Fingertips
Chapter Three
By: Lil' Inu Yahsa
I did mention before that the overwhelming feeling I had when I met Inu Yasha was fear didn't I? Well I will explain why now.
If anyone has ever seen someone that is mentally disabilitated they will know that persons with mental conditions do not look normal. Even if they have the exact same body and they have a nose and two eyes, and two arms and legs, and they look just like normal humans look like, they are not the same. I don't even know how you can tell, but somehow it is just so plain to see that someone is not normal. Because when I saw Inu Yasha for the first time, I was both ecstatic with joy, and paralyzed with fear.
I think that is part of the reason why when I met him the first time I just stood behind him so long. I already knew he had a mental ailment, but I was worried about what that was. They did no tell us anything about the people we were paired with (unless they had violent tendencies, and that is why they told me he could not be touched after I patted his back. I also learned he carries a Swiss army knife everywhere with him in his pocket and no one can take it from him because they can not get close enough to him to take it from his pocket.) because the teacher of my leadership class said he wanted us to grow a relationship with them on our own and not treat them like there is something wrong with them, like everyone else does.
But I think this is stupid because the truth is there is something wrong with them and they are different. Not that is bad, because everyone is different, but they can not function without help. But most of them can not understand that because that is how they know themselves and they do not know how it feels like to think like a normal human being would think. And it is not their fault, but everyone thinks it is. But that is understandable because it took me a very long time to accept Inu Yasha for what he was. Even now I have problems with him sometimes, but I am more understanding and even tempered than before because being with Inu Yasha has changed my whole world a lot.
Anyways, when I first saw him I knew he was not normal and healthy like most of the children at my school. Maybe it was the way he was hunched over or the way he was coloring and rocking his chair back and forth and making a strange groaning sound, but I do not know. I could just tell. And of course, his shrieking and freaking out and hiding in a corner because I touched him did not help my image of him. But when he settled down and I got a look at his eyes I could not help but realizing how amazingly beautiful they were. This amazing purple-blue color that painted the irises of this boy were unmatched. I could have stared at them for so long because they were so spectacular. And when he looked at me my heart would flutter with both admiration and fear because even though his eyes were so beautiful, they were empty eyes.
The emptiest.
I could not find a single smile line, or a scowl on his brow, or a crease from a frown. I think there was a line between his brows because when he is scared his eyebrows push towards each other and his eyes clamp shut. And in his eyes, I could not find a single trace of human emotion and that is frightening indeed.
I do not know if there is exact words to describe this, but people's faces are like books. When I look at someone, I can already tell so much about them. Because people usually have 'looks'. Someone can have a frightened look or they can have an angry or disappointed look, and the list goes on and on. For example, my friend Sango has a very light look because, like me, she is usually happy and relaxed and she doesn't get angry easily. My friend Miroku has a very scheming look because I can always tell when he is thinking up some kind of plan, whether it be a way to fix a microwave, or the perfect time to grab Sango's butt and get away without getting smacked. And my brother has the kid look, because most children have not lived long enough or been through enough to develop a look.
But Inu Yasha does not have a look. Or at least he does not have one I have seen. Well, if he did have a look, it would be the empty look because he does not look like he has ever smiled or laughed or cried or felt an actual feeling for a day in his life. But he might fit the frightened look because he does get afraid. He is afraid of loud noises and people touching him, and he is afraid of being in small spaces with other people, and I know this because a couple months ago I asked him. And when is afraid he completely loses it and screams and curls up into a fetal ball and puts his forehead on his knees and groans and whimpers like a scared puppy would if you were going to smack it.
I do feel bad for him. Many people have asked me if I do, and if I did not feel bad for him I would be just like him because he can not feel bad for people because he does not know when people are feeling sad. But Inu Yasha is sad. He is sad and scared and worn and torn in every possible way, and I feel so bad for him that it hurts because I can not help him. This took a very long time to realize because through all the time I spent with him I always thought, 'I can save him. I can help him.'
But I can't.
I read this from a site online:
How is autism treated?
There is no cure for autism. Therapies and behavioral interventions are designed to remedy specific symptoms and can bring about substantial improvement. The ideal treatment plan coordinates therapies and interventions that target the core symptoms of autism:
impaired social interaction,
problems with verbal and nonverbal communication,
and obsessive or repetitive routines and interests.
Most professionals agree that the earlier the intervention, the better.
Educational/behavioral interventions: Therapists use highly structured and intensive skill-oriented training sessions to help children develop social and language skills. Family counseling for the parents and siblings of children with autism often helps families cope with the particular challenges of living with an autistic child
Medications: Doctors often prescribe an antidepressant medication to handle symptoms of anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Anti-psychotic medications are used to treat severe behavioral problems. Seizures can be treated with one or more of the anticonvulsant drugs. Stimulant drugs, such as those used for children with attention deficit disorder (ADD), are sometimes used effectively to help decrease impulsivity and hyperactivity.
Other therapies: There are a number of controversial therapies or interventions available for autistic children, but few, if any, are supported by scientific studies. Parents should use caution before adopting any of these treatments.
Even though there were three things that might be able to help, I was always stuck on the first sentence,
There is no cure for autism.
There is no cure for autism.
There is no cure for autism.
And every time I get this feeling that I can change him or help him, those words ring clear in my brain.
There is no cure for autism.
And those words make my chest hurt. I would like to say that it is because it breaks my heart to see him like that, but Inu Yasha explained it better. He said that when your body is under stress, your heart beats faster and when it is beating so hard for so long it makes it painful for it and that is why my chest hurt. I did not tell him he was breaking my heart though because he would not understand. I know because once, a girl had hit him because they were fighting over a marker and she got frustrated, and he pulled her hair and ran to a corner and screamed and cried. So I tried to calm him down.
I do not know how it is you can calm someone like him down. I realized how dependent people were upon touching each other for comfort because I really wanted to hug him. This is because that is what I would have wanted if I were crying, but I knew that would make him scream. So I asked,
"I want you to feel better Inu Yasha. How can I help you?" I had grown used to explaining my exact emotions by now. If I had started to cry he would not understand and would grow confused.
He told me to move away from him by two feet.
I stared at him for a while and waited for him to say anything else. He did not. This happened at least half a year ago, and even then, I felt an overwhelming amount of grief for this boy. When you looked at him, you could feel this awful fear and this terrible penetrating feeling of guilt. I think now that is because you know that you are part of the race that has let him down. I would never want to hurt Inu Yasha though. I would however gladly punch anyone who would dare say anything bad about him.
I scooted two feet away and then murmured under my breath, "It breaks my heart to see you like this." I shook my head and looked at the floor because it was getting painful to see him so hurt.
And then he looked at me and his eyes were wide and dripping with tears. "I do not understand." he said.
I looked up at him and he stared at the ground because he hates looking into people's eyes, because that is almost like being near them, and being near them makes him afraid they will touch him and he does not like that. "What?" I asked him.
And he said, "If your heart broke, you would die."
And then my heart felt like it really did break because he said this with no empathy, or sorrow or remorse at all. And then I started thinking to what he said about how his favorite dream was the one were everyone died and I frowned and felt my eyes get hot.
"It is a metaphor." I said. He does not like metaphors, but I use them anyways, because I forget that they are metaphors because I am so used to saying them. Usually he asks me what I mean, but sometimes, and most times, he will say nothing. "It means my chest is hurting me."
I try sometimes to say things in a way that might confuse him because then he will ask me what I mean, and it will be like having a conversation with him. And I like talking to him because he is smart and interesting and a lot of times his thoughts are incredible because he hits issues right on the head. And that is a metaphor and I did not tell him those words exactly. In this case though, I wanted him to ask me, 'Why does it hurt?' but he did not say anything.
After six or seven visits, I came into the arts room and I was dripping with rain because it was raining very hard outside and I said, "It's raining cats and dogs out there!"
And he said nothing because he did not understand. He almost never starts any conversations because he is 'introverted'. And that is the word the psychologists use with children who like being alone. Another way to say this would be 'anti social'. Other words that I have heard the counselors use are 'emotionally distant' and 'detached' and 'un-empathetic' and 'socially distorted'.
The psychologist for Inu Yasha (her name is Ms Khan, but Inu Yasha calls her Aliah because that is her first name) says that it puts a negative impact when they say 'anti social' or the other words because she says she wants the children to think that they are normal and fine the way they are. I would understand if it were me or pretty much anyone else, because if someone were to tell me that I was distorted or detached I would start crying, but I don't think that it would damage Inu Yasha, because most nearly nothing effects Inu Yasha.
Author's Notes
Number of Chapters in Story? Six. Six chapters. Five by Kagome, and one in Inu Yasha's POV. (A special treat. You guys get to see life HIS way. It might not be so accurate, but whatever.) And I think there will be an epilogue.
And for all you that said chapter one and two are identical: Please re check chapter one. It is not the same as the first actual story chapter.
Woot. Third chapter! Happy happy joy joy. This story is sadly halfway done
Also, in addition to my family's history of mental illness, my uncle is dying of Alzheimer's. (It's real sad. My mom said he was a real great guy.)
Well, I should have the next chapter out in a week or so. (I'll be updating weekly.)
(The message is for) Tangled-Wires-of-Doom (But read it any ways, because it provides insight to the story.)- Yay! You said exactly what I was aiming for this story to do! I did not want this to be one of those stories, like Suaru said, where he is in a mental institution, but he is not really crazy, because that just downright pisses me off. (Note to Self: Remember to erase 'Broken Thunder') And I am glad you like the first person POV. I have never written a story in first person and I am glad you like how I do it. (The best first person POV story I have read is 'Imaginary'.)
In regards to Sleepwalking Chickens comment, I do actually try to make the sentences a little runny and confusing because I think it really suits this story. I want it to seem kind of different and imperfect because that is how the characters are. Kagome's no saint, and Inu Yasha is definitely a little … 'off'.
Well, Inu Yasha isn't in a mental institution (Just to clear up anything because mentioned mental institutions in the last paragraph. And no, he is not crazy.) He goes to a school that is for children with learning or emotional difficulties. And yes, Kagome is NOT a saint. She does have problems with him, because I mean, he can be really difficult, as you'll learn. You see her saying, 'that's just how he is, and that's okay, because he can't help it' a whole lot. Think of it as her way of accepting him. It does bother her that he has autism though
.(Just think about the situation: Pretty and hormonal teenage high school girl plus mysterious, beautiful, but emotionally absent stranger equals? Can you say, sexual tension? And Inu Yasha hates being touched. Poor Kagome.)
Angel-tears-16- Yes, I am female, and thank you for the compliment! I can get why she might be insulted, but autism is a disease. It's not the core of that person's soul or anything
Hanyou witch 911- The Curious incident (etc) is an AMAZING BOOK! Its so great so continue reading! Hope you like it and thanks for the reviews! Accurate? Why thank you!
Irish Leprechaun- Aw! (leaps out of shiny box and gives Juu-Juu a big hug) Thanks for the reviews Irish! Your little cuz sounds so kewl! Give 'im a hug for me!
Chibi-Neko192- Feelings for Inu Yasha? Hmmm …. You'll just have to wait and see wont you:P