Hold On
By Dan'yu
Chapter Seven: Family
For the two years they had lived together, their interactions had greatly resembled a dance. Not the perfect, flawless synchronization of professionals, but the shy, fumbling attempts of two youths making the shaky transitions from polite courtesy to an awkward friendship that slowly transformed into a closeness they could share with no other, as they struggled to find a balance between them and fought for understanding.
Her memories of him she treasured greater than any material possession could be held dear. Those rare times she could remember him, without the tears, when she could recollect with a smile the shy, brazen young man who had become so much a part of her heart without even trying. Before either of them had realized it, she had come to love him so completely.
Memories continued to waltz through her mind, and she remembered his face, the angry scowls he directed toward anyone who confused or discomforted him, the arrogant smirks he sported as he reveled in any moment his strength was superior, the bitter expression of hatred that twisted his features as he came face to face with his clan's discrimination of him, the shadow of pain that crossed his visage whenever he recalled his painful past.
But most of all, it was the little changes she remembered the most, his light, awkward smiles, his shy blushes, the way his eyes would soften when he thought no one was watching, his radiant expression in his Shishou's presence, one of the few moments of happiness he allowed others to see, the intensity of his love as he gazed down at her, as he kissed her for the first and last times. His flushed face, sweat-soaked hair plastered against his forehead, as he towered over her, moving them both in a dance of love and pleasure as he made love to her the night before graduation.
With every day that passed, she saw more and more of Kyou in their son. Katsuya grew quickly, and with each year he grew older, he became more and more his father's mirror. It was there in his hair, a vibrant fiery color that nearly glowed beneath the sunlight, it was in the same strong profile, the shape of his jaw and nose, the brillant amber red of his eyes. Katsuya Sohma grew older, and with each passing year, he became more a reflection of everything she had lost.
And in the eve of their son's fourth birthday, nothing of her longing for Kyou had lessened.
It had been a night nearly a year before their graduation, before their lives had become so darkened by revelations and the ever looming shadow of his imprisonment. They were both seventeen, and still so shy around one another. It had been a strange phase, caught between knowing and wondering how the other felt, struggling between the trepidation and elation that warred inside at the thought of the love they both felt.
She had come out to sit beside him on the roof, beneath the starry expanses of the sky. She was grateful for the dark capable of hiding her blush as she slipped her hand into his, their hands entwining without preamble, tightly, reassuringly.
The air grew cooler, taking on a biting edge she had not prepared for. He had caught notice of her trembling, shaking his head with a light of amusement in his eyes, wrapping his jacket around her slight frame as he gently rapped his knuckles against her forehead, reprimanding her for being foolish.
He had gazed down at her, his eyes warm but unreadable, his arm around her shoulders, trying to provide what warmth he could. "You're always taking care of the rest of us. It wouldn't hurt to worry about yourself from time to time too."
She felt her face warm with mortification, but she smiled as she hesitantly moved closer to him, leaning her head against his shoulder. He glanced down at her, momentarily startled before relaxing at her proximity, turning his eyes back to the stars above them.
"…Kyou-kun…?"
"Hmm?"
"Have you…have you ever thought about children?"
"Children?"
"Yes. I don't mean children in general, but children of your own. Have you ever thought about it?"
"No…I've never really thought about it. My…future, Tohru, I try not to give it much thought. And I really don't think I'd be fit as a father. Could you really see me as a parent?"
"Hai, I could."
"Really?"
"Hmm…you have a very kind heart, Kyou-kun, and you greatly care for the people who matter to you. I think that is all you would need. You would be a wonderful father."
He leaned his head against hers, casting wondering eyes down at her. "You really think so?"
"Hmm-mm."
He smiled fondly, tightening his arms around her. "You'd be a lot better at it than I would, Tohru. You were just born to be a mother."
He watched her blink sleepy eyes, felt her smile as she nestled deeper into his half-embrace. "What brought all this up?" he asked gently.
She sighed softly. "I was just thinking. I see Hiro-san and Kisa-san growing up so fast, and I see Hiro-san with his new sister, and it makes me wonder. I think about my mom, and I wonder what it would be like to have a child, if I would be a good mother."
He brushed a light kiss against the crown of her head, grateful for the drowsy state that could banish both their shyness. "You would be a fantastic mother, Tohru. You can believe that. By the way, what would you rather have? A son or a daughter?"
"I don't really know, either one would be wonderful. I think as long as the baby was healthy, it wouldn't matter. What about you, Kyou-kun?"
"Hmm…I think, like you said, that it wouldn't matter as long as he or she was healthy, and I wouldn't mind a son. But…I think…I would really like a daughter."
A daughter, Tohru…just as sweet as you.
xx
"Horsey! Horsey, Yuki-jiisan."
Yuki Sohma grinned as Katsuya's exuberant shout echoed through the early February air, followed by gleeful laughter as he bent forward to allow the child to launch onto his back. He leaped back up, jostling the boy on his back, eliciting a giggle from his nephew.
"Katsuya-kun! Sohma-san!"
Both Sohma males glanced back balefully to see the head of Katsuya's nursery school, a tall, wiry woman with wire-rimmed glasses perched upon the end of a hawk-like nose, a stern countenance furthered by thin lips twisted into a disapproving frown as she shook a finger at them. "Please, Sohma-san, refrain from such horseplay on school grounds."
As Yuki nodded submissively, maintaining his best repentant expression, the woman favored them both with a satisfied nod, turning away to shout at a nearby group of children. Yuki lifted the young boy off his back, his expression changing into an exaggerated imitation of the woman's stern visage and her wagging finger. Katsuya broke down in a fit of snickers.
Attempting to shush the boy in fear of rousing the attention once more of the demonic woman, Yuki caught sight of another woman approaching them from across the schoolyard, the youngest of the four women who ran the nursery school.
She watched them with an amused smile, highlighting a pretty face accented by almond-shaped green eyes and long black hair pulled back into a modest ponytail. A slim, athletic figure caught his eye, outfitted in a casual but stylish pair of black dress pants and lavender blouse.
She caught his eye, and as she offered him a friendly wave, he noticed the other arm occupied by what seemed to be a clay figure of some kind. He eyed it curiously before returning her wave, glancing down to see Katsuya's excited smile, genuinely happy to see his favorite teacher.
Miya Reika, twenty years old, attractive, single, half-American, a native of Tokyo, a sophomore in college, studying to be a teacher. Loves dogs, books, and children; works part-time at Katsuya's school as a way to pay for classes.
Yuki mentally winced, as his mind continued to offer the facts he had learned about the woman in the year and a half since their first meeting. Like the professor in his psychology classes loved to emphasize, a person should look for the signs of the subconscious speaking. On his part, his mind could not be more blatantly obvious.
Pulled back from the reflections he had indulged in while watching Katsuya excitedly talking with his teacher, Yuki responded to Reika's soft-spoken question with an apologetic smile. "Gomen nasai, Miya-san, I did not hear you. I was lost in thought."
Reika returned the smile, putting Yuki in danger of blushing like a schoolboy as he realized just how pretty she was. "It's alright, Sohma-san. I was just asking how you were."
"Oh, I'm fine. How are you, Miya-san? Are your classes alright?"
"Hai, they're very good. Thank you for asking. Sohma-san, you are finishing up your last semester, aren't you?"
Yuki nodded. "I've already started on my ending thesis project, and if all goes well, I should be able to graduate relatively soon."
"What is your thesis on?"
"Ah, the effect of sodium levels on transcription, most specifically on the synthesis of messenger RNA and DNA."
"Oh, is that a continuation of your article that Takaishi-sensei published?"
He blinked, regarding her with mild surprise. "You've read it?"
"Hai. Takaishi-sensei suggested it to me as a reference for my last term paper. It was very brillant, Sohma-san."
"You really thought so?"
"Hai." She smiled again. "It was a very enjoyable read."
"A-arigatou." He internally groaned as he felt his face warm. By the gods, he was no better than a teenager. "How…how do you know Takaishi-sensei, Miya-san?"
"Oh, I'm majoring in biology as well as teaching. Takaishi-sensei teaches several of the classes on my curriculum."
"I see." Curiously, his eyes rested on ceramic figure in her hands, the shape disguised by her palm, he was now close enough to make out the blatant orange color. "Miya-san? May I ask what that is?"
"Oh." She smiled bashfully, holding up the object in question. "This is Katsuya-kun's latest project."
In her palm, she held a ceramic figure of a cat, an extremely well made model in term of the creator being a three-year-old boy, painted in bright orange. Yuki could not suppress his shocked expression, nor the feeling of irony that welled up inside, at the extreme resemblance to Kyou's zodiac form.
"Sohma-san? Are you alright?"
Nodding his head, Yuki did his best to manage a reassuring smile. "Hai, I'm fine. Just caught in a sudden memory. Thank you for your concern, Miya-san."
This time, it was her turn to blush, and the subtle flush to her features was positively endearing. You know you're noticing, Sohma. Why deny it?
Ignoring the nagging voice and the twisting sensation in his own gut, Yuki glanced down at a sudden tug at his shirttail, to find his nephew's excited face. "Yuki-jiisan, did you see my project? Miya-sensei said it was very good! It looks just like Neko, doesn't it?"
At the mention of Katsuya's own gray-striped tabby, Yuki glanced at the cat figure with a puzzled frown. "But, Katsuya-kun, it does look like Neko, but why is it orange?"
Placing a finger against his chin in thought, Katsuya seemed to deliberate his answer. "Well…I wanted to paint it the color of my hair. Neko's a really boring color for an art project, don't you think? And Nezumi's black, so I didn't want to do that. Do you think Kaasan will like it anyway, even if it's not the right color?"
Intrigued as he always was by the fact that the boy had chosen to name his pets after his two favorite characters from the zodiac legends his mother told as bedtime stories, it took Yuki a moment to focus and answer. "…You plan to give the neko to your mother?"
"Hai!"
Yuki smiled, reaching down to ruffle fiery hair. "Your mother will love anything you make her. Well, Katsuya-kun, are you done saying goodbye to your friends?"
"Yep." He glanced back, perfecting the perfect woeful expression. "We'll meet again someday, I suppose.
Shaking his head at the dramatic antics, Yuki held out a hand to him, reminding himself not to let the boy spend so much time around Shigure. "You'll see them tomorrow. We'd better go though. Your mother's probably waiting for you with dinner. Miya-san, it was a pleasure seeing you again. I hope everything continues to go well for you at the university."
Was it just he, or did she suddenly seem disappointed? "The same to you, Sohma-san. See you tomorrow, Katsuya-kun."
"Sayonara, Miya-sensei."
What the hell is wrong with you, Sohma! She's pretty, she's young, she's smart, she's interested in your work, and she's damn well interested in you! Be a man for once!
His back stiffening, Yuki stopped, his mouth gone dry and his heart suddenly thundering. Turning back hesitantly, he was elated to see Reika still there, watching them. "Uh…um…Miya-san, I was…that is…I was hoping…I was wondering if you might like to go to dinner with me sometime?"
She smiled at him, and his nervous state took hold of his thoughts, causing him to wonder initially if it was flattery or mockery in that smile.
"I'd love to, Sohma-san."
And the world suddenly seemed a little brighter.
"Yuki-jiisan?"
"Hai, Katsuya-kun?"
"What took you so long?"
xx
When they finally arrived at her and Katsuya's apartment half an hour later, Tohru was her usual cheerful self as she greeted them both, motherly hugs and earnest questions about school for Katsuya and a light touch to the shoulder and a kiss on the cheek for Yuki. She delighted in the ceramic cat, and Yuki was not surprised when he saw a brief shadow cross through her eyes, gone as quickly as it had appeared.
As Katsuya went to play with the cats that meandered around his feet, Yuki could not resist her invitation to stay for dinner, indulging amiably in small talk, as she worked her way around the kitchen with skillful ease.
"How are your classes, Yuki-kun? Are they going all right?"
"Yes, thank you, Tohru. My classes are going fine. How is work?"
"Oh, just fine. Yamada-san was very kind to offer me the job, and I think I'm adjusting very well."
"That's good to hear. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"If you wouldn't mind? You could slice the carrots, Yuki-kun."
As he moved to get to work, he glanced at her through the corner of his eye. She seemed content as usual, but appearances could be deceiving. He mulled over how best to approach the topic. "So…I couldn't help but notice how proud Katsuya-kun is of his cat."
She smiled, her eyes turned away from him. "Yes, he is. He tells me all the time how much he loves the cat of zodiac."
"Like mother, like son."
She met his eyes then, and he could see clearly a familiar whisper of pain. "I don't mean to bring up old wounds, Tohru. I just want to make sure that you are alright."
"I'm okay, Yuki-kun. It doesn't hurt to talk about him so much anymore."
She was lying through her teeth, and he knew it. So why did he want to believe so desperately that she really was all right? "So, you've told him the story of the zodiac?"
She nodded, turning back to her cooking pots. "Yes. The same story my mother told me, and a little more."
"A little more?"
"Hai…about a very lucky girl who met the animals of the zodiac, and had many adventures with them. Along the way, she saw many changes come about between them, and in the end, she came to love them so dearly."
His face softened. "They came to care for you, too, Tohru. Very much."
The room was enveloped in silence for several minutes as they both concentrated on their tasks. If he caught the hint of tears in her eyes, he did not comment, watching as she blinked them away to turn back to him with a warm smile. "Is there anything new happening in your life, Yuki-kun?"
"…Yes, actually. I...I...uh…I asked out a young woman today. She seemed interested in going out with me."
"That's wonderful, Yuki-kun. You've been so busy with your schoolwork, I was beginning to worry. I'm glad you've met someone."
"So am I."
As she called Katsuya and Yuki assisted her in carrying out the dishes, she suddenly turned back to him with a thoughtful frown. "You should come for dinner more often, Yuki-kun. I've greatly missed having you around, and I'm know Katsuya-chan feels the same."
This time, his smile was genuine. "I'll be sure to do that, Tohru."
xx
In his home on the Sohma estate, Shigure reclined back in his favorite chair with a sigh of relief, tiredly rubbing his eyes as he regarded the finished chapters in front of him, prompted to actually finish his work by the endless nagging of his dear editor.
Grinning as a sudden thought crossed his mind, he kicked up his feet against the desk, reaching for the phone to dial a familiar number.
The tired, sharp voice on the other end only added to his mirth. "Sohma."
"Haa-san, how nice of you to pick up?"
A low groan of irritation. "What do you want, Shigure?"
"Do I need an excuse to call my favorite physician?"
"Shigure, I've been up three days straight and I've yet to get a decent cup of coffee. If you don't try being serious for once, I'll personally come over there and finish the job that might finally put an end to the misery of the poor girl who serves as your editor."
"You realize that if you kill me, Haa-san, you'll be disappointing so many of my fans."
"Just get to the point, Shigure."
"Ah. I just called to remind you that Kat-chan's birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and I'm organizing a surprise party for the dear boy."
"Shouldn't you leave things like that to Honda-kun?"
"Nonsense! The child is family after all."
Another sigh. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I was actually going to call you myself. Akito…Akito has become worse, Shigure, nearly overnight. She's asking for you."
No reply.
"Shigure? Are you still there?"
"I'm here, Hatori. I'll be right there."
xx
Several Weeks Later…
Rin lay spooned against her lover, nestled securely in strong arms, the cold of the season no match for the heat radiating from his body. She rested her head in the curve of his neck, breathing in the familiar scent of him, warm and rich.
She had always loved to watch him sleep, ever since they were children and he would sneak into her room and keep her company in the night to chase away her nightmares. His face was relaxed in his sleep, and she could forget the ageless intensity of his eyes, and see him for how young he really was.
She brushed her hands against his naked skin, warm and sleek, ghosting her hand over his abdomen and chest, feeling the subtle play of muscles in the now-adult body, remembering well the way it felt to have him pressed against her, in the past and in the present.
The feeling came as subtly as a storm, as if to respond to the rolling of thunder in the distance to be heard outside the window, chasing away the content silence of the bedroom. She felt the sudden tension in the air, the smothering sensation of the darkness, and the mix of fear, anger, horror, terror, and pain of loss that culminated in an ache in her chest.
Beside her, Haru stirred, shooting up and instinctually reaching for her as his body visibly trembled in the wake of horrible feeling. "R-Rin." He stammered her name, his voice hoarse and breathless. "Rin, do you feel it?"
"Yes, I feel it. Haru, what's going on?"
He took in a shuddering breath, his body tense and shaking violently as he pulled her tight against him, refusing to relinquish his hold. "It's Akito, Rin, can't you feel it? She's dying…"
With his words, an eruption of sensation centered in her chest, causing her to gasp as the incredibly vast chasm of loss enveloped her, the anger and outrage whirling around in her mind until the feeling became physically painful. Crying out softly, she clung to Haru, her body shuddering in unison with his own.
She struggled to form coherent thought, concentrating on the feel of Haru beside her, the strength of his arms, the warmth of his body, fighting the compulsion she knew must be warring ten times worse inside of him. He was, after all, closer to their god than she had ever been.
However strong his compulsion, Haru fought valiantly, holding her so tightly his arms were like iron around her slighter frame, but she did not care, as long as they could both cling to one another, and fight back the compelling urge to run to their god's side.
His mouth crushed over hers, rough and desperate, and she returned his kiss just as earnestly, struggling to breath as he buried his face in her hair, the lingering trace of his tears wet against her skin, as he whispered nonsense words of despair and love combined, clinging to her tightly as his very last hope.
And as that last feeling of desperation passed, followed by an emptiness so wide and empty she bit her lip to keep from crying herself, Haru violently convulsed, a single howl ripping from his throat until his voice went raw. He collapsed back against her, a trembling mess of tears and weakened limbs. He reached for her hands, their palms pressing together and fingers tightly enlacing.
"Rin," he whispered, "Rin, Rin, Rin." Her name became a mantra, as he gazed down at her, his eyes haunted and emptier than she had ever seen.
She could not suppress her own tears any longer as they flooded from her eyes, as she choked out a sob. "Still here, Haru. Still here."
xx
In Akito's private chambers, four of the remaining male Jyuunishi shared in Haru's emptiness and despair, their emotional response tempered by their obedience as they stayed at their god's side for her last moments among the living.
Kureno, Shigure, and Hatori stood against the back wall, the shadows in the room too dark for their expressions to be deciphered. Yuki knelt at Akito's side; his own tears silent, the tremors coursing through him barely noticeable with his close proximity to the clan head. He closed her eyelids gently, bowing his head over her body, the memory forever imprinted into his mind of Akito's last moment in the mortal realm, her fevered eyes locked on his, hand clinging to him as she breathed her last shattering breath.
None of the older men dared to move closer, giving him his moment, their internal responses mixtures of weariness, jealousy, and relief at Akito's preference to have her favored nezumi at her side. Kureno gazed at them both, unblinking, unable to discern the difference between the strange emotions that warred inside. At his side, Hatori irritably ran his fingers through his long hair, visibly agitated at Yuki's previous demand.
"Yuki, you don't understand the ramifications of what you're asking! Give us some time, and perhaps we can-"
"I'm not asking, Hatori," the nezumi responded, the uncharacteristic biting edge to his voice a reflection of his inner irritation. He was twenty-two, and no child to be ordered around or manipulated. "Release him, Shigure, Hatori, before the rest of us do it for you."