Shadows of Doubt
by elfmage
Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime!
Warnings; Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.
Additional notes; See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content! That's my claim, and I'm sticking to it!
Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!
Chapter One: Whispered Voices in My Ear
Harry was dead. Sirius couldn't believe it. He was gone, just like that. In that instant, when Harry had been hit with the blinding flash of green light, all time had stopped. The boy who lived was gone. Dead.
And so am I, just as I deserve to be. Thought Sirius bitterly, sitting in the darkened room. Dead, but still breathing.
He looked around from his vantage point on the hard floor in the room he now resided in. Shadows wrapped the room, not unlike the dark cloaked figures with whom Sirius had become well acquainted. He shivered, not from the cold, though the room remained unheated, but from those memories. For a moment, he considered going down the dark flight of stairs, past the screeching figure of his mothers' portrait, and seeking consolation from his dearest friend, Remus Lupin. Doing what his friend begged him to do, telling him everything.
Do you really want to? The insidious little voice in the back of his mind that had been his constant companion since his fifth year at Hogwarts had returned.
"Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?" Sirius replied out loud.
Look at what has happened to the rest of your "friends." Everyone you ever cared about, you destroyed their lives completely. You're nothing but a plague, a disgusting darkness on the face of the earth, destroying anything and everything that's good.
"That isn't true!" Sirius exclaimed, though the doubt in his voice was evident even to himself, his denial sounding pathetic and false. The voice seemed to hear it too, and pressed its advantage.
How about James and Lilly then? If you hadn't been such a weak, pathetic coward, if you had had the nerve to be their secret keeper, they would still be alive. No, you passed the responsibility on, because you couldn't handle it. You're weak. Pathetic.
"I wasn't the one who betrayed them! It was Peter! I… I only thought that maybe…. maybe we could throw the enemy off track…. stop them," Sirius stuttered, his voice unconvincing.
You thought? Do you really expect anyone to believe that? Then again, that was the problem, wasn't it? You don't think, you never have, because you are stupid. Always have been, haven't you. Careless, unthinking and stupid. Look what almost happened to Lupin, your supposed "best friend" because of it!
Sirius paused, unable to respond. He could not deny it. His stupidity, his reckless arrogance and need for revenge had almost destroyed his best friend. At the time, he had claimed that Snape deserved it, but after a while…. after he truly thought about it, he had realised what an idiot he had been. And by then it had been too late. It had taken years to rebuild that trust, but did he really deserve it, after what he had done?
No, you didn't. Sirius started, realising that he had said the last part of his mental soliloquy aloud. The voice continued.
You could have been the death of him, his destruction caused only by your idiocy, and yet he gave you another chance. You didn't deserve that. He was a fool to allow you back into his life, all you ever do is destroy people's lives.
"That's not true!" Sirius' voice had increased gradually in volume, yet there was no conviction present. He was beginning to realise that this other voice was right. All he ever did was destroy people's lives.
You know that it is. You are beginning to see. James, Lilly, Remus, you destroyed all of their lives. And now Harry… Here Sirius jerked sharply, an eerie light in his eyes.
It's your fault Harry is dead. You let them all down again. James, Lilly… you failed them once, and now you have failed them again. They trusted you to take care of their son, to watch over him, because they could not themselves, due to your weakness and cowardice. And you could not even do that.
"Oh God…" Sirius was almost sobbing now, his breathing sharp and rapid. Memories swirled rapidly through his head, almost lie he was within the grasp of the Dementors again.
The look of horror on Remus' face when he found out who had given away his secret… James screaming at him, telling him to get away from Remus, pure hatred on his face… James' face again, this time cold and still, lying dead amongst the rubble that had been Godrics' Hollow…
And Harry, standing stock still, without time to move, for time itself seemed to have stopped… The shouted words of Avada Kedavra, coming from nowhere… The brilliant flash of green light… Then Harry, lying still and lifeless on the cold ground. Never to move again.
The memories whirled through his head, in front of his vision, more real than the room he tried to convince himself he was still sitting in. It was all real, he was there all over again. They flashed faster and faster, transporting him through time faster than possible.
James, Lilly, Harry dead, Lupin looking on in horror, the look of disgust on his friends faces when they learned of his apparent betrayal, the Dementors, his cold dark cell in Azkaban, the cell he deserved, all the evils he had done, all the wrongs he had committed, the wraith trying to take his soul, Remus begging him, Remus telling him never to return, Remus throwing his books into the fire…
Then end it! End it now! Complete what you should have finished years ago!
Watching Snape press the stick against the Whomping Willow, the look of horror on Remus' face when he had learned of what he had nearly done, Sirius smashing his belongings one by one, tears streaming down his face, the look of sheer horror on Harry's face, as though he knew what was coming…
Unable to see through the whirling visions, barely aware of his surroundings, Sirius walked jerkily to the mirror that sat atop his dressing table. With movements that were not his own he smashed the glass with his fist, the shards that embedded themselves in his hand unnoticed, the blood dripping.
You should have done it years ago. If you had, James and Lilly would still be alive…
Looking as one in a dream, Sirius picked up a piece of the glass, it's edge razor sharp, and pressed it against his forearm. The voice cried it's victory, encouraging him, knowing that Black's lack of awareness, trapped within his memories, would mean success.
The Dark Mark floating in the air above Godrics Hollow, the Ministry wizards taking him away, twelve years at the mercy of the Dementors, Lupin telling him he deserved to die, Lupin crying himself to sleep, Sirius' fault, HIS fault, always, always, always his fault…
The tip of the glass dug into the pale skin, piercing it deeply, blood welling up instantly. Then the glass was dragged downwards, opening a great gash, from which the blood gushed. As the blood loss began to take it's toll, the voice lost control, and Sirius became aware once again of his surroundings.
The shard of glass dropped to the floor from suddenly limp fingers, and Sirius was left staring at his arm uncomprehendingly, not knowing what had happened. Swaying sharply from the loss of blood, his vision blurring and shifting, he tried to call out.
"Re… Remus, he… Remus, help… help me…" The words were little more than whispers, almost inaudible.
Aware that he was rapidly losing the battle against unconsciousness, he gathered all the remaining strength that he could. Sirius Black, Animagus and renowned wizard, cried the name of his best friend out loudly, before falling face-first onto the hard floorboards, completely limp, blood rushing unchecked from a large, deep gash on his arm…
A/N; And here ends Chapter Two. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy!