Shadows of Doubt

by elfmage

Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime! Warnings; Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

Additional notes; This fic is AU. It could probably be set at the end of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; it is set in a universe where Harry defeats Voldemort once and for all, but is killed doing so. Sirius, obviously, is still alive (yes, I'm in denial!). This isn't a slash fic.

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

Chapter One: Prologue

Whispers

Whispered voices in my ear.
Whispers I dare not hear.
Dreadful thoughts that do appear,
Thoughts I try to will away.
Things that shall not be known,
Things no one else will hear.

Locked in my mind,
The notty little thoughts,
They will appear.

Forever and for always,
These pictures play through in my head.
Should I Listen?
Should I watch?
Shall I give in to these dreadful thoughts?
Allow the whispers to once again rule?

Will I allow my hand to fall upon this blade?
Shall the blood fall,
And the whispers win?
Or will I stay sane, And let not the whispers win this horrid game

By April Beer, 2005.

Remus Lupin looked worriedly at the tall, thin, unkempt man standing beside him in the fireplace of the rather dingy lounge-room of the Black mansion. Sirius Black, ex-convict and former prisoner of Azkaban, was whiter than Remus had ever seen a human. A live one, at least.

As they stepped over the grate, recovering from the dizzying ride through the Floo system, Sirius swayed dangerously, and would have fallen to the floor if not for the quick reflexes of his companion.

Remus grabbed Sirius as he collapsed, half helping, half dragging him to a nearby dusty old chair. Gently lowering the dark-haired man into it, who promptly closed his eyes and tried to recover his senses, Lupin took a step back, and used the time to study his friend carefully.

Sirius was terribly thin, once again reduced to the gaunt apparition that he had become after his twelve year stay in Azkaban. He had gained weight briefly, starting to look like a semblance of his old self, when the incident had happened. Now he looked like a walking skeleton.

His long black hair, once his pride, was tangled and matted, and not simply from the fast paced Floo ride. It looked as though it had not been washed for a while, and had forgone brushing for even longer. Even though he had long ago shaved off his beard, which Sirius claimed made him look years older, his chin was once again covered with scruffy hair, and he quite definitely needed a shave.

Then there were the eyes. They were what frightened Remus the most, and though he could not see them at the moment, he knew precisely what the looked like, for they had haunted his dreams for the past week. He had seen Sirius when he was teaching at Hogwarts, seen him when his eyes were sunken and almost dead. Yet even then there was a glimmer of hope, and joy at seeing one of his best friends' child.

Now they were dead. Always a bright blue, they now appeared black as the deepest pits of Hell. If you looked into them, there was no joy, no hope, nothing except bleakness.

Not, mused Lupin, that I often see his eyes anymore.

That was another thing that worried Remus. His once confident, even cocky friend was now quiet to the point of being timid. Sirius' personality had changed after his stay in Azkaban, as was to be expected, but even then, after a while, Remus had begun to find a semblance of his friend once more. Now Sirius spent his days staring into nothingness, trying not to be noticed, not to be a disturbance, and when he was addressed he stared at the floor, refusing to meet anyone's eye.

As if noticing he was being observed, Sirius opened his tired eyes with a slight groan, which Remus only picked up thanks to his remarkably sharp hearing, a result of being a werewolf.

Lupin swiftly knelt in front of the chair in which Sirius was sitting, waiting for his friend to speak. The blue eyes, darkened with grief, stared into Remus' grey ones briefly, before Sirius looked away, staring down at the threadbare carpet instead.

The werewolf sighed mentally, and waited a little while longer, seeing if Black would react at all. When it seemed no response was forthcoming, he moved forwards slightly, his sharp eyes noticing the way that Sirius flinched slightly when he did so.

Placing his large hand under Black's chin, he gently tilted his friends' face upwards, so that he was looking at him eye to eye. Remus searched his friends' deep eyes for what seemed to be an eternity, before Sirius flinched again, breaking the contact.

"Are you all right?" Lupin asked, the overwhelming concern he felt evident in his voice.

Sirius sat dead still for a moment, before clearing his throat slightly, and answering in an hesitant, quiet and almost stuttering manner, his voice hoarse and quiet.

"I… I'm… fine, R… Remus."

Lupin simply looked at his friend with doubt shining in his eyes. Sirius risked a quick glance into his eyes, and noticed the disbelief instantly.

"Really… D… Don't worry about… me."

The werewolf sighed. Even when his best friend was in such an obviously terrible state, he could still be amazingly stubborn, and was apparently not planning on confiding in Remus any time soon. Such a thought made something inside Lupin twinge, though he shoved it aside for the time being.

"You need to talk about this Sirius. If you keep trying to pretend nothing has changed, you are going to destroy yourself." He hadn't meant to say the last sentence, but he couldn't help it. Remus was extremely worried about his friend.

Sirius' head rose sharply, and when he dared make eye contact, Remus was startled to see tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over. It was the third time he had ever seen his friend cry, and the other two had been accidental. Sirius never cried in public.

Now Lupin was beginning to get even more worried. Between his friend's almost catatonic state, and his sudden and complete change in personality, he couldn't help but worry that something terrible was going to happen. Filled with a new sense of urgency, he spoke again, almost pleadingly.

"Please Sirius. Tell me what's going on. Like you used to."

Sirius was visibly thinking, although what about, Remus could not tell. He hoped the Animagus was finally going to open up, letting everything go instead of feeding it until it destroyed him.

"Remus, I… I…" Sirius was struggling for words, and Lupin mentally encouraged him.

Sirius sighed deeply. He couldn't do it.

"I'm going… upstairs. I… I think I need… need some sleep," he all but whispered, turning and leaving the room, looking anywhere but his best friends' face, not able to bear witness to the complete disappointment that he knew would be there.

He also missed the look of utmost, heart-rending concern that almost obscured the tears in Remus' grey eyes.

A/N; And here ends the prologue. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy!