Title: Memories
Author: Shadowkat83 AKA fanficexpress
Rating: R
Warnings: Violence, Blood, Language, Slash and MPREG
Summary: A forgotten tragedy from Logan's past suddenly resurfaces leaving Logan a shell of his former self. Can anyone get through to him?

P.S. This chapter has been re-uploaded to fix formatting errors!

Chapter 3: Where is the lost?

"Come in" came a smooth voice and immediately the large oak double doors soundlessly opened. Xavier looked up from his desk, already knowing who was coming but giving a nod and a smile for formality. He smiled at his pupil pleased to see him home well and not worse for the wear.

"How did things go Scott?" The professor asked holding out a hand for Scott to take a chair.

"Things started out fine and then spiraled out of control. I was able to find Anthony McKay and professor I don't really think you prepared me for how much power this kid had. It was completely off the charts." Scott said while taking a seat.

"You saw his abilities first hand I take it."

"Yeah, I saw it up close and personal. The town's people had rallied, deciding the best way to correct the "situation" was to get together and beat the life out of the kid. I stood beside him ready to protect him but he didn't need protecting professor. He closed his eyes lifted his hands and the earth just parted. Swallowed the whole mob up."

"I see. Where is the young man now?"

"After what he did he was so frightened, he just kept staring at his hands. I tried to talk to him, tell him he could come with me and meet others like him but the prospect of being somewhere where there were other "demons" like him didn't sit well with him. He's still holding on to hopes of being "normal". He ended up running away and manipulating everything in his path so I couldn't track him."

"Hmmm, without guidance I fear his abilities will consume him. He's a danger to himself and others. He must be taught to control these abilities and only then can he really pass as "normal" for lack of a better word."

"I tried to tell him that but…I guess I lack your verbal finesse." Scott said with a small rigid smirk and the professor pursed his lips in thought but the friendly banter wasn't lost on him. His eyes twinkled with humor.

"I'll have to use Cerebro to find our run-away mutant once again. We must bring him here. I must speak with him…He can't go on this way." The professor spoke his thoughts out loud and there was a hint of threat. The kid was too dangerous, his abilities too powerful for him to be left alone to his own devices. Manipulating matter at will and not recognizing that there are repercussions to every action, whether good or bad could and has already led to disaster. The professor would order his take down if necessary. Scott hoped to god it wouldn't come to that.

"How's Logan?" Scott said breaking the silence that had befallen the room. The professor sighed heavy at the weighty question. He wheeled his chair over to one of the large windows that let the light pour in.

"No change, I fear the worst. We tried to enter his mind with disastrous results. What I saw was heart wrenching enough but he allowed Jean to see much more. She hasn't been the same since. Quiet, withdrawn and working herself to death in the medlab trying to find a way to wake him up. She said she couldn't let him linger in those memories any longer…she called them "morbidly disturbing"." The professor stared out of his cascading windows, the huge curtains neatly drawn back. The moon shone through the hunter green tree leaves and illuminating his office with lunar light catching his focus as if he was watching something magical and not something that happened everyday when the sun went down. He stared as if watching it long enough would somehow cause it to crack open and spill forth the answers to his questions. How do you fix a wolverine? It wasn't often the professor didn't have the answer. Sometimes he had them but wanted you to figure it out for yourself but nonetheless he had the answer tucked away safely in his mind. This time was different, he couldn't free this man from his torment, a man he had promised to help and the guilt was eating him alive. The professor turned his head slightly and saw the expression on Scott's face. Even without the help of his eyes to convey emotions or feelings he could see a small frown on his lips and the bunching of his brows that signified concern.

"Don't worry about me Scott, you should talk to Jean. Maybe persuade her to get some sleep, she'll listen to you. I need to focus on finding Anthony McKay before more damage is done." He said somewhat lifelessly and Scott hated the tone but respected his words. Scott stood and nodded to the professor deciding it would be best to leave him to his thoughts anyway. If anyone could figure this out it was him. He made his way to the door and as he was reaching for the doorknob the professor spoke again, without turning around and tearing his gaze from the moon.

"Scott, the faculty and many of the students have taken to talking to Logan. Maybe talking to him will trigger his return. There's a war raging inside of him between the man and the beast. Maybe…if we could appeal to the man…" The professor began but Scott interrupted him, something he didn't usually do but hearing a lecture about Logan's seemingly split personalities wasn't something he wanted to hear. No more bad news about Logan's condition…no more dead-ends. Something had to happen…and right now.

"I don't even know what to say to him…I don't think he'd even want to hear from me." Scott said feeling his presence would somehow make things worse. Aggravate his already turbulent mind. He didn't want to make things worse…he wanted things to get better and quick. The gloom in the school was tangible. He could almost taste it in the air.

"Even though you argue and fight Scott. He does respect you as a leader. If he didn't you can trust that he would have left a long time ago. Something is tying him to this place…and amongst other things I think you are one of them." Scott frowned in confusion. He's staying here partly because of me? What the hell did he mean by that? He thought inwardly but outwardly he just stared at the professors back. Something about those words made all his muscles tense. The professor didn't say another word and as soundlessly as Scott had entered he left.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

With a heavy heart Jean sat quietly at the computer in the med lab. She should've been taking her own advice and trying to get some sleep but she just couldn't get her mind to turn off. Information that she had looked over several times before scrolled across the screen as she hoped that maybe she had missed something, maybe the answer was right here. She sighed leaning back in her chair. Blinking away the dryness and itchiness that came from staring at a computer monitor for hours. She knew from her walk in Logan's mind that this issue wasn't a medical one but it was hard for her to accept that there was nothing at all she could do. All her knowledge and skill and yet he still lay there unmoving. Her green eyes finally looked up over her computer monitor and there he was…motionless just like he'd been for the last 2 weeks. Quiet and still like the dead. IV's and monitors hooked to his arms and chest in an attempt to keep him nourished and hydrated and to monitor is vitals. Slowly she rose from her chair as if she made to much noise she'd disturb his slumber. Pushing red curls out of face and unconsciously smoothing out the wrinkles in her lab coat she walked over to Logan's hospital bed and tentatively ran a hand down his muscular arm. It was an intimate touch, she was exploring, touching the man that usually seemed untouchable. With all his flirting, lewd gestures and smirks he was always at arms length, completely impervious like a phantom but now was her chance to really get to know him…touch him, touch the man who had given her so much attention. She traced his arm All the way down to his knuckles where he housed those deadly weapons. No matter how many times she'd seen him unsheathe them they still amazed her and frightened her all at the same time. She watched his bare chest rise and fall. The curly hairs on his chest were different then the hair on his arms and legs. It was downy, thick and looked soft. His facial hair had grown considerably, from whiskers to full beard and his uncontrolled hair could only be described as a mane. She laughed softly at that description, letting the smile linger on her face as she gazed down at him.

"Where are you?" She whispered. Her mind swiftly recalled the horrors she'd witnessed while inside his head. Death, Pain, Horror, desperation…and an overwhelming feeling of longing and regret. The emotions were like a blanket that was smothering her and she blanched at the memory. Her eyes wavered. What had they done? What did it mean? The gunshot seemed to be something important. It was a substantial part of his memory but what exactly did it mean? What did it represent?

"What's going on in there Logan…I don't understand…" she said running a hand along his temple and smoothing his jet black hair behind his ear. His eyes still refused to focus, his features less sharp, and his face peaceful. The hard deep lines that represented his hard life had vanished and what was left was a hairy man that looked years younger. She wondered if it was the hardship alone that was aging him. Would he stay forever young if only the world would let him?

"You've gotta wake up and help me understand." She bit her lip, biting back the emotion.

"I guess I miss you. I didn't realize how much you meant to me…to all of us. You can't just up and quit on us…this isn't like you to just quit." She said tracing his lips with her fingertips wanting nothing more then to map his body. She yearned for his attention and she realized that every time she saw him, every time he was around she'd end up smiling. He'd always find away to make her smile. The playful flirting, was something she had grown to expect and want and watching him come up with sometimes ingenious ways of seeking in an innuendo or elude to something other then purely friendship would cause her to laugh so hard sometimes and he'd just give his usual lopsided smirk back and sometimes she'd even get a gravelly chuckle.

"You knew what you were doing didn't you?" she said trying not to laugh at the memories.

"How's he doing?" Scott said from the doorjamb. Jean turned with a start smiling shyly. How much he had heard and seen she wasn't sure. His mouth was set in a passive line and his eyes were shielded and obscured from view by his visor making his emotions so hard for her to read. Pushing a few strands of her fiery locks, that had shaken loose, behind her ear she looked back to Logan's still form. She loosely crossed her arms and hugged her body as if cold. Scott made his way to her letting his eyes fall on the usually unconquerable man.

"No change…" She said softly. Silence filled the room and an awkwardness rose between them.

"How did the mission go?" She asked out of politeness but in actuality she didn't much care. Her mind was too jumbled. Filled with horrible images and her ears still rang from the gunshot.

"I stopped by the professor's office before I came down and he told me what happened when you entered his mind. You ok?" Scott said ignoring her question and getting to the point. She looked frazzled, tired, and emotionally drained. The bags under her usually pretty green eyes testified to the fact that she hadn't' slept in days.

"To be honest…I don't know if I'll ever be alright after what I saw. Scott I can't even explain the horror, Torture…" Her eyes welled up with tears and she held herself tighter. Scott approached her from behind and gave her a hug, and pondered their sometimes awkward relationship. How come this show of intimacy felt so awkward and out of place? They were on the verge of Love, on the cusp or really caring for each other but something was holding them back. Something unspoken but they could both feel the hesitation to truly let go and take the other into their hearts. Fortunately there friendship had a strong foundation and as their deeper feelings for each other were murky and undefined their knowledge of each other and friendship held strong. Hugging her like this didn't feel intimate…it felt like a friend comforting another. Was that how he should feel in her arms? Should he be feeling more? He was shaken from his thoughts as she continued to murmur, her head low…her face creased in sadness. Her plump cherry lips quivered.

"How could someone do these things to him. How can you just stand by…and listen to him scream and beg? They made a man like Logan beg Scott…" She said all in a rush, in hopes that the tears forming in her eyes wouldn't be reflected in her voice but Scott could hear it. Logan beg? Those two words could never be used snuggled up so closely together. The Wolverine never begged, never cried…what did they do to him? As he embraced Jean he let his rose colored gaze wander. He stared at the ominous machines that beeped and clicked and followed their wiry leads to the man who was literally a shell of his former self. God he looked vulnerable, sick even and Scott frowned. With a big sigh Jean gathered herself and with that Scott came back to his senses as well, blinking away the images of Logan that crept through his mind.

"Jean you look tired. You should try to get some sleep." He whispered into her ear.

"Your right, I know… but I don't want to leave him here alone…He hates hospitals, if he wakes up here alone connected to all this machinery he'll be horrified." She whispered back and they both were unsure why they were whispering at all, as if the man were just in some light sleep, as if he had just dozed off.

"I'll stay with him, I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet." He said with his usual stoicism. Jean gave him an odd look, one that said without words that she didn't' think he'd sit and talk with Logan at all. That there visible disdain for each other would render him unable to sit down for a couple of hours and not choke him to death.

"Don't worry, I think I can handle it…" He waved her off with a reassuring smirk.

"Alright, I'll stop by jubilee's room, she's taking it so hard. Then I'm going up to bed. Maybe some sleep will help me figure this thing out. Call me immediately if there's any change."

"Will do." Scott said giving her hand a lingering squeeze as she began to walk away. She gave him a lopsided smile and they parted company. He watched the medlab doors for a while before allowing himself to come to a full realization of where he was and who he was with. Under normal circumstances being left in a room with the Wolverine would cause him to feel anger and dread but tonight he didn't feel either. He did everything in his power to look everywhere else around the room but at Logan. He searched for a chair and on finding one he dragged it over to Logan's hospital bed. He paused for a second, then turned it around and straddled it, which was going against his usual grain but he decided that his demeanor wasn't on trial here and the more he could relax the easier it would be to talk to the gruff Canadian.

"What to say, what to say…" He spoke rhetorically. What do you say to a man you've spent years despising? He decided to start there.

"Do I really despise you? I don't think I do. I'll admit that I use to hate the way you carry yourself sometimes. All these years here and you still couldn't let down your gruff mask and just relax. These people laying down their lives for you day in and day out and you still look at them as if they could turn there back on you at any second. I guess I thought you could just get over it…that you were purposefully holding on to old wounds because you were too scared to let them go and realize that you actually had friends and people who cared for you. I was being ignorant and I'll admit that. Not everyone's problems are the same and for you every time you release those claws of yours I can see a flash in your eyes, the sour memories of being hurt and violated surfacing. The anger of having something so precious as your memories stripped away from you…I can truly understand how that can enrage you. It would enrage me too. I can't hate you for what you can't control, and you couldn't control what they did to you and how they made you feel. I think I understand you now and why you have such a hard time letting people in. I think I have the same problem, I'm afraid of being hurt and losing control." Scott fell silent after sharing that tidbit of his soul. That was the reason for all his failed relationships. He was too afraid of being hurt, afraid they'd turn there back on him like they use to do a long time ago when he lived alone on the streets and everyone treated him like mutant garbage. He was too afraid of losing control, couldn't let others make decisions. He'd finally managed to control his own life, no longer was he the boy digging for scraps in the gutter, and living at the whim and generosity of others. He refused to let the control he held so dear slip through his fingers…he'd never be that little boy again.

"Come on Logan, you've gotta beat this. If you just lay here then the people who did this to you, caused you whatever pain your suffering through, they win. They win and you lose. You told me once that they wanted you to be nothing more then an animal that they could control. Well these last few years you've made so much progress…you've made so many steps away from what they wanted of you. Just look at what your influence has done for this school." Scott said in exasperation.

"Look at jubilee. When she first got here she was a rebel, a shoplifter, she didn't care about school…she didn't care about much of anything. Then you came along and she seemed to just attach herself to you and instead of pushing her away…you embraced her and look at her now Logan. She's getting good grades, making good decisions and thinking about her future cause she knows there's this big burly ill-tempered Canadian who realizes her potential and expects her to do everything she can to reach it." Nothing, no response. Just the continued beep of his heart monitor. Slow and steady like the tick tock of the second hand on a clock.

"The boys, the ones who use to spend the day skipping classes and spray painted the grounds. They wouldn't listen to authority and were one more citation away from expulsion. Then you came along, they thought they were tough but when they saw you they realized what tough really was. They heard your story, the story of your life through the grape vine and they heard how you persevered. They wanted to be like you, emulate you. They became your shadow and you never pushed them away. Instead you taught them things, ways to express themselves and relieve there pent up aggressions and energy without destroying something. Taught them how to fix cars, cut wood, meditate and gave them some fighting lessons. They appreciate it Logan, and they are in the garage as we speak working on that old Chevy you said you always wanted to get around to. I don't have the heart to tell them it's past curfew. They are doing that as a gift to you when you wake up, to show you how much you've taught them and how much they listened." Scott sighed heavy when again he got no response. Was it foolish of him to think that just talking to him could wake him? Of all the people who could wake him if jubilee couldn't then surly he had a snowballs chance in hell of succeeding.

"I don't know what else to say to you Logan. All I know is that you're a good man under all that bravado and this is not something I'm just saying out of my ass. I do think you are a good man, with morals and honor. It just seems like you could never see that yourself and you'd sell yourself short. I just wish I could do things over; Instead of hating you I'd have liked to get to know you better. Who knows maybe we could have even become friends." Scott smiled at that.

"Can you imagine us friends? I could…I think we have a lot in common. I think we could both teach each other something about living this life. When you wake up I'm gonna take you out for a drink, Let's start this whole thing over again. You and me." He said quietly. He jumped in his chair when the phone suddenly rang. He was in his own little bubble while talking to Logan and the phone brought the world crashing back down around his ears. Smoothing back his hair and giving Logan a lasting look he made his way to the phone.

"Medlab, how can I help you."

"Hey Scott, good to hear your back."

"Oh hey molly, yeah I just got back tonight."

"I called to see how he was doing, I feel so horrible that I can't get down there myself."

"You shouldn't feel bad Molly, you have a newborn to take care of and I know he would understand. We all understand. As for how he's doing. There's been no change." Scott said and she let out a mighty sigh.

"The professor still has hope. He thinks talking to him might help. I'm down here now talking to him…it's hard to see him like this."

"The baby is down right now, would it be okay if you'd hold the phone to his ear…I'd like to say something." She said, her voice shaking.

"Sure, you can start talking now it's to his ear." Scott said positioning the phone to his ear.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

He was in a fish tank. At least that is what it felt like. Suspended in something thick and gooey, that engulfed his whole body and filled his nostrils and mouth. He couldn't breath or swallow and he began to panic. He was frozen still in the dark muddy substance; it was so dense he couldn't even move a finger. He could hear someone talking but the words were muffled by the thick sludge that encompassed him. Over time his ears adjusted and the words became clear. The voice he recognized as Scott's and the familiarity in this unfamiliar setting helped him calm down. He listened, truly hearing what Scott had to say to him. Was he really missed? Did they really want him back? Did he really make that much of a positive influence? He couldn't' believe that he was capable of changing peoples lives for the better. Not a man like him…not a beast. He tried to tune out the invasive voice but it seemed to slice through his dense environment and drill into his ears.

"Shut up" he murmured but the voice kept going, kept rattling off his achievements and telling him how he was a good man. He wasn't a good man! Never was a good man! He wanted to scream…a good man wouldn't let it happen! A good man would have found away to stop it! A good man would have kept her safe! He wasn't a good man, could never be a good man. But he couldn't' think about that now, he wanted to stay here, away from the bad memories. Stay here where it was quiet, away from his cell, away from the torture. As long as he didn't think about it and didn't dwell on it he could stay away from that place and the darkness would protect him. He kept chanting these things in his mind and the murkiness around him grew and expanded with each passing second. His mind started to drift…The words coming from Scott sinking in. Scott telling him he wanted to be his friend. Why he would want something like that he had no idea. Why did these people want him around? Didn't they understand what kinda man he was? Was Scott different, maybe he could look past his demons…maybe they could be friends. Suddenly without warning the voice changed…changed from Scott's voice to a women's shaky voice.

"Molly" he murmured. She pleaded for him to wake up. Apologized for whatever she did that caused his mind to shut down and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't respond back…just to tell her it wasn't her fault. It was low at first and he thought his ears were playing tricks on him but the sound grew…a sound that made every nerve in his body fire. His heart began to race and a panic began to roll over him. The sound of a crying baby, crying and wailing, calling for him. The murky soup he laid in seeming to magnify the sound. It was all around him. He cringed at the sound and images from long ago filled his mind once again and the thick murkiness thinned and changed from pitch black to a bright red. A sea of blood and he was drowning in it. He gasped and flailed, swimming as hard as he could to the surface. His once quiet world was changing and the liquid surrounding him began to swirl as if the plug in a drain below had been unplugged and everything was rushing toward it. The shrilling baby continued to drill into his brain. If he could reach the source before it quieted…maybe he could right what went wrong. Maybe he could save her! He swam so hard but there was no surface to be found and the pull from below was growing. His muscles burned from the stain and his lungs felt like they were going to burst but he refused to fail again.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Scott could hear the sounds of a baby crying over the phone. With hesitation he removed the phone from Logan's ear and put it to his own. There was more then one person crying on the line and his heart reached out to Molly.

"Molly, you still wanna talk or do you need to go check on the baby?" Scott said quietly, feeling he had intruded on a private moment.

"Yes I need to go. Tell Logan I'll come visit when I can and that I love him please…" She said before abruptly hanging up. She didn't want him to hear her cry. The position she carried demanded she be strong in everything she did…in many respects she was just like him. He stared at the phone awhile before hanging it up on Jean's cluttered desk. Palms flat on the desk he leaned over her scattered paperwork, all the notes she had written, all the work she had put into just one man. Sadness had been the emotion he felt since he stepped into the infirmary but now anger was replacing it.

"Jesus Logan, if you only knew how much we care! If only you knew how much I care…" He said feeling a swirl of emotion he wasn't ready for, a feeling in the pit of his stomach that rose and became a lump in his throat at the very idea of losing Logan. With a balled fist he pounded the desk and stood with the full intentions of storming over to Logan's bed and shaking him awake but that's when he heard it. The moan, more like a whimper or a plea. He began to move, struggle against something that wasn't there. His eyes panning the room for something but he wasn't seeing what was there…he was seeing something different, something frightening in his minds eye. His breathing became erratic and the high-pitched beeps from his heart monitor speed up. Scott immediately sent out a psychic alarm to both Jean and the Professor. Something jean had taught him how to do a long time ago but he had to focus to do it. He closed his eyes and concentrated.

/He's moving, he's awake/

/We're on our way/ Jean quickly responded. With relief Scott opened his eyes and looked at the hospital bed but there was no one there. His heart skipped a beat. The tossled bed was empty and the leads from the monitors laid this way and that. He slowly scanned the room, knowing better then to make a quick movement, who knows what kind of state Logan's mind would be in. He suddenly felt a looming presence from behind and hot breath on his neck. Scott froze. The warning rumble that rose from his throat told Scott that the Canadian wasn't himself. SNICKT . Scott swallowed hard at that hair-raising sound.

"Logan?"

"Where is she…Tell me where she is!" He roared, Snarling and spitting. Scott slowly turned with his hands up in an unthreatening manner. His eyes fell on the hairy mutant, his once peaceful face now contoured. His hair fanning out around his shoulders. The muscles in his arms and legs tight with tension and he crouched low. His claws fully extended. His nostrils flared as he took in Scott's scent and slightly rocked back and fourth.

"I don't know who your talking about Logan….I'm sorry…tell me who your talking about and I'll help you." Scott said slowly and calmly hoping his tone of voice would help calm the wolverine but it did nothing of the sort. It started out as a rumble deep in his chest but as his anger built it became a monstrous roar and then without further warning he lunged.

TBC….

Logan's finally awake! What's gonna happen next?