Shadows of Doubt

by elfmage

Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime!

Warnings; Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

Additional notes; See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content!

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

Chapter Three: Bringing Back These Memories I Wish I Didn't Have

The grey light of dawn was spreading throughout the room when Remus Lupin awoke from a rather restless sleep. He groaned slightly at the stiffness in his neck, and then looked around to see what had raised him from his slumber.

Lupin's sharp grey eyes landed on the bed, where Sirius was tossing restlessly, the pain and fear on his face clearly visible.

"No… Remus, no… Come back! It wasn't me… you know… you know it wasn't… please, Remus… please! … Moony! … Don't leave me! …"

Sirius was talking in his sleep, sobbing and moaning in between broken words. Remus felt his heart sink. He knew precisely what nightmare was haunting his friend's dreams. It had haunted his too, ever since he found out that Sirius Black, a condemned murdered, his best friend, was in fact innocent.

The one time he had gone to visit Sirius, only a month after Sirius had been brought to Azkaban. He had wanted to ask, to demand why Sirius had done it. Why he had betrayed one of his "brothers." Lupin still remembered it like it was only the day before…

/Flashback/

Remus Lupin looked down at the freezing, murky water beneath the boat that he sat in. The very look of it was foreboding, a mere shadow of what was to come, when he actually arrived at the place itself…

Azkaban. The very name made grown wizards shiver. It was a horrible, haunting and terrifying place, one that no-one ever wanted to visit. Remus himself was beginning to wonder if he wasn't insane, to be coming here of his own free will.

I have a purpose here, he reminded himself. I want to know… I want to know why he betrayed us, why… why he murdered them.

And yet another small part of Lupin, the part that was drowned out by his burning fury, was telling him it was not that he wanted to know. What he really wanted to know was whether or not it really was Sirius. Part of him still couldn't believe that his friend, his brother had betrayed them like that.

He had to know…

Remus Lupin, lead by a thankfully human warden, walked up the long corridor, with Dementors lining its length, making him shiver in fear. There was complete silence, punctuated only by the sound of the occasional prisoner screaming in terror, or sobbing hopelessly. Remus could not help but wonder if it was Sirius screaming, Sirius begging for mercy, Sirius crying for death.

Stop it! He insisted. He is a traitor! He is only getting what he deserves!

That small voice in the back of his mind would not be quieted though.

"He was your best friend. Do you really think he would betray you? Does he really deserve this?"

Remus had no more time for internal dialogues. He was lead through a heavy door into a smaller corridor, this one almost pitch black, lined with only a few cells. There were no Dementors here, coming only when they were beckoned.

The two stopped their heavy walk. They had reached Sirius' cell. The warden indicated it and then left, presumably returning to his paperwork.

Lupin walked up to the thick bars apprehensively, not knowing what to expect. Waiting for his eyes to adjust, he stood patiently. When he could see sufficiently well in the almost non-existent light, he took a deep breath, and stepped forward.

What Remus could see made his eyes open wide, his hand unconsciously rising to cover his mouth. Sitting on the floor of the tiny cell was a corpse.

No, he realised. It was alive. His best friend, Sirius Black, looked like a living skeleton. His once long, black hair, his pride of which having been a great source of teasing amongst his friends, was matted, uneven, and filthy.

He was curled up into a ball on the floor, rocking gently back and forth, talking to himself all the while.

"It wasn't me, James… I swear… It was Peter! … I never, I would never… Please, please, please…"

Sirius repeated himself over and over, asserting his innocence, begging for someone to believe him, sometimes using different names. Remus started when his name was mention, and frowning in concentration, he listened closely.

"I'm so sorry Remus… I thought… I thought it was you… Oh God, I'm sorry… It wasn't me! … Please believe me! … Remus… Moony! Come back! It wasn't… You know it wasn't me! … Don't leave me! … Please!"

Somewhere in the back of Remus' mind, he wept for this ruined remnant of what had once been his best friend. He wanted to run to his friend, hold him and comfort him, help him back to health.

"Oh, be quiet!" Remus was not quite sure whether he was talking to himself, or the creature that was now cowering before him in the dark cell into which he looked.

Sirius looked up at Remus, still seated on the cold, stone floor. He could hardly believe what he was seeing, and was beginning to suspect that it was some new trick by the Dementors, another means by which to torment him. He couldn't help the slight whimper that arose from his throat at the thought of another of the Dementors' cruel "games."

Remus watched as Sirius finally reacted to his presence, apparently made aware of it by those three sharp words. Sirius looked at him blankly, and the werewolf was taken aback by the haunted, terrified look in the eyes of the man who had once been his best friend. There was a desperation there too, a terrible need.

"Sirius?" He asked, his voice almost cracking over that one word, and the werewolf winced to hear in his voice a tenderness he wished he didn't feel.

The convicts' eyes widened at being addressed, and he scrambled backwards slightly. He considered this apparition again, and then shook his head violently. No, it had to be another trick, another way to make him snap.

Sirius was still using his imaginings as his escape, the very few that the Dementors had yet to steal from him. He knew that Remus was still his best friend, the only one who believed that he was innocent, who knew he was innocent.

The lack of response angered Remus, for whatever reasons he could not comprehend. Whatever the cause, he finally could not take it, and spoke again, this time angrily, without hesitation.

"How could you, Sirius? How could you betray them? They trusted you! They trusted you, and you killed them!"

He knows, Sirius. That voice was back, again. He knows that it's your fault. He knows that it was your cowardice that killed them. All. Your. Fault.

That earned more of a reaction. Sirius knew it had to be a trick, because Remus, his best friend, knew that was not true. He wouldn't say that, he wouldn't even think that, because he knew that Sirius was innocent. Finally, Sirius couldn't take it. He couldn't stand the Dementors, destroying his mind, playing with his memories. He couldn't take it any more, he wouldn't take it any more.

Remus let out a small cry of surprise as Sirius jumped to his feet, more quickly than Lupin would have thought possible given his current condition, and threw himself at the bars, as hard as he could. They were obviously held by some kind of enchantment, because as Sirius hit them, there was a spark of light, and the prisoner was sent flying across the room, smashing into the stone wall with a crack that made Lupin wince.

That didn't seem to deter Black, though. He started muttering again, getting louder, and almost shrieking. It wasn't the volume that frightened Remus, but the way that the screams were that of a madman. That of someone who has finally snapped, who can't take any more.

You can't stand it, can you Black? To know that you are so pathetically weak, to know that you aren't innocent. You deserve to be here. It's your fault they are dead!

"No. NO. SHUT UP! It wasn't me!" Sirius shrieked, grabbing his head in his hands and shaking violently. Remus realised that he was talking to the voices that only he could hear. The inner demons that had haunted Sirius at Hogwarts had returned, and were obviously gaining their power once more.

When Sirius started throwing himself at the walls once more, throwing himself at the bars and being thrown backwards again and again, Remus began to debate whether or not he ought to make someone stop him. Even if he was guilty, that little part of Lupin was nagging at him, telling him his friend did not deserve this.

Black threw himself at the bars as hard as he could, screaming at the voice to be quiet. He hit the bars hard, and was thrown backwards with incredible speed. Lupin watched as he hit the wall and went limp, crumpling to floor, unconscious.

"Damn it!" Lupin thought furiously, as he ran down the hall to summon the warden. "He's a traitor, and he killed Lilly and James! Why should I feel sorry for him?"

"You should," replied that insidious voice again, "because you know he didn't do it."

/End Flashback/

Remus shook himself out of his stupor. The past was the past, and however much he regretted it, he could not change it now. He leant over the bed, trying to wake Sirius without jostling his arm too much, for fear it would start bleeding again.

"Sirius, wake up," he called softly. "Come on, Padfoot, it's just a dream."

Sirius opened his eyes, but they were glazed and terrified, and it was obvious to Remus that he was still caught up in the dream, not really seeing his surroundings.

"Moony?" Sirius asked, before continuing, sounding petrified, grabbing the edges of Lupin's' robes desperately.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. Please don't go, I swear it wasn't me! Please Remus, don't leave me! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Shhh, Sirius, it's ok. Wake up, Sirius," Remus whispered, although he wanted to cry at the plaintive manner in which his friend was pleading him. His friend was still grasping his robes, as though afraid that if he let go for any length of time, Remus would disappear.

"It's just a dream, Sirius. I'm right here. Wake up."

Sirius regained consciousness slowly, as if coming out of a coma. He looked around dazedly, noticing Remus leaning over him with a terribly concerned expression on his face. The Animagus also noticed that he was not in his own room. Why was he sleeping in Remus' bed?

"Wh… what ha… happened?" he asked, confused by the weakness he felt.

Lupin grinned tiredly as his friend spoke, although he was also worried by the weakness in his voice. He was glad his friend had woken up, finally freeing himself from the grip of the dark dream that he had been caught in.

"It's ok, Sirius. We'll talk about it later," the werewolf reassured. "You should get some rest."

"Remus…"

"It's nothing, Sirius. Go back to sleep."

"I… I'm sorry…"

Remus looked sadly at his friend, lying there apologising for something he could not remember, but feeling that he somehow owed the werewolf an apology.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Padfoot," he whispered. "Rest."

Sirius nodded slowly, not quite convinced, but already drifting into sleep once again.

A/N; And here ends Chapter Three. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy!