Okay you guys, I'm getting serious now. I can not think of an idea for the life of me. You're gonna have to give me some otherwise I will be updating much slower.
Now just for your sanity I'll do this chapter. But I must warn you that it is totally pointless, fluffy, stupid, pointless, lacking major plotline, sarcastic, and pointless—with fluff. And it will be like all of the past chapters combined together—like it's after the Tortall Olympics, Emmy is still here, Kel and Dom are together, and cleon and everyone is alive, but don't worry, I'll kill them again.
Disclaimer: It belongs to TP, JK, and JRR. Yes there is LOTR and HP in here. And star wars. Thank god I don't own star wars.
Whee.
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It was a wonderful day for Nealan of Queenscove as he skipped down the hall with a joyous gait. Many of the people stared as they wondered what the hell was wrong with him, but he seemed to ignore them. Or maybe he didn't even notice in the first place.
Anyway, Neal was extremely hungry because he hadn't eaten since his second breakfast that morning. Now if you must know, Neal was half hobbit from his mother's side. He therefore had a—let's just say gifted—appetite.
When Neal opened the large doors to the mess hall, everyone was inside munching away on their wonderful food.
"HELLO THERE MY WONDERFUL EATING FRIENDS!" cried Neal. He was in such a good mood that he decided to bellow across the whole mess hall at his friends for no apparent reason. And the bellow was indeed quite loud.
OOO
Far far away at the same time…
"Justin what is it?" a women with brown hair and blue eyes asked to her partner in psychic ability.
Justin shook his head dramatically as he closed his eyes. "I don't know," he said seriously. "I sense—a disturbance."
OOO
Er…anyway…
Everyone dropped their utensils in surprise, and the unlucky few who had knives, got awarded with knives stabbed into their legs and sticking out of their eyes in clumsiness.
One such person just happened to be Cleon.
The stupid person—though calling him such would be an insult to stupid people—fell to the ground and started to twitch insanely like a fish would when not in a fish bowl.
Everyone began to laugh and dance in happiness now that the bulky—thing—though that is taking it mildly—was dead.
Kel herself was going into hysterics in happiness, but then she realized that she was showing her emotions. So she stopped her dancing like a monkey and instead continued to eat while everyone else was jumping around and tripping over stuff.
"WHAT THE—OOF!" was one such cry from the King's advisor Emmy. Of course everyone was used to such cries from the clumsy girl because she was so damn clumsy. In fact, Emmy was so clumsy that she lived in the infirmary so she wouldn't fall nor do anything suicidal on her way to the infirmary when she already did something suicidal or fall in the first place.
"This is the jolliest jollyful jolly thing that has ever jollyfuly happened in my jolly life!" Owen said enthusiastically. He then however couldn't say anything else "jolly" because Emmy fell on him.
"Er what a jolly hello," he said with Emmy lying on top of him. "Jolly to make your jolly aquatince?"
Now you must understand that in the world that Emmy comes from the word jolly means, "kiss me I think you're hot." So for such a remark from Owen, he was rewarded with many juicy kisses from the clumsy girl.
Owen's eyes grew wide in surprise, but then he realized that he had a crush on Emmy and began to kiss her back.
"PARTY IN MY HOBBIT HOLE! I MEAN ROOM!" Neal said rather loudly. In fact it was so loud that people from miles away heard him clearly.
OOO
"Daine what is it?" Numair asked kindly as he smiled at her.
Daine screwed her face quite confused. "I don't know, but it sounds like a dying animal."
OOO
"This is a rather good apple don't you think Pip?" asked Merry in a cheery voice as he ate his red, ripe apple down to the very last seeds. Pippin nodded and bit into his fifth apple. Why? Because hobbits have quite an appetite.
"Very good I must say. If only Frodo were here to enjoy the flavor. But he had to run away on a pretty boat because he couldn't suck it up and continue his old life like it was with a missing finger," Pippin said with his mouth full of apple. They were in the middle of a large field having a birthday party for—a hobbit that isn't important. And everyone who was anyone was there.
All of a sudden there was a large cry from the distance. It sounded something like. "ASLSKDFJFJJELKSDFEI!" everyone stopped their merry dancing and perked their ears up to hear the voice.
"OI! That's blsdfhekfhish for 'let's get this party off the heezy yo!'" said a hobbit who was sitting on a barrel of ale. Everyone spoke amongst themselves in shock.
"Well then let's do what the voice says!" cried a guy who looked a lot like some guy in a scary movie that heartdamoose had seen a while ago.
Suddenly there was cool techno music with awesome beats and digital words that you can't understand because they were digital.
Everyone began to dance like they would at a club and got their funk on—yo.
Suddenly Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli magically came out of the bushes.
"Hey this isn't the underwear store!" Legolas said frustrated. Legolas loved to buy underwear. "Dammit Aragorn did you use the floopowder wrong again? This is the third time in the past—." Legolas looked at his Harry Potter watch. "two and a half minutes!"
"Keep you're bow on legolas," Aragorn said as he got out another batch of floopowder. However Legolas didn't have his bow, so he couldn't take it off. I don't know why this is important, but what ever. "Let's try again guys."
"No," Gimli said as he stared at the hobbit party in front of them. "They have—salted pork."
"Yes the salted pork is particularly good," Pippin said as he walked over to his friends. "What the Sauron are you doing here?"
Legolas winced and then angrily said, "DON NOT SPEAK THE DARK LORD'S NAME IN VEIN!"
Everyone looked at Legolas shocked and bewildered. Even though shocked and bewildered mean the same thing, so basically they were shocked squared.
"Legolas," Gimli started with wide eyes. He was drooling insanely because of the smell of salted pork. "I didn't know you were a deatheater. Though I would expect no less from elves."
"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," Legolas said rather darkly.
Then Alanna burst out of the bushes with a yelp. "Damn that floopowder," she muttered as she brushed herself off. Everyone stared at the girl with freaky purple eyes.
"OMY THIS IS JUST UNCALL-."
"Oh shush you!" Alanna said violet eyes burning in irritation. "I've already had enough of that with all of these crazy kids coming to Tortall and everything."
Everyone exchanged glances. Then Aragorn said, "why are you even here?"
Alanna froze for a second as she tried to remember. "Oh yes." She cleared her throat as if preparing to recite an emotional speech that makes you cry. "I have come here to discuss with you the fact that this is supposed to take place in Tortall and not wherever the heck this is. Children are the future. Save the whales. This speech has been brought to you by the Salted Pork Foundation. May the Salted Pork be with you."
Gimli began to froth at the mouth. "Salted—pork."
Someone sniffled from the back of the staring hobbits. "That was touching Lioness."
Alanna froze. Then coldly said in shock, "Who are you, and how the shmer (A/N: new word) do you know my name?"
No answer came.
"Well back to the topic," Aragorn said. He was never one to drift to other things. "Why is this even in Middle Earth anyway?"
All of the hobbits exchanged glances and agreed with nods of their heads. One hobbit however piped up. "Well we heard this voice. It went something like SLDKGHRKENF!"
"No it was more like GKHDKLGHR!" disagreed a different hobbit.
"I'm positive it was EIEREIRCMJC!" explained another hobbit. "And us Everears are good listeners!"
"Everear? You can't hear a damn thing!" shot back a very small hobbit. Don't let his size fool you however, his voice was quite loud and annoying with a loudness that was so annoying that it made even the most loud and annoying people very irritated and noisy—or loud and annoying.
Soon enough the hobbits had started a nuclear war.
"Well whatever that noise was, I'm positive it was from a certain knight that I know in my land. So if I can please leave?" Alanna asked rather rudely.
"Don't you want a spot of tea 'ere or some cheese?" asked a drifting hobbit as he walked up to the Lioness. Then a quite murderous hobbit dragged him back into the fight.
"Please leave before the publicity comes and puts us in museums," Gimli said as he chewed on some salted pork that he stole. Legolas however wasn't paying attention to the conversation. He was instead trying to summon the dark lord. Thank Mithros it wasn't working.
"Who's Mithros?" Aragorn asked as he scratched his head. Aragorn had very bad dandruff you see, and couldn't help such monkeyish behavior.
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS MORTAL! Boomed a voice from above them.
"Well I'm gonna go now," Alanna said quickly. If Mithros was going to do something evil and disgusting to the people here, she didn't even want to be near watching distance. She quickly got a handful of floopowder and stepped back into the bushes.
And to home she er flew? How do they travel in floopowder?
Suddenly, danger had come. Apparently Legolas's plan to summon the Dork Lord had succeeded.
OOO
(A/N: and now what you have been waiting for! A very long, romantic, yummy, KD moment.)
Now back in Tortall, everyone was beginning to calm down from Neal's explosion and Cleon's much wanted death.
Kel was overjoyed about Cleon's death, and went to her lover's room to tell him the great news. She knocked on his door and grinned when Dom opened the door with bleary eyes and only breeches on. Dom obviously loved his sleep.
Kel didn't know what she was doing until she put her lips on his and kissed him sweetly. Dom was also quite surprised because he had no idea why the heck his lover was at her front door, that it was morning, and why she was so happy, and that she kissed him.
"Er…hi to you to?" he said as he welcomed her into his room. He however couldn't keep his arms off of her and wrapped her around her hips for another electrifying kiss.
"I love you," he whispered his lips only scant centimeters apart from hers. Their hot breaths blew on each other's cheeks making the room seem a lot hotter then it actually was. He kissed her fiercely with his arms rising up and down on her back and sides. Kel kissed him back just as hotly as she pressed one of her hands on his chest and the other around his neck to deepen the kiss.
What Kel was here for was soon forgotten as they were taken away in each other's love.
Kel rubbed her hand on Dom's chest as she felt his strong muscles. They broke off the kiss as Dom smiled. He then grabbed her shirt hem and slipped it off of her as once again they began another heated kiss. Dom ran his hands up and down her back and sides, not able to keep his hands away from her delicate yet dangerous body. Kel wove her fingers in his beautiful brown hair as they made out like loves sick teenagers for quite a while.
"Why are you here anyway?" he asked her in between kisses.
"Can't I visit my lover's room everyone once and a while?" Kel asked heatedly.
Dom shivered at her voice and smiled as he kissed her yet again.
When they cut off, Kel smiled up at him with bright hazel eyes as Dom led her to his bed. Kel smiled again as she made sure her pregnancy charm was on.
(A/N: that good enough? I must say it was quite fluffy.)
OOO
Today was a happy day for Thom. After the terrible event at the Olympics and him falling apart all over the floor, he was sent to the infirmary immediately. Duke Baird had kept him in the cold and dull place for months as the head healer stapled, taped, and glued him back together. And now Thom was all better and ready to go back to his room.
He walked/skipped/walked-skipped down the hall in happiness not watching where he was going. He didn't care if someone clumsy, stupid, and just plain clumsy and stupid ran him down and blew him into a million pieces. He was too happy to worry about such unhappy things.
Now that however was not a good idea for our least favorite mage Thom. While he was walking towards his room he heard a cry from above him.
"HEY YOU WITH THE HAIR!" said the voice. It was a girl's voice that sounded familiar but alas, poor Thom's memory was forgotten on Duke Baird's table.
OOO
In duke Baird's office…
The duke was very happy to see his patient leave. He was sick of the mage always complaining about the room being too stuffy and saying that he was a powerful mage. Baird didn't give a crap about the twin. He was stupid and smelled of elderberries. And he hated elderberries with a passion, mind.
The duke decided to visit his table. He likes to visit his table you see, and enjoyed looking at the pretty brown wood.
There was however something quite odd on the table. It was purple, slimy, and unattractive. It looked a lot like Thom's nose. Then Duke Baird hit himself on the head.
It wasn't Thom's nose! How could he think of such stupidity?
Baird wasn't exactly sure what it was, he forgot.
His first guess was that it was Thom's memory and that he forgot to put it in. This, he thought, could lead to some difficulty. Thom could be walking down the hall and then suddenly hear a voice above him, it would sound familiar, but he would forget because he had no memory. And then the girl who had talked to him would plummet him to the ground and kill him.
This however was highly unlikely, so Baird just shrugged it off as nonsense.
OOO
"Who me?" Thom asked after the girl had asked the question.
"YES YOU! YOU HAVE HAIR DON'T YOU? WATCH OUT, OR I'LL FALL ON YOUR HEAD AND PLUMMET YOU DOWN TO THE GROUND AND KILL YOU!"
Thom however was too slow to even comprehend what the girl was telling him. The girl crashed on top of his head, plummeted him to the ground, and killed him. Emmy, the girl who was yelling, stood up and brushed herself of.
"That was good fun," she said cheerily as she brushed herself off some more. She then looked at the dead body before her. "Well I warned him." She then skipped off towards the end of the hallway and tripped down several hundred flights of stairs.
She was off again to fall out of nowhere on top of people with hair. It was very fun.
OOO
Neal heard a thump on the ceiling that made him stop whatever he was doing. The thump sounded like one of a dead body being thrown on the ground and kicked around by an evil guy. Shivers crept up Neal's spine, but he soon shook it off as nothing.
ThumpWas it just Neal's nerves, or did the sound just get louder?
ThumpYes it was much louder. Fear crept up Neal's heart as it pumped faster and faster by the second. Whatever the noise was, he didn't want to know, and it better go away soon or he would have to hit something.
Thump!
Neal bit his lip. The sound was surely nothing natural. Nothing would thump three times in a row in a beat like this had. And getting louder too. Neal closed his eyes as his ears pricked up waiting for the thump again. He didn't want to hear it, but he couldn't help but listen intently.
THUMP
Neal jumped. The thump was right behind his front door.
THUMP!
Neal swallowed hard as he stared at the innocent door waiting for something bad to happen. For a ghost to come out, or a monster to eat him up.
THUMP!
Neal slowly walked towards the door, his curiosity getting the best of him. If whatever the thing was killed him, then so be it, he just wanted to know.
He put his fingers on the knob. It seemed colder then usual. Neal broke out in cold sweat and shivered with the touch. Dizziness swept over him and he closed his eyes.
He turned the knob and opened it, awaiting the horrors that he would soon endue.
When he opened his eyes, they grew wide in horror as he stifled a scream in fright of what he saw before him. Something he would never forget, something that would haunt his dreams if he even survived to dream again.
"IT'S PIZZA GIRL!" greeted pizza girl loudly. "HI HI HI HI HI! REMEMBER ME! I WAS A YOUR SLEEPY PARTY THINGY MA BOBBER! THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN! YOU GUYS ATE PIZZA, CAUSE I GAVE THE PIZZA TO YOU! DID YOU LIKE THE PIZZA? HUH? HUH? HUH? DIDYA LIKE IT? TELL ME! I LIKE CHEESE! CHEESEY SQUEEZY MC PEEZY! MMM…CHEESE! YUMMY! DO YOU LIKE CHEESE? HUH? HUH? HUH? DO YA? DO HIPPOS EAT CHEESE? OR DO THEY EAT GRASS? I'VE NEVER SEEN A HIPPO BEFORE! I HEARD THAT HIPPOS POOP! HEEHEE POOPY! ONE TIME…THERE WAS THE MONKEY! AND I SAYS TO THE MONKEY, 'HEY MONKEY WHAT IS UP'. BUT THE MONKEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING! IT MADE ME MAD! BUT I'M AAALLLL BETTER! EVEN THOUGH I FORGOT TO GO TO MY ADD THERAPIST, I FEEL AS HAPPY AS EVER! I WISH I COULD EAT SOME CHEESE. DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE? DO YA? DO YA? HUH? DO YA? I THINK YOU DO! YOU'RE JUST HIDING IT! SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS PART MARSHMELLOW! ISN'T THAT THE COOLEST! IF I WAS PART MARSHMELLOW, I WOULD TASTE GOOD! MMM…YUMMY ME! AND I COULD SUMMON FLYING MARSHMELLOWS TO DO MY EVERY COMMAND AND WE COULD PLAY GAMES LIKE TIC TAC TOE! YAY! YAYAYAYAYAYAY! WOOT!"
"Oh gods please help me," Neal whispered. And then he fainted from trauma from what he had just heard and seen.
OOO
Now back in Middle Earth something quite amazing, bad, and just plain freaky had happened. Legolas had summoned the dark lord. Or had he?
"This can't be the dark lord! He looks nothing like he does in the Harry Potter series!" retorted Aragorn as he stared at the man before him. Legolas also seemed quite confused.
"He looks like Sauron!" exclaimed A hobbit that had escaped from the nuclear war that was still happening.
"No he doesn't!" said another hobbit. "They have the same overly large nose, but they don't have the same hair cut!"
"Well he's wearing Sauron's clothes! And he could have gone to the barber shop laddy!" said Gimli as she—he looked closely at him.
There was a pop from behind the bushes and two men and a green thing stumbled out.
"Damn that floo powder we must," said the green thing dressed in robes. He had long ears and was very hairy and wrinkly.
"Count Dooku!" said a younger teen as he stormed over to the evil guy. The boy took out a piece of metal. The metal then turned into a blue glowy stick thing that looked dangerous. The stick thing went, 'buzzbuzzwheeowheeobuzzhisswhee'.
"You have found me Anakin/guy who will soon turn evil but doesn't know it yet." Said the guy who looked like Count Dooku and Sauron at the same time. His voice was freakishly low and evil in every way.
"But aren't you Sauron!" asked Aragorn confused and angry. He also was a hint horrified that these freaky guys with glowy sticks came over here and that this evil dude was here.
"Yes. I am both."
"Then we shall kill you we will," said the old, hairy, green thingy. "I need to stop talking like this I must."
"Shut up Yoda," said the teenager called Anakin.
"Shut up I will."
Anakin hit himself on the head. Then turned his attention to the present problem. "You shall die Dooku/evil guy!"
"I will not," he said calmly. "I am your father."
Anakin froze. "No wait that isn't right. You can't be my father, because I'm going to be the father of this guy when I'm all evil and stuff. And then I'm gonna cut off his hand and say 'I am your father' to him. And you are not my father anyway. My father works at Gringotts."
"How do you know these things!" cried Dooku/Sauron.
Anakin shrugged. "Easy. The last three movies came out before the first three. I still don't know why they did that, but," he only shrugged again.
"Wait, movies?" asked count/Sauron. "What do you mean movies?"
Anakin froze. "Er…movies as in cheese?"
"Oh. Then you shall die!"
It turns out that Dooku also had a glowy stick thingy that was the color red. It was glowy and sticky and made funny noises. Anakin and Dooku then began a violent fight with the things as if they were swords.
Aragorn grew quite jealous as he watched the two fight with their hard core skills. They had a lot of fast moves and cool flips and jumps and stuff that made him look like a fish dueling with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich compared to them.
Then all of a sudden Anakin got all hurt and stuff when the burning glowy thing touched his side. Anakin collapsed as he said rude things to Dooku.
"No!" cried the other human guy with a glowy stick. He rushed out with his stick and began to fight for him.
"No Obi don't!" cried Anakin as he lied on the ground in pain. "You can't die now, because I have to kill you and make you fall off of a cliff!"
"Don't worry about it," Obi yelled over the hum of the sticks. The Middle Earth guys watched intently transfixed on the glowy sticks.
"He must fight, he must," Yoda said to Anakin.
Anakin glared daggers at Yoda for talking like that again.
"I'm sorry I am," Yoda said. Then Yoda hit himself on the head for being so stupid.
Then Obi killed the Dooku/dark lord/Sauron guy and everyone was happy. Aragorn died of shame because he wasn't a good fighter, and Pippin was crowned king. Even though he wasn't at all human—or intelligent.
OOO
The life at Tortall continued and everyone was happy even though Pizza girl was lurking the palace and Emmy was falling on people with hair.
Then End
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Um…yea that was even more pointless then the Emmy one.
Oh yes, and vote for your favorite chappie out of all of them! The winner of the vote will be continued in another chapter!
Replies:
HyperLittleCat: hihihihihihi! Heehee that would be quite strange to have them enslave Tortall. But it would be funn. Funn. Don't let the CIA catch you. I spotted them looking for something in your neighborhood. Did you hide something? I wont blow it up tho I promise!
Arwen-Dragonrider: hi lo! That's OK, as much as homework is evil, we have to do it. You sneaked! Ooo how dedicated! Very nice! Thanx!
Sull89: I liked that line too. Okay I wont kill you…I don't want to kill you anyway. You write such nice reviews that there is no point to! Mmm…food. Yes food is very good. Especially sugar. Sugar good…
Jeweled Rose: Was this chap fluffy enough? The next one will be super fluffy I promise. If you vot for the KF chap as your favorite there will be tons of KF fluff and Neal moments. Lol. How exciting!
Ethuiliel: yo! Yes I have very talented shirts! Baird/Kel! What is wrong with you woman! Omy—that is so nasty. Wow…(goes to therapy) you scared me for life. Baird Kel? Jeez…what is in that mind of yours.
Queenofdakittys: mmm biscuit. Thank you! How was the KD in this one? Yes the lst chappie was really funny! I liked it a lot! Mmm…story yummy…