The Hedwig Chronicles
The Shape Of Uncertainty
The beautiful white-as-snow owl screeched before descending upon Harry Potter's windowsill, announcing its arrival and welcoming the piece of oatmeal the thirteen year old boy offered it in his hand. He sighed then, bringing his hand down towards its talons and grasping the rolled package: The Daily Prophet.
The owl promptly flew to its cage next to the boy's desk. There, a photobook was laying open to a page where a young newly wed couple beamed at the camera before engaging in a kiss next to their best man.
Hedwig felt her heart tear inside her small-framed owl form. The best man had once been a handsome and respectable young wizard who could sweep a girl off her feet with a single glance or wink her way.
She would have wanted to sigh then, tell the boy just a heartbeat away everything that weighed her heart down.
Harry, as if on cue, gasped and stared wide-eyed at the newspapers spread out before him. Hedwig, startled, whirled around and glanced at what he might be looking at.
The words "Sirius Black: Escaped Murderer" stared back at her and made her heart hitch in her throat and her blood turn ice-cold.
A traitor. That was what he was. Years of friendship with James and he had thrown it down the bin and had made up lies about Peter just so he wouldn't be suspected. And all of this time he had been on the Dark side and had fought alongside Voldemort just to quench his thirst for power.
Had she ever really known him? Had he been planning his rebellion all along? Had he lied to everyone including herself? Had he lied to everyone who had loved him? Was his natural charism a mask from the real obscenities forming themselves and ticking away in his head? Had he weaved it all just to be one of the most powerful dark wizards of the era? But, most of all, had he used her, and James, and Lily?
Hedwig felt the tears well up in her eyes and was almost too weak to control them. She wanted to get out somewhere quiet, without her godson's niggling presence, and curl up in a ball to cry all the tears that remained after twelve years of solitude and fear. She wanted to retch her soul. Be gone with it. That guilt that stabbed at her.
She knew she needed to be strong and protect Harry from any potential harm, and this now included the menace that was Sirius Black. He was a powerful wizard and had always been somehow fearsome, even when he had once appeared to be on the good side. But it had always been there, hadn't it?
There was now only one way to eradicate him. Her conscience would be most bruised, but she had to do it, even though it would be a trying time.
Harry Potter looked up, bereft, as the snow white owl took off out the window with a sudden whisk of the wings.
- - - - -
I know you're here. Show yourself, traitor. You can't escape me anymore…
The eeriness only added to the deafening silence. In the past, the Shrieking Shack had been a site of terror for the townsmen of Hogsmeade, but she had always felt at ease here, even while not knowing that every nook and cranny was strongly inhabited by the scents of four different yet so homogeneous souls. It resided there still, after all those years of silence. Almost too eerie a silence.
Hedwig soared in the air around the shack, searching for a movement that would betray a presence in hiding. Coming back emptyhanded, she swooped down soundlessly to the ground and immediately transformed into her human form, shivering although she was fully clothed and cloaked. Pursing her lips, she leaned into a window and spied the dark and dusty shack's interior.
"Who goes there?" came a raspy voice from behind her. It congealed her to the spot. Forgetting all about her confidence, she whirled round, startled beyond words, and cried out in sheer horror.
Before her stood Azkaban's escaped murderer, Sirius Black.
His overlong shaggy black locks fell unceremoniously on his shoulders in greasy strands; his tattered clothes hung limply over his once strapping frame as though he had battled the worst creature in the Forbidden Forest and had lost the liveliness that had once made every boy jealous; his once bright and handsome face now held a strange dreariness that loomed over his features like a thick darkening curtain; his eyes stared back at her like one would stare at a stain on a white sheet.
"Who goes there?" he repeated heatedly. Her heart leapt in her chest. His wavering voice had betrayed fear. He probably thought she was a Dementor searching Hogsmeade to deliver the Kiss.
Lowering her hood at a deliberately slow speed, she lifted her chin and met his eyes. Immediately, his hardened features softened and he gazed at her incredulously.
"Hedwig? Is that you?"
Hedwig contemplated him expressionlessly, trying to decipher his intentions. She finally nodded. "Yes."
"Oh, I've been so – I'm really – Hedwig, please, you need to –"
"Sirius," Hedwig cut him swiftly. "I have come only to find out the truth. I will be gone afterwards."
Sirius looked up with anguish in his deep blue eyes and nodded, licking his lips. "Only seeing you here is enough to send me hurling back into reality." He paused momentarily. "You wouldn't believe the atrocities I've had to go through."
She perked up. "Azkaban?"
A frisson ran through him like a leaf in the autumn breeze.
"Speaking of atrocities," she continued with a drawl as she stepped forward to fall into the light cast by the half moon. "Tell me the truth: were you ever inducted in the Death Eaters' circle?"
Sirius stepped back as though she had slapped him in the face, horror filling his face. "You can't be serious."
Hedwig stood her ground defiantly. "Very much so."
"You can't be bloody serious." Horror was soon replaced with anger. "And here I thought you came down here to support my case, help me out of this hellhole once and for all." He paused, narrowing his eyes with each step he took closer to Hedwig. "You saw me the night they died. You saw how angry I was."
Hedwig narrowed her eyes as well. "Maybe the anger was there because you hadn't killed all of them. There was one remaining. Harry's alive as a result of your own fault. You didn't tell your master that his mother was a powerful witch. She cast the protective spell and Voldemort was none-too-pleased by your inadvertance. Hence why you came to me that night, angry, because you had failed to succeed in your carefully-plotted plan."
Sirius frowned, lines forming between his eyebrows. "You are barking mad, Hedwig. I would never have wanted to kill either one of them. In fact," he added, his voice cracking with emotion, "I would have died for them… I wish none of this bloody mess of deaths and war had happened to begin with."
"Because now you have to hide," she snapped, brows furrowing heatedly. "And it's not a very pleasant lifestyle, now, is it?"
"Actually, you gathered that much," Sirius replied hotly after a thoughtful silence. "I admit, being a fugitive isn't the best idea of a lifestyle, but I had to get out. I was wrongfully convicted, Hedwig. I never killed anyone, and I never spoke to Voldemort simply because he's a control freak and because he craves for power. I am not a Death Eater, Hedwig. In fact, they all want my skin back at Azkaban." He looked down to the ground, then back up. "I'm responsible for his downfall, in their minds. Don't you get it? I'm not guilty of anything, except maybe of not properly killing the real traitor."
Hedwig's eyebrows furrowed with confusion. She was still insecure with him being around and so passionate about his escape. "What do you mean?"
"Peter," he replied tersely with his teeth clenched tightly.
"What about him?" she asked, frowning through her confusion.
"He was the Secret Keeper at the time they died. He's the one who went running to Voldemort. Being the bloody git he is, he then went running away into the Muggle world to hide. But I found him and tried to kill him. He pretended I'd killed him by cutting off his finger." Sirius paused, taking a deep calming breath. "You know as well as I do that Pulverising spells pulverise every bit of the person on the receiving end of the spell. So Pettigrew's finger would have disappeared along with the rest of him if I'd really pulverised him, right?"
"Hedwig nodded slowly. "Right," she replied cautiously. "But the Prophet said that you'd used the Avada Kedavra…"
Sirius interrupted her, shaking his dirty head. "I was tempted to. Believe me, I was tempted to, but I didn't. I wanted him to disappear from my sight just enough so that I could deliver him to the dementors." He groaned suddenly, making Cassandra jump. "Therefore, I did not pulverise him. As for killing, well, I almost did. The bastard morphed before my eyes and he was gone before I knew it." His eyes hardened at the memory, thirteen years ago. "He's still out there, Hedwig, I know it." He rummage around into his pocket and produced an outdated copy of the Daily Prophet. "He's been living a rat's life since."
Hedwig stared down at the picture. "I see…" She was at a loss. There was much evidence proving Sirius's innocence, but there was still a nagging little voice in the back of her head telling her to be careful. What is this was all a setup again? Hedwig knew Sirius's whereabouts; she could rattle on Sirius. She hated thinking that way about Sirius, but there was still so much she needed to know.
Suddenly Cassandra felt a rush of warmth. Sirius locked eyes with her for a moment, and dipped his head to delicately press his lips to Cassandra's throat. A low, hoarse, distant voice reached her ears. "Hedwig… Cassandra… I kept the secret all this time."
Cassandra's entire body tensed. Her eyes flew open. She pulled away, the sort of pulling away that fear instills in you. "What secret?" she demanded, voice quivering. What was he on about?
Sirius bit his lip. "You. Hedwig. The owl. I never told a soul."
She frowned. "You mean, that I'm an Animagus."
He nodded. "Yes. I never told."
Hedwig burst out laughing, stinging Sirius as she did so. A sarcastic laugh, bitter and hurtful. "Well, you hadn't much of a chance, did you? Locked up and all… Dementors don't much care to listen to you, do they, they just roam the corridors hoping to catch a desperate whiff of you."
Sirius felt battered under her sarcastically amused glare. "I could have told the visitors. Anything. But I kept your secret. I did."
Cassandra smirked. "And I thank you, but…" here she sobered, "It doesn't help any."
Sirius leaned closer and hesitated to envelope her. "Can I – are you well?" he asked, eyes soft and concerned.
Cassandra looked away, hiding her face to hide the truth. "I'm fine, Sirius. Thank you. Really. I mean, for not telling. That's very humble of you."
He sighed. "It's just – I need to know. I need to know you're well taken care of."
"I take care of myself fine, thanks," she replied nervously.
He licked his lips, bowed his head. He looked so old all of a sudden. Hedwig leaned back on the window frame, awaiting his query because she knew in his posture that he wasn't donw. "And Harry?" he asked in a choked whisper, guilt-striken.
Hedwig swallowed a lump of remorse for doubting him. He couldn't have done any of the atrocities she'd accused him of having done. He was just too heart-broken. "I watch over him," she said softly, then looked up and met his questionning eyes, the question hidden in there burning the blue opals. "He's just like James in every possible way."
Sirius nodded sadly, turning away. "Good. From what I've read in the papers he has a lot of Lily in him, too."
Hedwig attempted a small proud smile. "Yes. He has Lily's eyes."
Sirius mumbled a barely audible, "You should leave before somebody comes wandering here."
Hedwig felt her heart constrict. She pushed herself off the window and wrapped her arms around his neck, nuzzling her nose in the crook of his neck and closing her eyes. Sirius held her close, enclosing her in a tight embrace, and murmured, "I won't ever tell, Hedwig. You're too good."
Cassandra smiled through her tears and quietly sniffled before pulling back slightly and feeling the familiar twinge before the body-shifting. Sirius pulled back completely and regarded her with a mixture of sorrow and affection.
Cassandra smiled sadly through her tears and quickly morphed into a snow white owl before soaring away as Sirius transformed into a great black dog. He looked up forlornly at the stars, hoping for everything and yet not quite able to pinpoint what he hoped for.
Hedwig sailed in through the open window, catching sight of Harry sleeping in his bed, away from the unfairness with the Dursleys and just for a moment away from the worries of everyday life in the life of Harry Potter.
She swooped down soundlessly into her cage and looked out at the stars, wishing life were different and yet not quite able to tell what she wished were different.