Mehehehe. This has got to be a record. Updating twice in one day. Awesome stuff indeed. I just couldn't resist not putting this chappie up in another week. U have a lucky treat you do my fellow readers.

Okay well actually it isn't that big of a deal. And I know you don't care, so let me just start.

This is a Harry Potter/Tamora Pierce crossover so y'all know.

Disclaimer: I own neither JK's nor TP's genius work. Nor do I own JK or TP themselves. That would be an incy bit creepy.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once upon a time in a land called Tortall, there was a knight in training named Neal of Queenscove. But who cares about introductions. We all know who he is. We all love him, so why bother?

Anywho. Neal was in Kel's room spying. He didn't know why he was spying, he just found it to be occasionally fun. So he was spying in her room for cool secret things that he could joke about with her and his friends.

"Wow. I didn't know Kel was a girl," said Neal as he looked at her clothes that were piled in her trunk carelessly. Alas, it was a day of discovery for our little Neal.

"Hey cool, glass cat things. It's kinda creepy how they're waving at ya though," Neal said as he picked up one of her Yamani cats. The one he was holding was so ugly that it very much resembled more of a lamp then a waving lucky cat.

Now you see, Neal was known for his sweaty fingers. And so one could guess what happened next. Whoops, there goes the lamp/cat thingy ma jig.

"I wanna do a jig!" said Neal happily. He seemed to be in a dancing mood.

No, Neal. Drop the cat.

"Dancing is funny!"

DROP. THE. DAMN. CAT!

Neal glared. "Jeeze. Some people are so forceful." He let the cat slide from his slippery hands where it broke into 7,569.89 pieces on the floor.

Thank you. Now Neal was feeling incredibly stupid and guilty for breaking Kel's lamp—er—cat. In fact now he was starting to regret that he even sneaked into Kel's room in the first place.

"Damn me and my sense of adventure," Neal whispered as he tried to sweep up all of the pieces with no luck. "There has to be an easier way to clean up all of these pieces."

All of a sudden something unexpected happened. The glass cat suddenly got repaired by magic.

"Magic? Now we all know that there is no such thing as magic!" said Neal maybe a little too cheezily.

Poof.

All of a sudden an old man dressed in a funny hat and a dress poofed in front of Neal. (A/N: sorry about making fun of any of the HP characters. Don't take it offensively. It just makes it funny.)

"I, am Albus Dumbledore," said the old man with a full voice as he stood in front of Neal.

"Wow. That's a funny name. How did you go all poof and stuff? Usually people don't just appear in front of me."

"Magic. You are a wizard Neal."

"Really? That's cool."

Dumbledore seemed to be expecting a more dramatic reaction. He looked at him dryly. "You're supposed to be surprised."

"Oh. Wow! I never knew! What's a wizard?"

Dumbledore smiled. "A wizard is someone with magical powers. Now since you are a wizard, I would recommend you go to wizard school, where you can evolve your powers and poof out of nowhere!"

"You mean I could go poof too?"

"Yes Harr—Neal."

"No thank you."

"What?"

"I'm training to be a knight."

Dumbledore's brows raised above his retreating hairline. "I see. But being a wizard is much more fun. You get to have a wand. And you get to fight evil guys."

"Well knights get to have swords, and we get to cut off heads."

Dumbledore seemed to be at a loss. The witty Neal had outrun Dumbledore. And that was quite impressive. "Well, you don't know what your missing, Nealan. Goodbye."

"Ok Fine! I'll go!" cried Neal. Dumbledore smiled.

"Hold my arm. We're going to go poof."

"Oh. Yay!"

Poof.

OOO

"Hi. I'm Harry Potter," greeted teenager with raven black hair and a weird shaped scar on his forehead. "I'm a fifth year here at Hogwarts. You seem a little old to be a first year. VOLDEMORT IS BACK! BEWARE! BWA HAHA!

"OI! WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!" called a loud voice from a table next to theirs in the great hall. "Bloody maniac."

Harry rolled his eyes. "People think I'm delirious."

Neal stared at him. "You have something on your forehead. Do you bathe often?"

Harry laughed. "No—well—yes I bathe very often. But it's not a smudge, it's my scar." His voice turned into a whisper. "From Voldemort. HE'S BACK! HE'S BACK!"

"Oh. Cool. My name is Nealan of Queenscove. But call me Neal." They shook hands.

"Pleased to meet ya Neal."

"My name is Hermione Granger," piped up a brunette girl next to Harry. "I'm Harry's friend. I help him with his homework."

"Hi, herm-io-ninny," said Neal as the two of them shook hands.

"Her-mi-O-knee," Hermione corrected. "Victor Why did you leave me?"

"uUm…that's special," said Neal creeped.

"And I'm Ron Weasely. I'm Harry's friend also. I like to say bloody hell a lot."

The both of them shook hands as well.

"So what part of England are you from?" asked Hermione curiously.

"What's an England?"

"England is a country in Europe," informed Hermione in a teacher like way. "You must be foreign."

"I'm from Tortall."

Hermione thought for a moment. "Never heard of it." The both of them shrugged.

"Well, we better leave," said Ron as Hermione and Harry stood up. "We have to get ready for classes tomorrow." Neal waved them off as he talked to a few other people.

OOO

"OH MY BLOODY GOODNESS. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. AHHHHHHHHH. BLOODY FREAKIN HELL! AHHHHHH. IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS BLOODY FREAKIN EVIL WHAT THE BLOODY HECK IS BLOODY THAT! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE BLOODY KIDDING ME! AHHHHHHH. AH. AH. AH. AH. AH! IT'S—IT'S—IT'S—IT'S BLOODY HIM! OMY BLOODY GOSH! HOLY BLOODY SHIT! WE'RE ALL GONNA BLOODY DIE! I'M GONNA BLOODY THROW UP, AND THEN I'M GONNA BLOODY DIE! MOMMY!"

Hermione stared at Ron amused. "Wow. Twelve times, Ron. That's gotta be a record."

"I don't think I've ever heard someone say bloody so much in my life," said Neal with wide eyes

"Students, calm down!" roared the voice of Dumbledore silencing the voices of all of the Hogwarts students. They were all standing in the mess hall. "Even though Lord Voldemort is currently knocking at our front entrance, doesn't mean that we should be panicking.

He has to be kidding right?

"What do you mean we shouldn't be panicking!" cried a student in the crowd. "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is at Hogwarts to come and slaughter us!"

Dumbledore sighed. "I hate being headmaster," he mumbled so no one else could hear him. "WELL THEN WE'LL FIGHT HIM!" he told them loudly.

"Yea! Long live the Order!" cried Lupin from a window. He waved. "High Dumbledore! I was skydiving and decided to literally drop by!"

Dumbledore hit his head with his hand.

All of a sudden there was a crash as the mess hall doors slammed open.

"Damn," whispered Snape. "I knew we should've locked the doors." (A/N: So sad. I used to love Snape until sixth book. Oh well. If you've read HP 6, you know what I mean.)

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHARDYHARHAR! HARYHARHAR! HAR! I AM LORD VOLDEMORT! I HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR SOUL! WHEEE!" bellowed an evil voice from the mess hall door.

Lord Voldemort, who was wearing a long black cape, lowered his hood. When he did, he revealed that—wait. What the hell?

"Roger!" Neal cried alarmed as he stared at the once hooded Voldemort. Indeed it looked to be none other then Roger.

"Neal! What in the name of all things evil are you doing here?"

"That's what I should ask you! I thought you were dead!"

"HAHAHA. I was. You see, when I went to the black god's realm I got bored. And their food tasted really bad. I swear the French fries were made out of toenails. So I decided to leave and call my self Lord Voldemort."

"Well that's screwed," said Neal confused. "I always thought the food there was going to be good."

"Yea I know," agreed Roger. He shrugged. "So when I became Lord Voldemort, I wanted to be the most powerful wizard. My anger at not becoming king still hasn't left me. Damn you Alanna. I always knew that purple eyes was a bad sign. So I got married and—."

"Wait. You got married! To whom!" Neal asked surprised. He really needed to catch up on the latest gossip.

"Honey! Come here please!" Roger called.

Delia poofed out of nowhere and smiled at Neal flirtaciously. "Hi Neal."

"Eww Roger. That's disgusting. And how does Delia know me anyway? We're not even in the same series. Us two aren't even in the same series!"

Roger shrugged. "When you die, you know everything, and everyone."

"Well that's great," said Neal dryly. "But why are you here anyway?"

"Oh. We're here to steal your cheese. We ran out at the house."

Cricket. Cricket.

All the students stood silently with confused faces.

"Neal. I have a secret," Roger said out of the blue. "I am your father."

Cricket. Cricket.

"Okay, that's where I have to draw the line," said Neal disgusted. "There is no way—."

"Yes there is."

"I'm not listening!" sang Neal clasping his hands over his ears.

"But it's true," insisted Roger.

"AVADA KADAVRA!" roared Neal loudly while pointing his wand at Roger.

Roger exploded and Delia choked on one of the Roger chunks and died. Yay.

"Neal. You killed Voldemort!" said Neal happily. "People won't think I'm disturbing anymore!"

"Yeah, but they'll still think you're mental mate," said Ron slapping his back. Harry's shoulders drooped.

"When will the world understand me?"

"Nealan of Queenscove!" boomed the voice of Dumbledore. "Even though you destroyed the most evil wizard of all time, I'm sorry to say that I have to expel you! It's time for you to poof back home."

"I get to poof again! Sickness!"

Neal poofed back to Tortall,

Poof.

OOO

"So, Neal," Kel started with an emotionless face. "Why have you been spying in my room?

Neal stared back at her with a confused face. He had only poofed back about ten seconds before she found him. "Um…I wasn't?"

"AVADA KADAVRA!"

"Kel! That's against the law!"

"Oh. Right."

"I luv acid pops."

"Sure ya do Neal. Do you know what those things do to your tongue? You should eat more vegetables."

Neal gagged.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lol. Kay that was fun to write. Yay I'm done.

Replies:

The Hobbit Lass: thanks. Lol. I updated again today! Yay! And Roger died in this one too. Fun stuff. Lol.. Ya I bet he did. Stupid oaf.

Queen of da kittys: hope ya like this one better. Lol. I had writers block on the last one. No prob tho.