Part Two
I'd missed you so much. The many months of looking at that empty room were over; we could go back to being best friends again.
I was so young and naive.
When you came home, you were filled with stories of adventures with your new friends. That first night back, you stayed in my room for hours retelling them to me. I was so glad to have you back, I didn't care if I hated hearing them over and over. And then you thanked me for listening, gave me a kiss goodnight, and went to bed.
And I found myself wishing the kiss had lasted longer. I found myself not wanting to ever let you go. I found myself crying; scared, confused and alone.
There wasn't any time to go in the woods or play games. There was letter writing and owl sending.
I asked questions about Harry, loving the missed sound of your voice, even if I was jealous of him. And then you brought him home... I was so surprised.
You were always with him. All I could do was sit and watch from the window as he stole the only person I loved being with from me.
I was so young... I was too young to know or want anything. Too young to even know what I was really feeling.
That entire first year at Hogwarts was awful; filled with jealousy and anger at Harry and Hermione. You were my brother. You were my best friend first. How dare they come and mess that up.
The year of the diary. Such a simple tool. I had no one else to talk to. No one I could share all these confusing thoughts about what I was feeling with. I tried to direct them at Harry, but it was to no avail. His eyes, his hair... it was wrong; it wasn't yours.
I'd pour my soul into that book for hours at a time, changing your name to his. Tom didn't know who you were, but I was so worried someone would figure out how to read it.
And in return I was possessed. I was freed of those emotions and the fear that came with them. And I loved it. But then I realized what it was doing to me, and I threw the diary away. My only friend a secret keeper.
I almost died in that Chamber. I woke up in an inch of sludge, in Harry's arms as he was dying himself. God, I how I'd wished it were you instead. When we got back to the entrance, I was so glad to be in your arms; I never wanted to let go.
Even these days, I find myself wishing that I had been killed in the Chamber; that Tom had sucked everything out of me. All the pain and the heartache never existing would have been bliss. But the thought of you kept me holding on. The thought of you.
My second year was more bearable than the first. I managed to blend in with all the other student, but there was still no one I could talk to.
My dreams were filled with images of you. I'd watch as you laughed and joked with your friends, wishing I could join in and be near. My days were filled with dread. I felt eyes on me all the time. I kept thinking that they knew my awful secret. That they knew it and were disgusted by me.
I spent a lot of time in the library alone, or wandering the grounds... even if it happened to be raining or snowing.
I remember the falling out you and Hermione had. I secretly cheered whenever you shunned her. It was one less person I had to compete with to get my best friend back.
But I could see that under all that anger, there was sadness. I hate to see you sad; to see you in any sort of pain tears my heart into pieces.
But what hurt more was that I knew what the sadness was for. It wasn't just a friend you were losing; you were losing a new love. You didn't know that, but I did.
And again I tried to push all my thoughts of love on the idea of hair. And I cried in the darkness of unused corridors and closets.
And then you were taken by Sirius Black, and we found out your rat some sort of killer. I cried even harder. You were always putting yourself in danger. Always thinking of the ones you loved before you thought of yourself. Ever since you were little.
I was still one of those. I was still loved by you. It was a thought I clung to hungrily. The one thought I was able to build on.
And again... another year brought about another change.