Hold On
By Dan'yu
Chapter Five: Hope
"…Tohru…"
"…Tohru…"
"Ano, koishii, you need to wake up."
Stirred from her light sleep by the quiet voice, laced with gentle insistence, Tohru slowly opened her eyes to find Kyou's face in close proximity with her own. The moment she looked up, silently informing him of her awareness, his face softened with a smile, his eyes warm with affection.
Tohru returned the smile, reaching out to grasp the hand resting on the bed beside them, their fingers entwining. He touched his fingers to her face briefly, leaning in just enough to press a light kiss to her forehead. "Did you sleep well?"
Beneath the warmth in his eyes was a familiar, shadowed melancholy, darker now and more intense than she had ever seen it. With a sudden realization, her grip on his hand tightened almost painfully. "Kyou…you…"
With a sad smile, brushing his fingers once more against her face, he rose gracefully to his feet, releasing his hand from hers. "You should hurry, Tohru. You don't want to be late for your own graduation ceremony."
Watching him walk away, she was well aware of a sinking feeling in her stomach, the dread they had managed to banish for a short time the night before coming back full-force. She hugged herself, biting her lip against the urge to cry.
"Tohru-chan!"
As Kagura's cheerful shout broke through the morning silence enveloping Shigure's house, Tohru hastily wiped away the tears that had managed to creep into her eyes, forcing a light-hearted smile. The older girl had insisted long ago that she would be the one to dress Tohru for the ceremony; she should not keep her waiting. She would smile and laugh, be as blithe as all the other graduates and not let the Sohmas she cared for so deeply see behind her face. Kyou would not want to see her cry; she would be strong for him.
Even as she made her resolve, fighting back the threat of tears, the arms she wrapped around herself gave no reprieve. There was no way to banish the cold, with only a memory of the warmth of Kyou's embrace.
"A baby shower?"
The skeptical question originated from Yuki, sitting before the piles of notes and textbooks on the kotatsu before him, the warmth needed in the chill of the blustery autumn afternoon outside. His hair grown longer since entering university, mussed with uncharacteristic carelessness, the nezumi appeared tired, stress and exhaustion leaving their mark upon his visage as the exhausting pace he kept up at the college finally caught up with him. Yuki frowned thoughtfully as he eyed his younger cousin over the reading glasses perched on the bridge of his nose.
"Yes, yes." Momiji was practically vibrating with excitement; his youthful features alit with zealous enthusiasm. "We should throw Tohru a baby shower!"
"Do you even know what it is?" Haru asked from his reclining position on the nearby couch, lazily fixing his gaze on the cheerful usagi.
Momiji huffed indignantly, resting his hands against his hips. "Of course I know what it is! It's a Western tradition when people throw a party for a woman expecting a baby. I just think we should do something nice for Tohru." His expression faded into one of concern. "She's seemed down lately."
Haru shrugged, stretching back his arms until his shoulders cracked, a gesture that made Yuki wince. "I never said we shouldn't do it. I just wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing. What do you think, Yuki?"
"I think it's a good idea. She likes to have us all together. I'm sure she'd enjoy it."
With a grin, Momiji slapped his hands together. "Gut! It's settled then. We'll throw a baby shower for Tohru-chan! You guys don't worry about a thing! I'll take care of anything."
As he moved to exit the room, Haru stopped him. "Momiji. Why don't you check with Sensei to see if you can use his house?"
"That's a good idea. Where is he?"
"In his study," Yuki answered. "Though Kami knows what he's doing in there."
As Momiji thanked him and headed off to see Shigure, Haru turned to Yuki with a slight smile. "Are you sure it's wise to send him to Sensei? The only thing he loves more than torturing his editor is torturing the rest of us."
"Momiji will be fine. Oddly enough, he's one of the only people who can actually tolerate Shigure without blowing his top."
"True enough." He paused for a moment, regarding Yuki with a weighted stare. Yuki fidgeted under the scrutiny, as he always had, attempting to hide his ill ease under the guise of reviewing his schoolwork. Sooner or later, Haru would let him know what was on his mind.
His answer came sooner rather than later. "Oi, Yuki?"
"Hmm?"
"Momiji mentioned that Honda-san's been less than cheerful. How is she doing?"
Yuki sighed, admitting defeat as he closed the textbooks, rubbing his fingers to his temples. "She's been fine, considering. She's ill in the mornings, and she tires easy, but those are just regular symptoms of pregnancy. She's…oh, dammit, Haru, she's miserable! She laughs and smiles like she used to, she tries so hard, but it's all forced! She's so sad beneath it all. I don't know what to do."
Haru said nothing, moving across the room to sit beside his cousin, close enough for their shoulders to touch. He reached out, resting his hand against Yuki's shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "What you do, Yuki, is nothing."
"Nothing?"
Haru nodded, a ghost of a smile curving his lips as he leaned back his head to gaze at the ceiling. "Yep. You do nothing. You just have to let her get through this on her own. She's missing him, Yuki, there's no denying that. Just make sure she knows you're here for her when she needs you, and then give her the space she needs. All she needs now is time."
Yuki nodded silently, accepting the advice. Rubbing a hand over his face, he stretched, regarding the other with a dry chuckle. "You really do amaze me, Haru. Are you sure you're only seventeen?"
"That's what they keep telling me."
"More like a wise old man. Hmph. A young old man."
xx
"Honda-san?"
The soft sound of Yuki's questioning voice broke through her reverie, as she turned her head to favor him with a bright smile. He returned the smile, moving toward her gracefully; somehow capable of keeping his natural dexterity even in the bulky scarf and long coat he wore against the autumn chill.
"Yuki-kun. Hello."
"I'm not interrupting, am I?"
"Iie. I was just finishing my conversation with Mom."
He respectfully knelt beside her before her mother's grave, pressing his hands together to offer the traditional short prayer. As he finished, he opened his eyes to regard the woman beside him, frowning slightly.
At six and a half months, she was in the full bloom of pregnancy, her stomach round and swollen in contrast to her slight frame, her face alight with an almost glowing radiance, her cheeks flushed in the cold of the season. Since leaving her grandfather's house that fateful day four months before, she had begun to make regular trips to her mother's grave. On occasions, especially as the cooler seasons began to set in and her stomach began to swell with growing life, handicapping her movement, Yuki would accompany her, watching from a distance as she seemed to alternate between days of cheerful conversation, and tearful, earnest whispers of things only she and Kyoko Honda would ever know.
Despite all this, it was the rather thin state of the coat wrapped around her that caused him to frown. With a tired sigh, he unwound his scarf, wrapping it snugly around her neck. "We should be heading back, Honda-san. It's a bit too brisk out here to stay out long."
"Hai." With a fond smile, she rested a hand over her stomach. "Silly of me. It's not good for the baby."
Accepting his outstretched hand, he effortlessly helped her to rise to her feet. Her arm linked through his, he offered her a smile, one she gladly returned as they began the walk down the path, their pace purposely slow as they took the time to admire the vividly changing colors of the trees along the path.
As they entered, the house was dark and quiet. Pausing in the front doorway to remove shoes and coats, Tohru turned her head toward her companion. "Yuki-kun? It's getting late. I should probably start dinner."
Yuki nodded as he took her jacket, handing both coats on the mahogany coat tree nearby. "You don't have to cook, Honda-san. Are you sure you don't want me to?"
"Er…that's alright, Yuki-kun. It's no trouble for me."
Yuki chuckled softly. "I see. You're probably right, Honda-san. I know what a disaster I am in the kitchen."
She smiled. "Iie, it just takes practice. Do you have any requests, Yuki-kun?"
"Hmm, no. Anything sounds good."
His mouth stretched into a grin as Tohru stepped into the main room, flicking on the light switch as she passed…
"SURPRISE!"
"Eh?"
xx
Momiji's party went over a success. Among the sea of familiar and smiling faces, Tohru's eyes lingered over each of them, her smile growing lighter and fonder with each new person she saw. Momiji, Shigure, Hatori, Ayame, Haru, Kagura, Arisa and Saki, Kisa, and even Hiro. All of them come to celebrate with her.
Momiji and Kagura had taken charge then, each of them grabbing an elbow and guiding her toward the tables heavily laden with food and flamboyantly colored presents, spread out endlessly in a tangle of ribbons and wrapping paper, elaborately decorated cakes and chocolates among other sweets.
The walls and ceiling were dripping in streamers and balloons, done in mixtures of pinks and blues, as the sex of Tohru's baby had not yet been determined. Lavish, but tastefully done. Even Yuki had to stare with open admiration. Momiji had outdone himself.
The room was soon full of excited and amiable chatter, the friendly warmth enveloping the room coming from more than just the fire roaring in the hearth. Tohru sat as the center of all the attention, covered in a thick quilt before the fireplace, supported by the large number of cushions Kagura had tucked behind her. Between the ongoing conversations, different members of the Jyuunishi continually presented Tohru with different treats, especially her favorites, small portions of onigiri or her favored sweets.
As time passed, Yuki watched her, the expression that had been darkened with sorrow for so many months finally relaxing, taking on a new beauty as pure joy lit up her features in a way he had never seen.
Gifts followed next, each one an obvious echo of each person's individual eccentrics. From Kisa and Hiro, a great stuffed tiger nearly the size of each of them; from Kagura, a pair of knitted baby blankets done in rich shade of green, embroidered along the edges with the different animals of the zodiac; from Arisa and Saki, sets of sleepers and booties; from Haru, a storybook; from Ayame, beautifully made dresses that caused many to sigh and shake their head, especially at his nii-san's claim to the androgynous quality of the outfit; from Momiji, a heavy box of her favorite chocolates, imported from Europe; and from Shigure, a wicker bassinet for the early days she would have to keep the child beside her.
As the time came for his present, Yuki could not suppress his nervousness as he worked his way through the sea of ribbon and discarded wrapping paper. He smiled softly, offering her his hand. Her hand in his, he beckoned her to follow him up the stairs and into the hallway. Opening the door to what was his room only months before; he turned back to her with his heart jumbled in a mixture of nerves and excitement. "This is my gift, Tohru."
Three months later, he could still remember her reaction with as much vividness as if it had been yesterday. Her tears of joy and her excited laughter, as she flew into the newly constructed nursery with all the speed she could manage. She had whispered to him broken, nearly unintelligible words of gratitude, embracing him (as much as she could) repeatedly, kissing him. He remember the heat of his blush, and then the power behind his own smile as he watched her and Kagura, who tended to take on the role of mother hen, whirling around the room, examining each object with excited chatter and rapt appreciation. He never could have asked for a better reaction.
He watched her now in the same way he had that day, leaning against the open doorway, arms folded across his chest as he regarded her with a small smile. Between the demanding hours required of him in relation to university classes, he spent more of his time here than he did his own apartment. It had grown to the point where his own bed could be left cold for nearly a week in favor of Shigure's couch. In retrospect, he wondered why he had bothered moving out in the first place, when every day, something inside him pushed him to make the commute back to Sohma property.
In his bedroom turned nursery, Tohru stood before the changing table beside the cradle in the far corner, humming contently to herself as she folded newly washed baby clothing. Though many of the various outfits, a mixture of clothing for both boys and girls and several garments that could be considered unisex, were slightly faded and worn, all were in relatively good condition. Clothing that had been put away and forgotten for over a decade in many cases finally had new purpose, offered cheerfully by the many of the parents of the younger Jyuunishi. Though Tohru had been reluctant to accept the offerings, the insistence of so many generous people, as she said, had overwhelmed her.
Yuki was glad she had accepted. Even if she had not refused his desire to help support her and the child to come, they were both strapped for funds.
He had been pushing hard on his already thin finances to complete the nursery, but in the end, it was all for Tohru, so how could he not? Though not renowned for any type of artistic ability, he had completed nearly every inch of the room on his own.
The walls were done in shades of blue and white in a pattern resembling summer skies, simply decorated with bureau, rocking chair, cradle, and changing table. The home crafted mobile hanging delicately above the cradle was a favorite of everyone, a colorful miniature of Jyuunishi animal dangling from each ring.
One wall was devoted entirely to an incredibly realistic mural depicted an old-fashioned airplane flying high among a flock of seagulls, a sparkling blue ocean stretching out in the background. This had been Haru and Momiji's work, Haru with his artistic talents and Momiji with his boundless, childlike imagination. Both younger boys had denied the right to claim credit for the work, finding satisfaction in the simple joy of Tohru's reaction much as Yuki had.
Suddenly, the content, peaceful air surrounding the room was invaded by a sharp, whimpering gasp from Tohru, as she abruptly dropped the clothes she had been holding, arms clutching around her rounded abdomen.
Yuki was at her side in an instant. "Tohru? What is it? What's wrong?"
She squeezed his hand in almost a painful grip, struggling to respond between gasping breaths. "It's- it's the baby, Yuki-kun. I think I've gone into labor."
xx
Six Sohma males paced anxiously along the busy corridor of the hospital, threatening to wear trenches into the tiled floor. All of them, from the carefree Momiji to the usually stoic Haru and Hatori, were unusually jittery, unnerved by the lapsed amount of time that had passed since Tohru had been rushed into the delivery room.
From her place in a nearby waiting chair, Kagura watched them with a small smile of amusement, shaking her head as she patted Kisa's hand reassuringly. The younger girl sat beside her, pale and worried, her opposite hand tightly clutching Hiro's. For his part, the young ram was uncharacteristically quiet, his arm around Kisa, and the slightest hint of anxiety beginning to show through his habitual expression of irritation.
"It's alright, Kisa-chan," Kagura said softly, smiling at the girl, "Tohru-chan will be just fine." She turned her gaze pointedly toward the males. "The same goes to you lot, especially you, Yun-chan, Haru-chan, Momiji-chan. Shii-chan, Tori-chan, you two are adults. You ought to know better. You're just going to make the boys more nervous."
The two men, exchanging slightly guilty expressions, nodded and took their seats. That did not stop, however, the occasional tapping of a foot or the nervous twitching of a finger. Kagura suppressed her amused laughter. Tohru-chan had melted the ice in the adults as effectively as she had changed the younger cousins among them.
Yuki cursed under his breath, throwing up his hands with a growl of frustration. "I can't stand it anymore! Her contractions started hours ago! Is it supposed to take this long!"
Haru rested a hand on his shoulder, hoping to calm him down, but Yuki only shrugged him away, irritably running his hands through his hair. Hatori sighed, suddenly seeming tired and older, despite his relatively young age. "You just need to be patient, Yuki. A labor can last any number of hours. These things take time." Beside him, Shigure nodded his agreement in the middle of a wide-mouthed yawn, rubbing his hand over sagging eyes and a day's growth of whiskers.
"Yuki's right," Momiji whispered, turning fearful eyes over each of the others in search of some kind of reassurance, "It's been forever. What if something's gone wrong with Tohru or the baby?"
"They'll both be alright, Momiji-chan," Kagura said gently, "We just have to believe in that."
Momiji nodded, as he closed his eyes, his face twisting in pain. Haru slipped an arm across his back, gently squeezing his shoulders. Momiji accepted the comfort, leaning his head tiredly against his cousin.
Yuki sighed, subdued for now, casting a longing gaze toward the delivery room door. "I wish she had allowed one of us in there with her."
Kagura wrinkled her nose. "Yun-chan, I hate to tell you this, but Hanajima-san and Uotani were probably the better choice. I don't think Tohru-chan would have appreciated one of you guys in there with her. Besides, any one of you would have fainted in no time. All that blood…"
Yuki went deathly pale. "Blood?"
Hiro stirred then, staring at the elder with suspicion. "Are you sure you're studying to be a doctor?"
Before Yuki could retort, a doctor came trudging through the swinging door, exhausted but smiling in his scrubs, stripping the mask from his face. "Hatori Sohma-san? Shigure Sohma-san? I'm Doctor Mijuri. I'm the one who delivered Honda-san's baby?"
Both Sohma men shook the doctor's hand, unable to hide their anxiousness any longer. "Are they alright?" several of the waiting blurted out.
Mijuri blinked, his surprise soon replaced by a warm smile. "Why don't you come see for yourself?"
The Jyuunishi followed the doctor one by one into the hospital room, relieved and elated to find Tohru resting peacefully in her bed, alit with a glow that went beyond mere health as she raised her eyes from the bundle in her arms to greet them. Saki and Arisa stood one either side of her, Hanajima's noncommittal countenance melted away, the same with any guarded bravado Uotani kept as habit. Replaced the same ineffectual happiness radiating from Tohru.
"Yuki-kun, Shigure-san, Hatori-san, Kisa-san, Kagura-san, Momiji-kun, Hatsuharu-san, Ayame-san, Hiro-san, you're all here."
"Of course we are, my little flower," Shigure said with a sly smile.
"We could never miss the birth for our dear newest family member," Ayame nodded, flourishing a dramatic bow.
Yuki rolled his eyes at his brother's flamboyance, stepping closer to stand at Tohru's bedside. "Are you alright, Tohru? Nothing went wrong?"
Tohru shook her head. "Iie, Yuki-kun. Everything went fine." She regarded him with a beautiful smile. "Would you like to hold him, Yuki-kun?"
Yuki blinked. "It's a boy?" At Tohru's affirmative answer, he nodded vigorously. "Yes. I'd love to hold him."
Tohru gently laid the infant in his arms, murmuring advice to the unsure young man, how to mind his head, how to support his weight. He tentatively brushed his fingers against the crown of soft hair, coppery wisps of hair as fine as down.
Yuki cradled the child, watching as sleepy eyes fluttered open, thick lashes parting to reveal vermilion eyes, their amber red as brilliant as fire, and eerily echoing of his father.
Yuki glanced up, seeing the same awed expression on the face of each Jyuunishi as he was sure he was showing himself. He felt the change inside, the elation and the power. The force that pulled inside of him was strong, shifting more powerfully than their forced bond to each other and their god ever could. This was it. This child was their hope.
xx
In the dark confines of his prison, Kyou awoke once more in the stricken, violent aftermath of a dream. He swallowed convulsively, throwing an arm over his eyes more in effort to block out the dream's lingering traces than the nonexistent light. He choked softly, forcing out the words from a dry and parched throat not used in months. "Dear Kami, let it be only the longing of my heart and nothing more. Let it be only a dream. Please."
Gazing upward at a ceiling he could not see, his voice was broken, thick with unshed tears. "Oh, gods. A child…Gods, what have I done? A child…"
"Tohru…I'm so sorry."