A/N: DW CHURCH'S BACK! And majorly revised. Everything is really different because I don't remember what happened to all my old chapters. How sad. But it'll be funnier than before. I promise.
Disclaimer: snort Like I own DW. Nice.
Warnings: Lots of swearing and sexual undertone. If you're religious, DON'T FUCKING READ IT! It's all in good fun. I'm not a very religious person and I'm fine with making a mockery of the church. If you aren't, don't flame me. Just don't freaking read it. If you're fine with it all, then R&R. I'm a total comment whore.
Note: I'm Pope, Keen is my other friend Whitney and Sister Loop is her lil' sister. DW Churchy is based off a comic I made where I get to be Pope and Whitney gets to be the King/Queen (hence Keen) of MEEP! University, which is our studio name.
Chapter One: Original Sin and My Brave Heart Rip Off
The lights turn on to reveal our quite peaceful looking church and surrounding town, the citizens all indoors even as the sun shines. Only one walks through the suspiciously empty streets, sticking out like a sore thumb...or a jackass dressed in bright green silk. Either or.
Enter Liu Bei, merciful ruler, famous widower and keeper of the strangest mustache I've ever seen. Worried, he runs into the church, eyes widening at the odd inside. While peaceful from outside, the large hall was constructed of graffiti covered walls and had a distinct odor of beer, sharpies, and the futile attempts of the cleaning staff. Our good ol' Shu leader steps into the confessional, promptly labeled with a sign saying 'Do not disturb at risk of eternal damnation.'
Liu Bei: Your holiness! Your holiness! Forgive me for I have sinned.
Sister Loop: Wrong box, hun, this is the dressing room.
Liu Bei: Oh...right, sorry.
After stepping into the dressing room, the supposedly wise leader fails several times more by going into another dressing room, a make-shift port-a-potty, three closets filled with sharpies and manga, and finally a small box with a hunched over girl playing DW5 with a crazed look in her eyes, a pope hat placed on her head.
Liu Bei: Sorry...I'm looking for the confessional...this is a church, right?
Girl: snaps up Church? What about Church? As in, gay robot Church or the place where all the assholes come in to bother me about how they've sinned?
Liu Bei: Um...the second one? Who are you?
She grins wildly and floats (yes, floats) out of the box after pausing her game. Confetti falls, flowers are produced and doves are released.
Sister Loop: NOT THE DOVES! I WAS SAVING THOSE FOR LENIN'S BIRTHDAY!
Girl: Quiet you! They can use the sickly one in that box of Gan Ning's! (ahem in the mystical voice that is wonderful) I am the all knowing, all seeing, wonderful and fabulous Pope of stuffs!
Liu Bei: You can't be Pope, you're a girl!
Pope: Yeah, and you're Chinese, why are you coming to a Christian-based church?
Liu Bei: Christian-based?
Pope: Meh. I'm neither here nor there. I only took the job for this rockin' hat.
Liu Bei: ...
Pope: Oh don't you take that tone with me.
Liu Bei: But I didn't-
Pope: Just confess, skank.
Liu Bei: (sniffles) I have sinned...I'M HAVING IMPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT MY OFFICER, ZHAO YUN!
Pope: You're joking, right? I have impure thoughts about Zhao Yun. Keen has impure thoughts about Zhao Yun. Dude, EVERYONE has impure thoughts about Zhao Yun. And you must have neglected the sign because today's Original Sin Sunday.
Liu Bei: Original Sin Sunday?
Pope: You know, crazy shit that I've never heard before. Like violating a pig with a spear
Sister Loop: Or wasting a perfectly good sharpie.
Liu Bei: Oh...well...I...uh...poked Lu Xun with a spoon?
Pope: Gasp! Dude, that's disgusting! I've never heard anything so vile!
Liu Bei: So that whole violates the pig thing...
Pope: Silence! NO ONE POKES LU XUN UNLESS IT'S IN A YAOI STORY!
Gan Ning: I heard some one talk about poking Lu Xun and something about yaoi.
Pope: Quiet you, save it for the Bishounen Closet
Liu Bei: Um...so...have I sinned?
Pope: Hell yes you've sinned! This goes beyond incurring the wrath of God! You've incurred the wrath of KEEN!
Liu Bei: Keen?
Pope: Keen is the most horrifying, merciless, evil creature ever known to walk the planet! Keen will feed you your testicles if you have uneven sideburns!
Zhang Fei: (holding his crotch) They weren't uneven! My head was tilted! (limps away)
Pope: You had it coming, Fei, you're not only ugly but a sucky character to play as.
Zhang Fei: (pouts) That hurts, man, on the inside.
Liu Bei: (gulps) Keen is really that bad?
The doors burst open and a rainbow path flows inside. Riding upon it, quite drunk might I add, is a purple haired...thing...in a matching dress that's too much of a reminder of when Terra Reid decided to show us everything we didn't want to see.
Keen: I'M TERRA REID! (hic)
Shut up. That's the narration. You aren't supposed to hear the narration.
Keen: Pope...GOD IS TALKING TO ME AGAIN!
I'm flattered, but I'm not God...well...not in the outside world. I guess, here, I AM God.
Pope: (eye roll)
Liu Bei: That's her? She doesn't look so evil.
Pope: Dude, it's not a she.
Liu Bei: This Keen thing is a transvestite? Pretty convincing.
Pope: Dude, it's not a he.
Liu Bei...Then...it's an it?
Pope: Pretty much.
Keen: (ahem) You called?
Pope: Oh! Right! Dude, this guy is a total ass. He did ASDFA;LJ90W3!
Keen: (gasp) OMFG ASDFA;LJ90W3?
Pope: Yes, my wonderful, royal, gracious Lardy!
Liu Bei: Are you calling it fat?
Pope: No. Keen is both a Lord and a Lady. Hence Lardy.
Liu Bei: You couldn't have chosen anything more flattering?
Keen: Silence, infidel! How dare you show such disrespect to your Matriss?
Liu Bei: I am so fucking confused.
Pope: (covers Loop's ears) HOW DARE YOU FUCKING SWEAR! THIS IS A HOUSE OF GOD...okay, that didn't turn out like I'd hoped...um...HOW DARE YOU SWEAR, SHE'S STILL A LITTLE'UN!
Keen: Better, Pope...(hic)
Pope: Hey, weren't you pregnant or something?
Keen: I found a coat hanger.
Pope: Ah.
Liu Bei: Hello? Are we forgetting about me? I need some sort of punishment for my sins.
Pope: Right. The guy who violated Lu Xun with a spoon...
Liu Bei: I didn't violate him!
Gan Ning: I heard some one talking about violating...
Keen: We get it. You're screwing Lu Xun.
Gan Ning: You're just jealous.
Pope: Go screw a chicken.
Gan Ning: YOU SAID YOU'D KEEP THAT A SECRET! SOME POPE YOU ARE!
Pope: Have you read this fic at all?
Keen: Okay, enough of this madness! I say we give him a slow, painful death! ALA BRAVE HEART STYLE!
Liu Bei is grabbed by the miscellaneous muscle men of the church and tied down to the rack. The pews fill and all watch the torture of Liu Bei. Zhou Yu does us the honor of being the guy in the funny hat that does it, too.
Zhou Yu: Just beg for mercy, man, it'll make everything way easier.
Liu Bei: gurgle gurgle
Zhou Yu: Excuse me? I couldn't quite hear.
Liu Bei: Fuck...gurgle you...
Zhou Yu: Oh that's it! Fetch me my knives!
Liu Bei: Shit.
Zhou Yu: Beg for mercy, Shu scum!
Liu Bei: (being stabified in the naughty areas)
Zhou Yu: Don't make me get out the giblet snippers!
Liu Bei: FREEEEEEEEEDOM!
Everyone gasps before the other Shu jackasses start standing up.
Zhuge Liang: FREEDOM FOR MY POT-INDUCED STRATEGEMS!
Guan Yu: FREEDOM FOR MY SHINY, SHINY BEARD!
Zhang Fei: FREEDOM FOR THE UGLY ONES!
Jian Wei: FREEDOM FOR ME TO MAKE LURVELY GAY LOVE TO MY MASTER!
Pope: I'm cool with that one.
Keen: What about Shang Xiang? It's her husband that we're killing.
Shang Xiang: (orgying it up with all the Wu guys) You're kidding, right?
Keen: And what about you, Zhao Yun? I thought you guys were having an affair or something.
Zhao Yun: (orgying it up with all the Wu guys and Shang Xiang) Um...I'm kind of busy, here.
Liu Bei: FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!
Zhou Yu: Yeah, sure. You can be free while you're burning in eternal damnation and imprisonment.
Liu Bei dies, and only the Shu guys cry, because no one but Gan Ning can poke Lu Xun. Maybe if he was Kessen Liu Bei he would have lived. Because that Liu Bei was a fox.
Pope:...I think I'm going to bake a cake.
Sister Loop: No prayers or any words for the guy you just killed?
Pope: No...I'm feeling pretty good about this cake thing.
Sister Loop: ...Have you ever even read the Bible?
Pope: I gave it a quick once over. Not too interesting... except that whole apocalypse thing. That seems pretty bad ass.
Sister Loop: You're going to burn in hell.
Pope: Yeah...well, you're going down for being an accomplice.
Sister Loop: Damn.
END! For now, at least.
Bishounen Closet: Keen's place of happiness where she keeps all her Bishi boys.
A/N: It wasn't as funny as the original one...oh well. Liu Bei still dies in it, so it's all good. Don't worry. It gets better. Next Chapter:
Tea and Cake or Death?