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Chapter Four: Something Lost
Kagome staggered to the ground. She held a hand to her chest, gasping. "Just a bit longer." She murmured before darkness encompassed her.
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Sesshoumaru was furious. Something wasn't adding up, and Shin was the reason. He was sure of it. Kagome…she…His jaw tightened. It wasn't until he had begun to search for her did he realize how very little he knew about her.
Whereas she could read his impassive moods, say the things he was thinking, do and retrieve the things he wanted before he even expressed a desire for it, he could not say the same. He had been Lord since he was a pup. He had been raised with the idea to rule. He had not known much else. When the time came for him to think about others, about his mate, he…hadn't the first clue where to begin. So he had treated her as he had a mere servant. He had given her a higher status, but not much else.
She had left, and she was completely blameless. He had wanted her gone. But with her, she had taken every memory, every shred of her presence, leaving behind only her lingering scent, and that too, had faded with time. Their son was not their son. He was just a copy of the Lord himself. Shin was his offspring, his heir. He possessed none of Kagome's attributes. It looked like he never would.
Sesshoumaru had no idea how Kagome had done it. He had researched in his extensive library. He had sought out youkai soothsayers and human priestesses and monks, but none could undo, nor even explain what Kagome had wrought. It was a testament to her power, and her presence that he had so foolishly discarded.
Shin was a mystery. He knew things about Kagome, could feel the wisps of power she had left for him. Shin was changing as the days passed. He still did not speak, nor smile, but warmth had begun to express itself in his eyes. And Sesshoumaru had noticed, that the more time passed, the larger the shikon shard became. He began to wonder, what would happen when the Shikon was completed. Would Kagome return, or would something worse happen?
From Kagome, he had learned that the Shikon had been brought back into their world from her body. She had broken it, and had quested with Inuyasha to retrieve the pieces. When the jewel was whole again, it was once more returned to her body, but this time, she had absorbed it, becoming one with the jewel. Now, she had separated it from herself, much like she had separated herself from Shin. Still, a connection was between them, one Shin used, growing closer to Kagome, as Sesshoumaru was growing further away. He felt like he was caught in a current, pulling himself away from them. It hurt, he realized. Never before had he ever felt such acute emotional pain.
He was being rejected as he had rejected her.
It was fair, Kagome was never unjust, but were she with him, he would ask that she wouldn't reject him, that she stayed with him, always. Sesshoumaru never asked for anything. He demanded, and it happened. He was a taiyoukai, there was no reason to ask. But for her, he would swallow his pride and ask. There were so many things that he would ask her to do. He would ask her to return, to stay, and to raise their pup with him as it should have been done. He wished for their hanyou son to return. A youkai heir meant so little to him in comparison. He shouldn't have sent her away.
Ten years was far too long to have to live without her once he had become accustomed to her affection. It was like losing a limb, but for youkai, limbs regrew. The wound Kagome had left behind, would not mend. He couldn't heal or deal with the loss. His only option, was to get her back.
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Shin wasn't sleeping. He rarely slept anymore, choosing instead, to sit in that room, and wait for the scent. As soon as the barest wisp of it reached his nose, he was gone, out the window, and racing toward her. He couldn't explain it, but being near her, being with her, made him feel whole. He cherished that feeling. He only wished that she would stay longer. He never knew to where she disappeared He only that he couldn't follow, and that he hoped she would return sooner.
His fingers curled around his gift. The steady pulse of the object reassured him that she would come again, and soon. His hand tightened about it. He didn't know what it was, but his father knew, and he wanted it. However, Shin wouldn't give it up. He would do anything else, give anything else, but his gift. The gift belonged to him, and it was from her. He didn't dare allow anyone else to touch it. The gift was his, and it was warm.
He could feel only coldness from everything else, but her words, her touch, her scent, it was all warmth. He craved it to the point of tears. The pulse of his gift began to beat stronger. He had realized, that when his thoughts became more intense, so did the pulse of his gift. He wasn't sure why, but it made him feel…it made him feel. It was something, and he was content.
He brought his hand to eyelevel and opened his fist. His gift was almost perfectly round now, only a few cracks to indicate its imperfection. It seemed to grow whenever he met her. He wondered what would happen when it became a ball. It would be finished then. Would she stop coming? Would she stay? He hoped it was the latter. It was the only thing he looked forward to. Everything else was passive in his mind. Nothing caused a stir in his emotions except her.
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Kagome beamed at him. She held her hand out, and without hesitation, he laid his gift into her open palm. Her fingers closed about it and he watched in rapt fascination as her hand glowed. When her fingers uncurled, the ball was finished. A perfect sphere. It radiated a warmth Shin could feel without touching it. Tentatively, he reached for the sphere. His fingers brushed against her hand as they closed about the it. His hand was a little too eager though, and one of his claws sliced open her palm. He stared, mortified at the would he had caused.
His face was stoic, but his body was tense. He had wounded her. Would she leave now and never come back? A fear he had never known gripped him. What had he done? He had never felt so horrified. It was all consuming. His insides turned to ice. He couldn't meet her eyes, staring instead, at the bright crimson line he had caused.
Kagome had no such worries. She only smiled, and tilted his head to look at her. She brushed the hair from his eyes. Then she laughed, a heartfelt sound. "Don't worry so much, dear." She said softly. "I don't care what you look like, or how you act, you're still my baby. A little scratch won't kill me. And I don't mind, I know it was an accident." She placed a tender kiss on his brow.
His body relaxed slightly, pacified by her reply. His lips parted. He so desperately wanted to ask her to stay, but the words, the ability to articulate the desire, wasn't coming. It was frustrating. Stay! Please!
She stared at him intently, but her eyes never once lost their softness or warmth. When no sound was forthcoming, she merely smiled again, patting his head, and drawing him into her embrace. "It's ok, baby. Take your time. I know this is hard for you too." Her expression saddened. "I'm sorry. I may have acted too hastily in the past. But I was hurt, and at the time, it seemed like the only choice. I never meant to hurt you."
Shin was confused. What was she talking about. She looked so sad though. He didn't like it. A motion foreign to his limbs, he wrapped them awkwardly around her shoulders, returning her embrace for the first time. "Okaasan." He murmured.
She gave a choked sob. "Oh, baby. My darling child. I'm so sorry. I love you so much." Her arms tightened around his taller form. I'm so sorry. I never meant for it to happen like this. "I always love you. Please remember, Shin. Always."
Movement beyond the treeline caught her attention. So, he had come, again. He only watched though. He hadn't try to interfere like the first time. Kagome wondered if he knew by now, if he understood what she was doing. It would explain his hesitation. After all, he hadn't wanted her. If he did nothing, she would disappear for good. Did he want her to stop her actions? She couldn't, not if she wanted Shin to live a normal life. The boy deserved it. Even if Sesshoumaru tried to stop her, she would finish what she started.
"Shin." She whispered.
He looked at her, his attention not once diverted from her.
She offered him a comforting smile. "It's a bit early, but…I can't wait any longer. I'm sorry baby. I'm just not strong enough." She grasped their hands together, the jewel nestled in their palms. Her hands warmed, magic flowing into them. The pulse of the jewel began to change, taking a slower, steadier beat, a different rhythm. Though it wasn't as comforting as before, the new beat was somehow familiar to Shin. Kagome lifted the jewel and Shin was slightly startled to see that it had changed colors. Instead of the light pink, it had become pure white. She cupped the jewel into her hands, guiding his, and pressed the jewel to his chest. His eyes widened as the sphere began to sink into his chest.
She blinked away tears as his eyes slowly slid shut. Ghostly white triangles appeared on the top of his head, hanyou ears. They flickered and faded. His markings lightened slightly. He would return to his hanyou form, in time. She had returned to him that which she had taken so long ago. She had wanted to be able to show him a mother's love, but she had only managed to impress her affections on to him in the weakest of measures. He knew he was loved, and he knew that she would love him for all of eternity, but she couldn't be there to simply love him while he grew up.
It saddened her greatly that she had deprived him of what every child needed, but she had also ensured that he would be able to survive without it. She hurt and grieved for him. But he would be whole now. He had been restored. His memories would return, and with them, she had given him a part of herself. He would know. He would be kind and compassionate. He would possess the innate empathy she had possessed. But most importantly, he would have the knowledge of love. He would know its importance, and know that he was loved. He would be alright, even if she couldn't be there with him.
Shin's legs collapsed beneath him. She caught his taller, heavier form, her own legs buckling beneath their combined weight. What a big boy he had grown up to be. Gently, she managed to maneuver him into a comfortable position, cradling her son's head in her lap. She gave a soft smile, brushing his hair from his face. "I'm so sorry, love." She said quietly. Tears blurred her vision. She squeezed her eyes shut, her own head bowing to touch his. "I missed you, so much. I thought…in time, we could…" Be together. She choked back a sob. "I'm so sorry. It has taken too long." Tears slid down her cheeks, falling into his hair.
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Sesshoumaru blinked. Was she…? He ground his teeth. Not again.
Her image was fading. It was flickering in and out, and steadily fading. He raced to her side, snatching up an arm. She looked up at him, surprised. Her eyes blinked rapidly, forcing more tears to slide down her cheeks. "Sesshoumaru-sama?"
The honorific bothered him more than he cared to know. Was she back to the formalities again? Had they drifted that far apart?
"Kagome." He ground out. His eyes looked pointedly at her arm, his own grip tightening, as if he could physically keep her there with him.
Her blue eyes traveled to her arm. "Ah." She said after a moment.
Was that it? Was that all she had to say? She was leaving again, and he would have none of it.
"Stop." He commanded sharply.
She looked surprised. "What?"
"Don't leave." He said, his tone softer.
She blinked. "I don't understand." And he realized that she truly didn't. She didn't know the pain she had put him through. She didn't know how much of her presence he had missed. She had not the slightest inkling of how much he had cared for her, and he had not even known it himself until it was too late. He had not missed her until she was gone. He had put her through much pain as well, more than he had ever meant to inflict. He wouldn't repeat his mistakes.
He was begging her with every fiber of his being. If she so wished, he would kneel before her and plead. She had to stay. She had graced him with the taste of living, and when she had left, he had become like a man deprived. He had been starved for her presence, her ability to live. He had no idea how to go on by himself, and he knew, that he no longer wanted to go on by himself. He wanted her with him, by his side. His blood beast had chosen what it had wanted, and he should not have denied it. His denial had been such a mistake, so he silently begged, pleading with his expressions, his aura. He was desperate, and for once, the Lord within him, allowed this one weakness. Sesshoumaru swallowed his pride. "Stay, please." He pleaded, his voice soft, fragile
Her blue eyes widened a moment, then she understood. Her expression gentled, her lips falling into that kind, dazzling smile to which he had been so accustomed. She looked at him apologetically. "I can't." And she was gone.
Sesshoumaru was left in the forest, his hand grasping at thin air.
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SM: Sorry this chapter is so short. As I explained in my profile, the something that had inspired me to write this has died. At this point, I'm just looking to finish it, so if the quality is sucking, that's the reason. I'm real sorry to those of you looking to this to be a 'good fic'. I guess, I just sort of lost the feeling for it. I'm trying to get back on track, and this is what popped out. It's shorter than I would have liked, but there's a bit more happening. It's closing in on the end soon. Mayhaps one or two more chapters. If you feel a bit jilted at the end, join the club, cuz I have no idea what happened either, hahahaha.