AUTHOR: trista groulx (the dustytiger)
DISCLAIMER: kim, faith, fred, joey, bobby, jimmy, bosco, davis, sully, none of these characters are mine, i'm just borowing them to play with them for a little while, they belong to their creator and the actors and actresses who portray them, i promise i'll be gentle, don't sue
RATING: PG-13 tops currently
CONTENT: kim/faith friendship, fred/faith divorce, kim/bobby r, faith/bosco sex/ust
SPOILERS: 32 bullets and a broken heart (missing scene/continuation)
SUMMARY: Kim and Faith become friends after they share their heartaches that Valintines day.
AUTHORS NOTES: hmm another one focusing on the kids, i know they're acting a little bit older then they are, but i think it works given the situation, i really hope you like this whole part of this storyline, it was not at all what i had planned but i like it just the same, reviews always keep me going so pls?
Faith was in her apartment, alone. It was so quiet with no one there, she realized. It seemed so empty, more so then any other time she had been there alone. There were pictures everywhere of a happy family who no longer existed she could hardly stand to look at them.
She was waiting for her mother to return with the kids. She never wanted someone next to her, holding her hand, more then she had at that moment. But that was impossible now. Everything was going to hell, and she had to keep it all together somehow.
Even though she felt like she just wanted to curl up, put a blanket over her head and surrender she knew she couldn't.
She had to be strong for her kids, and she had to make them believe that it was all going to be okay, even though she wasn't sure it would be.
It was a relief that a least something had gone right that day. The whole problem with Bosco had all but resolved itself. Of course that seemed minute in comparison to what she was now facing.
She still found it hard to believe that Fred would just walk out on them. It only proved to her how deeply seeded his alcoholism had become. He actually chose to abandon everyone who loved him instead of getting himself better.
She understood that addiction was a disease, but she never thought she'd see how much it could tear a person apart.
She couldn't believe that man she once loved had actually done what he had. She knew he had changed since they were married, but she never thought it had been that much.
Part of her wanted to believe that he would come back once he sobered up. She knew somehow that that was not the case.
He had chosen to drink over his family. She knew that even if he did get better, they probably wouldn't see him again for a very long time, if at all.
Fred was not the type of person who would do something like that toy with another person's emotions. When he acted that drastically the choice he made was permanent, and there was no changing his mind, and she knew that.
She was just shocked that he was able to leave his kids,. They had always seemed like his driving force since they were born. A lot of the time she knew they were the only reason he kept on fighting..
Now she was going to have to tell them that their father was gone, and that he was probably never going to come back. How does a mother tell her children something like that?
How do you tell your kids that their father, who's supposed to love them unconditionally up and left? How do you help them deal with their pain, when you're already in so much yourself?
Faith wasn't sure what to do, but she knew the time would come all too soon where she would have to figure it out. She had to be the responsible, together, one she had no choice.
She knew that Charlie would take it especially hard. She also knew that Emily might try to hide her real feelings about the issue for her, and that scared her. Emily could be so much like her sometimes it frightened her.
Her daughter was a closed book, who did not like to show people that she needed help when she was hurting. Faith understood how hard it could be to put yourself against the world, and didn't want to see her daughter going through the pain of doing that.
She also feared Emily might blame herself for the whole thing because she had screamed at Fred right before he left.
How was she going to get them understand that this was all Fred's choice, and there was nothing that could have been done to stop him?
She saw the door open, and the kids were laughing and smiling. It seemed that they had almost forgotten when they had seen earlier. She was happy they seemed to have dealt with some of the earlier emotions but what was coming up was going to be far worse.
She just didn't know how they would ever be the same again after finding out their father had left them. When they were born all she wanted to do was shield them from the big bad world, but that was impossible.
Now they would see just how bad the world could be at only eight and ten. She at least thought she had a few more years until they had to be taught about the reality of the harsh world around them.
It hardly seemed fair that two kids so young would have to see their worlds crashing in around them. But, as they say, life's not fair.
"Where's Fred?" Faith's mother asked her.
"He's out," Faith replied.
"Oh, well I'll leave you three alone, then."
"Thanks, Mom, I'll call you later?"
"All right, later, Faith."
Faith gave her mother a chaste hug before she left the apartment. As much as she wanted some kind of support in telling them, she knew it would be better if it was just the three of them.
The door was barely closed, when Charlie asked, "when's Dad gonna be back?"
Faith looked at the floor. She had no idea what to tell her kids. She thought that it would be best to just tell them the truth, and not beat around the bush. At the same time she just had no idea what to tell them.
"I don't know when your father's going to be home, Sweetie," Faith told her son.
"Where is he?" Emily asked.
"I don't know," replied Faith.
"What do you mean you don't know where he is?" asked Charlie, worried.
"Just at is says, Charlie. I don't know where he is, and I don't know when he'll be back. Or even if he's gonna be back."
"Did you ask him to leave again?"
"No, honey, I didn't. He decided he wanted to leave all on his own."
Charlie looked up at his mother, his eyes filled with tears. "He's gonna come back right?"
"I'm sorry, honey, I don't think he's gonna come back this time. I want him to, but I really don't think he will."
"So, what happens now?" Emily asked.
Faith knew she should have answers for her children, but she simply didn't. She didn't know what the next few minutes might entail, let alone reassuring them that their future would be just fine.
She honestly didn't know what was going to happen to them. She didn't know how she was going to pay for childcare. She didn't know how she was going to keep working and still know that her kids were being raised right.
A part of her wanted to ask her mother for help, but her mother was package deal with her father. She knew that her father was probably a worse male role model then Fred had been.
Another part of her wanted to just lie to them, but she knew that would make things far worse in the long run. She just didn't know what was going to happen next.
What she really wanted to do was to lock herself in her room and cry for a few days, but her kids needed her, more then they ever had before.
"Mom?" asked Emily.
"Yeah?" Faith said, snapping out of her train of thought.
"What happens now?"
"I wish I knew, Em."
Emily began to cry. Faith hugged her daughter. It was not long before Faith had started to cry as well. She just didn't know what she was going to do. Charlie went over and hugged his mother and sister.
"It's gonna be all right," Charlie whispered, trying to act brave.
Faith was glad that her kids seemed to be helping her with this. She knew that they would all have to work together to get through what had just happened. She knew that she had a great support system with Bosco and Kim.
She just hoped that her kids would get some help from their friends at school She knew how kids could be sometimes, and hoped none of their friends would ditch them because of what had happened with Fred.
The last thing they needed was to lose anyone else they cared about. She knew that this was going to be the hardest thing they would have to deal with, and hoped that they could heal from the experience.
"Are you still gonna be working as much?" Charlie asked.
Faith nodded. "I almost have to," she explained.
"Oh."
"This isn't what I wanted to happen, but we're going to have to get used to changes."
"Are you going to get a new job?" Emily asked.
"I don't think so. It's not that easy to just get a new job."
"But, you could die! Then what would happen?" Emily cried.
Faith had not thought about that before. She always knew her job was dangerous, though she never liked to admit it. At least before she was fine with the idea of Fred taking care of the kids if something ever happened to her.
Now Emily had reminded her just how bad it could be if she ended up more then hurt on the job. Faith knew she didn't want to quit her job, but part of her had to consider it.
"Emily, I'll be extra careful at work," Faith told her daughter.
Emily nodded. "I'm going to my room."
Faith watched helplessly as Emily went to her room, and closed the door behind her.
"Mommy?" Charlie whispered.
"Yeah?" Faith asked.
"Am I supposed to be the man now?"
Faith shook her head. "No, you can just be you."
He started to cry. "I'm scared, Mommy."
"You know what? So am I."
"Is Emily gonna be okay?"
"I think so, I'll talk to her later."
Charlie looked up at his mother, his eyes wide. "What did we do wrong?"
Faith allowed some tears to escape, "none of us did anything wrong. Your dad is just really sick, and he thinks that leaving will help him get better."
"If he's sick why doesn't he just get better?"
"It's not that kind of sick. I know it's really hard for you to understand that, and I wish I knew how to explain it to you. But we're gonna talk to someone about everything, and hopefully he or she can answer all the questions I can't."
He nodded. "Can I get sick like that?"
"No, you're not gonna get sick like him."
"Why'd he go away?"
"I wish I knew, Charlie."
"Is it cause he doesn't love us?"
"I think he still loves you, and he always will. He just doesn't know how to show it anymore."
"Will you ever forget?" He asked, sadly.
"No, I can never forget how much I love you, and your sister. We're all gonna get better from this, all right Charlie. It's gonna be really hard but we're gonna get better."
"I know we will, Mom. I'm gonna go talk to Emily."
Faith nodded, and watched as her son disappeared into his room with his sister. She knew that they would probably be the most help to each other, but she felt a little left out.
She looked around the living room, and made a mental note of stuff she needed to move, or get rid of to help her to forget the pain of Fred leaving. She didn't want to erase him from their lives, she just didn't want items that brought back memories everywhere she turned.
xxxx
That night Faith couldn't sleep. Although it had been over a month since had shared a bed with her husband, suddenly that night it bugged her to be alone. She quietly crept into the kitchen, to make herself a warm drink to help her sleep.
She had just put the kettle on when she heard quiet footsteps behind her. She turned around, somewhat surprised to see her daughter standing there in her pajamas.
"Can't sleep?" Faith asked her.
"No," replied the ten year old.
"How about we have some hot chocolate then?"
Emily smiled. "I'd like that."
Faith got the hot chocolate mix, and the marshmallows out. Then she got an extra mug out of the cupboard. When the kettle boiled she fixed the hot chocolate. Brought the two mugs to the table, handed her daughter one, then sat at down across from her.
"Are you all right?" Faith asked.
"Was it my fault?" Emily asked, matter-of-factly.
"Was what your fault?"
"That Daddy left."
"Of course not, Emily, it was nobody's fault."
"But I yelled at him, and told him that I didn't want to live with him!" She began to cry.
"That's not why he left, Emily. You were hurt, and you wanted him to know that."
"And now he's gone. And I didn't even get to tell him that I do love him."
Faith nodded. "He knows."
"Is he really never coming back?"
"Yeah, Emily, I really don't think that he's going to come back."
"I just want to say I'm sorry to him."
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
She looked up at Faith, not believe what she had just said.. "I shouldn't have said that stuff, Mom."
"You can't take it back now. You never know what's going to happen, you always think that you'll be able to apologize later. It really hurts when you can't, doesn't it?"
"Yeah. I just want things to go back to normal again."
"I'd like that too, but that's not the way life is. Things change, and a lot of the time it's not the good kind of change."
"And you didn't ask him to go?"
"I would never ask him to go. I was going to leave, and find a new place to live, Emily. I wanted him to keep taking care of you the way he had been. I never thought he'd just leave."
"What happens next?"
"We just keep living. We'll go to therapy and talk about everything that's going on. I'll have to find someone to take care you when I'm working, and we just keep living. Some days it's going to hurt a lot, and other days it'll seem like normal again."
Emily nodded. "Is this growing up?"
"Yeah, it is."
"Then I don't want to grow up anymore. It hurts too much."
Faith nodded. "You can't just stop. There are day where I even I wish I could stop it, but I can't."
"Does everything hurt so much when you're growing up?"
Faith shook her head. "No, some parts are really good, and some parts aren't."
:"Will you always be here for me?"
"You know I can't promise that, but for right now, and for a long time I'll be here."
"What if something happens to you at work?"
"Why are you so scared about that all of a sudden?"
"Cause Dad's not here anymore. At least before if you got hurt, we had him. But now that he's gone if you get hurt we don't have anyone."
"I could just as easily get hurt on my way to work."
"But your work is really dangerous. Why do you have to do it?"
"Cause I like to help people."
"You can help people other ways."
Faith nodded. "I could but then I'd be really unhappy. I actually like my job, most days. Emily, you know how I always say you can be anything you wanna be?"
"Yeah."
"That's what being a police officer is for me. It's what I've always wanted to do. When I told my parents what I wanted to be they laughed at me, and told that I couldn't do it cause I was a girl. I told them there were a lot of women who were police officers, but that didn't matter. I wanted to do it even more."
"Really?"
"Yeah, the whole time while I was in training, everyone, even your Dad told me that I wouldn't get a job even if passed all my training. They told me they'd still love me, and not to get upset if I didn't make it. But I did, I had to show them Emily. I had to show them that I could do anything that I wanted to. So that I could tell you one day to be anything you want to be."
Emily nodded. "It's so dangerous, Mom."
"I know it is, and I'll try to be extra careful. I may even ask for a job where I don't have to work the same hours, and be on the street. So that you know that I'm willing to let something go for you, like your dad couldn't."
Emily smiled. "You don't have to, if you don't wanna."
"I don't know what I want right now. I want what's best for you and your brother."
"Why'd he leave and mess everything up?"
"I'd like to know that too, Em."
"Why'd he do this to us?"
Faith went over and hugged her daughter. "Sometimes there are things that we're not supposed to know, I guess this is one of those things."
"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"You sure I didn't do anything wrong?"
"You did absolutely nothing wrong, and never let yourself think anything different."
She was still crying. "Are we bad kids?"
"No, you're not bad. You are your brother are the best kids I could have ever gotten This had nothing to do with you two being good or bad. It was because he was really sick."
"Do you think he'll get better?"
"Probably."
"How could I forgive him if he came back and he was better?"
Faith shook her head. "I really don't know, but how about you wait to figure that out until you have to. Right now just try to make yourself better. All right?"
"All right. If he ever did come back would you be mad if we talked to him again?"
"I wouldn't be mad. I'd only be mad if he hurt you again."
Emily nodded. "Are you gonna be okay, Mom?"
"I will be, just like you will be."
"Are you sure we're gonna be all right?"
"I'm absolutely sure. I know it seems like it's impossible right now, but sometimes you're able to do impossible things to keep living."
"How do you know for sure?"
"Cause I've healed from some things I never thought I could."
"Like what?"
"When I was a little older then you my best friend died. I thought that I'd never be able to be normal again, but I did it."
"How did she die?"
"In a car crash. But right before she left with her parents, I got mad at her about something. I don't even remember what it was now, but it was stupid. And I thought if only I could tell her I was sorry, or something. But that's life."
Emily nodded. "So you're saying that it'll get better?"
"Yeah, it will."
"Thank you, Mom."
"Any time, Emily. I'll always be here when you need to talk."
Emily half smiled. "All right, well, I'm really tired, goodnight."
"Goodnight."
Emily went back into her room. It amazed Faith how much she had had to grow up since the day before. She hated that that had happened to her kids, but she had no control over any of it.
Faith soon went back into her own room, to try and get some sleep. When she did finally fall asleep it was not a restful kind of sleep, and she tossed and turned all night. She even woke up a few times in the night, and cried herself back to sleep.
She wondered how the kids were doing, if she was this bad after deciding that she wasn't even in love with her husband anymore. How could he have done this to hem? How could she not have seen it coming?
tbc...
end notes: we'll be getting back to a little kim and bobby in the next one, i just felt that the kids individual reaction to the whole thing was needed, i'm really digging where this fic is going, and i hope you do too, pls r&r?