Death blinked, looking around the area around Mimir's Well.
"Hey," she said. "Where is everybody?"
POP!
A note appeared in midair.
Dear Death, it said, Can't come today, have to show up for this dub session. Xellos.
POP!
Another note.
Have to work overtime. Sorry. Peorth.
POP!
Death sweatdropped as she grabbed the third note.
At a party in Faerun. Wish you were here. Toltiir.
Death pouted cutely. "Aww! It's no fun to watch alone!"
----------------------------------------
The sun hung low over the sky as Sasuke handed her a bouquet of flowers. Standing underneath the shadow of a cherry tree, its blossoms raining around them, Sakura inhaled deeply their scent.
"Oh, Sasuke..." she said looking up at him. Love shown in his eyes, and she knew such joy.
"Sakura," he said, touching her cheek in a soft caress. "Oh, Sakura, I love you so much! Your hair, your eyes, oh Sakura, say you'll be mine?"
She stared in his eyes, which were devoid of their usual coolness. "Oh yes, Sasuke! Yes, YES! I will be your Lady Uchiha!"
"Oh Sakura!"
"Sasuke...!"
The delicate flowers were crushed as they came together, their lips seeking each other. Kissing passionately, their hands roamed each other's bodies, their tongues locked in mortal combat.
"Oh Sasuke..." she moaned as Sasuke broke their kiss and started to nibble on her ears.
Sakura...
"Oh Sasuke!" she gasped as he moved lower, down to the hollow at the base of her neck, his hands holding her close.
Sakura...!
"Oh, Sasuke!" Sakura moaned in ecstasy as the Uchiha began to nuzzle her chest, one hand moving up her leg and under her dress, the other reaching up to undo her zipper.
HARUNO SAKURA, WOULD YOU PLEASE WAKE UP THIS MINUTE!
POP!
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The Cursed Log Book 1:
Kurt-kun In Konoha
by Shadow Crystal Mage
5th Incident: Out Of The Closet...
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, someone else does (and he or she can keep it for all I care!). Neither do I own Ah! My Goddess, the Endless, Norse mythology, or Slayers.
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Coming to, Sakura became aware that they were in front of the mirror in her room. Kurt was directing an annoyed stare at their reflection.
About time you woke up, Kurt said, glaring harder at their reflection.
What was that for? Sakura growled. I was having a nice-
I know what you were having, he interrupted. A Sasuke-tasy. Look, I'm an adaptable guy, but I have my limits. A girl's body, I can adapt to. A horny girl's body, no way!
Pause.
Wait a minute, Sakura said. How did that happen?
Apparently, you can affect your body in REM sleep. I've noted it a couple of times. The effect is usually mild, so it must have been some dream you were having.
Kurt's voice had become amused at the end of the paragraph, and he was now smirking at their reflection.
Oh, Sakura said in a small 'voice'. -sigh- Did you really have to interrupt me? It was getting good!
Yes, Kurt said firmly.
Another pause.
Why are we in front of the mirror? Sakura asked.
It was the closest thing to glaring at you I could get.
Ah.
----------------------------------------
Are you getting tired of microwave lasagna every morning? Kurt asked as he took out said food from the microwave.
Nope, Sakura said. You?
HECK NO! he said, speed eating through the pasta. If I were Naruto, then this is my ramen.
Same here, Sakura said, wanting to shake her head at the speed breakfast had been consumed. If I didn't know better, I'd say you just inhaled the stuff.
I don't like wasting time, Kurt replied as he washed the dishes.
Gathering their gear, he made a final check.
Pouch one, two, three, four, five and six, check. Belt, check. Hitai-ate, check. Keys and wallet, check. I guess that's everything.
Onward to Sasuke! Sakura said.
I knew we shouldn't have watched that anime last night, Kurt muttered as he made the seals. Man, this jutsu was useful.
----------------------------------------
Two hours later...
Nowhere! Kurt said. He actually is late this time! I think we should worry. The last time this happened, we ended up being chased by a bear.
Sakura shuddered at the reminder.
The sun was already well on it's way up, and still no Kakashi. Naruto, who had run out of things to call him, had gone off to eat some ramen. Sakura had voiced the opinion that the kyuubi-boy would get back before their sensei got here.
So for the moment, it was just them and Sasuke. A little over a month ago, Sakura would have been in conniptions of joy and Sasuke would have been getting ultra-annoyed. Now, however, Sakura was mourning another wasted opportunity to ask Sasuke out, and Sasuke was actually... relaxed, for want of a better term. At first glance, there was nothing different about him, but on closer inspection, his features weren't as tense as they used to be. Sakura said it was because she was around him alone. Kurt countered it was because she hadn't pestered him for a date for a month.
When Naruto popped up again around nine-thirty, Kakashi was still not-so-mysteriously absent. The blond, apparently still in a good mood from his eating session, said nothing, just grumbled under his breath and sat down.
Finally...
"Nice of you to show up, Kakashi-sensei," Kurt said dryly as the jounin finally appeared, another two hours later.
"Uh, well, you see, there was this chicken in my bathroom-" Kakashi said.
"WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT!" Naruto interrupted, his good mood having vanished an hour and fifty-six minutes ago.
"So what's the mission of the day, Kakashi-sensei?" Kurt asked, talking over the ranting boy.
Kakashi coughed, and muttered something about having it seen to. "Right, the mission," he said, promptly causing Naruto to shut up. "We've been hired for guard duty. A merchant train has asked us escort their vehicles against bandits."
"We have to protect a whole merchant train?" Kurt said, astonished. "Isn't that asking a bit too much? We're only four people, after all. Well, five, but I'm counting bodies."
Thanks for the vote, Sakura muttered.
"We're not going alone," Kakashi said, clarifying. "The merchants have asked for four teams to accompany them. This is a class-C mission, but hey, it's their money."
"FOUR TEAMS!" Kurt and Naruto chorused, but for different reasons.
"That's outrageous!" Naruto said. "I, the great ninja and future Hokage Uzumaki Naruto, am perfectly capable of carrying out this mission without help!"
Kurt gave him a sideways glance. "May I remind you just who found Tora and the bear on our last two missions?"
"But still-" Naruto said.
"Still, nothing! There's no way you can do a mission like this without help! Kage Bunshin can only be spread so thin," Kurt interrupted.
Got that right, Sakura muttered.
"Why did you have a violent reaction?" Sasuke asked, his first official words of the day.
"It means we'll have to work with people, which will eventually mean socializing," Kurt said with a sigh.
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "This will be a mission, not a picnic. There won't be any socializing involved."
Kurt gave him a knowing, if slightly resigned, smile. "Sounds good in theory, but take it from someone who's tried to make that theory work: you're dead wrong."
Kakashi coughed again. "Anyway, we leave in an hour. Pack your bags, this mission will take us at least a week, possibly two."
Thanks for the warning, Sakura said sarcastically as they were dismissed.
Be nice, Kurt joked as they teleported back to their house. Yup, you just gotta love that jutsu.
----------------------------------------
Thirty-five minutes later, their backpack repacked, this time with more clothes, Sakura and Kurt waited by the north gate, where Kakashi had told them to go. Outside said gate, a bunch of wagons were waiting, obviously their assignment.
Where are those guys! Kurt muttered irritably. Don't tell me they decided to pull a Kakashi!
What, they're somewhere nearby waiting to see if we'll detect them? Sakura joked.
You know what I mean, Kurt said. It's behavior like this that gives guys a bad name.
It is strange for Sasuke to be late, Sakura said. I hope nothing's happened to him.
As if that were a cue, Sasuke appeared, with Ino glomped on to his arm. Behind them, Chouji, Naruto and Shikamaru followed. All of them were packed with bags, although Chouji seemed to be carrying Ino's gear.
The effect, in Sakura anyway, was immediate.
Ino-pig! Get your hands off my Sasuke! Sakura raged.
She can't hear you, Kurt pointed out. Sakura ignored him as she kept on ranting, giving Kurt an inside view at the workings of 'Inner Sakura'.
----------------------------------------
Shikamaru, though a genius, wasn't exactly a philosopher. He had few basic beliefs in life. It would be bad to die on a mission. There is always time to watch the clouds. Work is too troublesome. It was too troublesome to raise a fuss over anything. And Ino, Sakura and Sasuke in the same general area usually meant troublesome trouble.
So the minute he saw Sakura, he cringed inside, expecting the usual nuclear detonation.
He didn't get it.
"About time you guys got here," Sakura said, talking to Naruto and Sasuke. "I was afraid you two had pulled a Kakashi."
Shikamaru swore he saw Sasuke's mouth twitch ever so slightly. "We were only a bit delayed."
"So I see," Sakura said dryly, her eyes lingering for a moment on Ino. "Well, no harm done. I take it they're one of the other teams on this mission?"
"Apparently," Sasuke replied in the same dry voice.
Shikamaru's jaw dropped. Chouji, while not exactly interested in the local gossip, knew enough of things to nearly choke on his food in astonishment. Ino was speechless, looking frozen on Sasuke's arm and glancing continuously between Sasuke, Sakura and back. None of them noticed Naruto snickering.
Shikamaru checked the skies. His precious clouds were still there, the sky beyond wasn't green, there were no flying pigs in sight and no meteors seemed about to drop and End The World. Of course, it could be snowing in hell, but there was no way to know for sure. Still, he was pretty sure something really wrong was going on.
Then he shrugged. Too troublesome to worry about it. Still, it nagged at the back of his mind.
----------------------------------------
A little while later, Ino was still glomped to Sasuke's arm, though he bore it stoically. Sakura had settled down under a tree to read a book, not even looking at Ino and Sasuke. Chouji had gone back to eating and Naruto had run off to buy instant ramen. Apparently, there was still room in his pack. Shikamaru was watching clouds, although every so often his eyes would flicker to Ino, Sasuke and Sakura, as if watching a bomb whose clock had stalled but could still finish the countdown any minute. Every so often, he'd scan the rest of the skies for celestial warnings, such as said flying pigs, meteors, dragons eating the sun, etc.
Ino was watching Sakura suspiciously as Naruto returned and began rearranging his pack. All the amity she had shown a few days ago was gone. That had been during peacetime, but this was war!
"Hey Sakura! Get that forehead of yours out of the sun, it's blinding the rest of us!" she taunted.
Sakura didn't look up from her book. "I recommend a pair of sunglasses."
Sasuke's lips twitched. Fortunately for him, no one noticed.
Ino, however, was thrown way off. That was not Sakura's usual response. "What's the matter? Your forehead's so big but you don't have the brains to think of a better comeback?"
"Are you in love with my forehead or something, flower girl?" was the slightly irritated response. Still, Sakura never looked up from her book.
Ino was spared from answering when Kakashi finally arrived, accompanied by Kurenai, Asuma, Gai (who seemed to be carrying an awful lot of luggage), and the latter's' respective teams, who all seemed luggage free.
"Got lost on the road of life again, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked wryly, finally looking up from her book. Her eyes flickered to the Green Beast of Konoha and his load. "Or did you beat Gai-sensei in another game of janken?"
Kakashi was scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. "A little of both Sakura-chan."
Almost everyone else missed the significant looks that team seven- even Naruto- exchanged. Neji noted it, however, and tucked it in his mind for future reference.
"ALRIGHT!" Naruto said, jumping up in excitement. "ON TO THE MISSION!"
He was promptly silence when Sakura threw a rock at him. "Do you mind? People who value their eardrums are present."
Kakashi snickered. "Alright, everyone put their bags on Gai. He's agreed to be our bagboy for this mission."
Sasuke gave the man a cursory glance before tossing his bag on top of the pile in the man's arms. His was swiftly followed by Naruto's, Chouji's, Shikamaru's (thrown by Chouji for him, the lazy bum), Ino's, and Sakura's.
"How'd you ended up doing this, anyway?" Naruto asked the burdened man.
Gai tried to do one of his poses and failed miserably. Instead, he smiled his blinding, giga-watt smile. "My eternal and most worthy rival Kakashi challenged me to a contest of skill, ingenuity and physical prowess. If I lost, I was to carry everyone's bags for the duration of this mission."
"Translation: he beat you in another game of janken," Shikamaru said in a bored tone.
"Sounds about right," Sakura agreed.
----------------------------------------
"Has Sakura struck you as acting a little... odd?" Ino asked Tenten as they were walking.
"Besides her not making a single move on Sasuke or trying to keep you from him?" the weapons mistress said wryly. "Or are you talking about her new kook?"
Ino gave her a look. "That's actually what I meant."
"Oh, come on! Don't tell me you're actually concerned about having a straight path to Sasuke?"
"It's not that. My woman's intuition says something is really wro- HEY, that's right! I do have a straight path to Sasuke!"
"Now she gets it," Tenten muttered, bemused.
Both girls glanced at the topic of their conversation. It was hours later, and they were well on their way. Sasuke, Naruto, Lee and Kiba had taken point. Everyone else walked to either side of the wagons. The jounins took up the rear, with Gai waay in the back, still carrying the bags. Sakura was walking casually, hands entwined behind her head, the six pouches strapped to her limbs and the utility belt around her waist not seeming to bother her. She seemed to be scanning her side of the terrain, not much to look at or hide behind as it was.
"Since when did she go weaponeer, anyway?" Ino muttered.
"Since six days ago," Tenten answered, a slightly annoyed look on her face. "I am no longer customer of the month at my favorite store."
----------------------------------------
Meanwhile, in the dual mind of their topic of conversation...
… and the look on Ino's face when you called her 'flower girl'…! Sakura dissolved into peals of laughter.
Kurt sighed. The girl had been repeating the same thing for the last few hours or so, although it seemed like days. Kurt was getting very tempted to commit suicide. He now understood why people with voices in their heads did it. Girl, I swear, if you don't change the subject, I'm sticking all our Kibaku Fuda on our head!
Aww! Sakura 'pouted'.
Anyway, I have a bigger problem.
Oh? Sakura asked, wishing she could raise her eyebrow. He had said 'I'. Usually, he said 'we'.
There are twelve more people I have to deal with. I managed to deal with Ino, I managed to deal with Hinata, but dealing with twelve people, even if two of them are mentally disabled, is just asking for trouble.
Sakura giggled at his description of Green Beast junior and senior. What's the big deal? I really don't get why we're keeping this secret. Naruto and Sasuke are taking it pretty well. Sometimes, they even seem to forget about it.
They're different, he answered. They've had secrets of they're own. They understand the protective nature of some secrets. And these people, with the possible but very doubtful exception of Ino, are not sentimental about you, so if they found out about me, they might get it in their heads that I'm an enemy nin in disguise and try to kill us. Besides, Kakashi implicitly told us to keep this secret, and I will. I suspect he's still trying to find a way to explain the situation.
Or he's leaving that up to us, Sakura said. The reference to Naruto and Sasuke's secrets went right over her head.
Do you want to explain this situation?
Silence.
Didn't think so.
----------------------------------------
Kakashi had his book in front of his face. This was completely normal. There were very few things that could pull him out of it. Missing nin. The latest installment of Jiraiya's series. Akatsuki. The movie version of his precious books. The Kyuubi. You get the idea.
So it was very unusual to find him focused, not on his book, which was held in front of his face but not being read, but on one of his students. Specifically, their team's two-in-one.
Kakashi couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there was something about that kid. No, not Sakura, the other kid. Something about him that appealed to him, in a strange 'we-have-something-in-common' kind of way. He couldn't pick out what it was, just knew it was there.
So when he'd asked- and Kakashi knew it was him, since Sakura would never have had the idea- Kakashi to teach him the Raikiri, he had agreed, even though he had every right- he invented it, after all- and plenty of reasons to tell him to take a hike. Maybe because he found the boy-in-girl's-body's statements amusing. Maybe because he was a refreshing change from the usual nuts. It was hard to say. All he knew was he was finding himself liking the guy.
Kakashi wasn't completely soft in the head, however. He had only taught her- him?- how to gather the chakra into the limb, none of the other subtleties and not-so-subtleties of how to make a true Chidori. Still, what Kurt knew was enough to be crudely effective. The many shattered rocks where they had trained were proof of that.
He also knew that, although he had never made a formal commitment regarding that matter, Kakashi was trying to think of a way to send him back. It's hard not to pity a guy in his situation, even if it is easy to be envious. How many guys just wake up and find themselves in a girl's body?
Unbeknownst to Kakashi, a nosebleed sprang under his mask.
----------------------------------------
There were very few things Sasuke constantly thought about. His family's massacre. Itachi. Killing Itachi. Vicious circle, ad infinitum. Everything else he thought related to these. Training. Living. Eating, breathing, sleeping.
So it was a bit of a surprise for him when he found himself brooding, er, thinking, about something else besides his vicious circle ad infinitum. He didn't like dealing with the world beyond training in it to make himself strong enough to kill his dear brother. As such, he had a very narrow view of the world in general and people in particular. He liked to lump them by groups into mental boxes with one to three word descriptions. For example, most of Konoha's teenaged girls fell into the 'annoying fan girls' box. Naruto went into 'annoying idiots'. Most of the outside world fell into 'annoying distractions'. Itachi fell into 'reason for living'. You get the idea. He liked his tidy, compartmentalized view. So when something comes along to mess up his boxes, it's either 'leave the mess alone but not know where everything was', or 'think about something other than vicious circle ad infinitum to be able to resort boxes'. Still, that didn't mean he liked the resorting, just that he liked his thoughts convenient again. So, when his boxes get messed up, he still found himself surprised when he found himself thinking how to reorder them.
His boxes were seriously messed up.
He resisted the urge to turn around and look at the latest person to mess up his compartmentalized classifications. He knew exactly what she was doing. Walking, looking around, occasionally getting a blank look, sometimes shaking her head, moving her lips, or making some other similar gesture. Technically, he shouldn't be thinking she, since it was a guy, but debating the pronouns, or whatever they were, regarding gender to use in this situation wasn't something he really wanted to do, so he stuck with she.
When he had decided to use she, he had immediately tried to lump him in one of his boxes with the word 'girl' in it. Problem was, she didn't fit in 'annoying fan girl', and upon further inspection, he couldn't seem to have any other 'girl' boxes. He had been forced to make up a completely new box, this one simply labeled 'guy in girl's body'. After a while, however, he found this simple description lacking. Being a guy in a girl's body didn't have any specific traits attached to it in Sasuke's mind, who, despite being a perfectly functional male, thought very little about the things perfectly functional males usually thought of, so he didn't automatically think the situation was perverted. Or brand the guy a pervert because of his situation.
So Sasuke started trying to gather traits to attach to the box. But he more traits he attached to the box, the more traits he found to attach. He had stumbled upon another vicious circle ad infinitum. He also found the flaw in the idea of putting a single person in a box. When putting groups in a box, he only had to attach the traits in common to the group. A single person, however, had more traits than the traits in common of a group.
Sasuke quickly found himself overwhelmed.
Still, he was too stubborn to admit he couldn't classify someone, so he decided on a course of action to remedy the situation. It was unlike him, it was out of character, and he was sure he would find it completely unpleasant, but it was the only way he could think of to maintain his sanity.
He resolved to get to know Kurt.
----------------------------------------
Naruto was bored and getting hungry. Idly, he wondered how long it was before they stopped for dinner. That was the most profound thought he had all day.
----------------------------------------
It was a little bit after sunset before they stopped. Luckily- or maybe not; the jounin seemed to know the road they were traveling- they stopped at a little roadside inn practically identical to the one they had stayed in during their last mission. So identical, in fact, that Kurt asked Kakashi about it.
"Oh, it's part of a franchise," the jounin said, not looking up from his book.
"Hmm. That explains it," the two-in-one said.
Naruto looked confused. "What's a franchise?"
Kurt ended up trying to explain the concept of a franchise to the rather clueless boy through most of dinner, thankfully giving him an excuse not to talk to anyone else. Sasuke looked faintly annoyed at this for some reason, although that could just be because Ino was trying to graft herself to his arm again and trying to feed him when he was perfectly capable of feeding himself.
You sure know a lot about that, Sakura said as Kurt took a break to eat.
Learned it from my dad, the boy said, consuming food at a rate to equal Naruto and Chouji, and causing looks to be directed at them.
"Quick being such a pig, fore-head girl!" Ino said, looking around Sasuke as she threw her insult.
If you please? Sakura asked.
My pleasure, Kurt said.
"How's the anorexia coming along? That nose job didn't cost too much, did it?" they retaliated.
There were various choking noises around the table as Ino directed a look that should have killed them their way.
SCORE! Sakura yelled as the Yamanaka girl sputtered.
Kurt just chuckled and went back to trying to explain franchises to Naruto.
Neither of the two residents of the pink-haired body noticed the speculative looks being cast their way.
----------------------------------------
Ahhh… the two chorused as they lay back in the hot springs at the back of the inn.
I could get to like this… Kurt said, leaning their head back a bit further against the rocks and letting them sink down into the water a little.
I know I do… Sakura said.
Finding the rock a little uncomfortable, Kurt groped for the their towel, folded it and placed it under their head. That better?
Yup…They both leaned back, one literally, the other figuratively, letting the stress soak out of their system.
You think we'll be able to last on a weeklong mission? Kurt asked suddenly.
Oh, sure. I've been through worse and longer.
Does this look like it's going to become one of them?
Too soon to tell.
Oh, man…
Will you relax! There's nothing to-
Don't say it, you'll jinx it! Kurt interrupted.
-worry about, Sakura finished.
We're doomed.
As if on cue, the door to slid open.
Kurt froze for all of two seconds, before hastily averting their eyes and staring at a corner of the ceiling, trying to look lost in thought.
A nano-second later, Ino stepped in, followed immediately by Tenten, Hinata, and, ushering the Hyuuga inside, Kurenai.
See what you did, Kurt nearly growled.
Coincidence, Sakura sniffed primly.
Privately, where Sakura wouldn't hear him, Kurt thought, I am in so much trouble...
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Women's Intuition. That indefinable, unidentifiable ability women have to 'know' things. The one that tends to drive men up the wall, mainly because of its decent rate of success, which leads to much 'I told you so'-ing.
It's a pain to men, especially since when men have it (these are called hunches), they are disregarded or their hunches are branded as coincidences or lucky guesses.
But back to the story.
Ino's Women's Intuition told her something was off about her-on-again-off-again-rival-slash-friend. She had expressed her thoughts to Tenten, who had agreed something seemed a little off. Hinata, who had overheard them, had shyly volunteered the information that she had also thought Sakura had been acting strangely when they had met a few days ago. Their- or at least, Ino's and Tenten's- suspicions aroused, they had decided to talk about it with Kurenai, reasoning that the guys wouldn't understand.
Fuel had been added to the fire of their suspicions when Sakura started explaining franchises to Naruto over dinner. Really, where had that come from? The new kinds of insults she had hurled at Ino were also suspicious, not to mention making the blond more determined to get to the bottom of things.
So after dinner, they had sought out Kurenai, who had listened to them and, while not believing them completely, agreed to help them get to the bottom of whatever it was. After all, women had to stick together.
Finding out that Sakura was in the baths was child splay. They had decided to start there, since the guys wouldn't be able to get in the way and make things hard. So there they were.
"Hey, Sakura!" Ino greeted as she got into the water. Tenten, Hinata and Kurenai followed suit.
"Hmm?" Sakura said, blinking as she seemed to come out of her reverie. She turned her head slightly. "Oh, hey Ino, minna. Sorry, I was thinking."
With that, she lapsed back into silence, staring at the ceiling.
The girls exchanged looks.
'See?' Ino's look said to Kurenai, who nodded thoughtfully. She knew of Sakura, if nothing else, and this kind of behavior didn't sound like the girl.
Tenten raised an eyebrow, in a 'what do we do?' gesture. Kurenai looked at Hinata, her own eyebrow raised. The girl reluctantly nodded, before taking a deep breath.
"S-Sakura-san," the Hyuuga began, "would you like to join us here?"
Sakura turned her head again, looking at them out of the corner of her eye. Her gaze seemed to focus on Ino. "Truce?"
The blonde girl smiled. "Truce," she agreed, gesturing to the spot next to her.
Shrugging, the cherry-blonde girl grabbed her towel from under her head and drifted towards them, only her head visible above the water. Settling down in the proffered space next to Ino, she placed to the towel under her head and leaned back, eyes on the ceiling.
For a moment, there was an uncomfortable silence. Hinata started twiddling her fingers.
"So," Ino said, then stopped, nothing else readily coming to mind.
"So," Sakura agreed, not seeming to be able to come up with anything herself.
"Mission seems to be going well," Tenten said , undoing the buns on her hair, casually palming the wires she had hidden there.
"No one's attacked us yet, anyway," Sakura said, making seals underwater.
Kurenai noticed. "What are you doing?" she asked, as Sakura made numerous seals in quick succession, although not for any jutsu she recognized.
Shrug. "Just keeping my fingers limber."
Ino, however, her patience running out, said what she'd been wanting to since that morning. "Alright, who are you and what have you done to the real Sakura?" she said, grabbing a kunai from under her discarded towel.
The others sighed.
Not quite how I'd do it... Kurenai thought.
Oh, brother... Tenten thought.
This is so embarrassing... Hinata thought.
Sakura, however, froze.
----------------------------------------
Oh, FRICK! was Kurt's immediate thought as Ino held out her kunai.
What the heck does she think she's doing? Sakura said.
We have to get out of here.
Agreed. How?
Kurt paused, and for some inexplicable reason, something he had watched in the Naruto anime popped into his mind.
I have an idea. It's weird, it's slightly perverted, definitely Naruto-esque, but it just might work.
Whatever it is, DO IT AND GET US OUT OF HERE!
Nodding internally, Kurt performed the necessary seals, making a note to himself to apologize to Naruto for plagiarizing one of his original jutsus.
Okay, a Henge mixed with Kage Bunshin…
----------------------------------------
In the men's bath next door, Kakashi closed his eyes, relaxing as he ignored Gai's ramblings of how 'the hot water was increasing the power of youth!' or some such silliness. The sounds of Kiba and Naruto cussing each other out made a strangely appropriate counterpoint, although the scarecrow was fairly sure that they'd all end up with a headache if the three didn't stop talking. Next to him, Asuma followed his example, his mouth for once cigarette-free.
Shikamaru was watching the steam as it swirled around the room, making a good substitute for his beloved clouds. Next to him, Chouji was consuming yet another bag of chips, his long expertise at eating making him capable of doing this without getting any food in the water. Shino had declined to join them, muttering something about submersion not being good for his bugs.
On opposite sides of the room, Sasuke and Neji fixed each other with blank, level stares, daring the other to blink first or, heaven forbid, look away. The Uchiha didn't intend to lose to the Hyuuga, and the Hyuuga had no intention of backing down from the Uchiha. Case closed.
As Kakashi entertained the possibility that the two geniuses would be at it all night, he felt a surge of chakra in the women's bath next door, followed by a commotion. Suddenly, there was a cry.
"SASUKE HAREM NO JUTSU!"
This was promptly followed be shrieks of embarrassment and outrage, accompanied to a lot of splashing of water. Curious, Gai, Naruto and Kiba shut up, listening intently as the two doujutsu carriers broke off from staring at each other. Sasuke in particular was curious to know what that had been about. He was sure he had heard his name.
There were sounds of a commotion in the next room, followed by two chakra surges and two cries in rapid succession.
"NEJI HAREM NO JUTSU! KAKASHI HAREM NO JUTSU!"
More shrieks, primarily of embarrassment, followed by what sounded like someone slamming open a door.
The guys all looked at each other and shrugged.
Suddenly, the door to the men's bath opened. Sakura stood there, wearing a robe, her utility belt slung over her shoulder like a bandolier, her forehead-protector over her eyes like a blindfold. "Uh, Kakashi-sensei, Sasuke-sempai, Naruto-sempai, I could really use some help here."
Behind her, there was a clatter as something wooden fell on the floor. With a scream of "OH, FRICK!", Sakura turned tail and ran, pulling her hitai-ate off of her eyes.
A heartbeat later, a barely robed Kurenai chased after her, although three naked Kakashi's tried to hold her back. One got in the way of her kunai, and exploded in a puff of smoke. They passed the door, followed by Ino, who had five naked Sasuke's trying to block her way. The blonde kunoichi was beet red as the Sasukes smiled seductively at her, but she managed to push her way through, the kunai in her hand shaking as she did so. Ino was replaced by Tenten, who was being hounded by two naked Nejis. She was redder than Ino, and kept waving her kunai at them. As they passed, the sounds of a chase began to reverberate through the building.
"Oh-kay…" Asuma drawled, breaking the spell. "What was that?"
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It took a while to get the kunoichi's to settle down.
A maid found Hinata in the women's bath, completely red and near-catatonic. She kept muttering 'So big…' under her breath as if in a trance.
The others were harder to deal with. Ino, Kurenai and Tenten seemed dead set on doing something horrible to Kurt-slash-Sakura, and weren't about to let anyone get in their way. In the end, the guys had to physically subdue them, which was difficult, since the girls were wearing only robes, and not too securely at that. Kakashi ended up using a mild genjutsu on them.
Later found all of them gathered in the dining room they had eaten in earlier. Almost all of them were wearing only robes. The only exception was Shino, who was dressed for bed, yet still wearing his omni-present shades. Go figure.
The room was basically divided in half. On one side cowered the two-in-one, a kunai held shakily in each hand, trying to keep an eye on all the other women at once. On the other side stood the other women. Ino was visibly seething, the kunai she held shaking from her rage. Tenten looked slightly less PO-ed, but PO-ed none-the-less. She was tapping her kunai against the palm of her hand, and looked like she was wondering where she would make the first cut. Kurenai looked under better control, but one look in her eyes would tell you she was livid. Hinata was the only one who didn't look like she was trying to find a way cause someone pain, although she kept turning cherry-red whenever her eyes fell on Kakashi, Neji or Sasuke, and she risked going near catatonic again.
Between the two groups stood the guys. Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke stood directly in front of their other teammate(s), the other guys standing to either side, in a gesture of men standing together. Kurt knew that they were literally the only things standing between them and certain doom.
WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING? Sakura raged, and Kurt barely kept them from wincing.
Sorry! It seemed like a good idea at the time, the boy defended himself.
A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME?
Well, what do you expect from an idea I got from watching an anime about Naruto?
UUUUGGGHHHHH!
"Alright," Kakashi said, somehow sounding bored an interested at the same time. "What happened?"
He directed this question towards Kurt, who smiled sickly. "Uh, Ino drew a kunai on me, and I felt compelled to defend myself?"
Asuma looked sternly at his student. "Explain yourself, Ino."
Ino seemed to force herself to stop seething. "I... thought-Sakura-had-been-acting-weird-so-I-confronted-her-and-asked-who-she-was-and-what-had-she-done-to-the-real-Sakura," she said in a rush.
Everyone blinked.
Gai laughed. "Ah, the imagination of the youth! Ino, why would you think of something as crazy as that?"
As nearly everyone gave the spandex-clad man ironic looks, wondering what right he had to use the word crazy, the Team Seven guys exchanged looks, looking over their shoulder at the pink-haired kunoichi, who shrugged. Anyone else watching would have thought the shrug said, 'I have no idea what she's talking about'. In this instance, however, the shrug meant, 'I did not do anything to clue her in'.
"Actually," Kakashi said, seemingly choosing to ignore the look Kurt was directing at the back of his head, "that's not too far off."
Everyone blinked again.
"Aha!" Ino yelled, pointing her kunai at Sakura, who was visible between Sasuke and Kakashi. "I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE AN IMPOSTER!"
Kurt sighed. "Is this really necessary, Kakashi-sensei?"
"Unless you want to be drawn and quartered, Kurt-chan," the scarecrow answered.
Kurt winced as the other teams exchanged looks. "Could you please not call me that, sensei? It's disturbing."
Kakashi's mouth twisted under his mask, and Kurt winced again, this time internally, knowing the jounin who liked to tease had just filed the info for future use. The scarecrow turned to Ino.
"Really, Ino, did you think I'd just leave an imposter running around?" Kakashi said. "Kurt-chan is no more an imposter than I am."
"Kurt-chan?" Kurenai repeated.
Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke looked at Kurt-slash-Sakura. Sakura could have sworn Sasuke actually looked amused. Kurt sighed, shuffled pouted, and finally, whined.
"Do I have to?"
The team seven guys just looked at them. Yup, Sakura concluded, Sasuke was definitely amused.
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After a long, boring, much-punctuated-by-exclamation explanation on Kurt's part, with Sakura throwing in the occasional reminder, most of the 'where', 'when', 'who', and 'what' of Kurt and Sakura's situation was more-or-less explained. Kurt was glad no one asked why he had been banished by The Book. Wouldn't that be embarrassing.
The some of the reactions to the situation were very interesting, to say the least.
"Let me get this straight," Ino said, looking intently at the two-in-one. "You're telling us that you're a guy, trapped in Sakura's body, from another universe, with currently no idea how to get home and hoping you'll find a way, and that you're straight?"
"Yes!" Kurt said exasperated having repeated his answer twenty-nine times already.
Ino looked thoughtful for all of two seconds before pouncing on Sasuke. "SASUKE-KUN!" she squealed, glomping on to his arm an looking like she wanted to surgically attach herself. If you were looking for it, you would see a light of panic in his dark eyes for all of half a second before it was covered up by his 'I have Ino attached to my arm. UGH!' look, which was a variation of his 'I have a fan girl attached o my arm. Ugh.' look he had developed specifically for Ino.
Kurt rolled her eyes, muttering about one-track minds, before tilting his head to one side as if listening. "Uh, Ino-san, Sakura-chan would to pass on a message."
"Hmm?" the blonde said, too busy trying to graft on to Sasuke's skin.
"She says, and I quote," Kurt took a deep breath, and said, in a flat, deadpan voice, "'Ino-pig! Get your hands off my Sasuke-koi!'" Pause. "Oh, wait, she has edits. It's supposed to be 'Ino-pig, get your hands off Sasuke-kun!'"
Kurt blinked innocently at the wry looks, ignoring the enraged "I WILL KILL YOU!" from Sakura. "What? That's what she said."
Kiba, Chouji, Neji, Shikamaru and Shino were pretty non-committal about it. Lee was clenching his fist and loudly proclaiming he would find a way to send Kurt home and free Sakura, accompanied by Gai's exclamations about 'youth', 'power', 'explosion', and whatnot. Kurt found himself vaguely wondering if what he had used on the girls would make them shut up.
As if reading his mind, Kakashi said, "By the way, Kurt-chan, what was that you used a while ago? I thought I heard my name, but I couldn't be sure."
At this, Kurenai, Ino and Tenten glared at Kurt, Hinata became so red she looked like a cherry and Kurt broke into a Naruto-esque grin, which looked very disturbing on Sakura's face.
"It was something Naruto-sempai inspired," Kurt said. "Which reminds me. Naruto-sempai, I'm sorry, but I happened to plagiarize one of your original jutsus."
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Which one?"
Kurt's smile became sheepish. "Remember that jutsu you used on Ebisu when the first one you used didn't work?"
As the guys exchanged looks, wondering what jutsu Naruto could have possibly invented, and the three non-stammering kunoichi directed a little of their glare at Naruto, the blond boy thought. Okay, if he remembered right, after his Oiroke no jutsu had failed, he had used...
His eyes widened. "No way...!"
He turned a disbelieving stare at the two-in-one. "You used Harem no jutsu on the girls?"
Everyone else stared at Kurt. The Green Beast and Beast clone had both been rendered mute. Everyone knew what the Harem no jutsu was, what it did. Ebisu had gotten drunk once, and in his inebriated state had revealed Naruto's latest creation. ANBU sometimes boasted (when drunk, of course) how they had fallen victim to it, describing in detail Naruto's very large and outright impossible statistics. In the Academy, it was whispered about in awe and no little perversion. Same among the genin, chuunin and jounin. Not even Sasuke had had the guts to ask Naruto about it. There had been talk about having it declared kinjutsu
Kurt winced. "Not the Harem no jutsu per se. Just the basic concept. The rest is all mine."
"Show me," Naruto said. Everyone sweatdropped.
"Uh, Naruto..." Asuma began, but the blond ignored him.
Shrugging, Kurt unwrapped their hitai-ate and wrapped it around their eyes like a blindfold. "I suggest you don't look, Hinata-san," Kurt said as he made the seals. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
As Hinata 'eeped', covering her eyes with her hands, the clones made their own seals. "SASUKE HAREM NO JUTSU!"
Sasuke barely had time to blink and think what the hey? before the clones transformed.
Everyone but Kurt-slash-Sakura and Hinata was gagging, backing away while making warding symbols, staring bug-eyed with slack jaws, and generally expressing feelings of 'EEEEEWWWWW!' before the smoke cleared. Standing before them was, for lack of a better word, a harem of naked Sasuke's, the quickly dissipating smoke their only cover. Each was wearing a half-lidded, smoldering gaze that just screamed some kind of promise.
Ino went very red, her grip on Sasuke loosening as she gazed at a spot about two-and-a-half to three feet off the ground. "So big..." she muttered, licking her lips absently as blood trickled down her nose.
Tenten wiped the drool from her face with the sleeve of her robe, trying to pull herself together. Get a grip, she thought, it's only a naked clone of Sasuke. It's not like it's Nej- oh boy.
Kurenai tried her hardest (dang, bad choice of words!) to ignore what was in front of her, her cheeks as red as her eyes. She was a grown woman, darn it! It wasn't like she hadn't seen this sort of stuff before! Still, that Uchiha kid was pretty well-built...
STUPID NARUTO! was the general consensus of the guys as they tried to keep their individual cool, either by looking directly at the Sasuke's, trying to act nonchalant, or looking at anything but. Naruto was really wishing he didn't have such a big mouth.
Strangely, it was Sasuke who broke the mood. "I am not built like that," he growled, taking the opportunity to pry his arm away from Ino.
Everyone blinked, turning to look at him save Hinata and the two-in-one. Sasuke mentally kicked himself, knowing what was coming next.
"So it's not really a salami, just a hotdog?" Kakashi said, having taken refuge behind 'Icha Icha Paradise', where there wasn't a naked Sasuke in sight, just straight guys, loose women and lesbians.
Sasuke was saved from replying when Kurt waved his Sasuke clones away, who all disappeared in their own puffs of smoke. "I also used a Neji harem and a Kakashi harem."
The two gave him offended looks. "What did we ever do to you?" Kakashi said in a pseudo-hurt voice.
Shrug. "I wasn't sure if Tenten-san and Kurenai-sensei were Sasuke fans, so I made a few backups."
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Kurt yawned, stretching one arm as the other carried the rest of their gear. After the talk, he'd had to go back to the bath anteroom to pick up the rest of their gear, not to mention their clothes. Now, he was on his way to the room he was supposed to sleep in. For once, he didn't care about sleeping on a futon. Inside, Sakura was already nodding off, waiting only for his unconsciousness to finish the job. She was still a little peeved at him for the Harem no jutsu thing, but he knew it would pass. When you truly were inseparable, it wasn't a good idea to nurse a grudge.
Outside the room, Kurt almost tripped on something on the floor. Looking down, he blinked. "Hey, what gives?"
Grabbing the door, he started to pull it open. "Hey, why's our stuff out- "
The rest of the sentence was lost as a pillow slammed directly into their face, amid squeals and exclamations. Kurt felt someone pulling the door shut, nearly getting their fingers squashed in the process. Scowling, the boy-in-girl rolled his eyes, pulled their hitai-ate out of their pocket and tied it around their eyes like a blindfold. Opening the door, he ignored the second pillow to the face.
"Would someone please explain to us why our stuff is outside?" he asked the room in general. In their shared brain space, Sakura grumbled indistinctly, too sleepy to make up something coherent.
"We're throwing you out, pervert!" a voice to his left said, and Kurt turned towards the chakra presence he felt in that general direction. Ino, of course.
"Huh?"
"We're throwing you out!" Ino repeated. "Who knows what kind of disgusting things you'll do to us in our sleep!"
Kurt blinked behind the makeshift blindfold. "Where are we supposed to sleep, pray tell?"
"Your problem," Tenten's voice said, and Kurt felt someone push them in the chest. Loosing their balance, they stumbled back, tripping over their assorted stuff and hitting their head against the wall. Inside, Sakura let loose a stream of swearwords directed at the kunoichi in the next room that would have turned the air blue and melt steel with their acidity. Growling, Kurt rubbed their head as the door closed a second time, nearly catching their toe. Pulling off the forehead protector, he muttered deprecations against women in general, and Ino and Tenten in particular, as he gathered their things off the floor and tried to organize into something manageable. Fingering one of the pouches of their utility belt, Kurt seriously considered slapping a Kibaku Fuda on the door as an unpleasant surprise for those inside, which Sakura enthusiastically endorsed.
Ultimately deciding against it- Hinata might get hurt, and she was likely to be innocent- Kurt slung the items over their shoulders as best as possible, and headed for where the guys were supposed to be sleeping.
----------------------------------------
The guys were just getting ready to sleep, with Naruto and Kiba indulging in a pre-slumber cuss-off, when the door opened and Kurt-slash-Sakura walked in, heavily loaded and looking pissed. Grumbling under her breath, the dual-mind kunoichi dumped their stuff onto a clear space and started setting up a futon.
"Uh, Sakura-chan, what are you doing?" Lee asked, blinking from where he was already lying down and getting ready to sleep.
"The name's KURT!" Kurt snapped off, continuing to set up the futon, albeit with a bit more force then necessary. "What does it look like I'm doing?"
Neji's eyes narrowed. "You can't stay here," he said imperiously, every inch the arrogant Hyuuga, even if he was Branch House. "This room is for males only."
"I am aware of that," Kurt said, biting off the words.
"So what are you doing here?"
For a moment, Kurt continued to seethe, but everyone felt the raw chakra building up. Finally, it exploded. "THOSE FRICKIN FEMALES KICKED US OUT!" Kurt nearly growled, a noticeable glow surrounding her as her hands shook, the futon rippling slightly under her fingers from the force of her chakra. "Apparently, they're concerned I'll do 'disgusting things' to them while they're asleep! HA! As if!"
"You can't sleep here!" Gai exclaimed, for once not rendering his words into a speech. "It would be highly inappropriate for a young lady to sleep in the same room with several unmarried me-"
"I'M A GUY TOO, REMEMBER? THAT'S WHY THEY KICKED ME OUT! Besides, it's not like you guys are going to be prancing around naked."
"Still," Asuma said, reaching for a cigarette, "it's still highly inappropriate."
Kurt rolled her eyes. "If you guys try anything, then I will be very surprised. If you do, I have enough bombs and exploding tags here to send us all to the moon."
Ignoring the two jounins sputters, the kunoichi lay down on her futon, pulling the blanket over her head.
"Oh, give it up, you two," Kakashi said, having followed the entire conversation as he lay on his own futon, reading his book. "Don't you trust your students to conduct themselves like gentlemen?"
"Of course we do!" the other two jounin chorused, looking affronted at the suggestion.
"Kiba, Shino, you're not going to take advantage of Kurt-chan while she's sleeping, are you?" the copy nin asked the two whose jounin was absent.
Shino shook has head, lying down on his own futon, as Kiba turned red and started babbling things in the negative over an exclaimed "Don't call me Kurt-chan!".
"Naruto, Sasuke?"
"Anyone who tries looses something valuable!" the blond said, with his usual amount of pomp but still full of conviction and promise. Sasuke merely snorted, but nodded with his teammate.
"I appreciate the sentiment," came from under Kurt's blanket.
"Well then," Kakashi said cheerfully, "I guess we have nothing to worry about."
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Hours later, a little after midnight but still well before dawn, Sasuke was having trouble sleeping. Some time during the night, Naruto, Gai, Lee and, surprisingly, Shino's snoring had jerked him awake. Who would have thought such a quiet guy could be so loud?
Lying back, the last Uchiha tried valiantly to sleep. Sadly, for all the Uchiha Clan's vaunted power, going to sleep on command wasn't one of them. In desperation, Sasuke pulled his pillow over his head, trying to drown out the sounds. He was used to Naruto's snoring, but all four of them sounded like 'The Second Coming of the Kyuubi', for crying out loud! Privately, he wondered how Neji and Kiba could sleep with the racket. The two taijutsu specialists sounded like faulty trains, and the insect user was actually making more noise than the other three. One could only wonder how Shikamaru, Chouji and Asuma were staying unconscious.
Giving up trying to go back to sleep as a lost cause, Sasuke sat up, rubbing the sleep gunk out of his eyes. This wasn't working. Getting up, he thought vaguely of getting a glass of water and getting away from the noise for a moment. Scanning the room, he noted that Kakashi had stuck earplugs into his ears. That probably explained why the scarecrow was still sleeping like a log. Sasuke shook his head. The guy was still wearing his mask!
As he made his way towards the door, Sasuke noticed that Kurt's futon was empty, the blankets thrown back. Frowning slightly, he wondered where the kunoichi had gone off too.
Passing the room where the other girls were sleeping, Sasuke was mildly surprised to hear a sound similar in volume to what Shino was producing, albeit higher pitched and slightly nasal. He recognized it somehow as Ino. That explained Shikamaru and Chouji's resilience to sonic attack. Idly, he wondered if Ino had ever heard herself snore.
Going into the kitchen for a glass of water, Sasuke was about to head back for the guys room- although he had no idea why he would, as he would just be exposing his ears to torture- when he heard a scratching sound. Curious, he followed it.
Passing a night clerk, he was sleeping in the front desk, he stepped out of the inn. A cool breeze blew in his face as he exited, feeling very nice after the nearly stifling air inside the inn. Sitting on a rock on the side of the road, Kurt was crouched over something, occasionally tilting it towards the moonlight to get a better look. She wore a slightly oversized shirt, rippling slightly in the breeze, her legs stretched out in front of her. A kunai holster lay next to her, the handle of one knife already sticking out, ready to use.
Abruptly, she looked up, one hand darting towards the kunai but stopping halfway as her eyes focused on Sasuke. "Oh, hey Sasuke-sempai. What are you doing up?"
Sasuke blinked in surprise, thankful that the darkness obscured his features. He had found himself staring at her nearly-bare legs. Wouldn't that be hard to explain. "Couldn't sleep. Dobe and company were making too much of a racket."
Kurt smirked. "I hear ya. Talk about loud."
Sasuke's mouth twitched, and a chuckle somehow escaped his lips.
Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Uchiha Sasuke, actually laughing? Someone call the news."
Sasuke directed a glare her way, but his heart wasn't in it. She just smirked at him and bent back down over whatever it was on her lap.
"What are you doing?" he asked, coming closer.
Looking up, she showed it to him. It was a sketchpad with a half-finished drawing. Next to it was the team picture of Team Seven Kakashi had had taken. It was a bit dim in the moonlight, and the details were a bit washed out, but easily recognizable. It was obvious what Kurt had been doing.
"I didn't know you drew," Sasuke said, handing the papers back.
"Not very well," Kurt said, taking them and wiping a few eraser shavings off the sheet. "I'll probably erase about half this stuff in the morning."
"Hmm."
"And we're back to square one," Kurt muttered. "You know Sasuke-sempai, I never thought I'd meet anyone who talked less than I did."
Sasuke gave him a sideways glance. "Call me Sasuke," he said.
Kurt blinked a bit in confusion. Then realization struck as she recognized what Sasuke was offering. "If you say so…Sasuke."
"Good," the Uchiha said. "Being called sempai is a bit disturbing."
"If you say so Sasuke," she repeated. "Please, call me Kurt."
Sasuke nodded. "Alright… Kurt."
For a moment, both sat in silence, not knowing what to say, neither having been in too many situations where they actually made small talk.
"Why are you out here, anyway?" Sasuke asked.
Kurt smirked. "It's quiet," she said, causing the other to snort in amusement.
"Granted," Sasuke said, a half-smile twisting his mouth.
"Besides," Kurt continued, "all that snoring might have woken up Saky, and at least one of us should get some rest."
Sasuke wondered about that. He never really thought about it, how Kurt and Sakura got along. He just assumed they did. Another thing he should know about, and the situation gave him the perfect opportunity to do so.
Just as he opened his mouth to ask, however, Kurt abruptly stood up. "We should try to get back to sleep. Big day tomorrow and all that."
Sasuke blinked. "Yeah," he said. "I guess we should."
She looked at the glass of water still in his hand. "Aren't you going to drink that?"
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The following day, Ino and Tenten stayed as far away from Kurt-slash-Sakura as possible, shooting disapproving glances their way. They didn't bother keeping their voice down, however. Kurt ignored them. Having been a bit eccentric in his own home world, he had a fairly thick skin. Sakura growled, throwing back curses that would have tuned the air blue, melt steel like acid and make Orochimaru blush. Kurt ignored her too. Though he more-or-less agreed with what she was saying, some of the things she suggested doing to them were awfully cruel, unusual, and very tempting to do.
Trying to keep from dwelling and perhaps following through with Sakura's suggestions, Kurt joined Kiba, Lee, Naruto and Sasuke at point. Although the Uchiha was as monosyllabic as usual, Naruto and the other two were more welcoming. They asked him what it was like being a girl, although Lee would sometimes interrupt to ask if Sakura was really alright. When Kiba started getting lewd, however, Kurt, much to Sakura's amusement, gave him a blow-by-blow, highly detailed, very vivid, and really disgusting description of what it was like to have a period, of which Kurt had already had two, given the length of time he had been in Sakura. Sasuke had mercifully rescued Naruto and Lee, moving them slightly out of hearing range so they didn't receive the full force of the lecture. Nevertheless, what little they heard made them very glad to have been born male. After that, Kiba never said a lewd thing in front of Kurt again.
Neji, Shino, Chouji and Shikamaru really didn't care for the situation, Chouji being too busy eating, and Shikamaru muttering something with the word 'troublesome' in it, although with that guy, that could have been about anything. Hinata looked more-or-less recovered from her run-in with the Harem no jutsu the Second, although she still tended to go red whenever her eyes fell on Sasuke, Neji, Kakashi, and even Naruto. Kakashi didn't help matters, constantly 'asking' her if she was coming down with a sunburn, until Kurenai told him, in no uncertain terms, to leave her student alone or she'd burn his book. Asuma and Gai were both unreadable, as neither had said anything the night before, merely listened. Kurt figured they were probably reserving judgment. Kurenai's head, he didn't even try to get into, being in enough trouble with one female's psyche as it was. He caught her looking at them a couple of times, however, always the same intent stare that, one that made him slightly nervous, even if Sakura told him to 'get over it'.
The next week was rather uneventful, unless you count the incident where Kurt bought an eraser and some pencils (the ones he'd bought along had run out) at a roadside bookstore and won a complete, hardcover, autographed set of Jiraiya's 'Icha Icha' series. Kakashi started acting weird, and had it been anyone else, could almost be said to be jealous. Ino and Tenten began tossing more 'pervert' comments with renewed intensity, and Kurenai directed a stern, disapproving stare at him- well, him and Sakura- especially when he started carrying the books around slung over their shoulder, after Gai tried to 'accidentally lose' them. When the guys- and Sakura- asked him why he didn't just give the books to Kakashi, or better yet, in Sakura's opinion, throw them away, Kurt replied that they were still books, and as such deserved to be treated with respect and reverence. Besides, he wasn't about to lose the only reading materials he had that weren't about ways for ninja to kill people, even if he had no intention of reading them. Indeed, the books were still covered by a layer of plastic wrap, making reading them very difficult.
They didn't sleep at an inn every night. When they did, Ino and Tenten either ignored them completely or made very pointed remarks about perverts, stopping only when Kakashi started giving them the non-Sharingan red-eye. Kurt and Sakura usually replied in kind, with dinner usually ending with the two girls looking about ready to breath steam.
Kurt always slept with the guys, since the girls weren't letting him anywhere near their room. That prove to be a bit difficult, since, when the guys got used to them being there, Kurt had to be careful Sakura didn't see anything that could scar her mind.
When they didn't sleep in an inn, they slept surrounding the wagons, sleeping in shifts. Kurt took the books to bed with them, much to Sakura's disgust. He had a sneaking suspicion Kakashi wanted to get his hands on the books. It was on one such campout that Naruto gave Kurt permission to drop the 'sempai', saying that hearing it coming from Sakura was just plain weird.
So besides the enmity of the two kunoichi, the mission was going just fine. In hindsight, Kurt should have known it wouldn't last...
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It looked to be another uneventful day. At the front, Kurt, Kiba, Lee and Naruto were chatting away. It had been a surprise to Sakura that Kurt could actually stand talking to the three, as much a surprise as it was to Kurt that he was actually enjoying it. Sasuke was off to the side, listening and every now and then making a monosyllabic comment. As they approached a bridge, the four talked about training together sometime, Lee offering to give Kurt a few pointers. The boy-in-kunoichi was agreeable, being the first to admit that his taijutsu wasn't exactly the most dangerous thing in the world.
A weird feeling came over his chakra senses as Kurt walked, making him blink. That's weird... As if by it's own volition, their hand moved towards the kunai holster on their right thigh.
Next to them, Sasuke's eyes had narrowed, sweeping over the foliage on either side. Behind them, way in the back, Kurenai and Asuma were doing the same thing. Gai, looking like a turtle under everyone's luggage, had raised his head, reinforcing that image, a serious expression on his face. Kakashi still had his book raised in front of him, but he wasn't reading it, nor was he staring covetously at the books slung over Kurt-slash-Sakura's shoulder. Instead, his gaze was fixed on the bridge ahead.
Inside, Sakura had gone alert. Do you feel that?
Yeah, Kurt said as they reached the bridge. Something feels... off...
Can you make out what it is?
Give me a sec... he said, their eyes narrowing as he concentrated. Okay, there were the guys next to them, and the other genin, and the wagon drivers, and the jounin way in the back, and...
Kurt's eyes snapped wide open. "Oh, frick..." he hissed.
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They were already about two thirds of the way over the bridge when it happened. Below, the river raged, swollen and flowing fast, obviously fed upstream, probably by heavy rain. The 'k' had barely left their mouth when suddenly, scores off men suddenly appeared from the foliage at both ends of the bridge. They were a motley bunch, but each carried at least three sharp-pointy-stabby-edgy-cutty things on their person, not counting the various knives, daggers and kunai tucked everywhere. Each also wore a black piece of cloth tied somewhere on their body.
The lead wagon had stopped at their appearance, and the genins, to their credit, didn't hesitate, not even Kurt. Well, maybe for a moment.
As the four (physically) boys in front stood their ground, Kurt turned to the driver of the lead wagon. "Would you hold this for a second?" he said, handing the man the 'Icha Icha' books. Drawing a kunai, he and Sakura moved to join the line. Inside, Sakura did the mental equivalent of rolling her eyes. Really, all that care for a bunch of books he was never going to read?
Soon, they were joined by Hinata, Ino, and Tenten. The latter two gave him their usual looks, but he ignored them. Sweat poured out of their hand, making Kurt thankful for the leather grips on the kunai's handle. Their heart pounded, and Kurt grit their teeth nervously. This looked like a very bad situation, the kind he'd always been told not to get into. Looking at all the implements of harm arrayed before them, Kurt suddenly realized in how much danger they were. And him with his pathetic taijutsu. From the sideways looks Sasuke was giving them, the Uchiha realized it too.
We're a liability, Kurt realized, his grip on the kunai tightening. In their shared brain space, Sakura had gone silent, something she'd never done before.
The bandits- for that's what they were- didn't attack, however. Instead, some of them began dragging logs in front of the mouth of the bridge. They were obviously heavy, as it took at least three bandits to lift one.
"What the heck are they doing?" Naruto growled, opening his mouth, most probably to pose the question to the bandits themselves.
"They're blocking the way so the wagons wouldn't be able to leave," Kurt interrupted him, voice calm and oddly distant, as if it were Sakura speaking instead of him. "They couldn't care less about us, as long as we don't get in their way." Looking at all the weapons the bandits were carrying, Kurt knew they were in trouble. "It's the merchandise they want." He wasn't going to be useless, darn it! There had to be something he could do to help!
Water jutsu... Sakura said.
"?" was Kurt's response, his mind slightly too messed up to think of anything coherent .
We know a water jutsu... and we're around a lot of water...
Suiryuudan! Kurt exclaimed. But that takes a lot of hand seals to set up... plus we'd need to be careful not to use up all out chakra...
"Well, they'll have to go through us to get it!" Kiba said as Kurt thought, Akamaru barking in agreement. There had to be a way to buy the time needed for the jutsu...
"Yeah! We'll kick their ass!" Naruto agreed as Kurt tucked their kunai into a holster, opening their utility belt's pouches to look for something. He really should have made labels...
"They will tremble at the explosive power of our youth!" Lee yelled, fist clenched. You could almost see his eyes burning. Where was it...?
Ino rolled her eyes. "Men!" she swore, obviously forgetting Sasuke was in hearing range.
Bingo! "For once, I agree with Ino-san," Kurt said, taking a few gray balls slightly smaller than tennis balls from a pouch.
The blonde glared at him. "Who asked for your opinion, pervert?"
Kurt ignored her. "How good at throwing are you guys?" he asked, handing a ball to each of the boys.
Naruto looked at his ball. "What the heck are these things?"
At that moment, the bandits decided to attack.
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Naruto was still puzzling that when he saw Kurt throw a panicked look at the bandits. "No time! Throw it at them, quick!" she yelled. Her hands started to form seals.
Sasuke didn't bother asking questions. Drawing back his arm, he threw the ball the way they had been instructed to in the Academy. Lee, Naruto, and Kiba' followed suit.
The balls landed in front and among the foremost groups of bandits, exploding instantly and creating large white clouds. The result was instantaneous. The bandits stumbled, coughing and rubbing their eyes, the ones in the back plowing into those in front and encountering the same fate, momentarily halting their charge. Behind them, the genins could here the sounds of metal clashing on metal, indicating that their teachers and teammates behind were fighting.
"Tear gas bombs?" Tenten said, rounding on Kurt. "What good is tha-"
She was cut of by Sasuke's hand on her mouth, who raised a finger to his lips, indicating silence. Kurt had her eyes closed, and sweat was pouring out of her forehead as she moved thru several seals in rapid succession, muttering their names under her breath. Chakra was building up in her, and she was obviously concentrating very hard.
"Get out of her line of sight," Sasuke said, doing so himself and silencing Ino with a glare when she opened her mouth.
The bandits, meanwhile, were recovering, and though many who had been in front were still rubbing their eyes, the gas clouds had dissipated in the morning breeze, allowing those behind to squeeze past those in front. A small but steady stream of bandits began to charge.
Naruto glanced at Kurt, who was still making hand seals. "Uh, is something supposed to be happening?"
Sasuke raised his own kunai. "We keep them off of her. Ino, Hinata, stay with her and keep her safe." A small barely-smirk twitched on the Uchiha's lips. He wasn't sure, but he knew of only one jutsu- to date, that is- that took so many hand seals to pull off, and he had a sneaking suspicion this was it. He led Naruto, Lee and Kiba towards the bandits, determined to keep some distance between the bandits and the currently helpless boy-in-girl. "All of you, be ready to jump away when Kurt stops making seals."
Naruto gave him a look as the first of the bandits approached. "You know something we don't?"
Sasuke charged, deflecting the bandit's sword with his kunai as he kicked his legs out from under him, throwing him into another approaching bandit. "A lot, dobe. None of which would make sense to you."
"HEY!"
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…rabbit, monkey, ox… this was a pretty long jutsu. Kurt tried to keep that thought out of his mind as he and Sakura concentrated on pulling off the seals. The only way they had learned the jutsu in one morning, along with the bastard-version of the Raikiri- yes, they knew it was bastardized, otherwise, how could they pull it off?- was because the two of them were dividing up the work. Right now, Sakura was feeding him the seals, telling him which came in what order-he had a lousy memory for anything longer than his beloved teleportation jutsu- as he tried to form them while at the same time helping him regulate the amount of chakra they were putting in the technique. She really couldn't do anything, since all their chakra was in his control, but she knew what to do, and told him how to do it. Too much chakra, and not only would they be a sitting duck, but they might hit their teammates as well. Too little, and the jutsu would be useless. Kurt also wanted to keep the technique a bit on the weak side, knowing that it could potentially kill anyone it was hit with. Although ninja killed everyday, he was the one in control here, and he had no intention of killing. Sakura didn't either, which was a good thing, since that meant they could work together.
They were reaching the end. Kurt and Sakura ignored the chakra signatures they felt around them, the sounds of steel ringing against steel, the pained moans, grunts and sometimes screams, even the slight burning sensation in their nose from left over tear gas, as they continued shaping the chakra for the technique, both knowing that they needed to get the amount just right. They'd pulled this off before several times during that morning with Kakashi, although those had been bigger than the ones they were attempting to make now, chakra conservation and other factors not being an issue then, with the result that what they had made tended to break apart rocks. Hopefully, they remembered the amounts of chakra they had used and were toning it down to proportion properly. Their hands made the last seal. Raising their hands up to eye-level, only then did they open their eyes.
The scene in front of them was… messy was the only thing Kurt thought, although he and Sakura nearly lost their concentration at the sight before them. Bandits lay strewn everywhere, some bleeding, many bruised, most unconscious. Blood was spattered, if not quite generously, at least enough to make it noticeable. The other genins with Sasuke were putting up quite a fight, Lee arguably being the most effective at dispatching bandits, yet they were still heavily outnumbered. The only reason they weren't being swamped was because some of the bandits on the ground were blocking the others, and the genin were keeping together, trying to keep from being divided, surrounded and overwhelmed. Yet more bandits waited to take their turn, and it was only a matter of time before shear force of numbers did the genins in. Ino and Hinata were standing to either side of them, the normally terminally-shy Hyuuga defending herself surprisingly well, keeping away the bandits who got too close so they can be dealt with by the others.
The two-in-one saw all this in about half a second as they proceeded with the jutsu. "OUT OF THE WAY!" Kurt yelled as water began to rise in streams from out of the river, converging above them and from there winding into a thin stream.
Naruto and Sasuke took one look at it, recognized it for what it was even though they've only seen it once, and jumped out of the way, followed by Kiba and Tenten, and finally Lee, who had taken a second to throw a rather large, Akimichi-proportioned bandit into an approaching group. They all landed behind Kurt, Lee and Naruto taking the liberty of getting rid of the bandits Hinata and Ino had been dealing with.
In spite of the seriousness of the situation, Kurt and Sakura had a small smile twitching on their lips. Granted, Kurt formed it, but Sakura echoed it. Clean line of sight, powerful jutsu, plenty of targets. They were going to enjoy this. "SUITON! SUIRYUUDAN NO JUTSU!"
A body-sized dragon made of water, with glowing yellow eyes, erupted out of the converging streams of water, hitting the nearest grouping of bandits and tossing them into the water with the force of a battering ram. The dragon twisted, opening it's mouth as it charged into the approaching wave of bandits. Many were knocked down as the water hit them, some falling overboard into the water, where they were quickly swept away by the current. Those behind them tripped over them, causing the line to stumble. Kurt, with help from Sakura, increased the chakra flow a tiny bit, using the dragon to forcibly push them back. There were various explosions of smoke, and suddenly, there were a lot less bandits than they started out with.
"Bunshin no jutsu," Sasuke said from behind them. "They only wanted us to think there were a lot of them. Guess that explains why so many of them look the same. Some of them must be Academy dropouts, or even missing-nin."
"And you figured that out all by yourself, Sasuke-kun!" Ino gushed. Kurt resisted the urge to roll their eyes, not knowing if that would affect the jutsu and not eager to find out, snapping Sakura out of growling at Ino.
Way behind them, from the rear of the train, they heard Kakashi's voice cry out "SUITON! SUIRYUUDAN NO JUTSU!" as well, a large amount of chakra emanating from his general location as more streams of water appeared at the back, also forming into a much bigger dragon and blasting away.
"Looks like this is going to be easy after all," Sasuke said. To everyone's surprise, Sasuke smiled, clapping the two-in-one lightly on the shoulder. "Good job."
Inside, Sakura was exulting in true Inner Sakura fashion, taking particular pleasure in the stunned look on Ino's face. Kurt somehow managed to keep hold of the jutsu, yet he was glad as well, if not as deliriously so as his host. He had a decent idea of how hard it was to get any kind of complement from the Uchiha, so you couldn't blame him for being a little pleased.
Then the explosion came.
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In hindsight, Naruto, Lee, Kiba and Sasuke felt they should have noticed it. The former three had been too busy whooping behind the pink-haired kunoichi-and-boy, admiring her jutsu's handiwork, to notice one of the bandits they had knocked out was slowly recovering consciousness. When Sasuke made his congratulations, everyone was too astonished to see the bandit glare at them and take an explosion tag and slap it on to a kunai. It was only blind luck his hand twitched and threw his throw off. Instead of landing in their midst and killing them all, it came short, instead blasting a hole at their feet. The guys were far enough to be able to jump away before they fell through the hole.
The girls never had a chance.
Ino, Tenten and Kurt-Sakura fell through instantly, the latter completely helpless because she was too busy controlling the jutsu. Hinata had slipped, and instinctively reached for the closest person, who happened to be Tenten, and got dragged along with them.
The boys retaliated instantly, of course. Lee quickly rendered the bandit unconscious again with a kick, nearly snapping his neck off. With Kurt gone, the jutsu had dissolved, the dragon reverting back into normal water and splattering everywhere on the bridge.
There was no time to go after the girls. With the water jutsu gone, the bandits were starting to recover, and, though robbed of their psychological advantage, still outnumbered the leaf nin. The boys, however, were pretty PO-ed, and were perfectly willing to beat their faces in. All this, however, took time. By the time every bandit was unconscious on the ground, the girls had already been swept a long way away by the current...
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Kurt gasped, forcing water out of their nose as the current swept them downstream. He was very thankful his parents had insisted he go through that summer of swimming lessons. Even if he had been capable of doing so when they had fallen in, he didn't think they'd be able to use Water Walking with the water moving as fast as it was. It was hard enough staying above the surface of the water, never mind doing anything else, like swimming back to the bridge.
Kurt paddled as hard as their body could, trying to stay afloat. Behind them, the water broke, Hinata breaking the surface. Surprisingly, she seemed to doing alright, treading water lightly. A second later, Tenten also appeared, looking like she was having some trouble keeping afloat herself.
The weapons, Kurt realized. They were wearing at least ten pounds of gear and weaponry. No wonder they were having such a hard time keeping afloat!
Ditch it! Sakura said.
NO WAY! Kurt said, continuing to tread water. We might need this stuff!
We'll drown in this stuff!
No, we won't!
Sakura felt like she was going to retort something else, but a flicker of blonde caught their attention for a moment as a head broke surface, then disappeared back under the water.
Omigosh! Sakura exclaimed. Ino! She can't swim!
She became a ninja, and yet she doesn't know how to swim?
But Kurt was already paddling towards where they had seen the blonde go under. Taking a deep breath, he was just about to go under after her when she popped up again. He lunged towards her, grabbing the back of her outfit and doing his best to keep her out of the water, even as they sank down a few precious centimeters themselves. Ino wasn't helping, flailing around randomly and yelling about how she couldn't swim.
Suddenly, thankfully, Hinata was there, telling Ino to stay calm, her stutter nowhere to be found, telling her how to float, and to quit dragging Kurt under. She did not tell Kurt to put down Ino, which Kurt assumed meant they were doing something right.
They were weakening, however. Even with Sakura's body being in very good physical condition, treading water while wearing at least ten pounds of weights was tiring. Trying to keep from thinking about it, Kurt began to swim towards the river's banks, followed by Hinata, who was still talking to Ino and keeping her calm.
He never knew what hit them...
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- To be continued...
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A/N: So big…
Sorry if the characterizations are off, but my experiences with the non-sevens come from fanfiction. They don't show up often in the local dub of the anime. And if they do, I never seem to be home.
Janken: rock, paper, scissors. In the Philippines, this is where the game 'Jak en poy' gets its name.
Yup, pretty flimsy reason to teach the Raikiri.
For the timeline, put this before the chuunin exams but after any major events. Major as in anything two or more episodes long that's not filler.
(fill in the blank) Harem no Jutsu: Kind of like Naruto's original Harem no Jutsu, except it makes harems of other people. So 'Sasuke Harem no Jutsu' would make a harem of Sasuke's…
You get the idea.
It's very possible that Academy dropouts go to business for themselves. After all, you don't need a wand or anything to perform jutsus, and as Morino Idate proved in Tea Country (-?- weird name), it's not only super-powerful ninjas like Zabuza, Itachi and Orochimaru who go missing nin.
Please review, C&C welcome. Flames will be fed to Gamabunta, or whoever the fire-breathing frog is.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.