The World Falls Away

Chapter 1: Blame

Jen "The Stampede" Motou

I could be found in my room on the Versailles. Yes, I'm still in one piece even after all I and the others had done. I don't understand it all really, I can't quite comprehend why but I'm not one to argue. I let out a heavy sigh –it was weighted with my regrets- as I lazily tossed myself backwards on my bed, eyes locking on the ceiling. I paused for a moment becoming lost in thought, thinking of that time not to long ago – but yet it felt so far away. Holding my hand up to look at my palm –as if it helped to process my thoughts or something- I wondered. "Has it really been that long?" I said aloud. But in all seriousness I was truly wondering if it had truly been four months since we had out little 'rebellion'. Four months since Kira ….I really don't want to talk about it. I sat up my emerald eyes dropping to my side as I thought of him. I could see his violet innocence, his care-free brunette…I missed him so much.

I was like that for a few moments until I heard the door slide open, it snapping me out of my daze. "You alright…Athrun?" A voice chimed to my side. I looked over to see my green haired friend, Nicol. "Yeah." I sighed, and he looked at me with disapproving eyes. "You sure? You were thinking about him again, weren't you? About Kira." I sighed. I could feel him glaring at me without even looking at him. "You were. Athrun, I know you loved him. I understand he was like a brother, but you have to stop with all this sulking. It's going to get you killed." He spoke, trying to be comforting yet logical I guess. He just came off as being an ass to me. "You're fine. Athrun, please try to be happy. We did all we could." With that he simply smiled and left. However he had no idea how wrong 'we' was. 'They' did do all they could. However 'I' did not. It was all my fault. He died because of me.

I could still remember it as if it was yesterday, I could easily see him bloodied in my arms, violet slits. He said 'Thank you' and that was it. All I did was scream. I screamed his name and cried. I didn't even tell him 'Good-bye.' How low is that? Pretty poor 'Best Friend' wouldn't ya say? Come to think of it, that was most likely the reason I wasn't punished as severely as I should have been. Yzak, he got to explain himself, while Dearka and Nicol weren't punished at all. Myself however, I was taken off of the sortey for a month, and had the Aegis suspended from my use for two. Let's not forget the lecture I received from La Creze and the one that followed given directly from none other than my father….er…Representive Zala –God forbid I call him as such.

Letting out a sigh I stood up and headed for the door. It slid open and I stepped into the hall my eyes locked on the floor. No it wasn't that I needed reassurance that I was taking the correct amount of steps or anything like that, It was just….I didn't quite feel up to looking up. It still pained me to look into someone else's eyes. I don't understand why, though. I guess you could say I was still ashamed of my actions partly and the other reason was it reminded me of my actions, thus my thoughts lead to him. As I made my way down the halls I could hear random crew mumbling and talking amongst themselves. I was starting to feel the pressure of doing what I did.

I sighed again, entering the cafeteria and taking a seat. I made no move to get anything to eat. I just placed myself at a table and then my head down on my crossed arms. I stared ahead blankly and heard "Athrun…hey…" It didn't realize who it was until a silver haired Yzak sat down in front of me. "Hey Athrun. You Ok?" He asked again, this time poking me in the arm. I only moved my eyes to look at him. "Yeah." I said in a flat tone. "You don't look busy. Come on." He said quickly and pulled me from my seat. I sighed following him, until we arrived at a corridor near the back of the ship. –No one was ever back here- "Yzak what?" I asked confused of our surroundings. "Let it out Zala." I only stared. "Come on now. Frustrations, Stress, Random babbling. Something! You're sulking again!" I stared at him, not in confusion, but irritation this time. "Oh don't look at me like that. Yell. You look like you'll pop a vein any minute if you don't."

"Yell About what?" I growled, crossing my arms across my chest and shifting my weight to my left. "I have nothing to yell about. I'm Fine." He only glared back. "Bullshit. KIRA." I was struck silent. Yzak had become so much more caring in the past months. Since Kira he seemed more like the Yzak I knew when we were still training in the academy. "Come on now. Don't bury it all Zala. You're going to have a pre-mature Heart-attack at the rate you're suppressing things. Come on now, before I start seeing your blue hair turn grey." I paused. "Yzak, what would you do if you killed Dearka?" His eyes went wide. "What?" he sounded confused. "If you killed him…what would you do? If you had to choose if he lived or died…" "…He'd Live. You didn't kill him Athrun. You didn't kill Kira." I looked into his eyes and felt a tear fall from my own. "Athrun, take some time off. Something. Why don't you go see Lacus?" "I can't." "Why not?" I paused a moment and spoke. "She doesn't know about Kira. How can I tell her that I killed him?" He sighed. "For the last time Zala, You didn't kill him. He wouldn't have said 'thank you' if you were the one pulling the trigger."

His words echoed a few times, and I drew in a breath. "I know but…" I felt another tear fall. "…But I…" My voice was starting to haze. "..But I ..I just miss him so much!" I finished tears falling freely now. "I know, I know. "he smiled sympathetically placing a hand on my shoulder. "I know." He whispered, as I just stood there crying. "Kira I'm so sorry…"

To be continued….