Shadows of Doubt

by elfmage

Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime!

Warnings; Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

Additional notes; See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content!

This chapter is dedicated to Elesia, who wrote me a brilliant review that made my day! Thank you. :) Also a brilliant fan is Alsandra, who wrote me this brilliant poem, which I have decided will fit best at the beginning of the story(but in case people don't go back to read it, here it is!);

Whispers

Whispered voices in my ear.
Whispers I dare not hear.
Dreadful thoughts that do appear,
Thoughts I try to will away.
Things that shall not be known,
Things no one else will hear.

Locked in my mind,
The notty little thoughts,
They will appear.

Forever and for always,
These pictures play through in my head.
Should I Listen?
Should I watch?
Shall I give in to these dreadful thoughts?
Allow the whispers to once again rule?

Will I allow my hand to fall upon this blade?
Shall the blood fall,
And the whispers win?
Or will I stay sane,
And let not the whispers win this horrid game
- April Beer

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

Chapter Four: As I Watch the Walls Descend

Having sat beside his bed all day, simply watching his friend sleep after it had hit home just how close he came to losing him, Remus spent the morning recalling the past, both happier and sadder moments. Such long periods of moping were not a part of his personality, however, and Remus soon found himself in Sirius' room with a bucket of warm, soapy water, a bundle of old newspapers, and several cloths.

Remus crossed the threshold of the dark room and crossed immediately to the other side, where the heavily draped window was situated. He drew them open, allowing the weak afternoon sun to spill into the room.

The werewolf looked around the bedroom. He had seen blood before, of course. However, the amount of blood, and the way in which it had been spilt still brought a twinge of fear to his conscious mind. Thoughts of how close he came to losing Sirius forever haunted his mind, and for a while he simply sat on the bed, overcome with the fear.

Drawing himself together with a deep breath, he began carefully picking up the shards of shattered glass from the mirror that Sirius had smashed and wrapping them up carefully in the old Daily Prophet pages. It then occurred to Remus that he had not treated his friend's hand, so concerned he had been with the life-threatening gash. Sirius had to have done some damage when he smashed the mirror, and Lupin made a mental note to see to his friend's hand when he checked his other wound.

Once the glass had been taken care of, and safely disposed of via a quick charm, Remus began working on removing the blood from the floor. It was cold in the room, so much of the blood had not congealed, meaning that once Lupin had washed it off the flood, there was nothing left but a slightly darker stain on the hard floorboards.

It occurred then to Remus that he did not want Sirius to return to this room, at the very least, not until he had talked to him properly. For the time being, he dragged the mattress off of Sirius' bed, and placed it on the floor in his room, taking care not to disturb the exhausted man sleeping in his bed.

Remus would sleep on the floor until he was sure that Sirius was in no danger, and to that end he fetched the bedclothes and remade the mattress. On the end of it he also placed a spare set of sheets, intending to change the bloodstained ones while Sirius ate, assuming the man was well enough to get out of bed. Remus held a great suspicion that perhaps the Animagus would not be.

After the sun had set, with Sirius showing no signs of waking, Remus decided to go downstairs for a while.

Remus walked tiredly into the kitchen, seating himself at one of the rather rickety chairs standing around the table. Piled on the scrubbed wood were dozens of letters, all expressing condolences for the loss of Harry. Letter inquiring about the funeral, preparations, what they could do.

With a pained expression, Lupin gathered them all, and, using his wand to start a fire in the grate, threw them into the fire. For a few moments, he simply watched the fire lick at them, devouring them greedily, until nothing but a pile of ashes remained.

The Order of the Phoenix had been reformed, here in this very house. And yet they had been powerless to stop Voldemort using his Death Eaters to kill Harry, only days before he was due to return to Hogwarts. It had been the first time Remus had seen Dumbledore cry.

So now it was just Sirius and Remus, for the time being. The two wolf-brothers, best friends, perhaps the only two people who could understand the other. Yet, lately Lupin felt as though he did not know this man he lived with any more. Of course, he expected Sirius to be devastated by Harry's death, but even before that had happened, there had been something different.

Remus mind told him that he should have expected Sirius to come back from Azkaban changed, because there was no way he couldn't, but his heart could not accept it. He couldn't accept that his old confident, carefree, happy-go-lucky, easy going and wonderful friend was never coming back.

Recalling once again the time when he had thought Sirius guilty of murdering Lilly and James, he realised that he had turned his back on his friend when he needed him most. Lupin shook his head. He did not have the time to sit there and mope. He needed to get himself together. Sirius had been there through some of the hardest times in Remus' life, and now he was going to do the same.

Tearing himself away from the fire, Lupin set about making two mugs of hot chocolate. He knew that Sirius would need a lot of sleep, to recover from the blood loss and shock, but his friend was also frighteningly gaunt, and needed all the sustenance he could get. To that end, he also prepared several sandwiches, from the meagre contents of the cupboards. As odd as it felt to be doing something normal after such a catastrophe, he needed to go shopping, soon.

Lupin sighed, pausing in his task of collecting everything and placing it upon a tarnished silver serving tray, a remnant of the wealth that the house had once contained. He knew that he need to talk to Sirius, to find out what happened, and most of all, he knew that he had to help his friend. There would be time for his own grief later.

A/N; And here ends Chapter Four. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy!