Sorry (again)
It's finals and I'm swamped. Pretty sweet. I've also had writer's block. I had no idea what to have the guys do. I still don't…but hey. What chapter in this fic DID I know what I was doing?
Disclaimer: I own me and nothing else.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
In the last chapter…Kel and Neal had a bet on who was more bad ass then the other and decided to have a competition on it. So they both rounded up their teams. The Girls: Kel, Alanna, Yuki, Kitty, and Romeli. And the Boys: Neal, Merric, Faleron, Raould, and Owen. The Girls already completed their first task of three. The first task was screwing over an old man as bad as possible. Besides that, the King got his lingerie stolen and was beaten by pointy antlers, George ate Thom, and heartdamoose gave genius commentary as a judge.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONeal, to put it lightly, was as terrified as a deer who just walked in front of bright headlights and the driver of the car was a blind man who loved hunting, and whose favorite food was skinned, roasted, deer on a stick.
If cars existed of course.
Nevertheless, Neal was still quite scared. The girls put on quite a kick ass show. He looked at his teammates hesitantly as they walked onto the field.
"Do you think we can beat them?"
Faleron gave him a 'your crazy' look. "Hells yeah."
"Alrighty then."
"Let's get this show on the road," said Merric as he rubbed his hands together. They walked up to a different old man who looked equally as stupid.
All of sudden, with a shocking hilarity, Neal tripped over a very small pebble. His body lay sprawled and lifeless on the ground.
Kitty and Kel exchanged looks as they watched. Kitty licked her lips. "Look at that defenseless human lying like bait. He looks so…flammable."
Kel's brows rose. "You better not eat my friend. Or I'll eat you."
Kitty smiled. "If I ate your friend, and then you ate me, then you would be eating your friend. It's like transitive property."
Kel paled. "Then I'll cut you into bits and not eat you."
"Shut up both of you! I'm trying to watch!" snapped Alanna as she glared at them.
There was a growl from Kitty that was soon followed by silence as they watched.
Back where the real action was, the rest of the boy team stood around as the old man came up to Neal's body.
The old man clicked his dentures. "This reminds me of the time when I almost ate my peni—."
Faleron's eyes widened. "Woah there old guy! Don't you want to help my friend get up? I would…but…I just got my nails done."
Cricket Cricket"Jolly gee Fal!" exclaimed Owen. "I had no jolly idea you got your nails done. Well as I always jollily say…a jolly man who looses his jolly nails is no—. Ouch! Why did you elbow me!"
Owen rubbed his elbow protectively.
The old man walked up to Neal. "Are you oka—oof!"
Neal tripped the old man with his foot. The old man fell with a bellow into a bathtub full of clam chowder.
"Wash up old guy," said Faleron as he walked up to the old guy. "He handed him a cloth."
Merric gasped unconvincingly. "Oh no Faleron! Don't use that! That's my lucky towel. Use this!" He handed Faleron what looked like sweaty spandex.
"Hey that's my spandex!" hollered Jonathan outraged. "You perverted fools! Give me back my lucky spandex! I won Alanna with those!"
Alanna's eyes widened. She looked away and rubbed her nose innocently. "Let's pretend that never happened."
Romeli stared at the Lioness. "Let's."
Merric looked at the spandex disgusted and quickly handed it to Faleron as if it were some disease.
It probably was…
Faleron threw it at the old man like it was a hot potato. The old man held it in his hands for a moment before stuffing it in his mouth and eating it elegantly.
(Don't know where that came from…)
The crowd roared with laughter as they pointed at the old man who was probably going to get some Jonathan disease and die slowly and painfully. Hilarious.
Owen walked over. "Hi jolly old man. Would you like a radish?"
Neal gagged.
"Why yes…I am gay."
Owen backed up a step. He pointed to the radish and began to speak slowly. "This is a rrraaaaddiissssshhh. It is fooood. Unnndertaaannd?"
"If only I had my spleen back."
"That's rather odd," said Owen. "Just take the damn radish!"
The old man took the radish and ate it. "Hey! This isn't my medicine! This tastes much worse!"
"If you eat it all…then I'll give you a prize!"
The old man took a bite. "Is it denture cleaner?"
"…No."
Another bite. "Numair's toe?"
Numair looked up. "I heard that!"
"Nope."
"What about a—."
Just then there was a cry in the distance that sounded a lot like "Garhulshipolusinjerifinyorkpobrtherweesnawdjleinfalkjf!"
Now Owen just happened to know southern Italian and translated it roughly to "Fetche La Vache!"
Owen was quite perplexed. Fetch the cow? That wasn't part of the plan.
There was a moo in the distance! And suddenly…with scientifically perplexing speed, a cow crashed down on top of the old man with a thump.
Romeli clicked her tongue. "Poor thing. Having to squish an old man. I feel so sorry for her."
There was another roll of laughter from the crowds. Even heartdamoose was laughing. Mostly because she saw Spamalot and found this highly amusing.
Heehee.
"ALRIGHT JUDGES!" cried Emmy from her commentary booth. "WHAT'S THE SCORE?"
Numair flipped back his hair. "Well, the clam chowder was a nice touch. It just happens to be my favorite food. And the whole cow thing may have been overdoing it. And besides…it was scientifically impossible. I'll give you a seven."
Heartdamoose looked at Numair. "Hey…did you know it's illegal in Alaska to throw a moose out of an airplane?"
Numair looked at her confused. "What's an airplane?"
Heartdamoose looked hesitant. "Er…never mind."
"Well I for one thing that it was well pulled off. Though it was not as organized as the girl's team. It was perhaps a little more surprising however. I'll give you a nine," said George.
Heartdamoose tapped her finger on her chin. "Well, Neal, since I find you physically attractive, I'll give you bonus points. It was a damn good show and highly amusing. I love the Monty Python fetch the cow thing. How did you ever come up with that? Whoever thought of the Idea must be a genius. And I love messing with the old people. I give you a ten."
Neal ran his hand through his hair. "It's the looks."
The rest of the boys rolled their eyes.
"ALRIGHT…THE NEXT CHALLENGE IS CALLED BADASS FASHION. YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO HAVE A FASHION SHOW. WHICHEVER TEAM HAS THE MOST BADASS CLOTHES…WINS."
The girls exchanged excited looks.
"Come on girls…let's get ready. We got a fashion show to do!" said Yuki excitedly.
Meanwhile the boys looked doubtful. "We're screwed."
"Damn straight," said Neal staring distantly.
"You're straight?" asked Merric with a grin.
Neal elbowed him. "Come on guys. We still have a chance. Who says guys can't be fashionable?"
OOO
"UP FIRST IS THE GUYS FOR THE FIRST EVER TORTALL FASHION SHOW!" announced Emmy as she yelled into the speaker. She then tripped over a conveniently placed fish head and fell down the judge booth stairs.
Faleron gulped. Why was he so nervous? He stepped on the runway and struck a sexy pose. He then walked down the runway with a hot smile that said 'I'm a knight and I'm hot'.
"Here we see Faleron wearing the latest new hot trend of Corus. The incredibly tight tights show off the manly curves of our knight. Now the silk really shows off the texture of his fine dark features, so for all you ladies out there with a dark man in the house. Buy him this." Emmy winked as she commentated. "His tunic which sports the Tortallan crest shows off the Tortallan pride of our country and really shows how confident he is to be wearing it in bandit country or on trips where he can get pummeled and speared multiple times. It just shows how bad ass our little knight can be, eh?"
Faleron struck another pose at the end of the walkway and pivoted.
"Work it Faleron!" cried a voice in the crowd. More cheers were heard.
Faleron winked at the crowd and walked off of the runway. Merric came on next. He turned to the side in a pose and started to strut his stuff down the runway.
"Now Merric is wearing the newest bad ass hit with the black tunic with threatening skull and breeches with many chains and spikes on it. The look practically says, 'I'm bad ass, do you have a problem with it?'. If you're looking for a raise from the boss or you're just trying to scare the neighbors, wear this. It'll have them jumping out of their clothes. Now if this isn't bad ass, I don't know what is," announced Emmy as she spoke into the microphone. "This line also comes in black, very black, ebony, and so dark blue that you could classify it as black."
Merric pivoted and swayed his hips as he walked off of the runway. Next on came Owen.
"Here Owen wears the classic formal bad ass look. The long black cloak really gives him the 'I'm dangerous' look to him. And the top hat gives him a mysterious aura. A gangster bad ass indeed."
Owen flipped back his long thick cloak to show what he wore underneath.
"Now underneath this dangerous cloak is the silk off-white tunic that makes him almost look like a pirate. Well pirates are bad ass aren't they? His breeches are tight, but not too tight. A fashion hint guys: too tight of pants may look hot, but if you wear them wrong they make you look gay."
Owen winked at the crowd and walked off the runway.
Raould, who the author had completely forgot about because she has crappy moose memory, stepped onto the runway and put his arms in the air as he struck a sexy pose.
"Ah yes. Here we see the heir to the throne wearing a black blazer with a red shirt underneath. His tights are tight to show off the muscular knight legs. Sexy…"
Raould strut down the runway swaying his hips in a 'I'm hot' type of way. At the end of the runway, he swiveled to the side to show off his manly curves and walked off.
There was a cheer from the crowds and girly screams as Neal walked on. He pointed to the crowd and winked.
Someone fainted in the distance.
"Oh la la!" exclaimed Emmy. "We haven't seen this fashion around here yet. It is the newest fashion in the Copper Isles wear everyone gets their bad ass on. Here we see him wearing jeans, something that Tortall has not taken to quite yet. The jeans are tight and look a little girly. The white belt accents his slim yet muscular look. Notice how the dark red shirt has the word bad ass imprinted on it. I like indeed. I won't be surprised if Tortall picks up to this new look now. Oh man…is it hot in here or what?"
Neal grinned his white-toothed smile and winked to the crowds. He swiveled to the side and ran a hand through his hair. He then walked off the runway much to everyone's dismay.
"JUDGES! WHAT'S YOUR SCORE?"
Numair nodded. "Those were indeed some pretty bad ass looks you got there. My personal favorite was Owens. The cloak is freakin awesome. The crowd really got into it as well. And as I always say…the crowd is key.
Romeli looked confused. "He doesn't say that."
Numair grinned. "I give the boy's team a ten. Great job."
George stroked his chin. "A very good job indeed. I must say that those looks will really sport a new trend in Tortall now. You guys really changed the country with your fashion show. I give you a nine."
Heartdamoose looked at the boys team. "That was the greatest fashion show ever!"
There were screams of agreement from the crowds on heartdamoose's wonderful commentary.
"Neal…you're sexy outfit practically had me out of my chair. You really turned me on. Everyone probably agrees with that right? Do you wanna go out?"
Neal did a sidelong look at Kel. He grinned. "Sure! You're hot, I'm hot, why not?"
Heartdamoose flipped back her hair. "Well then, I give you guys a 10."
Everyone cheered.
"ALRIGHT THEN!" announced Emmy. "NEXT UP IS THE GIRLS TEAM FOR THE BAD ASS FASHION SHOW!"
Alanna exchanged glances with everyone else and grinned. "Ready girls?"All of the girls nodded with eager looks.
Alanna walked up on to the runway and leaned on one hip in a pose. She began to show her bad ass stuff on the runway.
"Now if this doesn't say bad ass, I don't know what does. Alanna is sporting a bright red dress with a low neckline that practically says, 'Yeah I am hot, but I know how to beat your ass as well'. The dress is easy to fight in with its stretchy material, so you can kick someone's ass and look good as well. If you're a lady, and you have weapons, then you gotta have this dress. This gown also contains twenty…that's right twenty…weapons pockets to store pointy objects in. This outfit also comes in black, purple, and green."
Alanna did a little turn, her dress swaying with her as she walked off the runway. Yuki came on next with a seductive smile on her lips.
"This is for all you Yamani ladies out there," announced Emmy. "Yuki here is wearing the classical kimono with a little twist. The blackness of it all brings out the hair and gives you the dark look. And the maroon lace on top of it makes it all the more elegant, in a deadly way of course. The short kimono shows off the silky long legs that all Yamanis seem to have. And the black bow in the back makes you seem innocent. Yup…if anything…this is a bad ass outfit."
Yuki smiled and walked off of the runway. Up came Kitty…oh my goodness.
"Now this must be the top of it all folks," announced Emmy in shock as everyone else gasped. "Truthfully, if this ain't bad ass, then nothing is. Kitty is wearing a very black gown with long sleeves that widen out in a very witch-like way. The dress has a low square neckline lined with what looks like…teeth. The short dress accents the paleness of her legs and really makes all the chains and whatnot hanging off of her look shiny. The long big boots really pull the whole gothic look together. I'm telling you guys, if she kicks you in the wrong place, you might as well commit suicide, because your manhood will be obliterated."
Just about every man the stands winced. All the ladies in the crowds just laughed.
Kitty growled at the crowds and gave them a deathly glare before walking off the runway. Human mating rituals are fun… she thought grinning.
Up next was Romeli. She walked up onto the runway, and flipped back her green hair in a double-flip that had everyone in the crowds stare in awe.
"Here we see Romeli wearing the newest sexy bad ass clothes of Tortall. This is a Lalassa original with a deep forest green. The low neckline shows off her naughty curves. Though the dress may seem simple, it is still quite bad ass. The sloping hemline of the dress shows off her perfect long legs and the high heel boots, though they seem elegant, can really give the enemy a kick that he doesn't want anything to do with. Overall, this green goddess really knows how to bring out the badness inside of her."
Romeli struck a few poses, her sweepy green hair accenting her face perfectly. She winked at the crowds before walking off with swaying hips.
Numair hit his head with his hand. "What the hell is my daughter wearing? Is she trying to get raped?"
Heartdamoose hit him on the head. "I knew I made you too protective when I characterized your personality in the story."
Numair looked at the angelic moose oddly. "What are you talking about?"
Heartdamoose looked at him innocently. "Oh…nothing." She took out a notepad and began to write in it. Note to self, she wrote. Next chapter, kill off Numair for being too territorial. She looked up at Numair with an evil grin before scribbling more things down on her notepad.
The last person was Kel. She came up onto the runway and propped her hand on her sword.
"Now Kel is wearing what I would call the damsel who's definitely not in distress look. Her tight black leather pants show her warrior legs and the sword on her side hooked onto a black leather belt really brings the 'fear me' out of it. Her black leather shirt has a zipper in the front for quick changes on a bad ass mission. The sleeves go down to her elbows for mobility. Don't you just hate fighting the bad guys in outfits that you can't move in?"
Kel took out her shukusen and threw it in the air elegantly. She caught it with her hand and spun it quickly before folding back up again and putting it away in one smooth move.
"This warrior outfit also comes with a shukusen pocket so you can bring your fan with you on those missions. This outfit also comes in white, pink (for all you court girls who can't help but be girly), and red."
Kel blew a kiss to the crowds and walked off of the runway.
"JUDGES, WHAT'S YOUR SCORE?"
Numair stroked his chin. "Well, it was pretty good. It really shows how bad ass the girls of our country can be. However, some of these outfits I found highly inappropriate. Therefore, you guys get a 7. Oh, and Romeli, you're grounded."
Romeli gaped at him. She smirked. "Whatever, he knows I'll just sneak out anyway."
The rest of the girls laughed. Except for Kitty who was highly fascinated in the birds that were flying over the stadium.
"They must die," she said darkly. "Too happy. The word burns us."
Meanwhile, heartdamoose was glaring at Numair. "Now that dress was not inappropriate. I thought up of that dress!"
Numair shrugged. "I find it highly offensive that my daughter was wearing that dress."
Heardamoose glared at him. "Bitch, you're just overprotective you freak. Do you wanna fucking go? That's right, you heard me. Do you wanna fight fool? I will beat your ass so hard you'll wish you'd never be born. Now, if you don't cut some slack on my character, then I will fucking resurrect Ozorne and stuff him up your white ass behind."
(A/N: Whoah there heartdamoose. Calm down, gurl. Hey wait…I'm talking to myself. Hehe…this is actually pretty cool…hehehe.)
Numair paled and muttered something that sounded a lot like, 'Moose obsessed mother fuckers who need to get over their high ego and shut the hell up.'
(A/N: I'm sorry about all the curse words. I'm not really like this I swear. I'm just adding to the drama.)
Heartdamoose stared at him wide eyed. "Oh no you didn't," she said with a Z-snap on the side. "You are such an out of control old man who can't contain himself. You need to get with the new wave of style you stupid mage."
Numair stared. "Your mom is an out of control old man who can't contain herself."
Heartdamoose smirked. "Your dad was an out of control old man who couldn't contain himself last night."
Numair paled. "Oh yeah? Well…your…your…I challenge you to a duel!"
Heartdamoose smirked. "Do you really think that you can beat me? I am heartdamoose!"
"I'm a black mage."
"Black mage my ass…we all know you cheated on your exams at the university."
"Yeah…so…"
Heartdamoose rolled her eyes. "Numair Xavier Salmalin! There is no way you can beat me!"
Romeli snorted. "Xavier?"
Numair cringed at the use of him middle name. "You shall die!"
"Not if I kill you first!"
"Do you wanna go, bitch!"
"We already are! And how dare you call me bitch! Your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a bastard!"
Oh…burn.
"Yeah…well…Your grandma…"
"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT YOU TWO. NOW LET'S GET OVER IT AND BE MATURE PEOPLE. NO FIGHTING IN THE JUDGES STAND. SO…GEORGE, WHAT'S YOUR SCORE?"
George thought for a moment. "Um…I think I'll give them a nine."
Heartdamoose humfed. "Ten," she muttered angrily.
"NOW THAT WE HAVE THAT OVER WITH, IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL EVENT! THE LAST EVENT WILL BE FIGHTING. EACH GIRL WILL BE PAIRED UP WITH A BOY AND THEY WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH…ER…I MEAN…UNTIL THE FIRST DROP OF BLOOD. FOR EVERY WIN BETWEEN THE GIRL AND BOY, YOU WILL BE AWARDED SIX POINTS, WHICH WILL BE ADDED TO YOUR OVERALL SCORE. WHOEVER HAS THE MOST OVERALL POINTS FROM ALL OF THE CHALLENGES, WINS."
Fighting…fun.
All the girls exchanged grinning looks. "Girls, we got this one down pat," said Yuki as she took out her shukusen and threw it up in the air and catching it without even looking at it.
All of the other girls nodded.
Meanwhile all of the guys exchanged horrified looks.
"Shit guys," said Faleron with a grim look. "One of us is gonna have to go against Al—Ala—Alanna."
"Yeah…we're screwed."
"ATTENTION PLEASE," said Emmy through the microphone. "THE JUDGES HAVE NOW THOUGHT UP OF WHO IS GOING TO GO AGAINST WHO. THE FIRST PAIR TO FIGHT WILL BE KEL AGAINST MERRIC."
Merric gulped.
"Damn Merric, you got the easy one," complained Neal horrified.
Merric looked at him shocked. "What do you mean easy!" he said mortified. "She's Kel!"
"You know, you got a point there…"
"THE SECOND PAIR TO FIGHT IS YUKI AGAINST RAOULD."
Raould sighed with relief. "I'm just glad I'm not going against Romeli."
"Please…Romeli can't fight can she?" asked Owen.
Raould snorted. "Oh…Romeli can fight. She beat Alanna."
"Ah…"
"THE THIRD PAIR TO FIGHT WILL BE KITTY AGAINST OWEN."
Owen felt like crumbling into a little ball. "I'm scared," he said with a shaky voice.
Faleron pat his shoulder sympathetically.
"THE FOURTH GROUP WILL BE ROMELI AGAINST FALERON."
Faleron grew pale. "Shit…"
"Lucky," muttered Neal. "You get to fight the hot girl. I'm stuck with…with…" Neal grew very pale. "Holy shit I'm fighting Alanna!"
Chuckles erupted through the crowd as they caught on to who Neal was going to fight against.
"THE LAST GROUP WILL BE…HEEHEE…ALANNA AGAINST NEAL!" it was then that Emmy burst out laughing and fell on the ground in rolling fits of insane giggles.
Alanna caught Neal's attention and slid her pointer finger across her throat threateningly. She grinned and winked.
Neal grew even paler then he was before. "I. Am. Going. To. Die."
"Sorry mate," said Merric shrugging.
"Oh shut up," muttered Neal angrily.
"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT," said Emmy. "LET'S HAVE OUR FIRST PAIR OF FIGHTERS OUT TO THE CENTER OF THE FIELD PLEASE."
Kel rolled her shoulders and got her glaive. Merric got his sword and did a couple of stretches before walking to the middle of the field.
Kel smiled as the two of them shook hands.
"Please don't kill me," pleaded Merric as he shook her hand.
Kel stared at him laughing. "Of course I'm not. You're my friend."
Merric didn't look very convinced.
"ON THREE," said Emmy. "ONE…TWO…TWO AND A HALF…TWO AND THREE QUARTERS…TWO AND FIVE SIXTHS…TWO AND NINE TENTHS…TWO AND TWENTY FIVE TWENTY SIXTHS…TWO AND…ER…UM…THREE!"
Merric shot out his sword and did a lightning quick butterfly sweep. Kel quickly dodged it and attempted to prick him at the side. Merric brought his sword to the side just barely in time to block it. Merric then attempted to do a forward slash.
Kel stepped to the side and spun her glaive before pushing him to the ground with the pole-like part of her glaive.
Shoot, thought Merric as he quickly scrambled backwards. Kel started to come at him with her glaive raised high. Merric, with a stroke of luck brushed his legs by her knees and swept Kel's feet from under her.
Kel yelped as she prepared to fall. She rolled to the side. She looked down at her hands in horror to find that she dropped her glaive.
It was lying by Merric's feet. Merric looked at her glaive and a ripple of hope surged through him. He grabbed her glaive and quickly stood up. Now he had the advantage.
Kel grinned. She swept the feet from under him with an extended leg as she pivoted the other one in a crouch. Merric fell to the ground, the glaive and sword knocked out of his hands. The glaive and sword flew through the air. Kel quickly jumped up and caught the glaive and spun it. She then caught the sword in her other hand. She brought both of the blades up to his neck as he lay on the ground.
"I yield," said Merric with his hands up. Kel helped him up and gave him his sword back.
"Good match," said Kel as she gave him a hug. "I thought you had me beat for a second there."
Merric grinned.
"OKAY, SO WE HAVE SIX POINTS FOR THE GIRLS TEAM, SINCE KEL WON THE DUEL. NEXT WE HAVE YUKI AGAINST RAOULD."
Raould grinned. He got his sword and spun it through his hands elegantly. He walked out to the center of the field as the boys rooted for him.
Yuki took out her fan and threw it in the air, catching it elegantly. "I'm taking him down girls." She walked down to the center of the field.
The girls exchanged looks.
"Hey," said Kel throwing her hands up. "She could win."
Alanna gave her a 'maybe' look.
"OKAY. ON FIVE. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE."
Yuki ducked low from Raould's quick swipe. She slashed her fan towards his middle, but he jumped out of the way just in time.
Raould then pointed out his sword to her middle. Yuki put her shukusen in front of her stomach. The sword pierced through the material of the fan. Yuki gripped both sides of the fan and twisted it. Raould's grip on the sword loosened, and the sword flipped out of his hand. Yuki caught it nimbly.
There was a gasp from the crowd. That was a shocker.
Raould stared at her.
Yuki held up his sword and attempted to slash at his stomach as she went at him. Raould slid towards her and flipped her over his hip. She fell to the ground with a yelp on her back. The sword flew out of her hand.
Raould quickly ran towards it and picked it up. Yuki rolled and jumped up. She flipped her hair back and held up her shukusen.
Raould stared. Damn, how come she looks good even during a friggin fight? She thought confused as sweat dripped down his face and he breathed in heavily.
He held up his sword and attempted to slash her at her side. Yuki jumped up and dodged the swipe. She landed in a crouch and stood up again. Reaching behind her, she took out two other fans and dropped the one that was pierced by his sword. She folded them open and spun them around her hands, holding them slickly. Raould gulped.
Yuki started to come at him, her fans spinning and slicing at him in a gigantic blur. Raould blocked them with the broad side of him sword. He spun his sword and found just the right opening. He slashed at her side.
Yuki doubled over as she felt the sword pierce her skin. She dropped her fans and held up her hands. "I yield," she said. Raould nodded, hoping that he didn't hurt her too much.
"THAT'S SIX MORE POINTS FOR THE BOY'S TEAM!" announced Emmy. "IT'S NECK AND NECK EVERYONE! BUT WE STILL HAVE THREE MORE FIGHTS! BOTH THE GIRLS AND THE BOYS TEAM ARE TIED WITH 61 POINTS! AMAZING! BUT LET'S GET ON TO THE NEXT FIGHT. NEXT IS KITTY AGAINST OWEN."
"Have a jolly good time Owen," said Faleron wickedly.
Owen glared. "Oh shut up."
Faleron laughed.
Kitty stretched and yawned. "I shall send this pathetic embarrassment of a creature to the dark realms where I shall devour him alive and use his bones as toothpicks."
Kel paled. "Just win the duel."
"The slaughtering shall begin," said Kitty wickedly as she walked onto the field. She reached out her right hand and a scythe appeared. She held it in both of her hands darkly.
Owen walked on as well, his sword held in the ready position.
"ON TWO AND A HALF! ONE, TWO AND A HALF!"
Kitty struck first as she rose up her scythe and attempted to slam it down through his skull.
Owen jumped out of the way with a panicked look as he held up his sword to block her other attacks.
"Owen's going to die!" exclaimed Merric panicked.
Neal shook his head. "There is no way he is going to win this."
Owen blocked another scythe attack. He sweeped down his sword to try and cut her on her side. Kitty blocked it with the pole of her scythe. Owen ducked down from another swipe and rolled to the ground. He lay on his back as he stared at her.
Kitty licked her lips as she held her scythe, ready to pounce. "You are mine you stupid mortal."
Just a little bit more, though Owen urgently. Closer…closer. Kitty took another step. Owen kicked his feet up and knocked Kitty to the ground. Her scythe went flying out of her hand.
Owen jumped up as quickly as he could. He put his sword up to Kitty's throat. "Do you yield."
"Hells no," said Kitty angrily. "How dare you kick me you stupid fool! I shall summon the power of the darkest part of hell to devour you and split you apart in the most painful way imaginable."
Kitty's eyes started to turn a devilish red. "DEMONS OF THE UNDERWORLD…I CALL YOUR NAM—."
"STOP!" cried Emmy through the booth. "SUMMONING THE DARKEST PART OF HELL TO DEVOUR YOUR OPPONENTS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED! KITTY, YOU ARE DISQUALIFIED!"
Owen looked up at the booth in shock. Does that mean he wins?
"THAT MEANS THAT YOU WIN OWEN. THAT IS SIX MORE POINTS FOR THE BOY'S TEAM!"
Owen did a happy dance.
Kitty stood up furiously. "MARK MY WORDS ALL OF YOU! I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL AND TAKE OVER YOUR PLANET. REVENGE IS MINE!"
Owen happy danced some more.
"ALRIGHT, STOP THREATENING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, AND STOP HAPPY DANCING!" said Emmy. "THE NEXT TEAM NEEDS TO DO THEIR DUEL. ROMELI AND FALERON, PLEASE COME TO THE FIELD!"
Romeli picked up her double-bladed staff and spun it cleanly. The whistling of the blades cutting through the air seemed to echo. "I'll get you guys a win," she said as she threw the staff into the air and caught it in one slick move. She walked to the center of the field.
Faleron rolled his shoulders and his wrists. He unsheathed his sword and practiced fighting with an invisible opponent. He walked to the center of the field.
"ON ONE-HUNDRED! ONE, TWO, SKIP A FEW, NINETY NINE, ONE-HUNDRED!"
Romeli ducked Faleron's swipe and ducked down on the ground. She swept his feet from under him with her staff and rolled back up.
Faleron got back up as quickly as he could and slashed at her again. Romeli blocked him with the middle of her staff. Again and again he slashed at her, but he could never find an opening. Romeli kept on blocking him.
With a stroke of luck, he found an opening and striked at her. With abnormal speed Romeli dropped her staff and grabbed the flat of his blade with the palms of her hands clapped together She brought his sword back up so that it was head level with both of them. They were less then a foot apart.
Damn she's good, thought Faleron as he stared at her. Romeli grinned at him with her abnormal eyes and twisted her hands so that he lost hold of his sword. It flew through the air and practically slid into Romeli's fingers.
Faleron looked around for a weapon he could use. He spotted her double bladed staff and quickly grasped it. He held it in front of him threateningly. He had no idea how to use the thing, but hey, it was a weapon.
Romeli sliced down on him, but he blocked it with the middle of her staff. She grinned as she attempted to slice him again on the other side.
Instead of slicing him however, she gave him a false lead that he bought. He moved her staff to block the side that she was slicing at. Romeli kicked him firmly in the groin.
Faleron yelped and fell on his knees, dropping her staff on the ground in front of him.
All the men in the crowds winced.
"Thank you," said Romeli as she picked up her staff. She dropped his sword next to him.
Shakily, Faleron stood up and picked up his sword. Oh bitch, when you kick a guy in the balls, that's when it gets serious.
He twisted his sword in his hand and sliced down vertically with the broad side of his sword.
Romeli rubbed her head where Faleron hit her. That was going to hurt in the morning. She spun her staff and ran at him. She knocked him down to the ground with the middle of her staff, but since she put all of her weight into it, she fell down as well with a yelp.
Romeli rolled off of him and picked up both his sword and her double-bladed staff. She stood up and leaned her foot on his stomach. She put both her staff blade and his sword to his neck.
"I yield," said Faleron. Romeli smiled as she handed him his sword and helped him up. Both were breathing heavily.
"IT'S A TIE AGAIN FOLKS!" announced Emmy. "THIS IS IT! THE NEXT DUEL IS THE LAST CHANCE TO PROVE WHICH GENDER IS TRULY MORE BAD ASS. COME ON DOWN ALANNA AND NEAL!"
Alanna laughed. "This is going to be easy," she said as she held up her sword."
Meanwhile, Neal was hyperventilating.
"You know, this is all going to be your fault if you loose," said Merric. "No pressure or anything."
"Thanks," said Neal dryly as he unsheathed his sword. He walked to the center of the field where Alanna already stood with a smile on her face like she had already won.
Might as well be.
"ON TWENTY-FIVE!" said Emmy when she saw that they were in the ready position. "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN, ELEVEN, TWELVE—."
Alanna glared at Emmy. "You better say fucking twenty five right now otherwise I will pull your damn insides out through you ears and roast them to a crunchy pulp!"
"…TWENTY-FIVE!"
Alanna, in all her fury, sliced at Neal's side so fast that if you blinked you wouldn't have been able to see it. Neal fell to the ground, a slash on his cheek.
"ALRIGHT GUYS, THAT'S IT!" said Emmy victoriously. "THE GIRLS WIN THE TOURNAMENT! CONGRATS GIRLS!"
Neal didn't know what hit him as he lay on the ground confused. Alanna looked satisfied and helped Neal up gruffly. She pat him on the shoulder and walked away to go celebrate with the girls.
The other boys were quite confused.
"Let's never speak of this again," said Merric in a daze.
"I can't even speak," said Owen.
"You just did."
"Shut up."
Neal walked up to them sympathetically. "Well, it's not like you guys would be able to do any better," pointed out Neal as he rubbed the cut on his cheek. He brought out his green gift and healed it.
"True…" said Raould.
"So…do you guys wanna go get pizza?" asked Faleron.
The rest of the boys shrugged and they walked off.
"We won!" said Kel excitedly.
"The mating ritual is complete," said Kitty grinning.
All the other girls froze and stared at Kitty oddly. "Alright then…"
Romeli gave Yuki a high five.
"Well that was a waste of my time," said Alanna.
"What are you talking about?" said Yuki. "That was fun."
"I bet I can think of five things that are more fun then this."
"Oh, do you wanna go bitch? I will take you down!" said Yuki with a glare.
Alanna's brows rose and she crossed her arms over her chest. "Bring it on, biotch."
"Fine," said Yuki sticking her nose up. "You and me. Tomorrow night. Here. You will never see another day."
Kel and Romeli rolled their eyes.
Kitty gnawed on a huge chunk of cheese.
OOO
Heartdamoose stared at Neal with laughing eyes as they sat at a table in a fancy Corus restaurant. "That was a pretty fun tournament, eh?"
Neal nodded. "Of course it was. Especially because you judged. The Alanna part was fairly embarrassing though."
Heartdamoose nodded. "Yeah, well, that's business darling."
"Since when do you know about business?"
"…I don't."
"Whatever," said Neal waving the topic off. "You are looking beautiful today heartdamoose."
Heartdamoose blushed. "Why thank you. And you are looking quite…green…today as well."
Neal grinned a charming smile that made his white teeth flash. "Well, you know how I like green."
"Oh, I know," said heartdamoose laughing. "Say Neal, do you wanna make out?"
Neal shrugged. "Sure!"
Both of them grabbed each other's faces as they kissed long and hard with urgency. Heartdamoose ran her hair through Neal's sexy hair. Both of them collapsed onto the sofa thingy in the restaurant.
A waiter walked up with a smiling face. He looked at them and pulled on his collar. "I guess you need more time to think then."
And that's why people who don't like radishes should die.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lol. I've always wanted to write that. (wink) heehee.
So, that was an incredibly long portion of the fic. Hooray! Also, if you guys find Romeli to be an incredibly cool character and you want to read more of her and what the heck she has to go through, then read my other fic Guardian of Animals: Road to Chaos. It may not be as funny as this, but it's a hell of a lot better. I'm sure all of you guys will like it. Mostly because it has Neal's sexy son in it. Who is very sexy I have to say. And, if you're looking for a Harry Potter fic, read my Follow the Butterflies fic, which is just as funny, if not funnier then this fic. It will have you guys laughing the whole time, and I encourage you guys to read it. And, if you're as bored as heck, I welcome you to read my bio. It's a time consumer…trust me.
Alrighty then.
Replies:
Me: okay, so I didn't update soon. Do you hate me?
Tolkienkook: I hope that was a compliment. Lol. I think this chapter is my favorite. Lol. I love it! Uber fun! Hooray!
Sull89: You forgot about the story! (is ashamed) oh well, I haven't updated in so long that I'm not surprised. Yes he very much is. Sorry for not updating very fast.
Queenofdakittys: Hooray for laughing. Some people laugh so much that they get a six pack because they work their stomachs so hard. Hooray, I'm a genius. Well I am heartdamoose after all. Guardian of Animals has some humor in it, but it's not as funny as this one. I bet you would like it anyway tho. If you're really looking for humor, read my Follow the Butterflies HP fic. You're welcome. Heehee.
Silver-star-0: Well yes…he is a sexy beast. Heehee. Lol. Yay for rambling.
Ethuiliel: heehee. I'm glad you liked it.
Summerbluez: heehee. Thanks. I try.