Author's Notes: I chose Iruka, Gai, Ebisu, and Jiraiya because these guys have the most distinct personalities of the adult males in Naruto so they're easier to work with, and they're usually voted as most likely to be gay, which I beg to differ, at least for the purposes of this story.

The Kunoichi of Konoha

"Let's go back and start with Shizune and Suzume," suggested Gai as he looked over his notes.

"All right, Shizune. I'd give her a 6 out of 10 for personality. Too shy, we need someone more seductive. 6 for body, nice, but small boobs, and 6 for general looks, plain dress, not sexy," evaluated Jiraiya.

"I like her. I'd give her an 8 for personality and looks. I think being a good caring person is more important," said Iruka. "But you're right about the body," he admitted with a blush.

"True, but a balance of allcharacteristics should be considered. I'd give her a 7 for personality, 6 for looks and body." Ebisu pushed up his glasses thoughtfully, or rather he was finding it harder to think.

Gai looked up from his notes. "The springtime of youth must be nurtured appropriately. A gentle wind and rain are necessary along with the warm sun. I'll give her an 8 for personality, 7 for looks and 6 for body."

"Whatever, next, Suzume." Jiraiya shook his head at Gai's strange speech. Hmm...some of that might actually work in one of my stories.

"An intelligent role model is very important, 8 for personality, 7 for looks and body," Ebisu asserted.

"She's nice too," Iruka said dreamily, "and she looks great with flowers, especially with the white roses I sent her. I'll give her an 8, 7,7, too!"

"What? You sent my girl flowers! I'm going to kunai your ass from here to the Valley of the End!"

"Hey, she's not your girl anymore…she said you couldn't perform…"

"You'd better call Naruto to protect you…"

"Hey you two settle it on your own time or I'll squash both of you and…cut off any apparatus essential for an amorous adventure!" Jiraiya scolded angrily. Damn, why am I suddenly talking like Gai? "She's not much of a looker. Why fight over her? She's at best a 6/6/6."

"I'll have to agree with Jiraiya-sama. She's a chilly choice in my opinion. We need someone with more passion, more spirit, more hot-blooded…" Gai suggested.

"Anko!" Iruka suddenly exclaimed.

"She does have the desired measurements," agreed Ebisu.

"Ample endowment by nature is a wondrous thing," agreed Gai.

"But she's a super bitch," Iruka reconsidered, thinking how condescending she was during the second chuunin exam, "She deserves to be bitch-slapped! Oops, I didn't mean to say that aloud..."

"Yes, she is a super crazy blood thirsty bitch, but she wears fishnet. You can't go wrong with that!" said Jiraiya while drooling slightly.

"Ah fishnet, provides barely sufficient coverage but strangely functional," Gai evaluated. "But passion and spirit should be tempered by kindness. Personality 5, looks 7, body...9!

"I'll second that," Ebisu agreed while pushing up his glasses.

Iruka nodded and hiccupped.

Jiraiya rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well...I'll go along with the looks and body, but she has an interesting forceful personality that some men would find attractive...8 for that..."

"You mean men interested in being tied up and beaten! Have you heard what she did to Ibiki?"asked Ebisu. "He's got more scars in places you don't want to imagine!"

"That does sound interesting..." murmured Iruka who was desperate for any action.

"But she knows snake techniques! Just imagine what she could do with a snake!" Jiraiya was now in full drool mode.

"Perhaps Anko's friend Kurenai is a better choice," Gai suggested.

"Ah, to say both those names in one breath, conjures up all sorts of wonderful lascivious possibilities..." Jiraiya's eyes glazed over.

"I'd like to bitch-slap her too!" exclaimed Iruka thinking of the dirty look she gave him during the nomination meeting for the chuunin exams.

"Maybe we can have two poster girls." Ebisu was now enjoying the idea.

"Two beautiful flowers united in a fond embrace would..." Gai began to say.

"But Anko's boobs are bigger!" drunk Iruka interjected.

"No, Kurenai binds her breasts, but they're just as big," Ebisu accidentally explained.

"How would you know?" asked jealous Jiraiya.

"I…er…saw them at the woman's hot spring baths."

"You're a peeper too! There's hope for you yet!"

"No! I was following Naruto that day and one of my kage bunshins just happened to glance that way."

"Well, if we had to choose one…Kurenai's really hot. She's got great hair, beautiful eyes, good body and she's not as much as a crazed bitch as Anko. Too bad she and Asuma are practically joined at the hip..." sighed Jiraiya, thinking of her hypnotic eyes, and the types of hallucinations she could project.

"Ha, ha, ha wait till she finds out he's gay!" giggled Iruka, then stopped when he recalled how Asuma hit on him.

"What? Asuma's gay?" Jiraiya sputtered sake all over his chest. No way! He's a fine male specimen. He even smokes and looks cool. Not like these guys! These guys may be gay but certainly not cool, muscular Asuma!

"I believe it. She's been hitting on him for years, but he shows no interest." Ebisu nodded and gave his glasses a double push again.

"Hmm, rumors about his exploits have reached my ears..." said Gai thoughtfully. "Too bad, a flower like that should not be allowed to wilt. I must protect and pluck that flower before it succumbs to grief from unrequited love."

"I'll fight you for her!" Iruka stood up unsteadily.

Ebisu easily pushed him back in his seat. "Give it up, pathetic weak chuunin. Even I can beat the shit out of you. You have no chance against him..."

"Break it up guys. No point in fighting over a woman. There're lots of them to go around. Don't forget the Anbu chick, and the dog girl..."

"You should call them by their proper names. I think you mean Uzuki Yuugao and Inuzuka Hana." Ebisu took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He was beginning to see double after one and a half bottles of sake.

"Wait! We did not officially rank the pulchritude of kunoichi Kurenai," Gai pointed out.

"7! 8! 8!" shouted Iruka, slamming his third sake bottle on the desk.

"Sounds good to me," nodded Ebisu.

The other two also nodded. No one wanted to think or evaluate anymore than necessary.

Gai checked his list, "Next Yuugao, the Anbu girl."

"If she poses with an Anbu animal mask wearing animal prints lying on a tiger skin rug…that could really work," Jiraiya's tongue hung out.

"Her boobs aren't big enough!" Poor Iruka was now quite fixated on his favorite female part of the anatomy.

"She does lack the advantageous of the other two, but she's nicer," observed Ebisu.

"She must be if she was willing to be with Hayate..." mumbled Jiraiya

"We shouldn't speak ill of the dead…" Gai protested.

Iruka interjected, "Loser! Dog girl's better!"

"Wait, we must be systematic. 8/8/7?" suggested Gai.

The rest of the men nodded, too drunk to protest.

Gai checked his list. "So what about dog girl, er, I mean Hana?"

Iruka: "Too scary!"

Ebisu: "Too smelly!"

Jiraiya: "Bet she's really hot in bed."

Iruka:"Yes! Like an animal in bed!"

Jiraiya: "I'd screw her, oh hell, I'd screw any one of them, all of them, at once!"

Iruka: "Yes!"

Ebisu: "Absolutely!"

Gai: "Another lovely flower despite the sharp fangs and odd odor. Rating? 7/8/7?"

"Sounds good to me! Add up the numbers," ordered Jiraiya.

"Wait, is there anyone we missed?" asked Gai.

"There's always Hokage-sama herself," Jiraiya suggested.

"Tsunade? She's old," Ebisu noted.

"But she's got super-big boobies!" giggled Iruka.

"That bitch keeps getting me and Aoba mixed up. Really! I am an elite tutor to potential kages and he's nothing!"

"Well, you two do wear glasses. But she is insensitive," Jiraiya agreed.

Iruka: "Total bitch!"

Ebisu: "Alcoholic!"

Gai: "Extremely bad influence on students."

Iruka: "But she's got super big boobies! 5/10/10!"

Jiraiya: "Add up the totals!"

Gai started adding up the numbers, but now he was on the verge of intoxication, though more sober than the others. He was not good at math and was having a hard time. Ebisu and Iruka leaned over to help.

Iruka: "No, no! The easiest way to add is by the partial sums method."

Ebisu: "No, straight normal addition is much better than this crappy new math!"

Jiraiya: "Try the subtraction method instead."

Ebisu: How can you add while subtracting?"

Jiraiya: "How the fuck should I know? I just heard of it, all right?" (He actually learned it from a prostitute who was adding up his rather enormous bill.)

Iruka: "Try multiplying these then adding. That should be easier…"

Finally, after nearly half an hour, the totals were ready and the winner was…

-...-...-...-

Author's Notes: You may do the math or wait for the next post with the results. I did not plan on rating the female genin in this piece, but I'm considering it for an addenum.

I just found out that Ebisu is the God of Commerce and it's ironic that I have him interested in money and prestige.