Lately I haven't been at my happiest, so it leaked into my writing. Inspired by the song 'My Skin' by Natalie Merchant and the quote in the beginning is from said song. This might break your heart a bit, but I'm very pleased with how this came out.
Untouchable; by Corrupted-Phoenix.
I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable…
There were a lot of things that I wish I hadn't done and a lot of things I wish I hadn't said throughout our relationship, but we always wound up okay. However, now there are things I wished that I had said before it all ended.
Now that I think about it, neither one of us said it before did we? Were we really that stubborn? Were we really that stupid, that clueless?
It was painfully clear and easy for us both to see.
I remember you telling me that it's not always easy to say what we feel, no matter how true those feelings are. You explained to me how words can't express something so complex as an emotion, but how actions could.
Then, your mouth was on mine before the subject could be pursued, and you pushed me down on your bed and kissed me breathless. I still remember the warmth of your skin against my own cold body and the way you were so unusually gentle with me.
That night was the first time you made love to me. We would scream and whimper each other's name and I would throw my arms around your shoulders, afraid to let go; but we never said much else afterwards. I understood your words when you collapsed by my side, panting.
I believed them then.
I know the ways to express love through actions now because of you, but not of how to voice them. I never really thought I would need to, but now I honestly wonder why it was so hard to just say three simple words. Just because we made love didn't mean we felt it. Why couldn't we speak, Roy?
I know it's too late now for an answer from you.
I've been in pain ever since you left, you know. Our happy memories are worse than our bad ones; they've become surreal, hideous and sweet. Every touch or word I recall makes me want to die, but somehow it's those memories that keep me alive.
It's like you're a ghost, haunting me where ever I go.
The kitchen; catching on fire what was supposed to be a romantic dinner for the two of us.
The living room; curling up on the couch by the fireplace to nap instead of study.
The library; searching for the research I hid on you.
The backyard; getting back at me by hiding my boots in the rosebush.
The bathroom; trying to hide the gray hairs with dye.
The guest room; trying to make it look presentable five minutes before my brother's arrival.
The foyer; coming inside with sopping clothes from the storm outside.
The study; desperately studying for your assessment tomorrow afternoon.
The hallway; tripping over the phone cord and knocking a picture off the wall.
The stairs; the only place I could stand taller than you.
The attic; storing another box of useless things you insist are important. (Yet never go back to get it.)
The bedroom; throwing pillows at each other and accidentally breaking something on the dresser.
It's an ever-present comfort that hurts no matter what I do or think. How am I supposed to express my emotions through actions instead of words when there's no one around? Hell, I can't express them through words either! What am I supposed to do now? You weren't supposed to leave like that, damnit.
And sadly, it's only now that I realize how strong my feelings for you were - no, are - and it's only now that I know actions aren't, will never be enough. I've had to learn to voice it on my own, so it will come out bluntly but honestly.
I love you.
I know you hear me. I just wish I could hear you say the same thing, too.
It's your fault that I'm hurting; but somehow I'm not shocked to realize I'm still in love with you. The only thing that terrifies me is all the dawning realizations.
That I might never have you to hold ever again, I might never have you love me ever again, I might never kiss you ever again, I might never see you smile my way ever again, I might never spend another night with you ever again, I might never spend my life with you, I might never dance with you ever again, I might never hear your sweet, whispered words ever again and I might never have you by my side ever again.
I know that, all of that. But I can't help but remember and love you – even though you are no longer mine.
And no matter how close I get to you, you won't respond. How would you even know I'm there? All that remains of you now is a casket I wish was never needed, rotting away under the soil beneath my feet and a cold chunk of stone that reads your name and stupid military things that don't matter.
I'm sorry that I - that we - didn't realize all these things until now. Your theory was wrong, actions can't always replace speaking. There aren't any actions I can use now to express anything. All I know is that I miss and love you dreadfully.
And you're wrong again, Roy.
Emotions aren't as complex as you thought.