Episode placement: Blackadder - Between Amy and Amiability and Duel and Duality. Doctor Who - Sometime between Survival and Enemy Within.
BLACKADDER AND THE DOCTOR
Part Three
"Oh for a book and a shady nook…"
The Doctor strolled through the TARDIS's huge library, looking for something to engage his idle mind. Now well into his seventh incarnation, he had become rather somber of late.
Perhaps it was because he had been traveling without a companion for some time. Perhaps it was the new, spacious, gothic-looking control room he'd installed. Or perhaps he was simply feeling his age.
Something on the bookshelf caught his eye and he stopped to remove it. The Time Machine by H.G. Wells. The Doctor smiled to himself as he realised that he had never actually read it. If he had learned anything in his nine hundred-odd years, it was that there's no time like the present.
"I suppose I owe you one, Bertie," said the Doctor as he sat in his favourite reading chair in the TARDIS control room. He opened the book and began to read.
The Time Traveller (for so it will be convenient to speak of him) was expounding a recondite matter to us. His grey eyes shone and twinkled, and his usually pale face was flushed and animated.
That was as far as the Doctor got, for he was interrupted by a rather sharp jolt as the TARDIS rapidly changed course.
"Blast and confound it!" cried the Doctor. He pulled himself off the floor and clung to the central column, which rose and fell with its familiar grinding sounds. "It's always the same isn't it?" he asked no one in particular. "You're just getting into a good book when someone comes to the door, or the phone rings, or you get pulled off course!"
Just as suddenly as it had started, the TARDIS came to a rest. The time rotor stopped its movement and the Doctor checked his instruments. With a sigh he realised that he had been pulled to his home planet of Gallifrey. "What do you want now?" he said, thinking the Time Lords had caught up with him again.
As he stepped out of the TARDIS, he found himself in a large, and very old, stone-walled room with a casket in the middle. He had been here before. This was the Tomb of Rassilon, atop the Dark Tower, in Gallifrey's dreaded Death Zone.
The last time he had been here was very dangerous - and confusing - for all concerned. The megalomaniacal President Borusa had kidnapped the Doctor's first five incarnations as well as several of his previous companions, some Cybermen and the Master, and placed them all in the Death Zone. It had all been a diabolical scheme of Borusa's to gain immortality.
"Good to see you again, Doctor," came a booming voice from nowhere. "And good to see that it is just the one of you this time." Above the casket in the centre of the room, a great face appeared in mid-air.
The Doctor nodded. "Lord Rassilon." Rassilon was a revered figure in Time Lord history. He and Omega had worked together to create the Eye of Harmony, which powered their time travel experiments. While Omega was lost during the experiments, Rassilon managed to harness the Eye and even today it was still the power source for all TARDISes.
"Do you mind telling me," continued the Doctor, unfazed by the presence of a legend, "why you brought me here?"
"I have an important assignment for you," said Rassilon.
"Why me?" said the Doctor, curious. "Why can't you ask the Time Lords to do it?"
"It concerns the planet Earth, which I believe you are somewhat familiar with."
The Doctor nodded. "A little, yes."
"It also concerns your old nemesis the Master," said Rassilon.
"The Master?" The Doctor was genuinely shocked. "I honestly thought I'd finally seen the last of him. I should've known a little thing like certain death and impossible odds wouldn't stop him. What's he up to this time?"
"He plans to radically alter human history for the worse. He plans to erase Queen Victoria from history by having her father killed before her birth. I needn't tell you the ramifications of such an action."
"An Earth without Queen Victoria's influence," reflected the Doctor. "England without its Victorian Era…"
"Furthermore, he also plans to have King George the Fourth murdered when he was only Prince Regent. This too will greatly affect the timeline. Again, I needn't remind you of the dangers involved in altering Earth's timeline."
"Indeed," said the Doctor. "Well, I suppose I had better get going then…" He turned back towards the TARDIS.
"Doctor," said Rassilon. "There is one more thing. The Master also plans to kill a third man."
"Oh?"
"The royal butler. Edmund Blackadder."
The Doctor thought for a moment. "Blackadder? I've heard that name somewhere before…"
"Yes, Doctor," said Rassilon. "When you were in your second incarnation, I told the Time Lords to send you to assist one of his ancestors."
The Doctor snapped his fingers. "That's right! They told me to send him the right way to a battle or some such thing…"
"And then, in your fifth incarnation, I caused your TARDIS's fluid link to malfunction, forcing you to land in Earth's 16th century and meet his great-great-grandson."
"It was you who made the fluid link malfunction?"
"Yes, Doctor."
"But… Why? Why is this family so important?"
Rassilon chuckled knowingly. "All in good time, Doctor. All in good time…"
London, England
September 5th 1814
Blackadder stepped through the doors of the Prince's royal chamber and announced the guest.
"His Royal Highness The Prince Edward Augustus Duke of Kent and Strathearn."
Prince George looked up. "Who?"
"Your brother, Your Highness," said Blackadder.
Prince Edward stepped through the door. "Don't tell me you've forgotten me already?" The future father of Queen Victoria looked similar to his brother George, if slightly younger, and was just as foolish. He wore a dark red military uniform, plastered with medals.
George leapt up. "Eddie! Well boil my britches until they're blue!" They embraced. "How the hell are you, you old scallywag?" asked George.
"Not bad at all," replied Edward. "How's father? Still mad as a duck in a dress?"
George nodded. "Madder. How's Gibraltar?"
"Wouldn't know. They've forbidden me from ever setting foot there again."
Both princes erupted into laughter. "That's my little brother!" George said to Blackadder, who had been watching them with a mixture of curiosity and contempt.
"Indeed, sir. There is quite a resemblance," said Blackadder. Under his breath, he whispered, "You're both idiots."
"I say, Blackadder," said Prince George, "fetch us some tea, would you? We've got lots of catching up to do."
Blackadder nodded. "Very good, sir."
"Who was that at the door?" asked Baldrick as Blackadder came downstairs into the kitchen.
"The only person in the world who could enter a 'World's Most Stupid and Incredibly Pompous Member of a Royal Family' competition with the Prince and tie."
"The King's here?" said Baldrick.
"No, Baldrick. There is a distinct difference between stupidity and madness: Madness is an excuse to act stupid, and stupidity is being naturally mad. You, however, have somehow achieved the best of both worlds."
Baldrick smiled proudly, in spite of himself.
"No," continued Blackadder, "that was the Prince's brother, Prince Edward."
"Oh," said Baldrick. "Isn't he in the Army?"
"He was in the Army but they kicked him out for being 'too harsh' to the soldiers."
"What did he do?"
"I'm not entirely sure, Baldrick, but when hairy, hard-faced, hard-arsed, hardly-got-a-brain-cell-between-them-but-could-kill-a-man-with-each-finger-twice soldiers complain that someone is being 'too harsh' to them, I really don't want to know about it. He's now Ranger of Hampton Court Park."
"And what does that mean then?"
"It means he's in charge of making sure people keep off the grass and that the ducks are well-fed."
There was a ring at the back door. "See who that is, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "It'll probably be Mrs. Miggins with her latest delivery of so-called food."
Baldrick returned, looking more blank-faced than usual, with a mysterious looking stranger. He was clad entirely in black, sported a small beard, and wore blacked-out spectacles.
"Good afternoon," said the stranger.
Blackadder looked to Baldrick, who hadn't said anything about the stranger's identity, then to the man himself. "And you are?"
"You may call me… Mr. Masters. You are Mr. Edmund Blackadder?"
"I am. What's it to you?"
"I have reason to believe that the Prince Regent's life is in grave danger. Someone is plotting to murder him. And I'm sure he will be very much obliged if you were to intervene. So much so that he would no doubt reward you handsomely…"
The TARDIS materialized in an empty room in the Palace. The Doctor emerged and begun searching for the princes.
When he found them, he could hear them conversing together in the main living room. Good, he thought. I'm not too late.
"So tell me about this lady you've met," said Prince George.
"Well," said Edward, "her name is Victoria and she's a saucy little minx from… somewhere very damned hard to pronounce."
The princes once again erupted into boisterous laughter.
The Doctor decided to make his entrance. He strode as elegantly as possible into the room.
The princes leapt up immediately. "What is the meaning of this intrusion?" demanded Prince George. "Guards! Blackadder! Guards!"
"I assure you, Your Highness," said the Doctor, "that I mean no harm. I am here to save your life and the life of your brother."
"I say," said Edward, "damned sporting of you."
"Yes, indeed," said George, calming down. "Who are you?"
"I am the Doctor, Your Highness."
"Doctor? Doctor who? Are we dying of some horrid disease or something?"
"No, Your Highness," said the Doctor.
"Actually, now that you mention it," said Prince Edward, "I've got this sort of rash on my…"
"No, Your Highness!" said the Doctor louder. "I'm not that kind of doctor. I am here to stop someone very evil from murdering the both of you."
Suddenly Blackadder and Baldrick burst into the room. "Your Highnesses, get back! This man intends to murder you both!" yelled Blackadder.
"Er, no, Blackadder," said George. "I think you've got it wrong. This chap is here to stop us getting murdered."
"Merely a clever ruse, Your Highness. He is in fact a master assassin."
"Who told you this?" said the Doctor, as everyone slowly backed away from him.
"A gentleman named Mr. Masters, who has kindly left to get help."
"It's this 'Masters' who intends to murder you, Your Highness, not I," said the Doctor.
"But, er, how can he," said Edward, "if he's already left?"
"You're right, you're right," said the Doctor, mulling over possibilities. "Of course," he said to himself. "He's got us all in one room: Me, the princes, Blackadder… He's going to take us all out. But how?" Out the corner of his eye, the Doctor saw Baldrick reach into his coat pocket. "Stop him!" he yelled. "He's got something in his hand!"
The Doctor went swiftly for Baldrick and managed to pry a small vial out of his hand.
The Doctor held it up to the light. "Poison. In a gaseous state. It would have killed us all."
"Baldrick!" cried Prince George. "How dare you! I know you've always been envious of my impressive trouser collection, but this is too far."
The Doctor was about to speak, but Blackadder cut him off. "I fear, Your Highness, that Baldrick may not be himself."
"You're quite right," said the Doctor. Baldrick had been perfectly silent, but the Doctor clicked his fingers in front of his face, bringing him back to life.
"What's going on?" asked a more-confused-than-usual Baldrick.
"Your little friend was under hypnosis," said the Doctor. "But how did you know?"
"Two reasons," said Blackadder. "One: Baldrick has been comfortably silent since Masters arrived. And two: Baldrick is, and I flatter him too much, a moron. He could not slap the Prince, let alone murder him."
The Doctor shook his head. "I think you underestimate Mr. Baldrick. There's more to him than meets the eye."
"The same could be said about shepherd's pie. That doesn't mean it's intelligent. Anyway, who the hell are you?"
"Just passing by," said the Doctor. "Did this 'Masters' say where he was going?"
"No, he just left by the kitchen…"
The Doctor ran off as everyone stood in confusion. "What an odd man," said Prince George.
The Doctor burst out the kitchen door into the street. He did not really expect to catch the Master, so he was genuinely surprised to find him simply waiting on the street.
"I should have known not to underestimate you," said the Master.
"Very clever, Master. Killing Prince Edward before he fathers Victoria. What inspired you this time?"
The Master shrugged. "I just happened to be… passing by."
The Doctor pointed to the Master's dark glasses. "Still suffering from the Cheetah disease, I see?"
"Not for long, Doctor. For you see, I have discovered a way to hold back death."
"Impossible," said the Doctor. "Not even a Time Lord is immortal."
The Master grinned evilly. "Care to bet your life on that?" He laughed. "I'm afraid I must leave you now, Doctor, but we shall meet again, mark my words. And it shall be for the last time." He laughed his insidious laugh once more before activating a small handheld device.
The Doctor was too late to stop him before he was transmatted away. As he navigated the palace back to the TARDIS undetected, the Doctor pondered over the Master's words. He was no doubt merely talking for the sake of hearing his own voice, but what if he had found a way to cheat death? He also wondered why Rassilon considered the Blackadder family so crucial to history.
All in good time, he thought to himself. All in good time.