Shadows of Doubt

by elfmage

Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime!

Warnings; Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

Additional notes; See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content!

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

Chapter Five: And Maybe I'll Find Some Peace Tonight

Remus entered the room slowly, taking care not to spill anything on the tray that he was carrying. The room was growing cool, and after he placed the tray on the desk in the corner, he pulled his wand from the sleeves of his robes, lighting a fire in the grate once more. He then turned to observe his friend once more.

Sirius was sleeping more peacefully than he had that morning, but he still did not look completely at ease. Remus knew that that was nothing unusual, though. It had become quite common for him to place an enchantment on Sirius evening night-cap, which Lupin usually insisted to be hot chocolate. Remus never said anything, and Sirius never complained, although he had to know that his food was being spelled.

"Perhaps he simply wanted peace," mused Remus.

Peace from the terrible nightmares, the ones that made Remus fear for his friend's sanity on more than one occasion. It was bad enough that Sirius had spent twelve years in Azkaban for a crime that he did not commit, whilst being condemned by all those remaining whom he had loved and trusted. That he then had to also suffer that same pain now, after he had escaped, was incomprehensible.

Remus was ashamed to know that he also played a major part in his friend's nightmares. His betrayal, the way in which he had abandoned Sirius haunted his own dreams, and he had not had twelve years of Dementors preying on his mind to magnify them.

Once again, Remus pushed his guilt out of his mind, for the time being, at least. He needed to help Sirius now, in whatever way he could. He walked to the bed, and after a moments hesitation, he placed a large hand on Sirius' shoulder, shaking him gently.

"Sirius, wake up," he coaxed gently. "You need to eat something."

Sirius woke up much quicker than the last time, although he was still rather disorientated when he did. However, he did as Remus bid, waking up and making an attempt to sit up. He felt terribly weak, and the feeling did not sit well with him. Remus helped him into an upright position, and he muttered a "thank you," too ashamed to look his friend in the face.

Presenting his friend with the sandwiches and hot chocolate, Remus sat back in the chair he had placed beside the bed the night before, holding his mug in his lap. He observed his friend quietly, noticing the way Sirius would appear as though he were about to say something, and then hesitate and apparently think better of it.

When Sirius had eaten almost an entire sandwich, he pushed the plate away, not able to eat any more.

"I… I'm sorry, Remus,… I just can't… eat any more… I'm sorry…" the Animagus apologised.

"That's ok, Sirius," Remus softly reassured the man, rather disconcerted by the way in which Sirius had felt the need to apologise.

An awkward silence, on Sirius' end at least, followed, and the two sat for a while, saying nothing. Remus sipped his hot chocolate, and Sirius seemed to be studying the eiderdown with rapt attention. The werewolf again observed him, something he had been doing a lot lately. There was simply something not right with his friend, besides the obvious.

Finally, Remus spoke again, softly as ever;

"Sirius, we need to talk," he tried to sound reassuring, to bolster his friend's courage.

"A… about what?" Sirius stuttered, trying to pretend he had no idea. His eyes were pleading. Remus couldn't tell if he was pleading Remus not to talk about it, or pleading for him to take all the pain away, or a combination of the two. It was disarming, but Lupin continued.

"About last night. Tell me what happened."

"I… I don't rem… remember," Sirius lied, guilt evident upon his gaunt countenance.

"I know you do Sirius, and I can't help you unless you tell me. Like when I helped you at Hogwarts, remember?" Remus coaxed.

Of course Sirius remembered that day at Hogwarts so many years ago. Remus knew that he himself would never forget it. It was the first time he had ever seen Sirius as anything but cool, confident and completely sure of himself.

/Flashback/

Remus was looking around for Sirius, having noticed his absence at dinner that evening. Truth be told, his friend had been acting rather out of sorts since school had resumed. Remus had not been able to find much out from him, but Sirius had a habit of talking in his sleep. From what Lupin had heard, he guessed that the Blacks' were making Sirius' life rather difficult again.

He sighed. How terribly, and horribly, ironic, that Sirius was doomed to be scorned by the world because he came from a pureblood family renowned for its' arrogance and tendency to practise the Dark Arts, and to be scorned by that family because he refused to be like them.

Remus himself had not been dealt an easy hand, but he had also seen the way Sirius' parents could treat him. It was not unusual for Sirius to return to school with horrific bruising, new scars, and more emotional problems than Remus could imagine.

His friend was obviously tougher than he gave him credit for though. Aside from occasionally acting a little odd, Sirius was the most composed, confident, self-possessed person that Remus knew. Lupin didn't know how he did it. He had people impose such heavy burdens upon him, and yet still remained completely sure of himself. Or so Lupin thought.

After several fruitless hours of searching, Lupin returned to the Gryffindor common room, where nearly everyone else had gone to bed. James and Peter were still at detention, having annoyed the potions Professor one too many times. Remus gave up, and padded up the winding stairs into the room he shared with three others, expecting it to be empty.

The werewolf did not, however, expect to be met with the site of Sirius pacing back and forth agitatedly, talking to himself, arguing with himself. Remus ducked behind the bed nearest to the door, Sirius having not noticed the other boy entering, and watched carefully through the curtains.

"You're so stupid! Why the hell can't you be smart, just once? Or… or just be good at something! Instead, instead you are a… a complete failure. He's right. He is, he is, he is. You don't deserve to live, you don't, you don't, you DON'T!"

The last few words were almost yelled, making Remus jump. He had no idea what was going on, what was making his friend act like this. Lupin almost guessed that he had been cursed, but something told him that there was more to this than something that simple.

Sirius spun around, anger clear on his face. Remus had never seen him angry like that, and wondered what had upset him so much. Sirius whirled again, and slammed his fists into the walls, again and again, until his knuckles were heavily bruised and beginning to bleed. Somewhere the anger had melded with sadness, and now he was belting the wall in anger, with tears running down his face, sobbing incomprehensibly.

When Sirius gave no indication that he was going to stop damaging his hands, Remus decided he had to take action. The full moon was nearing, giving Remus more strength than he usually possessed, making him at least as strong as Sirius, if any need for strength arose.

Mind made up, Remus stepped out from behind the bed, and Sirius became aware of his presence for the first time, reacting as though someone had set off a fire-cracker near him. His eyes widened, and his mouth hung open slowly. He didn't say a word though, simply turned and bolted for the door.

Remus, however, was ready for such a move, and with the strength of the werewolf he grabbed his friend around the waist, halting his dash. When Sirius began to struggle wildly against him, Lupin pinned his arms by his side, and dragged him over to the nearest bed. Pressing Sirius down, he held him by the arms, forcefully enough to restrain him, but hopefully not enough to hurt him.

Sirius began to struggle even more wildly, become hysterical in his desperation to escape. It was almost as though he was no longer aware of his actions. He was breathing so fast he was almost hyperventilating, panicking terribly, choking on his sobs as he tried to escape the werewolf's grasp.

Remus, however, had no plans on letting Sirius go, until he had told him what was wrong. So he waited patiently, refusing to let the panic rising inside of him gain control, until Sirius' panic had died down slightly, and he was merely trembling and sobbing occasionally. It then occurred to Remus that this was similar to something he had read about in a Muggle book, something called a "nervous breakdown."

"What's wrong, Sirius?" he asked urgently. "Tell me what's wrong!"

"I… I can't! I can't tell you, no-one can know, you can't know who I am!" Sirius choked out.

"What can't I know, Padfoot? What do you mean?"

"How pathetic I am, Moony. I can't do anything right, I can't… I can't be like other people! I want to be, to just be happy, but I can't! So I hide it all, until I forget it, but then sometimes… sometimes it all happens, and then I am pathetic all over again…" Sirius rambled. Then he whispered something else;

"He's right. He's always right."

Remus looked concerned. This was very unlike his friend, but that was just what Sirius was trying to tell him. Who was this mysterious detractor though, who undermined his friend's confidence?

"Who's right, Sirius? Who told you that? What did he say?"

Sirius laughed bitterly, a laugh that ended in a rather hysterical sounding sob.

"He's that little voice in my head; the one that I don't want to listen to, but he's right, always right. I am pathetic. I am, aren't I Moony?" Sirius asked, sounding lost.

Remus didn't know what to say at first. Instead, he released his friend from the restraining hold, instead holding him in a tight hug, Sirius' head against his shoulder. He expected him to fight, but he didn't. Instead, Sirius grabbed hold of the back of Remus' robes and held on tightly, sobbing softly.

"You aren't pathetic at all Sirius. How could you be?"

Sirius just stayed where he was, enjoying one of the few moments in his life where he felt like someone actually cared about him, really cared and wanted to help him. And the little voice was gone. Sirius knew it would be back, though.

/End Flashback/

Sirius sat silently, remembering that night clearly. He sighed. He didn't deserve a friend like Moony, all he ever did was cause him more problems and pain. Sirius knew that he would eventually just ruin his life, just like he had destroyed James', Lilly's, and… Harry's. Sirius bit back another sob.

"Sirius, what is it?" Remus asked, as concerned for his friend as ever.

"I… I don't deserve a friend like you, Remus. I never… I never did. All I have ever done… all I ever is cause you more trouble. I… I don't want you to… to…" Sirius trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished.

"Oh, Padfoot," Remus closed his eyes in sorrow, having gained more insight into his friend's thoughts. He got out of the chair, sitting beside his friend on the bed, one arm around him, drawing him close. Sirius looked like he was going to cry again, and Lupin desperately wanted to help his friend, to comfort him.

"Please… Please don't, Moony…" Sirius spoke softly. There was a brief pause as Remus collected his thoughts, before Sirius spoke again, this time his voice a dull whisper.

"You'll… you'll end up dead, like… like all of them. Like James and Lilly… like… Ha… Harry," here Sirius choked slightly, "And it will all be my fault…"

It was as though saying it out loud suddenly changed everything. Sirius began to weep, not the normal crying of a man saddened, but the beginnings of hysteria, weeping that Remus remembered from a long time ago.

"It was my fault, Remus! All my fault! God, if it wasn't for me… they'd still be alive, all of them… If I had just listened to him in the first place… if I had listened, they'd be alive. Oh, God," he sobbed, his breathing getting shorter as he sobbed in earnest.

Remus felt his body go cold. What did Sirius mean? He had a vague idea, but his friend couldn't possibly even consider that, couldn't mean what he said. There was no doubt in his mind who the "him" was, but what had he told Sirius to do? Lupin had to know, and, careful of his friend's apparently fragile state, he decided to ask.

"Sirius, listen to me, this is very important, ok? What did he tell you to do?" When no answer was forthcoming, Remus became a little more urgent.

"Sirius, you really have to answer me. Concentrate. What did he tell you to do?"

Sirius swiped at his eyes hurriedly with his sleeve, even as more tears spilled over. He could see it all happening again, like being in Azkaban, haunting him. The urgency in Remus' voice brought him back to the present, as he struggled to answer.

"He… he was right. All I ever… all I ever do is… screw things up, all I ever do. I should have… listened, should have done… done what he said," Sirius said, unconsciously twisting his hands.

"What should you have done, Sirius?" As much as Remus hated to admit it, his friend was beginning to frighten him. If he was right in his suspicions…

"I… I should have killed myself, Remus," Sirius finally looked him in the eyes, revealing the haunted, guilt-ridden depths of his soul. "I should have just killed myself, and… and they would all be alive…" he broke off again.

"It's all my fault. I killed them, Remus. All my fault… Oh, God, it's all my fault!"

With that final heart-wrenching statement, Sirius finally broke down, sobbing hysterically and apologising constantly, whilst Remus Lupin held him close, offering him what little comfort he could, as his mind raced in horror and shock.

After a while, Sirius began to calm, and Lupin resumed his gentle questioning, all too aware of his friend's fragile mental state.

"Can you tell me what he told you, the other night? Do you remember?" He asked quietly.

Of course he remembered. He couldn't ever forget. Every single time he had messed up in his life, every mistake he had made, every time the voice had pointed it out, he could remember.

"He… he said that I'm careless, that I don't think, that I'm stupid. That I didn't deserve your forgiveness. That all I ever do is destroy people's lives, ruin things… That is was all my fault… And he's right." Sirius trailed off, grief once again welling up.

"No, he isn't, Padfoot!" Remus asserted. "Can't you see that all he wants to do is destroy you? That he is just trying to play with you, break you, torment you? You can't listen to him any more, Sirius."

Sirius risked glancing up again.

"But he's right."

Remus sighed, and hugged his friend close again.

"No, he isn't. I don't blame you, Sirius. How could I, when it wasn't your fault? James and Lilly wouldn't either, you know that. Harry… Harry wouldn't want you to destroy yourself over a lie, Sirius!"

Sirius still looked disbelieving, but he was no longer sobbing, and seemed to be regaining control, which gave Remus hope. The Animagus' eyes began to drift closed, as the strain of the conversation began to weigh on him. He struggled to stay awake, even as his body demanded sleep, weak from blood loss and mental exhaustion.

Remus laid his head on top of Sirius', his mind still whirling with this new information, his thoughts awash with a horrified disbelief at his friend's thoughts.

"Go to sleep, Sirius. We'll talk in the morning."

As Sirius drifted into the realms of sleep, a sleep that he dreaded, bound to be full of dreams that he could not bear to witness, he heard Remus whisper something;

"It's not your fault."

A/N; And here ends Chapter Five. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy!