The Spectacular Spider-Ham
Chapter 2: The Origin of Cyberswine
From then on, Peter kept his costume on hand at all times, just in case he needed it. For a day or two, he didn't see anything that required Spider-Ham's assistance. Then one day he did.
While walking past the grain fields one day, Peter saw Puncher and Kicker again. Only this time, they were being harassed by that fatso Squealer and his usual accompaniment of three monster dogs. He could barely make out what Squealer was saying, but he knew it couldn't be good.
"You two stupid horses lost over twenty pounds of grain last week!" shouted Squealer. "That's inexcusable!"
"We're . . . we're s . . . sorry, sir," squeaked Kicker.
"Well, 'sorry' isn't not gonna cut it this time! You sad excuses for work animals are about to become glue!"
"Look's like it's time for Spider-Ham to make his dramatic first appearance," Peter thought to himself. He quickly dashed behind a nearby tree and changed into his vibrant new costume.
"Say good-bye, you race track rejects!" said Squealer evilly. He let out a high-pitched whimper. Upon hearing it the dogs surrounding him leapt toward the terrified horses. Puncher and Kicker braced themselves for the worst.
"Why don't you dumb mutts pick on someone with your own steroid dosage?" shouted somebody.
The dogs stopped in their tracks and looked in the direction from where the voice came from. Puncher and Kicker opened their eyes, both surprised and relieved that they were still in one piece.
"Who? . . ." started Squealer, bewildered.
Almost faster than his chubby little eyes could follow, Squealer saw what looked like a costumed figure swinging on a thin thread swoop out of nowhere and kick one of the dogs square in the gut, sending it sprawling. Quickly taking in what just happened, another dog lunged at the new coming attacker. Without even looking, the mysterious figure delivered one punch to his would-be canine assailant's snout, rendering it unconscious instaneously. Realizing that this costumed enigma had just quickly and easily defeated his teammates, the remaining dog made a run for it.
"I don't think so, Cujo," said the figure.
Thin strands of some material that Squealer had never seen before shot out from the figure's wrists and wrapped around the dog's legs. It fell down with a loud, bone-cracking sound. Then he twirled the dog around his head like a lasso.
"Around and around and around he goes. Where he stops, only the spider knows!" said the costumed creature.
The figure then let the dog go. It slammed into a nearby tree. Puncher, Kicker, and Squealer couldn't believe their eyes. This guy was incredible! He turned toward Squealer. Squealer felt a sudden sensation of dread come over him.
"Who . . . who are you?" said Squealer, scared to death.
"Who am I?" repeated the figure. "Who am I? I'm your worst nightmare. I'm Spider-Ham!"
"Spi . . . Spider-Ham?" repeated Squealer. The fat pig was afraid for his life.
"Yeah, Spider-Ham," said Spider-Ham. "I want you to do somethin' for me, okay Lardo? I want you to run back to your dumb boss Napoleon like the little girl you are and tell him and the rest of his cronies that I'm here to put them outta business, permanently!"
Without saying a word, Squealer took off for the farmhouse as fast as he could (which wasn't all that fast at all). The injured dogs slowly regained consciousness and followed in suit shortly thereafter, limping the whole way.
That's it! Run! Run you little sissies! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" shouted Spider-Ham mockingly. He turned to the two frightened horses. "'Salright, boys. I'm not gonna hurt 'ya."
"Wow! Thanks, mister!" said Kicker excitedly.
"Who are you? Really?" asked Puncher.
"Just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Ham. Tell your friends!" said Spider-Ham. With that, he spun a web-line and swung off.
After that, the news about Spider-Ham spread like wildfire around Manor Farm. Most of that news was stories of animals being rescued by him, like when he saved some baby geese who almost drowned in the pond, and when he protected some hens from becoming the dogs' next meal. At times, he even played an animal Robin Hood, stealing rations from the pigs and giving them to the starving animals. The animals made up several nicknames for their new hero, like Spidey, the wall-crawler, the web-head, the web-slinger, and the web-spinner. They praised and honored him whenever they could. He was more of an influence on the hopes of the animals than both Old Major and Boxer ever were. They even made song about him that ran as follows:
Spider-Ham, Spider-Ham.
Does whatever a spider can.
Spins a web any size.
Catches dogs, just like flies.
Look out!
Here comes the Spider-Ham
Is he strong? Listen, bud
He's got radioactive blood
Can he swing from a thread?
Take a look overhead.
Hey there!
There's goes the Spider-Ham
In the chill of night,
At the scene of a crime,
Like a streak of light,
He arrives just in time.
Spider-Ham. Spider-Ham.
Friendly neighborhood Spider-Ham.
Welcomed fame, he's ignored.
Action is his reward
To him, life is great big bang-up.
Wherever there's a hang-up,
You'll find the Spider-Ham.
This great deal of worship to Spider-Ham extremely angered the jealous Napoleon. He called a meeting of all the pigs to discuss this "minor nuisance," as he called it. This meeting was to be held in the dining room of the farmhouse. Ironically, Peter also attended this meeting.
"All right, men," said Napoleon. "Now that I have you all here, what do you suggest we do about this recent 'bug infestation' we've had lately? Any ideas?"
"We oughta kill 'em!" said one of the pigs.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," replied Napoleon sarcastically.
Napoleon pressed a button on a control panel placed next to him on the table. Instantly, two dogs burst through the hallway door, grabbed the arms of the pig who had had just spoken with their teeth, and drug him back out the door. There was the horrible sounds of bones breaking, flesh ripping, and the pig's screams of pain. Napoleon did not tolerate stupidity in his presence.
"Any other dumb answers?" asked Napoleon, daring someone to say something. There was no reply. "Didn't think so."
"Barbarian," Peter thought to himself.
"This guy's got some sort of spider-like powers. He's been preventing executions, beating the crap out of the dog squad, stopping our slave drivers from whipping those pieces of trash out there, and stealing our food and giving it to those ingrate slaves of ours. He's totally ruining our profits. If the other farms get a hold of this, it'll completely destroy our reputation," stated Squealer.
"I know that already, you dope," retorted Napoleon.
Under normal circumstances, Squealer would be dead now, but he was to valuable to Napoleon to be killed off. That didn't stop him from insulting him, though.
"I hear those stupid beasts are practically worshiping this guy like a God. They should be honoring me, not him! They've even made up a song about 'em!"
"That song's got a pretty good tempo and rhythm, actually," said Minimus, the poet. "'Couldn't have done much myself."
"Minimus," said Napoleon in an irritated tone, "if you want your head to remain attached to your shoulders, I suggest you shut up."
He was clearly in a bad mood. He was beginning to lose his temper. Perhaps Spider-Ham wasn't just a minor nuisance after all.
"C'mon you guys! Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots! Honestly! Throw me a friggin' bone here!" he shouted. "Does anybody even know where this Spider-Ham guy came from?"
"Some of the other animals think he came from a dying planet somewhere in space and his parents sent him here to preserve their race," said someone.
"What would they know? They have I.Q.'s of three," replied Napoleon.
It took every ounce of will power Peter had to keep himself from falling over laughing. This was almost too much to bear.
Napoleon sighed. "You know what they say: 'If you want something done right, do yourself. Squealer!" said Napoleon.
"Yes, sir?" replied Squealer.
"I want a reward out for this guy immediately. Ten rations of corn to whoever brings him in, dead or alive," said Napoleon, "preferably dead."
"If you don't mind me asking, sir, just how are they gonna kill 'em?" asked Squealer.
"With a fly swatter! With a can of bug spray! I don't care! All I care about is that his lifeless carcass is in front of me! I'll kill him myself if I have to!" yelled Napoleon. "And while you're at it, convince those stupid creatures that he's a bad guy. Go!" With that, Squealer left. "Rally the dogs! I'm going after this guy right now!"
"So, this guy wants a showdown with Spider-Ham, huh? Well it's a showdown he's gonna get," Peter thought to himself. He ran off to go change into "the webs" (that's a nickname he gave his costume).
Napoleon quickly made Spider-Ham the target of a farm-wide animal hunt. He wasn't very successful, though. All of the dogs that had come in contact with web-head had been beaten senseless, so they didn't have his scent; most of them couldn't walk either. Squealer didn't have much luck with the other animals either, believe it or not. As hard he tried to convince them otherwise, they refused to believe that Spider-Ham was a bad guy, nor did they give away any information they knew about him. They said that he had done too many kind things for them and defended them too courageously to be acting on ill will. Thankfully, the members of this generation of creatures was far more intelligent than their predecessors.
Napoleon himself led the pigs, excluding Peter, of course. He and his pig posse were also followed by a pack of ten dogs. They searched and searched for Spider-Ham , but to no avail; he was nowhere to be found. He checked the hen houses, the tall grass in the pond, the barns, and the other buildings; he wasn't in any of those buildings. His inspection led him to the area where are all of the windmills were located, now called Windmill Field. He had the windmills systematically checked. Soon, the only place that Spider-Ham might have been was the Project-R windmill. Just as the pigs were opening the door, someone spoke.
"Lookin' for someone, Porky?" said a voice.
"Who dares address me like that!" shouted Napoleon.
"I dare," said that same voice again.
Napoleon looked closer at a nearby tree. He saw an animal dressed in a red, blue, and black-striped costume. "Spider-Ham!" he said. "Just the insect I wanted to see."
Spider-Ham leapt off of the tree branch he was perched on. "Funny. I was looking for you too," he said. "And spiders are arachnids, you dip."
"My my. Someone has a sense of humor," replied Napoleon cunningly. "I'd love to stay and chat some more, but you know. Places to go, animals to kill. Get 'em!"
Upon hearing Napoleon's command, the dogs lunged at the web-spinner.
"I'm sorry, boys. Am I the life of the party?" said Spider-Ham tauntingly.
Using his spider-sense and superior agility, Spidey was able to easily avoid the canines' attacks, but he couldn't stop moving long enough to strike back.
"There's too many of these mutts," he thought to himself. "Not even I'm an Energizer battery; I can't keep going like this. They're gonna wear me down fast if I don't think of something soon!"
Then he got an idea. He performed a triple back flip and landed right in front of the Project-R windmill.
"Alright, you hell-hounds. Come 'n get me!" he dared them.
Without hesitating, the dogs changed direction and headed for Spider-Ham at full speed. At the last moment, Spidey leaped out of the way. The dogs all slammed into the windmill, knocking themselves unconscious. Because of the tremendous force the dogs just exerted on the windmill, it began to crack a little at the base.
Napoleon let out a sigh of disgust. "Good help is SO hard to find these days," he said. He turned to the rest of the pigs. "Okay, boys! Plan B!"
"Plan B!" thought Spidey to himself. "Nobody ever told me there was a plan B!"
All of the pigs, excluding the web-spinner of course, produced PK-47s, short range pistols loaded with steel-piercing bullets! They all were pointed at the wall-crawler.
"You have got to be kidding," said Spider-Ham in disbelief.
"Nope. Totally serious," replied Napoleon evilly. "Open fire!"
"Oh jeez," said Spider-Ham in panic.
All of the pigs fired their guns simultaneously. It took everything Spidey had to stay out of harm's way. He did back flips, somersaults, front flips, and just about every other gymnastic feat you can imagine, just to keep from becoming dead meat. Thankfully, it was hard for the pigs to a keep their guns steady in their trotters, and their aim was rather poor. As all of the bullets went past Spider-Ham, they went straight through the windmill's stone walls, further weakening its foundation.
Spider-Ham suddenly realized he was still alive. "Heh heh heh," he laughed. "Sharpshooters you ain't!"
"Think you've won, don't you?" said Napoleon slyly. "Time to reload!"
"Oh no ya don't!" said Spider- Ham. He quickly spun a web that wrapped around Napoleon's legs, toppling him.
"You may be able to dodge our bullets, web-head, but I bet you can't get out of the way of this!" said Squealer. He produced a bundle of dynamite that he had found in the farmhouse long ago. "I was saving this for a special occasion, but it looks like I might need it now! Ha ha ha ha!" He lit the fuse with a match and threw it at Spider-Ham, who was still standing in front of the windmill.
"No, you idiot!" cried Napoleon, but it was too late.
Spider-Ham easily leapt out of the way of the explosive and landed in a tree about ten yards away. "You thought I couldn't dodge that? Napoleon's right for once; you are an idiot!"
"Oops," said Squealer stupidly. "The fuse didn't burn as fast as I thought it would."
The dynamite exploded. Because the base of the Project-R windmill was so weak from the damage it just sustained, the force of the explosion was more than enough to topple it. The pigs scattered, but Napoleon couldn't move because his legs were still tied up by Spider-Ham's webbing. The windmill was going to fall right on top of him.
"Uh oh," thought Spider-Ham. "I admit I hate that guy's guts, but I'm not just gonna sit here and watch him die like that!"
Spider-Ham jumped down off the tree and threw a web-line at Napoleon, but it was too late. The windmill fell right on him. The web-line just barely missed.
"Oh no," said Spider-Ham to himself. "What a shame. A terrible death for a terrible animal." Then he realized something horrible. "Wait a minute. Wasn't that the windmill that had the radioactive machine in it? Uh oh . . ." He spun a web-line and swung out of there as fast as he could. There was nothing more he could do to save Napoleon.
The sudden force of the impact of the fall set off a chain reaction in the radioactive generator. A few seconds later, a humongous explosion erupted from the insides of the windmill, creating a giant crater and leveled everything within a fifty yard radius.
The next day, Squealer called a meeting of the animals. He told them that the explosion the previous night had been caused by Spider-Ham. He also said that Spider-Ham himself killed their Leader, Napoleon. He added that he would now be in full control of the farm.
"Bull crap," thought Peter to himself angrily.
When all of the animals were preparing for bed that night, Peter snuck in and told them he was a close, personal friend of Spider-Ham. He assured them that the explosion was not the web-slinger's fault. He also said that Napoleon caused his own death. At this point, the animals' feelings were unsure about both accounts. They decided not to worry about it and just go to sleep for the night.
Little did everyone else know, Napoleon had miraculously survived the explosion, but barely. Nearly his entire body had been crushed and/or burned; he seemed as though he were beyond healing. The pigs found him the day after the explosion while examining the rubble. Remembering that they had already invested in some robotic technology some months back, the pigs hit on an absurd idea: they would mechanically rebuild Napoleon, turning him into a cyborg! They knew it would take some time though.
For weeks and weeks on end, the pigs worked tirelessly on reconstructing Napoleon's body from scratch. The rest of the animals were completely confounded by the pigs' lengthy absence. Peter rarely spent any time with the rest of the pigs, so he didn't know what was going on either. The other pigs unanimously decided to issue their instructions through Peter, who in turn altered them so the animals would have less work. Since all of the pigs' resources were being put into rebuilding Napoleon, there was no need for Spider-Ham anymore.
After almost five months, the pigs succeeded in reconstructing Napoleon! He now stood a towering six feet in height. Because his body was mostly machine now, he weighed more that a ton. The only part of his body that was still flesh was only about three-fourths of his face; the rest was machine. He was fitted with a motley assortment of deadly weapons and gadgets now, including infrared and X-ray vision, lasers, grenade launchers, a rocket pack, and lots of others.
For the first time in almost half a year, Napoleon regained consciousness and spoke. "Where . . . where am I?" he asked.
"You're in one of our windmill laboratories, Napoleon," replied Squealer.
"What happened?"
"The Project-R windmill fell on you, sir. Then a chain reaction occurred in the radioactive generator, causing a massive explosion. Nearly all of your body was destroyed."
"Then what the heck am I now!"
"We rebuilt you, sir. Using the advanced robotic technology that we purchased earlier to build Robo-Dogs to further influence your power, we reconstructed you from scratch. We outfitted you with all sorts of powerful weapons. You now have the strength of an entire army!"
"I do?" Napoleon looked at himself. Squealer was actually telling the whole truth for once! He did have incredible strength! A diabolical grin formed on his robotic face. "I do have immense power! With this new body I can not only conquer the neighboring farms, I can rule the entire world! But first, I'll start with killing those pathetic, useless creatures out there, and then I get my revenge on that infernal Spider-Ham! And this time, it will be him who is destroyed!" He then broke out into a fit of insane, maniacal laughter.
"Napoleon? Napoleon?" said Squealer, a little freaked.
"There is no more Napoleon anymore, you fool! There is only Cyberswine!"