Chapter 4
Despair
So that was it then. Touya couldn't even stand to look at him, look at this defiled body. He claimed to still love him but he couldn't even look, and he didn't know! He didn't even know what had happened. Yuki was sure that the second he learned it the love he thought he felt would change to disgust. There was no way that Touya would ever want to touch him again, not after that... that... thing had had him. There was no way.
Yuki crawled out of bed, wrapping the blanket around him, and made his way cautiously to the bathroom, careful not to let anyone see him in the hall. When he got there he locked the door behind him and leaned against it for a moment, trying to calm his own emotions. He was irrationally afraid, though he had no idea of what. He gulped some deep breaths and stumbled to the bathtub, turning on the shower attachment and turning the water up as hot as he could stand. His skin still felt as though it was freezing and the where the water touched him it was so hot that it felt cold.
He dropped the blanket and stepped into the shower, drawing the curtain behind him. The hot water pricked his skin like needles. He looked around for something to scrub himself with. A glance found some sort of loofah-type sponge, probably Sakura's. He poured a generous amount of liquid soap onto it and ran it over his body but he quickly realized that it would not be enough. The filth was ground in, it had soaked into his skin. He needed something harsher, something that could cut into him and take away the dirt, and the pain, and the unclean. Desperately he dropped the sponge and clawed at the skin his his fingernails, raking long red paths on his arms.
He looked down at his chest and nearly screamed in anger and pain; his skin was covered in marks, dozens that he had not made himself. Lightly, he brought trembling fingertips to touch the long red welt across his abdomen. He remembered it. He could hear the crack of the whip that had left it, feel the sting as though it had just happened, remember the voice of Rand on top of him.
"I said open your mouth, Slut. I meant now. There, good boy. Now don't even think about biting down. You'll only make it worse for yourself."
Yuki didn't even realize he was falling; the next thing he knew he was on his knees, retching into the tub drain. Even in his desperation he knew that he would never be clean. He would never really be clean again. The dirt was on his soul, and it would never come off, never.
He bit back a moan that burst in his chest and dripped pain and heartache through his body. And Touya, precious Touya would leave him as soon as he found out. Yuki wouldn't blame him; who would want something so tainted as him? Who would want something so damaged? No, he couldn't hate Touya. Touya should leave. It was right, it was only right.
Maybe Yuki was the one who should go. It was Touya's house, after all. The only reason he had come was because Touya wanted him, and now he didn't. And Yue needed to come to protect Sakura. Yuki clenched his teeth. Well, he'd seen how well Yue protected people close to him and Sakura would be better off without him.
Yuki nodded to himself, water dripping from the ends of his hair. 'I'll go,' he thought. 'I'll get out and leave them in peace. It will be better this way.'
He sat on the floor of the tub and felt tears come to his eyes. It wasn't fair. Why did something like this have to happen to him? His life had been so wonderful, and he'd taken it so much for granted. And now... now it was all over.
Yuki looked down at his fingertips, which had pruned from the water. How long had he been in the shower anyway? Didn't matter; he would never be clean anyway. He turned off the water and stepped out, grabbing a towel and drying himself roughly. Then he put on the fluffy robe he kept in the bathroom and threw the blanket back around his shoulders for good measure. After a quick peek into the hall to make sure no one was there, he darted back into his room and locked the door behind him.
He tossed the blanket carelessly onto the bed and went to his closet. He grabbed the first clothes that came to hand; not like it mattered what he wore out into the world. The important part was just to get away from here. Still... he paused and looked carefully for a moment, before snatching up a turtleneck sweater, even though it was too warm for one. He wanted to be covered, all covered as much as possible. In the back of his mind he felt as though people would see his skin and know what had happened to him. They would be able to tell; they'd see the dirt which wouldn't come out and in their minds they'd know and they'd laugh at him. The Slut.
Yuki flinched and pulled the turtleneck over his head. He walked back to his door and unlocked it, then lay a hand hesitantly on the knob. This was it. There would be no going back. He nearly choked on the sob that welled in his throat. He would never see Touya again. He couldn't. This was how it had to be.
He turned the doorknob and moved swiftly through the house, determined not to let anyone stop him. He even managed to avoid being seen all the way up to the front door. The second he stepped onto the stoop however, he felt his body being seized and his mind flung backwards.
He fought Yue's possession as the moon guardian took over, but Yue still had more will and more control in these areas than Yuki did. In a moment Yue's winged form stood on the front stoop and then turned and walked calmly back into the house and upstairs to Yuki's room.
'DAMN YOU!' Yuki screamed at him in his mind. 'LET ME GO! I want to leave so LET ME GO!'
"No," said Yue calmly out loud. "You are not leaving. I will not let you. If you try to leave again, I will simply transform again and bring you back. Do not do anything rash."
'I hate you,' Yuki spat venemously. 'I hate you with everything in me! I wish you had never created me! I wish Clow had never created you! I want you to die!'
I understand. This time Yue spoke into his mind. I deserve your hatred, even had my motives been pure. But I will not let you give up on your life here. Not for this.
'Go to hell,' Yuki snarled.
Yue shrugged and relinquished control, changing back into Yuki's body. When he was himself again, Yuki collapsed onto the floor with a sob. So he couldn't fix it, couldn't end it, what was he supposed to do? What did Yue want him to do, just live in pain for the rest of his life? Probably, the sick bastard. Yuki wondered if Yue had been watching when Rand tortured him, watching from behind his walls and enjoying every foul second. Yuki clenched his fists in the carpet until his knuckles turned white and his hands began to ache but still he did not let go. The pain was real, it let him focus. It gave him a single point on which to focus his overwhelming anger. He felt his vision begin to fog over with red and fade out, and heard blood rushing in his ears.
In a vague sort of way Yuki realized that he was about to faint and ruthlessly forced himself to breathe deeply. He would not be found passed out on the floor and humiliate himself further.
When he could see again, Yuki grabbed the blanket off the floor and climbed back onto the bed, still in his clothes. He covered himself completely and curled into a ball, feeling utterly miserable.
Previous Chapter I Next Chapter