What does Karai do in her spare time? Why, she tries to get published, that's what!
Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT or any of their supporting characters. I just own a Leo plushie, and I'm not giving it up.
Dear Ms. KaraiFrom the desk of Karai:
Coxcomb Amour Publishing
1025 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10019
Dear Sir/Madam,
Enclosed please find my manuscript, entitled "Deep Greens and Blues", for your consideration. It is a multigenerational saga of honor, duty, loyalty, betrayal, and vengeance. Yes indeed, vengeance. I trust you will find it sufficiently riveting to warrant immediate publication.
I await your reply, upon which time we can discuss my cash advance and subsequent royalties.
Sincerely,
Oroku Karai
Oroku Karai
Shredder Stronghold
New York, NY 10016
Dear Ms. Karai,
Thank you for your interest in Coxcomb Amour Publishing. Unfortunately, your manuscript does not meet our needs at the present time. Keep in mind that we a strictly a publisher of Romance, of which your novel contains none. The plot of "Deep Greens and Blues" and some of the – unconventional – characters are more suited to Science Fiction/Fantasy than Romance.
However, your writing style is not without merit, and if you wish to submit another manuscript more in line with our requirements, I will consider it. Enclosed is a copy of our writer's guidelines to give you an idea of what we are looking for.
For future reference, you should research the publishing house before you submit your manuscript, it well prevent both you and the editor from wasting her time. Also, take the trouble to learn the editor's name and address your cover letter to him or her. It looks more professional than a generic Dear Sir/Madam, and shows you've done your homework.
Good luck with your writing!
Sincerely,
Natasha Hussey
Editor
Natasha Hussey
Coxcomb Amour Publishing
1025 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10019
Dear Ms. Hussey,
I have taken your guidelines into account, and am here submitting a new manuscript, "The Verdant Green Hunk of Desire", written according to your specifications. I trust you will find it satisfactory.
Also, for your future reference, I will instruct you in the proper way to address me. In Japan, unlike this country, the family name comes first and the given name second. Therefore, I am properly addressed as Ms. Oroku, not Ms. Karai. Kindly remember that.
Sincerely,
Oroku Karai
Oroku Karai
Shredder Stronghold
New York, NY 10016
Dear Ms. Karai,
I am returning your manuscript, "The Verdant Green Hunk of Desire." Although the general premise and plot would fit well with our "Shadow Liaison" line of paranormal romances, you manuscript will nevertheless need considerable revising.
As I believe I mentioned before, the rather, er, unusual characteristics of some of your characters – in this case, your leading man – do not fit in with our prescribed guidelines.
Try writing about vampires. Vampires are sexy!
Sincerely,
Natasha Hussey
Editor
Natasha Hussey
Coxcomb Amour Publishing
1025 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10019
Dear Ms. Hussey,
And I believe I mentioned before the proper way to address me. My family name is Oroku. My first name is Karai. I am Ms. Oroku. This does not seem to me to be rocket science. Please do not let this simple-minded and careless error happen again.
It is quite frustrating to provide you with a manuscript written exactly to your specifications, only to have additional requirements brought up later that should have been mentioned in the first place. Nonetheless, I have further revised my manuscript, now entitled "Terrapin Fang In My Heart," as per your new instructions. This had better suffice, as I am finding these constant rewrites quite tedious.
You have been warned.
Sincerely,
Oroku Karai
Oroku Karai
Shredder Stronghold
New York, NY 10016
Dear Ms. Oroku,
I am returning you latest submission, "Terrapin Fang In My Heart." It most emphatically does not meet our needs and frankly, I find your predilections and preoccupation with oversized terrapins more than a little disturbing. Let me make myself perfectly clear, since you seem unable to take a hint: NO WOMAN IN THE WORLD WANTS TO MAKE LOVE TO A DANG GIANT TURTLE, undead or otherwise. (Author's Note: Say it with me everyone – WANNA BET?) Please refrain from submitting anything with such content in the future, and please get some therapy.
Sincerely,
Natasha Hussey
Editor
Natasha Hussey
Coxcomb Amour Publishing
1025 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10019
Dear Fool,
You obviously do not realize with whom you are trifling. I am writing to inform you that I have just purchased Coxcomb Amour Publications in its entirety. Since you have had such trouble in the past learning the proper way to address me, I will make it easy for you. You will now address me simply as "Master".
You will proceed to publish "Terrapin Fang in My Heart" immediately. I also demand a huge marketing campaign and international distribution. The market will be saturated with "dang giant turtles," every woman will read of making love to "dang giant turtles," this entire publishing house will produce nothing but books about "dang giant turtles" if I see fit.
This is my "therapy." Thank you so much for suggesting it. I feel much better now.
Sincerely,
Oroku Karai
Master