Ch 2

Throughout the day, Jack was able to blow off each of Kate's attempts to corner him. As his excuses got lamer and lamer Kate's expression grew darker and darker. He didn't know why he did it really, it was just staying the inevitable. He'd have to talk to her eventually, they'd have to figure out their next move. Right now they were lodged firmly in limbo – he preferred that to the concrete knowledge of what they would do next. At least this way there was still a chance that whatever they did do, they would at least be together.

Finally late in the day she approached him again. He was crouched in front of a low cupboard, counting medical supplies. She stood over him, her legs spread slightly. He didn't even look at her. Somehow he just knew that her arms were folded across her chest and her jaw was firmly clenched. "Got a sec?" she said, she didn't try to hide the irritation in her voice.

He made a show of looking at his watch as he stood and faced her. "I really don't. I have to…"

But she didn't care. She knew exactly what he was doing. She threw out her hands in frustration and turned away form him. "That's fine, I'll talk to you later." She said as she walked away.

Jack watched her go and opened his mouth to call her back, but he couldn't think of what to say, he suddenly didn't know how to talk to her anymore.

He tried to remember the last time he couldn't find the right words around her, and all he could come up with was when she had come to LA. But that had been so so different. There was no comparison really. The giddy awkwardness of that day was so far removed from the sour feeling in the pit of his stomach today. He didn't even feel like the same person.

He cleaved to that memory, telling himself that they were the same people and they felt the same way.

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He had struggled into consciousness from deep deep sleep, he couldn't remember his dream but he knew she was in it. He had said "Kate" into the phone. To this day he still had no idea if it was the residual effects of his dream that had made him say it or if somehow he had actually known it was her.

She had called from a pay phone in Chatsworth. The bus she was taking had made a stop there and she had called to let him know she was coming in to LA, would he pick her up?

"Um, yeah." He had half laughed into the phone. "I think I can manage that."

He could hear her smile as she told him what time the bus was due to arrive. Then she gave him instructions, how to make sure he wasn't being watched or followed, how if he even thought he might be he shouldn't come get her at all.

The conversation had been rushed, not at all what he wanted their first words to each other to be after so much time.

"Okay, Jack, I gotta go, they're flashing the lights." She had said. Her voice sounded further away. She was probably turning away from the receiver to look at the bus.

"Okay, bye Kate." He said, not wanting to hang up yet, but not having any other choice.

"And Jack," she had paused for the briefest second, "See you in a bit."

He had arrived at the bus station 20 minutes before she was due to get there. And of course, the bus was late. 47 minutes of waiting and pacing and agonizing later, he had seen the bus pull up. He stood watching as passenger after passenger unloaded with no Kate in sight. He leaned against the hood of his Range Rover watching and waiting, willing his heart to stop beating so damn fast. Telling himself that LA was probably where most people got off, all he had to do was be patient. There was no reason to believe that anything cataclysmic had happened to her between Chatsworth and here.

And then there she was.

Behind large round sunglasses.

She had two bags looped over her shoulder and was looking down at the steps, carefully watching her footing. When she reached the ground, she shifted the bags and looked around for him. He was already walking towards her.

She smiled and pushed the glasses back on her head.

"You just had to be the last one off, didn't you?" He said smiling.

She just grinned and shrugged, "Help a girl out Jack." She said as she passed off one of her bags. He took the other one from her as well and she walked with him to the car.

He put the bags in the back then they both stood there for a moment, unsure how to proceed.

"Hi" she said, breaking the silence. She opened her arms and he breathed a laugh and said "Hi" back. He hugged her tight, unable to comprehend that they were actually in the same city in the same parking lot standing on the same patch of broken pavement. He didn't have to wait or worry or wonder anymore. He was almost still missing her as he crushed her into him.

She grazed his cheek lightly and then they both stood looking at each other again. Her hand held the bottom of his light jacket. Then, not knowing what else to do, he clicked the disarm button on his keys and they turned away from each other in unison, heading toward opposite sides of the car.

As he drove, he stole furtive glances at her. He pulled up to a stop light and turned to ask her a question. But he had no idea where to start. He wanted to know everything, where she had been, what she had done, how she was doing. But nothing came out. She had been the only person he'd wanted to talk to for months and now he could think of nothing to say. "How was the bus?" He finally settled on the first lame question that he could think of.

"Green." She said.

"What?" He asked, still looking at her.

She pointed at the stoplight, "Lights green." She repeated.

He looked at it. Yep, that was green. He put his foot on the gas and his question lay abandoned in the silence that followed.

"How's your mom?" Kate asked after a few moments.

Jack nodded, "She's good, she's actually visiting my Aunt in Boston right now." As he said it, he felt like he was 17, telling his girlfriend that his parent's house was empty for the weekend. He grew silent again as he felt a hot blush creep up his neck.

He saw Kate steal a glance as he stole one and they both smiled. "This is weird right?" Kate asked as they pulled up to another stoplight.

"God, yes." Jack said and breathed a sigh of relief, thank god this wasn't all in his head. Then suddenly he knew what the problem was.

When the light turned green he pulled into the right lane and turned into the first driveway. Kate raised her eyebrow, probably wondering what the hell he was doing. "I can fix this." he said. "Get out for a sec."

Kate stared at him. Then looked around. They were in the parking lot of an office building. It was Saturday, so it was completely empty. She turned back to him and opened her mouth, but he cut her off before she could ask.

"I promise it'll only take a minute."

"Alright." She said and opened the passenger door. He got out and circled around to her side of the car.

He stood in front of her and stared at her a minute, then put his hands on her shoulders and moved her slightly to the right.

She crossed her hands in front of her, "Jack, what…" But he took her hands and brought them to his waist. Then he methodically slid a hand along her jaw bringing the other one behind her neck. He gently tilted her head up to look at her. He noticed the spray of freckles along her nose and tried to memorize their configuration. He dragged his eyes to hers and was completely caught up in her irises rapidly shifting back and forth as she looked into both of his eyes. He leaned in and hesitated for just a half second, he wanted to draw it out, take his time.

Then he kissed her. Slow and easy at first but growing increasingly deeper. He kissed her like he hadn't seen her in 6 months and kissing her had been the first thing he thought of in the morning and the last thing he thought at night. And she kissed him back like the mere thought of him had gotten her through every single day since they had said goodbye.

When he pulled back, her eyes were still closed. She blinked, trying to focus. "What was that for?"

He shrugged and took a step back. "Well, we didn't do it back at the station, and it was throwing me off. All the anticipation of 'the reunion kiss' and I fucked it up."

"You definitely didn't fuck that up." She said, still slightly dazed.

"Exactly, cause we fixed it. The pressure is off now." He smiled and opened her door.

As he walked around to the driver's side she followed him in the rearview mirror.

He slipped into his seat and put the keys in the ignition. He turned to her before turning the keys. "You know what else has a lot of pressure attached to it?"

"What?" She asked like she already knew what he was going to say.

"Reunion sex. We could do that now too."

She shoved his shoulder. "Put the car in drive, Jack."

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How had they gone from that to the utter mess of the past couple of days? How had they gotten to this place were they were avoiding each other, making excuses not to talk to each other. How were they going to fix this?

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The bed was pushed up against the taught canvas wall of the tent. It was a small bed in a small space and it created a forced intimacy that neither Jack nor Kate was thrilled with at the moment.

Jack lay on his side facing the canvas wall. Kate lay turned away from him facing the interior of the tent. They were both completely still, covered only by a thin sheet in the hot desert night. Kate knew he wasn't asleep because he was completely silent. There was no consistent shallow breathing punctuated by a thick nasal sigh every fourth breath. She wondered if he knew her sleep sounds well enough to tell that she wasn't asleep either. Probably.

And it was dark, pitch black can't see the hand in front of your face, dark. On the island there had been the ever present light from Sayid's signal fire and even in the caves there had been torches lit at the entrance every night. But here it was so black at night it was unnerving. Especially tonight, there was no moon to filter in the open canvas windows. There was no breeze to quell the intense heat either.

Kate rolled over to face his back. She reached out and put her palm on his bare shoulder blade. "Jack?" She whispered into the night.

No answer.

"Jack, I know your awake." She said it louder.

Jack sighed, "What is it, Kate?"

She moved her hand from his shoulder blade running her hand down his arm and slipped her fingers between his waist and forearm, forcing her way in. Then brought her arm up over his chest and pulled herself closer to him so she was pressed against his back. She felt his body stiffen, but be didn't push her away. She rested her chin on his arm. "Do you remember that day you left? When you had to go see your mother?"

"I think I recall that, yes." He said, his voice tight and reserved. He could feel her hair spilling on to his arm, fluttering with every word she spoke.

"Do you remember what you asked me?"

Jack sighed again. "Not specifically, no."

"You asked me if I knew you were in love with me."

Jack was silent for a moment. "Oh. That." He finally said. He lifted her hand from his chest and tried unsuccessfully to move away from her. "You know Kate, we really should get some sleep. We have an early day tomorrow."

"Right." She said "Just give me five minutes."

"Fine." He said.

Kate took a deep, steadying breath. "Did you ever wonder why I didn't say it back?"

Of course he fucking wondered why she didn't say it back. All the time. He wasn't about to tell her that though.

She waited in silence for a moment. "I'm going to go ahead and take that as a yes."

She waited another moment, giving him the chance to say something, anything so that she didn't feel like she was talking to a brick wall. She knew exactly what his face must look like, staring into the dark, stony and unflinching.

"I didn't say it because I knew if I said anything, I wasn't going to let you go. I'd find a way to make you stay. And I knew you had to go." She felt his chest inhale deeply beneath her hand. "I knew if I didn't say anything, I'd have to see you again, just so I could say it." He shifted his body so he was flat on his back. She saw twin glimmers in the dark, his eyes searching for hers, their moisture caught the dim starlight that came in from the window.

"But when you came…You didn't…" He wished he didn't sound like a five year old.

She was propped up on her elbow, her face directly above his, her other arm still linked in his. She pulled it away and felt for his mouth placing her hand over it, silencing him. "Let me finish." She said. He nodded and she drew her hand back.

She swallowed audibly, then began to speak again. "This is sort of hard to explain, so just bare with me, k?"

She saw the twin glimmers bob and new that he was nodding.

"If I say it, it makes it real. And if I don't say it, it makes it easier."

"Makes what easier, Kate." He said.

She could feel her eyes squeezing shut against her will, her chin began to wobble and she was so glad for the dark for the first time that night. She didn't want to say it to him. It would break his heart.

"In case something happens, because I can't know what I'll need to do next." She said, tying desperately to formulate coherent sentences, to explain exactly what she was thinking with out losing him.

"You're not making sense Kate. What's easier if you don't say it?" He asked.

"It makes it easier to leave you." Her voice was thin and choked and so so sad. And it wasn't his heart that broke, but hers, because she knew she could never leave without him. If she did than nothing after would mean anything at all. Saying it or not saying it wouldn't matter, because of course she loved him, the end result would be the same.

And she couldn't see his eyes anymore. She thought for a second that he must be gone forever. She felt for his face and her fingers collided with his cheeks. She moved her hands up and felt his eyelashes, wet over closed eyes.

"But I do feel it Jack. I feel it so much. Please don't make me go without you. I love you too much." The words spilled out without her consent, she hadn't meant to say them. The extra sentence had snuck in of its own accord. But it was out now and she couldn't take it back. And then she realized she didn't want to take it back.

Then his hands were on her face, the pads of his thumbs tracing her lips. He pulled her to him and he brought his head up to meet her, kissing her softly in the dark. He breathed her in and wrapped his arms around her small frame and pulled them both into a sitting position on the bed. "You're not going anywhere without me." He whispered.