A birthday or two went by and I found myself standing in silence on the edge of town looking out into the water. I saw the waves crash and recede in and out of my life, each one daring me to embrace the abyss. A gentle hand always found my shoulder, but before I realized the inevitable I found my hand upon hers as I turned and looked into her eyes.
Those eyes stared deep into me, even in the darkness I could see their glint, their intentions. What I wanted, I could never just request. What I needed, I could never just hint to her, but she wanted with sheer clarity and needed something I could never admit to having.
I envied her openness and strength as I blinked away my stare into a thought of insecurity. I slowly took my hand off hers and a question popped into my head. Why? My hand was not so uncomfortable there upon hers, she comforted me, I had long known now that I liked the comfort.
I had long known now that her presence has grown on me, but here I am now without an idea in my head as to what it was I wanted or needed. I was empty, but I wasn't sad. She sat beside me and waited patiently as always for me. I was here with her, I was important to her. She? She was important to me, yes.
"Shizuru…" I spoke softer than I intended, but I couldn't change it.
"Yes?"
Her voice was always gentle to me, it was as if there was nothing I could do to change her view of me, no matter how much I disagreed with it, no matter how much it pained me to understand it. "I… need to know… eh….," I tried to speak, but the air escaped my lips without a sound. I turned to her and watched her face in the pale moonlight.
She just sat there without a word, the smile on her face spoke more than anything she could ever say. I knew why. Often she'd ask me in her subtle ways if there was anything she could do for me, study, hang out, shop for underwear, but this time I was on the phone looking out at the sunset without even realizing what time it was. She asked me if she could come over and I…
"Shizuru, tell me… what do you see…. In me."
"I see you, silly." She must have smiled more. I blinked at her response and knew I couldn't get any more details from her now.
"What do you see, Natsuki?"
"I… you are kind, decisive, caring, pr…"
"I meant in yourself." She laughed a bit, but stopped herself. I must have blushed, I knew my eyes were wide open.
"I..I..I… I don't know." I turned away from her now completely embarrassed. She seemed to enjoy doing this to me, but maybe I brought it on myself.
"Why did you invite me, Natsuki?"
"I… it just happened, it's late," I turned to her, "it's late now, should I not have invited you now?"
"This you ask of me? I don't need to sleep…" she waited long enough for me to react, she knew I would, "just yet."
"I… I don't want to rush into something I don't understand."
"Do you not understand or do you not... understand?"
"I… don't know."
"Do you not know or do you not want to know?"
"I… don't know." I put my hands to my face in frustration. I felt her hand upon my shoulder once again, this time squeezing a bit.
"Its ok, I was like this once."
"You were?"
She looked me right in the eyes, I hadn't realized how close we were now, but I waited. I wanted to know.
"Most of my life there were men, boys really, in love with me. For some it was my hair, others my looks and yet others my upbringing and voice. I dated them sometimes." She smiled and took note of my face once more. "It wasn't bad, but I received nothing from it. Nothing substantial. I had hoped they were no more than pawns to me. I know better now."
I waited for her explanation, I didn't think she meant harm to them.
"Looking back, they were good boys. I was just a naughty girl."
I smirked at the remark and she smiled once again. Somehow my fears were subsiding, we talked like this before, but somehow this time it meant something to me.
"May I ask of you something, Natsuki?"
"Yes."
"May I kiss you?"
I swallowed hard at the question, I knew she was forward, always strong and maybe, just maybe, "Shizuru, how can you be so forward like that?"
"Because I love you, I have no reason to hold back on such simple gestures."
"L…" I swallowed again. I heard her say it many times now, but it hits me harder than I'd like. "Love?"
"Yes." She was so calm and sweet as the day I met her.
"Natsuki, if you do not wish it, then I'll push no more than this."
"No that's not it…" I blinked as the words slipped from my mouth. My thoughts emptied at once when I did that. What was it then?
"Needing something isn't so difficult. We all need something and sometimes it's the same thing. What we have is what we can offer. What we offer is what we have even if what we have seems like nothing."
"I… could seek what I need wherever I'd like, right?"
"I would be sad if you left me." Her voice didn't drop somehow.
"I… "
"If you can not find the answers in words, would you not prefer to find them in action?"
"I would prefer action, yes, but here, like this I can't get myself to do anything."
"Anything, what is it you wish to do?"
"I'm not sure."
"May I show you then?"
"Show me?" I blinked as she drew closer, I could feel her breath upon my lips and my brow quivered in a nervous twitch. My heart was beating faster, but I couldn't say why. Surely I was afraid, that had to be it, but, why?
I had kissed her before, my own choice I made without a second thought. It was the only way to get her to see me for who I was in her blinded love for me. She awoke so easily when I did that and I was ever grateful she was not as blind as she could have been.
The kiss, I did enjoy it, but for only a kiss. I hadn't kissed since before my mother drove off that cliff. Was someone like my mother what I sought? I couldn't rationalize it like that. Somehow that felt like a lie.
I wanted something, someone close to me, anyone, but I couldn't open myself to them, I couldn't even open up to myself.
"Natsuki, is this ok?" she must have sensed my doubt. I blinked and looked her in the eyes. I didn't give her a response. She kissed me on the lips without hesitation or fear. My own faded and I closed my eyes.
No battles, no strife, no facing death here. We kissed and I was glad…. If only for a kiss.
"Natsuki, I confess, I am not confident in myself."
"Shizuru…" She kept her hand upon my face and I placed a hand upon hers there. I had to comfort her, somehow.
"I love you, I've loved you since I first saw you in the garden. I know that now." Her eyes captivated me and my expression must have softened. "I know you care for me, you enjoy being with me. I know this, but, I confess I find it hard to be with you, sometimes."
"Please, I'll listen."
"Thank you, Natsuki," she smiled and I couldn't help smiling in return. Her expression was saddened, but soft. She wasn't depressed, maybe troubled, or nervous?
She turned away for a moment and took a deep breath. She put her other hand upon my cheek and held my face there. Her face was inches from mine now. I could feel her presence, I could smell her aroma. I was calm, curious, a bit concerned.
"I want to show you my love for you, maybe… maybe if you can not find the words…" she took another breath as her hands lessened their grip. I held her hand upon my cheek where I held it to reassure her. She was troubled.
She look back into my eyes and smiled faintly. Her grip returned, I could feel her tremble a bit, hear the uneasiness in her voice even as she tried to remain firm. "Maybe you can show.. or I can feel… or…"
"You want more than a kiss, don't you?" I found myself asking, I didn't mean for it to be hard sounding, but she shied away and let go of my face. I held onto her hand and held it between both of mine. "Stay, it's ok."
"Ok"
"I mean, I…"
"I won't push you, Honestly I scare myself knowing what I am capable of."
"Don't concern yourself with that. Its not like that anymore. You… you didn't do much to me, I mean I can't remember it all that well."
"I kissed you, many times, your warm still body. I stripped you…" her words fell from her mouth as her eyes took to where I held her.
"Look at my eyes, Shizuru."
She looked and saw my expression hadn't changed. She smiled and continued. "I saw you, all of you, I kissed you, felt you…"
"Its ok."
"I held you all that night, I could barely sleep. I…" her voice cracked as her eyes watered.
I took her hand and kissed it. "I forgave you back then, it hasn't changed. Please be strong for me."
She pulled her hand away and hugged me tightly, she sobbed into my shoulder and I put my hand upon her back. "Its ok, one of these days, I might say yes."
"I know, I always thought so, but don't do it for me."
"…"
"Do it for yourself, because you want it."
"Ok."