Title: The Heroes, The Losers and the Guardians
Theme: Set #1, Theme #15 - Golden Age
Genre: Humor/General
Pairings: Mentions of Ruri/Hari and Mezu-- Suijin
Word Count: 1,141
Rating: PG
Summary: Golden Ages were never easy...

In the faraway land of Ancient Japan, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. But what makes a great hero, or in our case, a great heroine? Well that is what our story is...

"Now wait a second, isn't this story about us?"

"Yah- look at the title there, Narrator. It says- 'Gozu and Mezu' not...well whoever it is you're talking about."

But Rumiko Takahashi has recorded the deeds of a girl who traveled back in time-

"Rumiko, Shemiko- I don't care if it's a miko! This is our story. We had to call in a lot of favors to get an author crazy enough to write about us."

"Mezu's right. This is our story, so tell it right!"

Ahem. Well, if you really insist.

"We do, now start over."

Start over?

"Yes- that golden age thing. Just think about it, doesn't 'The golden age of Gozu and Mezu' have a nice ring to it?"

"Yah Narrator- narrate us out of this stupid job!"

I'm not sure if I have the power to do that, you'll be needed in manga chapter 299.

"Then narrate us to that chapter or something."

"Can you narrate me a date with Suijin?"

Now wait a minute here- I'm the narrator, you're the characters. You're supposed to do what I tell you to!

"I think someone got up on the wrong side of the futon..."

If I wanted to, I could narrate you both into dating the cannibal women and let Suijin hook up with someone else...

Gozu and Mezu looked momentarily shocked at the threat, then they edged back to their pedestals in the cave.

"Fine fine- have it your way..."

"Yah, but you'd better make it a good story. This arguing with the narrator gag can't last forever."

Very well then- let us begin...

The Heroes, The Losers and the Guardians
Many eons ago, before the realms of land truly formed, there were the almighty gods of the world. These gods set up a complex system for running things. In this golden age, the people of the earth gave offerings to the gods- riches and foods to keep them satisfied. Little did the mortals know, that the foods were just because the gods were too lazy to cook and the riches went to pay for the Heaven-wide DSL cable internet.

During this age, there were many heroes- their noble blood driving them to do heroic deeds. And then there were those who wished to be heroes- and failed miserably.

But in this hectic world of gods, heroes and losers- there were two 'men' that had their share of all three. They were employed by the gods, they were faced by many a brave hero, and as their skeleton-littered cave showed, their were those who weren't as brave as they thought they were.

These were the guardians- the noble hell beasts who stood at the gates to hell. Keeping those that had died in and keeping others out.

At least...that's what they were supposed to be doing...

"Keep that spot clear for what?" Gozu retorted with a frown, glaring at the way Mezu had blocked off the warmest and driest corner of the cave.

"For my big-screen TV, that's what!"

Walking across the stone floor, Gozu knocked on Mezu's head.

"I think your brains have turned to stone without the rest of you, because otherwise you'd remember that you don't HAVE a TV; let alone a big-screen."

"But I'm going to be getting one," He said confidently.

"Oh? And how pray-tell are you going to do that? Our job pays nothing and we can't leave here to get other jobs, so we're stuck with minimum wage."

"I have my ways..."

"Please tell me this isn't another of your great plans, like your little attempt to play Buddha awhile back when we visited China."

"But those two girls were hot!"

"They were lesbians!"

"Then what were they doing with that moth-guy?"

Gozu rubbed at his temples, "Mezu, do you have absolutely no idea how to tell a gay guy from a straight guy? Of course they were with him, he's not going to hit on him- or do something so mind-blowingly stupid like trying to play Buddha to get in bed with them!"

"Hey now, who said I just wanted to get in bed with them?"

"Mezu, you don't walk up to just anyone and tell them, 'Hiya ladies. I happen to be a stone man who could use a little company.' You're as bad as Zouchoten!"

"Now that was just low!" Mezu yelled back, reaching out and grabbing a handful of Gozu's collar, "Take that back, right now!"

"No. You know it's true, so just stop denying it. Your hormones are out of control."

"You're just jealous because you aren't getting any!"

"Oh please, not this again..."

"When's the last time, Gozu- huh? When?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

Mezu smirked, reaching into his pocket and producing a slip of paper.

"Last night, Gozu. Or with your hangover did you forget how I got Suijin's phone number?"

"It looked more like she was trying to pretend she was interested in you so everyone else would stop hitting on her. I mean seriously, Mezu, she's just using you so Zouchoten doesn't try to skinny dip in her waters again."

"She actually liked me, couldn't you... wait, Zouchoten did that?"

Gozu nodded, "After the eighteenth round of ambrosia, he got a bit tipsy."

"Um...ewww."

"Yah, so that's the only reason she gave you her phone number. It's not like you'll call her anyways."

Mezu angrily sat down on his pedestal, "What do you mean I won't call her? Do you take me for an ass?"

Gozu picked up the horse mask and tossed it at him, "You could have had me fooled."

"Gozu..."

"Mezu. Let's try using your brain, just this once. How are you going to call her?"

"On the phone, stupid!"

"Mezu...we don't have a phone. Or a big-screen TV, or any nice electronics whatsoever. You can't call her, watch tv or do anything until we save up years worth of our paychecks!"

Mezu blinked as that all sank in, then his eyebrows furrowed in thought.

"What if we spent our first paycheck on some gold paint..."

"Gold paint?"

"If we start painting the cave gold, then maybe we can get some people to give us money to visit it."

"This isn't the cave of wonders, Mezu. The golden age is over anyways..."

"It is? Since when?"

"Since the author got tired of typing out our bickering."

"Oh."

And so, the golden age of Gozu and Mezu ended rather quickly- all quashed by Gozu's logic about gold paint and interior decorating. But little did the two know what adventures would await them in the ages to come...