. Did you ever hear about his encounter with the 'Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons? Fascinating!'"
"AAAAHHHH!" Suddenly, Eddy noticed Susie wandering around ahead. "Wait...what about a romantic interest?"
"What?"
"Yeah, I'll get him sidetracked by falling for a pair of goo-goo eyes, and then I'll threaten to hurt her unless he doesn't mess up my scam!"
Edd rolled his eyes. "Really, Eddy..."
(sung to the tune of "I Won't Say I'm In Love")
Edd: You've won the prize for rotten judgement
I think it's clear that your plans fail
You may think that he'll get romanced
But you're forgetting he's a kid male
Snoopy: Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
Love isn't in his bones
Your hopes will be smitten
It's just not in his hormones
Man, you can't conceal it
Don't know how he feels 'n
He's just a kid, heavens above
Edd and Ed: No chance, no way
He won't say it, no, no
Snoopy: No swoon, no sigh
He'll deny it, uh-oh
Edd and Ed: Not night nor day
Will he say he's in love
Edd: I thought you'd finally learn your lesson
That you should lay off of bad deeds
You can't remember when you were his age
When romance was not one of your main needs
Snoopy: He'll keep on denying
Doesn't have those feelings
Don't care if you're crying
You'll be mad and hit the ceiling
You might as well give in
'Cause this kid will be livin'
The eternal bachelor life
Edd and Ed: Your plot is nixed
He won't say it, no, no
Eddy: Give up, give in
Check the grin he's in love
Edd: He's only six
Ed: There's no way he's in love
Eddy: You're doing flips read my lips
He's in love
Edd, Ed and Snoopy: You're way off base
He won't say it
Get off his case
He won't say it
Eddy: You've gotta see
He's definitely in love
All of them stopped when they saw Susie walk over to Calvin and say hi. Calvin paused. Was he blushing? Was he shy? Was he in love? No, he just hit her with a water balloon.
Eddy: I guess you're right
There's no way he's in love
Eddy sighed and watched Calvin being chased by Moe, who was attempting an ambush. "Face it, Eddy," said Edd. "He has no weakness." Suddenly, they noticed Jason, Marcus, and Hobbes dropping a chair on Moe, making it look like Calvin had beaten him. It all became clear as Eddy grinned a familiar smile. "Oh, I think he does, Double D...I truly think he does..."
I actually considered cutting this song when the plot was first concived, but I know it's a favorite of many. Still, adding romance would be the most out of character thing ever...so the song became a huge joke. Still, this is probably my favorite song that was altered for this story.