Shadows of Doubt

by elfmage

Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime!

Warnings; Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

Additional notes; See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content!

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

Chapter Seven: Light Up All the Evil Dreams 'Til They Ignite Screaming Into the Night

Remus shifted on the bed, drawing Sirius' attention towards him.

"I really think we need to talk some more, don't you, Sirius?" he asked, keeping his voice as gentle and calm as he could.

"I… what… I mean, … what is there… I'm so sorry…"

"Sirius, I'm fine," Remus replied levelly. "It's you that I'm worried about-"

"You shouldn't be," Sirius interrupted bitterly. "You should just… just go, go far away… where I can't find you… where I can't hurt you… where I can't… where I can't betray you… like I betrayed them."

Remus felt that now familiar feeling of tears burning the backs of his eyes. Once again, Sirius was displaying his terrible ability to remember every bad thing that had happened in his life, every time he had screwed up… every cruel word that had been said to him.

"How could you, Sirius? How could you betray them? They trusted you! They trusted you, and you killed them!"

"I destroyed them, Moony… I destroyed their lives… everything…" Sirius took a deep breath, closing his eyes to stop the tears of guilt and frustration from falling.

"It wasn't you, Sirius. It was never your fault." Remus was trying to think of some way in which he could convince his friend, aware of how ineffectual his words were.

"It's all I can see, every time I close my eyes…" Sirius words came easier now, no longer so stuttering and unsure. "He shows me, every time I did it, when… when they died. How it was my fault."

"Did he tell you to… to try and kill yourself again, Sirius?" Remus asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

Sirius looked up sharply, his almost hazy eyes focussing on Lupin.

"Don't you see, Remus? It isn't… it isn't because of him… I know now… I know what I have to do… He's right, always, always right…" he whispered.

Lupin knew then how dire his friend's situation really had become; he was no longer just listening to the misguided words of some part of him that said it was all his fault. Now he believed it, all of him. Things seemed to just be getting worse and worse.

Sirius suddenly jumped up from the bed, making Remus jump, only swaying slightly as he began to pace back and forth beside the bed. He ran his thin hands through his tangled, matted hair.

"God, listen to me. I… I'm going insane, aren't I, Moony?" He laughed bitterly, a sharp bark of a laugh. "I guess everyone… everyone was right. I've finally gone… finally snapped… lost it completely."

Sirius' actions reminded a rather stunned Remus of that night in Hogwarts, when his friend had finally let it all go, opened the floodgates in his mind and let all of his emotions pour out. Hope began to rise in him. If his friend would just open up, confide in him, then Lupin could start to help him.

"I wish… I wish it would all just go away, you know what I mean? Just… just stop…" Sirius paused in his pacing for a moment.

"Wish all what would go away, Sirius? What do you want to stop?" Remus already knew the answer to both of his questions, but he needed to hear Sirius say it.

"Ev… everything. All of this…" Sirius gestured with a broad sweep of his hands, resuming his pacing. "I wish he would go… go away, leave me alone."

Sirius paused again, with his head cocked to the side, appearing to be listening intently, shaking his head in disagreement every now and then. Remus knew that now was the time to make his move.

"You can make him stop, Sirius."

The Animagus turned sharply to face his friend, his query, along with slight disbelief and a hint of sheer desperation, evident on his gaunt, haggard face. It was apparent that the voice was still talking away, probably driving Sirius closer and closer to the edge even as Remus was speaking to him.

"How?"

"Make him stop. Tell him to stop. Know that you are stronger than he is, that you are right and he is not, and demand that he stop. Force him to stop."

Sirius didn't look convinced, the doubt on his face growing with every second that passed. Evidently the voice was growing stronger, reminding him of every dark spot lurking in his mind, of every mistake, every regret he had. Lupin knew that this had to end, now.

"He's making you weak, Padfoot." That earned quite a reaction. Sirius hated to show any kind of weakness, and having it pointed out was not to be endured. Remus was goading him, whether or not Sirius realised it.

"Since when do you let other people control you? That slime is no better than Snape. Would you let him tell you what to do? Would you let him destroy your life?"

Lupin hoped what he was attempting would work, and not simply push his friend farther from him. He knew that Sirius had a wealth of anger, hidden deep beneath the surface. The Animagus never let it escape, but maybe it was time for that rage to be put to good use.

Memories began to whirl before Sirius' eyes again, just like they had before his two attempts at suicide. The world before him faded in and out of view, and he began to feel rather faint and ill. He felt weak. And he was sick of being weak, very, very sick of being weak.

Images of James, Lilly and Harry flew past his eyes again and again, smothering him in despair, and he fell to his knees. Then, from somewhere deep within, he felt an incredible rage building, burning him from the inside out. It made every nerve in his body tingle with energy, made him want to scream, to smash something, to destroy and go mad, until he collapsed.

"Shut up."

At first, Remus thought that Sirius was talking to him, that he was giving up, that his collapsing physically was somehow a representation of the internal activity going on. Then, he realised that that short, terse statement, so taut with rage, was not intended for him, but for the voice that had haunted Sirius for so long.

The rage was building, and he thought he would explode. The voice took no notice, continuing to display every one of his failures, every mistake. Sirius, however, was through with this weakness. He felt the fury begin to peak.

"Shut up, now. Shut up, and get out."

He was fighting back, feeling the most powerful surge of energy flowing through his body, shoving the voice back, forcing it to be quiet. It fought against the Animagus, replaying the darkest memories that Sirius possessed, trying to destroy him from the inside out.

"SHUT UP AND GET OUT!"

With a final scream, Sirius shoved all of the rage-laden energy at the voice, in the same way he would have attacked it were it a corporeal entity. He mentally attacked it, smashing and hitting, fighting with no style or particular strategy, but with sheer hatred and determination. Sirius fought it with all he had, until he forced it into submission, until it was finally quiet, no longer reminding him of his failures.

The fierce, terrible anger that had seized him began to dissipate as he realised that he had done it. He was completely and utterly exhausted, and suddenly felt almost empty as the rage disappeared. The voice was gone though. Through the physical and mental exhaustion he felt complete jubilation.

Sirius looked up at Remus from his kneeling position on the hard floorboards. For the first time in what seemed an eternity, he looked Lupin in the eye, not aggressively, and Lupin fancied that those dark eyes no longer looked quite so dead. There was yet work to be done, but his friend had already begun to change.

"You were right, Moony," Sirius' voice was hoarse with exertion. "We did it. He's gone. He's gone."

And with that, Sirius pitched to the side, unconscious before he hit the floor. Remus was slightly concerned, checking his pulse, but soon a relieved grin worked its way across his features.

"You did it, Sirius. You did it."

The Beginning

A/N; Wasn't that a happy ending? After all that angsty drama, I think our beloved friends deserved it, don't you?

There is the possibility of a sequel to this... it depends on the response to this one. Certainly I feel the need to write a Snape-centric fic... I love Snape. :P

Until next time!