The Spectacular Spider-Ham

Chapter 3: Spider-Ham vs. Cyberswine

Peter was rather content with himself lately. He didn't mind not being with the other pigs while they were doing who knows what in that windmill lab that they were working in. He was glad to get away from them. Even after five months, he still felt a small sting of guilt for not saving Napoleon when he could have.

One night, Peter was with the rest of the animals in the barn, having casual conversations. He was talking to Clover and Benjamin when suddenly his "spider sense" went crazy.

"Uh oh," thought Peter. "My spider sense is going off the scale! This is gonna be a big one!" He turned to Clover and Benjamin. "Will you two excuse me a moment? I need to check on . . . uh . . . something," he said. Without waiting for a reply, he ran off to change into his Spider-Ham costume.

Seconds later, two huge mechanical fists punched through one of the barn's walls. With a shattering of splinters, Cyberswine burst in. The animals were scared out of their wits. They had no idea who or what was suddenly attacking them, nor did they know why.

"Evening, folks," he said evilly. "I needed some target practice to break in my new body, so I graciously chose you worthless creatures!" He raised his fist again, preparing to strike an innocent animal when he heard an all too familiar annoying voice.

"How 'bout using something a little more challenging, namely me!" said a voice.

"Spider-Ham! Long time no see," said Cyberswine, not surprised. "I figured that if I made a scene you'd show up sooner or later."

Spidey was hanging upside down on the ceiling on the side of the barn opposite Cyberswine. Taking advantage of their robotic attacker's diverted attention, the rest of the animals quickly evacuated the barn.

"'Long time no see?'" repeated Spider-Ham. "Have we met? I'm pretty sure I'd remember a face as ugly as yours."

"Oh aren't we the comedian tonight," said Cyberswine. "You don't recognize me? I am he who as once called Napoleon. Now you may address me as Cyberswine, future ruler of Earth!"

Spider-Ham was completely bewildered. Napoleon? It couldn't be, but yet it was. "There's no way you could be Napoleon!" said the web-spinner. "I saw him get blown to pieces"

"That would be correct. But actually he, I, survived by sheer strength of will! My loyal servants found me and rebuilt me using advanced robotics. We were going to use that machinery to create a Robo-dog squad to increase fear of disobedience around here, but I suppose that technology can be put to better use in my hands, not some dumb animals'," answered Cyberswine.

"So that's what they were doing in that windmill lab!" Spider-Ham thought, shocked. He had enough; it was time to shut down this mechanical nightmare. "Alright, Robopig. Enough chit chat. Banzai!"

Spidey spun a web-line and swung at Cyberswine at full force. Suddenly, his "spider sense" went berserk again. Moving with speed unusual for someone of his size and weight, Cyberswine raised his arm and took a swing at the wall-crawler. Not even the spectacular Spider-Ham was fast enough to dodge that blow. It struck him with enough force to topple a large automobile, let alone a small animal. Spider-Ham flew right through the barn wall and few trees before coming to a stop. He was now more than a hundred yards away from the barn. He slowly began to regain consciousness.

"Ughn . . . did someone get the license plate number of that bus? Ooh . . ." said Spidey, dazed. He looked up and saw the barn explode in a giant fireball. "Holy . . ."

"That was just a taste of my new power, web-head!" shouted Cyberswine in the distance. "And now I'll leave you something to remember me by!" His hand slid into his arm, revealing a cannon of some sort. He fired.

Spider-Ham saw a capsule come out of Cyberswine's arm. It rose in the air and came back down close to him in an arc. When it got close enough, he saw what it was.

"Son of a sow! It's a grenade!" shouted Spider-Ham.

The explosive landed about ten feet away from him. Then it detonated. The explosion sent Spidey flying back several yards, burning him mildly as well. Spider-Ham had been defeated and broken, badly. Thankfully though, the spider's gene for an exoskeleton had made his skin a lot tougher and his healing factor had increased dramatically. That still didn't stop the pain though. While his body had almost been destroyed, his ego was suffering even more.

Over the next several days, Cyberswine continued his destructive rampage, destroying more buildings and killing dozens of animals. Spider-Ham tried to stop him every time, but he was always quickly and horribly defeated. It seemed as though nothing could stop this maniacal mechanical monster. Ever since Cyberswine had appeared, the rest of the pigs had mysteriously vanished from the public scene; they never left the farmhouse anymore, probably an order from Cyberswine.

Spider-Ham, still suffering from injuries, was sitting in his room, trying to figure out how to thwart Cyberswine. So far, he had come up with nothing.

"There has got to be some way to beat this guy," he thought. "Regardless of how detailed the pigs design was, he has got to have a weakness. I'll just have to mentally analyze him until I think of something. Let's see, he's big yet fast. That's definitely not a weak point. He got an awful lot of weapons. That weighs him down, but doesn't slow him. Where does he get all the power he needs to operate those gadgets anyway? They can't be solar powered; that'd be just plain stupid. He'd have to have a battery pack bigger than his head . . ." Something came to him. "That's it! His battery pack! I've never seen one on him, but he has to have one somewhere. Batteries store electrical energy, and he must need lots of it to power him. Electrical devices are vulnerable to water. I'll just lure him to the pond and I'll let him have it! I'm such a genius!" He quickly got into "the webs" and wrote a short letter. Then he swung off for the windmill laboratories.

Cyberswine was inside one of the windmill labs, recharging his battery pack with an electrical generator. He normally concealed his battery inside his chest. He noticed something shoot through the window and hit the adjacent wall. It was a note, stuck to the wall with webbing. Not surprised, nor amused, he ripped it off the wall and read it. It said:

Cyberswine:

Let's have one last battle. You and me. Mano e mano. Spider-Pig to freak show. Meet me at the pond, ready to fight to the death. Only one of

us will leave alive. Let's make like the Western movies andhave it at high noon. See ya there.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Ham

"Very amusing, web-brain," thought Cyberswine. "Prepare to die!"

When Cyberswine arrived at the pond at noon, Spider-Ham was already there, standing right in front of the pond and staring straight at him.

"A little early, I see," said Cyberswine sarcastically.

"Just shut up and fight," said Spider-Ham, taking a fake ninjitsu fighting stance. "Let's get this over with." For the first time in known history, Spider-Ham was actually sounding serious.

"Fine by me," said Cyberswine.

The battle that ensued was the fight to end all fights. Both fighters gave it their all. It took both of them everything they had to keep up with the other. Cyberswine used just about every weapon at his disposal, Spider-Ham unloaded enough webbing to fill a large swimming pool. The battle lasted several hours into the night. As the fight progressed, Cyberswine's battery was gradually running out of power. This was giving the web-slinger a slight advantage. Finally, it came down to the final seconds.

Cyberswine had Spidey cornered between two trees. The pond was right behind Cyberswine.

"My favorite part of the game," said Cyberswine. "'Sudden death.'" he fired his last grenade right at Spider-Ham.

Thinking quickly, Spidey spun two web-lines that stuck to the trunks of the two trees. He then took five steps back. Spider-Ham was going to use himself as a living slingshot! He let go of the webbing. He flew straight at the incoming grenade. He did a front flip in the air, sailing over the explosive. He pushed both his feet out. He hit Cyberswine hard enough to send him flying into the middle of the pond. Immediately, Cyberswine's body began to malfunction. Sparks were flying everywhere. Spider-Ham walked up to the edge of the pond.

"Do you know who just defeated you?" said Spider-Ham. Cyberswine couldn't speak due to the extremity of his power loss. Spider-Ham took off his mask, revealing the face of Peter Porker. "I did!" Even though Cyberswine couldn't talk, he still could see. He looked shocked. Then he exploded in a huge electrical fireball. Spider-Ham put his mask back on, sighed, and started back for the farmhouse.

With Napoleon/Cyberswine truly gone, the pigs and dogs had no power. Because of their evil ways, Spider-Ham exiled them out of the farm. With them gone, Spidey re-renamed the farm Animal Farm, and restored the Seven Commandments in their entirety. Never again would corruption poison the souls of Animal Farm. Spidey himself became unofficial leader of Animal Farm and ambassador to the human world. He was always friendly toward humans, but never adopted many of their habits. Spider-Ham always remained steadfast in his efforts to protect all animals from evil. For generations, the grateful animals of Animal Farm always honored their hero, the spectacular Spider-Ham!