A/N: hey, I'm back. Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm very happy that more people are reviewing this. This chapter is very different. Rikku grows up a lot and fast. I hope I didn't rush through it. I tried my best pacing it, but I just didn't want her childhood to drag on for like three more chapters when I know you guys are probably bored. All I know is that if you like pets (i.e. kittens, puppies, or monkeys) don't flame me and say I have no soul for writing what happened. I just don't want any animal activists on my ass.

This chapter is dedicated to one of my betas (Lynn) and her love of monkeys….yeah Lynn... I have no soul.

Leon S. Kennedy-ec-rud: Weird indeed. I'm happy to know that you think you know who it is, but don't be sad if it doesn't turn out to be him.

Sdreamz: I'm glad you are enjoying it so far. Yeah, it's gory. But I wanted to show how a violent death can scar a child. Sorry if it offended you in any way. But if you don't like gory scenes, you can skim through those parts. I won't mind.

Lildevil0109: I'm happy that you like this story. One day I was playing X-2 and I just couldn't figure out why she was so happy to the point of scaring me. It's kind of disturbing having someone being that happy all the time. There are parts where happiness shines through but they are limited for the main fact that this fic is dealing with her mental and emotional problems. Don't worry; I won't torture her that much.

Keep-me-in-Shadows: hey, I really like your new story. It's totally bitchen. (Yeah… I really have to stay away from old sayings from the 80s) Thanks. I'm trying hard to keep the up coming chapters interesting.

Insanely-Hot-4-U: Your reviews make me smile. LoL. I'm glad that it's beautiful.

Shadows13: I couldn't read your review! Unless I rendered you speechless, but I doubt I did that, or was it so bad you ran away? Come on! Tell me what you think…please?

Celsie: Thank you. That made my day.

Now that I'm done with shout outs, let's go on to the fic.

Disclaimer: I'm a student in the Bronx, in an over crowded high school with like two text books per class. You do the math. I. Don't. Own.

Chapter Four: Naughty girl

I reached Guadosalam. I was still confused as to how the woman disappeared after I yelled at her. But my mind wondered else where when I looked around the tranquil underground city. Its roots adorned it as if it were an infectious disease. Yet nothing could suppress its beauty.

I walked up and made a right, I walked up to go to the item shop. The door made a ringing sound that announced my arrival. The shop it self seemed small and crowed with the entire chest, displays of jars, and rugs. There was a picture of a magenta sun drowning in a sea of aqua blue hanging on the wall.

I walked up to the counter and put my bag on the desk. The shop keeper came out from the back.

He was a plump man with a shiny face. His eyes traveled from my face to my chest.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Rikku" his eyes moved from my chest to my face and back. I rolled my eyes and decided to not get angry. Instead, I smiled and acted as if he wasn't staring at my assets.

"Buy or sell"

"Sell" I said taking out all the items I swiped from all the random fiend encounters. They were weighing my bag down. I sold him all my extra items but seven black rings.

"How much would I get for these?" I asked taking them out and placing them on the table.

"375" he said.

"What! I can get more than that some where else!"

"Then what do you propose?"

"2500" I said smiling. Other shops offered this much. The bastard was either very ignorant or very cheap.

"My, aren't you a little greedy." He winked. He smiled a seductive manner that only a desperate woman near death would find attractive.

"How about we lower that to 1500" he said rising an eyebrow.

"1750"

"1650" he challenged me with a stare. I stared back not blinking, unwilling to loose. We were both silent, trying to see who would blink first.

"1700 and you sleep with me" he said leaning over the counter grinning like he won our battle. I blinked but I wasn't shocked at his offered.

"I'm not going to sleep with you" I scowled. He frowned at my anger.

"Well then I guess its 1650"

"A hand job and its 1800" he perked up and nodded his head vigorously.

"Done" he smiled. "We can go to the room in the back where the supplies are." he took out a huge ring of keys.

I sighed and gave him the rings.

I walked out ten minutes later. I left the shop keeper spent on the floor dazed on orgasmic pleasure. Before I left I washed my hands and while he was on the floor I stole back my seven black rings along with enough accessories worth over one million gil. A life of a thief is never easy nor is it honorable.

I made my way up to the far plane. The entrance was guarded by a tall angry looking man. He looked at me as if he knew the irony of my 'deed' to the shop keeper and the nerve of me to visit my mother after wards.

"Do you wish to visit the far plane?" he said in a surprisingly soft voice.

I smiled and nodded my head. He let me through and offered to watch my bag. The empty corridor had an eerie feel to it. Some pyreflies looked as though they were bouncing off what ever they bumped into.

I reached the cryptic dead steps and made my way to the blurry mirror of the far plane. I looked through to see the plate. I went inside.

The soft orange sky was decorated with cotton clouds. I walked to the edge and saw the vast meadows of flowers. The ocean of multicolored petals moved with the gentle breeze. I looked up and thought my mother. Closing my eyes I thought about how she looked like the last time I was with her,

Her yellow sun hair. Her Emerald eyes that sparkled with joy and kindness. Her laughter from when I told a bad joke. The worried look on her face when she saw my injured knee. The smile she had on her face the day we went shopping. The look of surprise when the Sinscale needle went through her. The look of death had she as she drew her last breath.

I looked down to my feet to let the tears escape. I faced up and saw no one. The pyreflies didn't come up with the image of my mother. I turned around. Other people were around speaking to their love ones. I tried again and nothing.

Mom must still be disappointed. I didn't blame her. My life was dipped in sin and coated with a false sugar of happiness.

"I'm trying mom, but it hurts so much to look back" I said to no one in particular.

I turned around and headed to the exit. I had no reason to be in the far plane.

The guard politely gave me my bag. At the corner of my eye the red door to Le Blanc's caught my attention. It was late and I was tired and hungry. I walked down the spiral root.

A tall man dressed in unusual blue clothing, which made him look like he had on a skirt, with small eyes opened the door.

"Well hello little girl"

"Hey Logos!" I said jumping on him and giving him a hug. He pried me off.

"Isn't it a little late for you to be making visits"

"Well, um…" I felt a little embarrassed to say that I was homeless for the night. "I need some place to stay. Just for the night, I promise"

"Where are Yuna and Paine?" He questioned looking behind me.

"Oh it's just me" I said "I'm doing some traveling on my own"

He raised an eye brow.

"I'm looking for a place to stay. So…can I stay here for the night? I'll leave early in the morning?"

He was silent for a heart beat.

"Why not? LeBlanc is asleep. I'm sure she won't mind." He moved out the way and let me inside the luxurious house.

I looked around at the two stair cases that led up to Leblanc's chamber.

"This way. I will show you to your chamber" he said as we walked past the living area into the dinning room. He hit the secret button and revealed the entrance to the underground maze. Quietly we made our way to his room.

I walked in and studied it. His bed was so neatly made that a coin could bounce off it. The nicely swept floor shined from a wax finish. Everything in the room had its respected place. It was neat to the point of perfection. I felt like I didn't deserve it.

"Um…are you sure that I can stay in your room?"

"No it's ok, I'll room with Ormi, I'm sure he won't mind"

"Oh" I said a little surprised. Sometimes I wondered about the closeness of those two.

"Well the bathroom is that door" he pointed to a door that I never seen before. "And if you need anything just knock" he said leaving.

"Well thanks" I said closing his door.

The hot shower really did loosen my muscles. I felt relaxed. I changed into my pajamas and pulled out the journal. Chewing on the pen and reading the last words of the previous entry I remembered what I wanted to write. The pen went to paper and my story started to flow once again.

Journal entry # 3

If I made it my mission to be ignored and unwanted then I succeeded. Gippal, Buddy, and Brother didn't really want me a round. Some new girl named Nhadala started hanging out with them. I of course was jealous.

What did she have that I didn't? Greener eyes?

Nothing I did would gain me access to their group. I gave up later on.

Pops decided that I should get a pet since I had no friends.

When I turned eight, I got a kitten. It was a unique kitten. It was blue like the Ronso. I named him Azure and just like me he was a clumsy cat. Pops hated him because he later got allergic to him.

People said that cats were usually afraid of water and instead cleaned themselves up with their tongues. I thought that it was stupid idea. How could an animal get clean when it's licking itself? I was willing to prove the world wrong. I, Rikku, could make a kitten take a bath and it would like it.

One night, after pops got home from work I decided that Azure needed a bath. We were both playing in my backyard and were full of sand and dirt.

I got Brother's old baby tub and filled it up to the rim with warm water.

I picked up Azure who was meowing and clawing at my feet and placed him in the warm water. He looked so small compared to the large tub. He stiffened up a bit and griped on to me as if his life depended on it.

"I won't let you go" I whispered like a mother. I poured small hand full of water on his tiny body. I smiled as he was getting used to it. I noticed that I didn't have a bar of soap to clean him with. I made him grip the rim of the tub. He curled up to grip even more.

"Stay" I said. He meowed in return. I went across the bathroom and bent down to the cabinet under the sink. Searching through various cleaners and bottles I didn't find a bar of soap. So I took a bottle of shampoo. In the process of getting up I banged my head under the sink and yelled in pain.

After recovering from my injury I turned around and saw that Azure wasn't at the rim of the tub anymore. I looked around the bathroom. He wasn't hiding any where. The floor was clean of wet paw prints. I slowly went up to the tub and looked inside. Azure was under water. I didn't hear him fall in when I bumped my head on the sink. I dropped the bottle of shampoo and got him out of the water.

He wasn't moving. His little body looked skinner since his fur was wet.

I pet him as if he could have felt my touch.

Pops and I had a private funnel for Azure the next day.

When I turned nine, I had seemed to have gotten over my self pity over Azure. Pops decided I should have a puppy.

The small dog was obsessed with biscuits. I would feed him one every time he learned a trick. I would usually keep them in my pocket for easy access.

Since I was nine and the "woman" of the house I was in charge of the laundry. I went into pops and brother's rooms and got their stinky clothes and loaded them into the washing machine in the basement. Biscuit was at my heals barking and jumping around.

"Sorry I can't play boy, I have to do chores." I gave him a biscuit from my pocket and gave it to him. He barked happily and started fighting with it on the floor. I left him entertained and went to my room. I took all my shorts and shirts and put them in the basket. On the way to the basement I took the detergent and nestled it in my clothes. While loading my clothes I noticed that biscuit was a trying to steal one of my shorts.

"Hey" I laughed and wrestled it out of his grip. I forgot the fabric softener. I looked down at biscuit that finally let go and left to get it. When I came back I noticed that he wasn't there. I heard something fall upstairs and guessed that he was getting into trouble again. I dumped the rest of my clothes and slammed the washer door. I loaded the soap and started the machine. I sat on top of it. Some times it would violently shake and I always thought it was a ride.

Almost like cries of agony. They stopped when I hopped off and stopped the machine. The basement was silent. Fearing the worse I took a deep breath. I opened the door to the washing machine. I felt the color drain out of me at the dismembered body that I saw.

I screamed in horror.

We had a private burial for biscuit. Pops said that he was just too hyper; that it wasn't my fault.

Pops decided that another pet would cheer me up from my slump. He gave me an exotic snow white Baboon with blue eyes. At first I wasn't really into the whole monkey thing but when he started to throw bananas at brother and kept picking on him, I fell in love. So I named him Akashi.

I started fighting and improving my thief skills on weak fiends. Akashi was always at my side and proved to be a well fighting partner with his aggressiveness during our battles.

After another successful attack on another Sand wolf, I looked the items that we stole and gained. Akashi was perched on my shoulder leaning in to see.

"Maybe we can make extra giil by selling these, what you think?" he didn't answer. He reached inside the bag and took out a banana and dug into it with his teeth.

I kept looking inside for water to give him when he was done. I felt him tense and his growl. He usually got like that when we were ready to battle. I looked up and saw a Wendigo. The hairy man like giant growled and stared at us.

I froze. My heat beat increased. Panic told me that we weren't strong enough to beat it. The smart thing was to escape.

"Akashi flee" I whispered. I didn't want to upset the Wendigo so that it could attack us. Akashi ignored my command. He shrieked loudly and jumped off my shoulder. He ran towards the fiend.

"NO WAIT!" I fell forward trying to reach him. He jumped on to its shoulders and bit into his neck violently. I got up. Fear or no fear, I was going to get my monkey. I stood in my fighting stance and threw a grenade at it. It roared in pain at the heat. It ripped Akashi from his neck and threw him down on the ground with a loud thud. I feared that Akashi was hurt but he just got up and attached himself to its neck again.

I kept throwing all the elemental gems that it was weak against. The fiend in sudden rage and annoyance took Akashi and raised him over his head and ripped him in half. Before my own eyes I saw my best friend die with in seconds. And I didn't do anything about it. Blood and organs showered him in his small victory.

Suddenly anger and hatred that was deep inside of me unleashed it self. I hit my over drive and blindly attacked with all I had. The battle was tough but I ended up being the victor.

After the pyreflies disappeared and I was healed completely, I walked towards the upper half of his body. His mouth was opened in an eternal scream of pain. I bent down and cried for not saving him.

I couldn't burry him. It hurt too much. Instead I walked away and went home. Pops asked why I came home alone. I told him that Akashi ran away. After that pops decided that I had no luck when it came to pets.

I lived on the next few years in a blank trance. I don't remember much because nothing important really happened. Before I knew it, I was a teenager who was insecure about anything and everything about me. I didn't like my new body. It was like I was forced into adulthood even though at times I still felt like a child.

Loneliness became my new best friend. I ate alone, I worked alone, I even started talking to my self but I had to stop when Pops looked at me funny.

I questioned why no one really wanted to be with me. Why did they distance themselves? Why was I too afraid to go up to them?

Then I figured it out. They knew. Their cold stares told me about my pets, they talked about the kids, and they whispered about the solider. I hung my head in shame because they knew about mom. I was the disgust in their eyes. I was a clumsy bringer of death. These thoughts made me emotionally numb. Nothing would spark a feeling. That is until I met something small, sharp and cool against my skin.

The razor blade was like a reality. It would let me know what real pain felt like. What it was like to be hurt. Sometimes I watched the blood pour out. Hoping that the poisoned liquid would leave me. That it would change me into a better person.

It was a different experience. The pain would alert my heart to beat rapidly. Pumping more blood to my system and making me dizzy. After a while my heart would slow down and everything around me would feel sluggish. Slow to the point where I would get sleepy. That was my indication to stop the wound from getting any serious.

I didn't want to seem like a true addicted cutter. I just did it on days where emotion was immune to my heart. I didn't worry about getting caught. To the world I didn't exist.

Work occupied my mind sometimes. But after work I would see everyone gather together and just laugh and joke around. How I wished I could have laughed and joked with them.

They would all get on their hovers and plan a trip to the other side of the desert where there were races and blitz ball. I doubted they would have invited me to come along.

Instead of trying to fit in with them, I would go to the oasis. It was my favorite place. It was the only place that no one else really bothered to I'd come and plop my butt on a rock and stare at my reflection for hours on end trying to figure out what my real purpose was. And every time I left the oasis, my answer never came.

Staring into the blankness of my mind, I sat at the oasis waiting for a light breeze to pick up. That day I was tired of work, I wanted to be alone.

"Cid's girl?" a squeaky voice from behind me brought me back from my thoughts. "What are you doing here?"

I looked behind me and saw a fourteen year old Gippal.

"Your voice is changing" I said.

"Yeah well you're to talk. I don't see a training bra yet"

"Hey!"

"Sorry Cid's girl" he said laughing. He walked up and sat next to me.

"You know you can be immature sometimes" I grouched

"Hey, why are you so cranky? Is it that time of the month already?"

"Gippal!"

We were play fighting and the next thing I knew he was kissing me. And what surprised the most was that it felt nice. It felt right. We stopped and he laughed a little because I still had my eyes closed.

I felt my face grow hot. He noticed my blushed and smiled that cocky smile that he would forever be known for.

"Never knew that Cid's girl liked me so much"

He helped me up from the rock. We walked hand in hand out of the oasis. I couldn't stop smiling. Why couldn't I this strange feeling. Was this happiness? Was this the reason my heart was beating so fast? Because of a kiss? My mind was telling me that I was going to fast. But my heart was telling me that it would be worth it.

Gippal gave me another kiss. A kiss that sealed our deal. Maybe being in a relationship would help me feel better.

Hiding the relationship from Brother and Pops was half the fun. Sneaking around for late night talks and kisses were exciting. He gave me a different kind of comfort I would expect from a friend. And being two horny teenagers with changing bodies, some things tended to happen.

Besides the sex, Gippal offered a sense of security and that I needed. I never felt abandoned. I just felt that I had to always be with him. It would sometimes bug him but I couldn't help it, he was all I thought about.

Our two year anniversary came up and I was depressed that he wasn't there. The crimson squad caught his interest. He said he wanted to show what the Al Bhed were really made of. I tried to convince him not to go. After all, who ever joined the crimson squad to fight Sin never came back. But he was stubborn.

I decided that it would be best to cheer myself up by going into Gippal's room. I snuggled up into his pillow and thought about all the times we had together.

His pillow had his smell which was of cologne and dry desert. I turned to my side to where his night stand was. I knew he would come back home to me. After all I was his girl. I sighed and sat up. I turned to get up when I saw something alien.

I saw a piece of pink string out of his night stand drawer. I revealed a pink thong. My mind raced with answers to justify the existence of the pink under garment. I didn't own anything sexy. Maybe Gippal got me a gift, and we were going to have fun when he came back. As my mind raced with many excuses my heart seemed to know the truth. It sank in despair. I took a deep breathe. I dug in further into the drawer.

I pulled papers and plans, but what got my attention was a small rectangular box. I took it out and opened it. In it was neatly folded papers. They were all in script and smelt of perfume. I read a random one as tears came down my cheeks.

"Nhadala" I said as I read the signature. I swallowed another sob from coming. I dropped the letter and without thinking got up to run. I tripped and fell face forward. Instead of getting up I sobbed and sobbed. I curled myself up and regretted ever coming into his room.

After my discovery I was back to square one. For safety reasons I avoided any project that Nhadala was involved in. I just knew that if I got near her an all out cat fight would commence. And if pops knew why I was fighting he would have mine and Gippal's head.

Now that I knew the truth, my heart wasn't satisfied with the results. It had the hole that Gippal once filled. Now it was vacant and it needed a tenet. I still wanted to have someone with me. I felt like I wouldn't survive if I didn't have someone who was like Gippal. I still craved the companionship and warmth that he provided.

I went through a lot of dates before I found the right guy. His name was Eigaar. He was the exact opposite of Gippal. And ironically enough that was what I wanted. Unlike Gippal he actually wanted to spend very second of his life with me. In the beginning he filled the empty spot but as time passed I noticed that I would like him less and less. Our relationship soon became one of unrequited love.

I started to fall back into my depression. I started being alone more and more. The reason being that Gippal was going to come home. He wasn't coming home to me; he was coming home to Nhadala. This I said to myself every day.

Letters would come home every week from our soldiers. I knew Gippal would write so avoided any mail day our home would have. I would leave the city and occupy my self with some fiend battles.

I decided on one particular mail day to sit alone near a cliff that out looked home. The night sky was brightly lit but the creamy white moon. The stars sparkled and winked down upon me. I hung my head. It was a beautiful night. A night where Gippal would be romantic and sneak me out of my room. I shook my head of such a thought.

I looked up to see home. It sparkled like the stars with its lights. Seeing our technology advanced civilization made me feel guilty at the fact that sin was running around killing everything it touched. The bright lights made it seem like a small city.

"Rikku?" a male voice said from behind me.

I turned to see Eigaar. He was standing there with an envelope. The wind started to pick up a little and made his hair move. He hesitated a little before walking up to me.

I looked at his face. He wasn't cute but he was a good guy deep down.

"Gippal sent you this"

The envelope looked small in his hands. I took it into my own and let my fingers explore the smooth texture. I felt like my heart was in my throat. I couldn't breathe. Tears started to form. I blinked and felt them caress my cheeks.

"Are you ok?" Eigaar asked "Do you want to talk about it?" his warm hand touched my tear stained check and wiped another one that was coming down. It wiping my tears was something Gippal used to do.

I closed my eyes as images of Gippal flooded my mind. Gippal kissing me, Gippal hugging me. Gippal trying to make me laugh. Gippal with that cocky smile eon his face, Gippal in bed with me. Gippal in bed in Nhadala, kissing her, he was touching her like he touched me. My anger swelled up inside me until it exploded.

"No! I don't want to talk about it!" my voice dripped with venom as I flung my hands in the air. "He could have just cheated on me with anyone else! Why her?"

"Rikku calm down!" He yelled. I could see the look of confusion on his face. I stepped back and slipped he grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him to keep me from falling off the cliff. Holding me from falling off the cliff. I pushed him away from me, we ended up switching places.

"Calm down! He hurt me! The bastard had the nerve to write to me!"

"Rikku!" he tried calming me down.

"No!" I said pushing him hard. I didn't see where he was standing. All I head was the slip of his foot and a scream as he fell down the cliff. The sounds of the jagged rocks and bones breaking were what lit up the night.

Then silence crept its way back. I walked slowly to the edge, my heart beating with every careful step that I took. I looked down and saw him sprawled on the rocky sharp ground. A pool of blood soon surrounded him. It was hard to tell the expression his face had. But if I had to guess it would have been one of surprise and terror.

I felt numb. I couldn't breathe, it was like a dream. I took some steps back until I wasn't at the edge anymore. I turned around and went back home. I knew that no one would ever look for him.

I closed the journal and stretched. I was called to dinner and it was cooked to perfection. After eating my fill I went back to Logo's room and fell down back on his bed. I stared at his red ceiling. With every blink my eye lids grew heavier and heavier. Sleep was taking over and I was desperately losing. Tomorrow is another day. My journey could always continue tomorrow.
A/N: Hopefully it wasn't rushed. Remember no real kittens, puppies or monkeys were hurt. Anyway, chapter five will be delayed. Instead of coming in a week and a half, it'll be two….or three. I know, I'm really sorry about it but I have (forced) AP tutoring for American History (bastard) and I have a HUGE paper on Huckleberry Finn due in that time span (damn you Mark Twain!) for AP English. I, again apologize for it but blame my AP teachers. Now, tell me what you think about this chapter by leaving a handsome review.