"I'm sorry that I fell in love with you."
It just keeps repeating in my head, over and over. She shouldn't have to be sorry. I know why she's doing this and it breaks my heart, it flatters me but it breaks my heart. She's trying to make me a king and, it's the last thing I want. I can't blame her, if it was up to her she would never have to be queen. The problem is that up until very recently I had no idea what the hell I wanted. Now I know. Now I am anything but unsure. It's painfully clear that I can't keep on like this. Can the mix of work and pleasure ever be the for the best?
Even my crew says this is the most logical choice. "What better way to protect the princess than from her bedchamber." Logic says it works. My head agrees. So what's the problem? Why can't I get this fluttering feeling out of my chest? I know I shouldn't, but I think of her as a woman now. I'm not longer protecting her from the monsters that live under her bed. I do love her, more than anything. There's only one problem as I see it. I love her to much to marry her. I know that sounds shady. It's not; it really just isn't like that. I'm not being flighty a 'flighty' guy doesn't have the enemies I have. I put myself at risks all day every day protecting her, if we become involved it will only get worse.
If I keep things as they are, no more danger. My enemies can't use Isthar to get to me. The best kept secrets. Denying my love for her is only hurting me emotionally. It's better in the long run isn't it? At least if I say nothing keep up my duties Ishtar will have no choice but to move on. If she thinks my duty is only to my people and my queens protection she will move on. Find another man.
NO
Damn it, the thought drives me crazy with anger and jealousy. I couldn't imagine actually seeing her with another man. I know my past; doesn't that mean I can't repeat it?
Maybe I'm making a mistake. Maybe it's a dance better left to someone more talent than myself. But at least I'll have enjoyed my time before I fall.